Only a Few More Days..

I leave Monday morning. Setting off into the wild blue.. hahah.. My car is half packed, I finally found a printer today... I feel like I am finally ready to go. Like that is all I need to be ready to completely change my life.. again. I was talking to someone yesterday and telling them that I wasn't really nervous about the move.. nervous about school hell yeah, but the moving to a new city, a new state, new school... nah.. thats old hat. I Google Earthed the city of Brattleboro and laughed for like ten minutes. One word: Tiny. It should be an experience. Atleast it should be filled with tons of hippies and people who travel. WOOOOOOOOT!

Full Moons Suck Crack.

So I hate full moons.. I really do.. I mean they may be pretty, and make nighttime Ultimate worthwhile.. but still weird shit ALWAYS happens on full moons.

Tonights Full Moon Extravaganza:

*Got called in early to work, to find out I was closing alone. The not-cafe-trained manager helped ring customers, while the new kid made fraps because he wasn't even drink trained. I trained him tonight. He could only work til 10 cuz he has school tomorrow. So I attempted to close the whole damn cafe while new kid made fraps and shitty lattes and the manager fumbled through Xcodes to ring up orders. I did however get the place relatively clean and closed by 1130.. which is pretty impressive.

*Meanwhile the manager gets called to the book floor because the head cashier's appendix burst, a lady got "exposed to" by a man in the periodicals section, a woman got kicked out for almost shoplifting, two high schoolers were playing hide and seek and one screamed bloody murder and got kicked out. Also EVERYthing started breaking.. we were down to one grill, espresso machine, blender, even the tongs were broken at one point. The dishwasher broke, then started fixing and the pepsi exploded at one point.

* After all of that, this bookseller I work with asked for my number.. so that made my night. he seems like a pretty cool guy. Goes to Union in Albany, so it'll be nice to have a friend in the are when I go to school.

*Dad got a second interview, which means I am driving myself to grad school. Im ok with this, I am super pumped for his interview stuff.

*I got a phone call from Sara midshift saying she left the house realizing it was locked and I had no key, so I had to drive to Amber's work... sort of an over the river and through the woods type of drive.... I just got home, it is 2am.

*I saw three possums, 2 dear, a cat, a dog and a billion bats on my drive home tonight.


Tonight sucks. For more than just those reasons. I am emotionally going bonkers right now due to feeling anxious, excited,, nervous, unprepared, torn, tied, happy, ill content, and much much more.

....

Spent the day with my niece and nephew.. most of the time was spent at Target. They were helping me find some stuff for school. Just organizational stuff that I tossed like bins, laundry baskets etc. I am sort of excited to move in and be able to make a new place my own. Ill appreciate living in my own room again. And not having to clean my own bathroom.. cuz itll be community.

Albert and I are going to have fun with tie dye tomorrow. Should be fun.

This is my third attempt at posting in three days. I just haven't been able to decide on something worth sharing with the world.

I packed up some stuff yesterday, came upon some old memories and trinkets. I feel like it is about time for me to say "my how the time has passed". Looking at things from high school, back through to middle school. Thinking about the first trips I went on, stuff from freshman year in college. It is strange.

I am so excited/anxious/ nervous/ stressed about school and it is leaking into the rest of my life. Poor steve had to put up with my freak out the other night. I think I took out my panic attack on him. I will say atleast having an idea what classes Ill be taking has helped a little. I get to see my dad in a few weeks too. Which is kind of exciting. I also decided on my concentration.. i think:

Intercultural and Social Activism Training

This concentration offers students an opportunity to focus on training as the primary medium for change. Ethics, intercultural effectiveness, and design will ground the training work within the context of social justice while also encouraging students to pursue areas of personal and professional interests. These courses provide both a foundational and advanced knowledge base as well as relevant skill building for those wanting to do intercultural and/or social action training. The depth of focus in intercultural training and activism design helps to distinguish this concentration from the Community Development and Social Action concentration.

Anyway.. I am trying to calm myself a little today. Hopefully work will help a little bit.. tomorrow.

Gestures..

