The World of La Leche Leage

I have started the process to become a leader with La Leche League and it has been so interesting! I am kind of at a break in my research right now due to moving so I wanted to post a little bit about why I am involved in it to keep the momentum! Also know that this is a rant, a ramble, and possibly a waste of your time. Or it could be a huge revelation for you and for your impact on your family and the environment. Who knows.

I started attending meetings when Otto was only 4 weeks old. We were having some issues with breastfeeding and I had heard that LLL was a great support group and you could come to as many or as few meetings as you want and glean information. It was information not only from LLL but also experiences from actual moms. I also appreciated that all the LLL Leaders were well versed in actual information end of breastfeeding. It wasn't just a bunch of whiny moms, but moms that had information and help to share.

I continued to go not only for breastfeeding information but also for the relationships built in the groups with other moms interested in things like babywearing, baby-led weaning, cloth diapering and extended nursing. I am a B+ in all of these areas.. I dabble.. well more than dabble but I'm not quite a guru. I enjoy sharing the ease and eco friendly aspects of breastfeeding and all of the above mentioned areas with others and find that I can use it as a great conversation starter.

If you don't know any reasons why to breastfeed your child.. here are just a few:

The Breastfed baby:
    -is naturally protected from illness and disease due to the immunity receieved through the breast milk
    -  tends to cry less when allowed to nurse on demand
    - is naturally more confident in their person later on as exploration begins.. mom is the "safe zone"
    - has low tendency for allergies and asthma
    -lower rates of SIDS

The Momma:
     - Has a lower chance of breast and other types of cancer than non-breastfeeding mommas
     - Loses baby weight faster and easier
      - Heals from surgery, birth quicker... lower rates of hemorrage

This list goes ON and ON and ON...

Why is it good for the environment?
    - NO CONTAINERS
    - NO FACTORIES
     - NO SHIPPING
     - NO CARBON FOOTPRINT>> AT ALL

The thing that drives me crazy is our current PRO FORMULA culture. Now believe me I LOVE EVERY MOMMA OUT THERE. Trust yourself, your baby your situation. If you use formula... I'm glad you are feeding your baby. My only hope is that you are informed.. and you understand not just the "benefits" of breastfeeding but also the "risks of Formula.

The problem with our current culture is our language. Like I stated above we tend to say "Look at the benefits of breastfeeding". Actually breastfeeding is the natural, normal feeding situation. All others are SYNTHETIC. Lets instead look at the RISKS of formula. Formula is ABNORMAL.

Formula is not human milk. Why would you give a cow goats milk? Or a pig cat's milk? Thats insane. So why is it "normal" to make bottles of Cow's milk based formula and put it in a plastic container with a fake nipple and give it to our children? Weird.

Formula is a business. Formula is a BIG business. I'm not going to go bashing. But look at the benefits of breastfeeding above.. and start reading between the lines..

Breastfed babies have a lowered risk of SIDS.. that really means FORMULA FED BABIES HAVE AN INCREASED RISK OF SIDS. It is important to look at the studies from different perspectives to truly understand its meaning.

Breastfeeding is good for you, baby, the environment and your pocketbook. Go Boob Juice.

Hello Blog World!

I'm Back! I'm not sure for how long exactly but I think it's time.

A brief synopsis since 2011's rant:

I finished out my time at El Paso County Sheriff with good rapport.

I married my amazing husband legally, then spiritually, then ceremonially.

We got a dog.

We moved to Salt Lake City, Utah.

My brother in law alex moved in our basement.

We had a baby boy.

We bought a four-plex.

I am in training to be a leader with La Leche League.

We are about to move into one of the units at the four-plex.

I'm getting ankle surgery.

Then the army will move us somewhere/somewhen.

Each of these could be it's own blog post.. but I'll save you that excruciatingly exhausting memoire.

So now you are all caught up.


What to expect from this blog?

Information, personal and educational about parenting, products, breastfeeding, natural living, military life, and christianity.

Should be a fun ride.

Stealing.

I'm a time stealer. I think of that episode from the office when they have to do an HR meeting about ethics and they talk about time theft. I'm bad at it. Luckily I still get all my work done. My new job has been going great but its been such a hard adjustment going from running all day long here and there with lots of different people and stimuli to sitting at my desk writing curriculum with no one to talk to for 8 hours