Got into a pretty interesting conversation with someone today about gestures.. that people make to communicate something. Not like hand gestures, but more meaning gifts, acts of kindness, surprises etc. I think someone had given her flowers and so we were talking about that. This is my conclusion..

Flowers are a waste.. I mean they die. But I would still buckle if I got them. Roses are cliche, but I would love them. I hate people who dry their flowers.. but i would too. because they die and then they are useless. All to say.. the gesture of the flowers is important I just wish it would last. Second.

Chocolates are crap. I hate chocolates.. I am against not knowing what kind it is. I would prefer a bag of Hershey's kisses. No buts. I'm serious.

Jewelry is a waste of money, real diamonds are dangerous and can often be "bloody". I'm ok with something that sparkles even if its a fakey. Id rather know blood wasn't spilled over it and that I can lose it and still be able to eat for a week. I'm not a jewelry person anyway.. so really theres only one piece of serious jewelry I ever intend to own.. which is good cuz I'm clumsy. and irresponsible. and poor. Give me a trip to peru and a cheap piece of fake shiny rock and I'm way better off.

I love hugs. especially surprise ones.. Shyle gives the best surprise hugs, and katie. Boys don't surprise hug enough. They should work on that.

There is something about hearing someone say you are beautiful that helps you believe it. Not the "hey? what do you mean? You are hot!" crap. Ya girls like to hear that every once in a while but there is so much more to hearing you are beautiful. From friends, boys, dads, moms whatever. Beauty is so much deeper and touches so much more.

Being able to do a whole lot of nothing with someone is just as important as being busy and having a thousand plans. However.. being led through a planned surprise date can be so exhilarating.. it shows effort, service, care. Kudos to you boys who put on these perfect dates. We don't need it all the time, every time. But man we love it!


There's more that we chatted about but these were the basics.. I'm very tired after a shift so busy, so I am going to bed soon.

Got some of my reading done yesterday.. I need to go work on it some more.. the textbook is ok.. pretty basic stuff so far, talking about cultures and how they interrelate in organizations. We'll see how it goes.. I am getting nervous for school again. I hope it isn't too rigorous for me. What if I end up failing? I dont know what Ill do. I just dont. I am pretty confident I won't but it is strange to realize I have never failed at anything... big anyway. I don't know how I would react if I just wasn't competent enough for the program... I doubt my own strength in being able to handle it. Hopefully it wont get that far :)

on another note if i pass Ill be in the big kids world getting real jobs and doing some real work. I am excited for that.. but part of me longs to skip town and travel for a few years. Unfortunately I don't have any money of my own. so thats sort of out the window anyway.

Family

Amber and I went to the Well today.. it had been a while since I had been to church due to trips and stuff. It reminded me what a great community that is.. i hope my sister stays plugged in I think there are some great people there to connect with. Makes me miss being a part of a church family. I think that's why I got so homesick for grand haven last time I was in the area. I just missed community in general.

I realized I need to start thinking about getting packed up for school I leave in about two weeks!!! craziness!


I am reading A Pedagogy of Hope by Freire and I am loving it. The guy is an artist with words and finds ways to articulate concepts that I never would've dreamed of. My favorite passage so far:

Hope is an ontological need. Hopelessness is but hope that has lost its bearings, and become a distortion of that ontological need. When it becomes a program, hopelessness paralyzes us, immobilizes us. We succumb to fatalism, and then it becomes impossible to muster the strength we absolutely need for a fierce struggle that will re-create the world.

I am hopeful, not out of mere stubbornness, but out of an existential concrete imperative.

I do not mean that, because I am hopeful, I attribute to this hope of mine the power to transform reality all by itself, so that I set out for the fray without taking account of concrete, material data, declaring "My hope is enough!" No, my hope is necessary, but it is not enough. Alone, it does not win. But without it, my struggle will be weak and wobbly. We need critical hope the way a fish needs unpolluted water.

The idea that hope alone will transform the world, and action undertaken in that kind of naivete, is an excellent route to hopelessness, pessimism, and fatalism. But to attempt to do without hope, in the struggle to improve the world, as if that struggle could be reduced to calculated acts alone, or a purely scientific approach, is frivolous illusion. To attempt to do without hope, which is based on the need for truth as an ethical quality of the struggle is tantamount to denying that struggle is one of its mainstays. The essential thing... is this: hope as an ontological need, demands an anchoring in practice.As an ontological need, hope needs practice in order to become historical concreteness. That is why there is no hope in sheer hopefulness. The hoped-for is not attained by dint of raw hoping. Just to hope is to hope in vain.

Family coming home

So.. My family comes home today. I am very happy about that fact. I miss the noise.. I like to be alone sometimes.. but after awhile it gets pretty old. I went shopping just for some human contact. I did get a good interview outfit for like 50 bucks.. some new tongue posts.. and the toiletries I needed. So that was good. Yesterday i went through office supply, target, staples and barnes and noble looking for a good planner. I am very specific about what I want, and I dont want to pay a lot. I may end up just making one for myself. It did make me feel excited about school to be looking for school supplies. I am actually headed to Barnes and Noble this afternoon.. not to work but to study for a little bit. I have a few chapters to get read.. and I think my other books will be in soon.

Ill let you know how my other books are.. Im sort of excited. :)

Reading.

Started reading one of the recommended reading books for grad school. It is getting me excited for classes and stuff. i was worried that I might want to change my concentration, for fear that I may not be as prepared or "active" in social justice as I should be to get as much out of it. But I think Ill be ok. I may not have the ins and outs of the area down.. but thats what focused studies are for right?

Im reading the first book: Covenant with Black America.
Pretty much it is a Plan of Action for Black America to fight for equality, justice, and healthcare in the US. It is pretty intriguing. Some of the statistics are interesting, and just reading from the black populations perspective is new for me. I dont really know much in this area so I have enjoyed it. I like how the book approaches the issues too.. they have sections in the book where they propose the "problem", statistics about it, then they talk about what people can do right now, give examples of what some organizations are already doing, then they give a plan of action for legislation reformation and outline issues that must be resolved to help the overall problem. In each chapter it emphasizes that people MUST keep their representatives accountable and not just wait around for change to happen. I like that a lot. Im excited for the rest of the book and the few others I have coming in.. Ill keep you updated.

I am sitting in an empty house right now. I dont know if Ill be going to church tomorrow or not. I really should, it has been a rough week or too. Mom I love you and I am worried about you. We just want you to have the best care, and we hate seeing you on that hell hole farm if it is causing you more distress than its worth. I dont have a solution, but know I love you and I am praying.. a lot.

I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Youth group kids were so comforting while in Colorado, blessings and thanks to all the hugs.. even the awkwardly long derek hugs. Lacey I loved getting to know you, and you are one of the reasons I want to move back out to the area.. I hope we keep in touch, and you keep grounded. Im proud of who you are working to become.

It has been good talking to Steve (who I assume will read this :)). Its funny to walk into friendships and complicated relationships. I am glad the conversations we've had, even the harder ones. Im also glad the conversations we don't need to have. Its great to just mosey along with no route in sight, no destination planned. Its also fun to know he may end up a good travel buddy some day. I hold on to those kinda folk for dear life. :)

Im sorry to hear that stan is being a jackass again. AGAIN.. AGAAAAIIIINN.. What a SAC! Megan my dear I am praying for you, and for his mental health. I hope jackson and bella are ok, I hear they had a rough few weeks. I love you girls and Im sorry to hear life is crap once again.

Daniel is ok! I am so excited he is finally doing well, or relatively well. He is one of my favorite people, and really had a hard few months this summer, he has a long way to go but God is good.

Phil it was great to soapbox CoC with you yesterday. I miss our discussions and how you start whispering when it gets serious. hhahah

ehem.. I sorta downloaded the new harry potter onto my computer.. hehe.. im going to go read now!

COLORADO? Check.

So the good times this summer are officially over. hahah.. Colorado was incredible.. Ill be posting pics in a sec but I want to just say how much I miss hiking and being outside. I am pumped to move to Vermont and have hikes and stuff to do all around.

Got to hang out with Katie/Kathryn while in GH.. Man I just love her spirit. I also got to hang with my brother who is doing amazingly well.. Vivian is adorable and his house is so great..

On to pics..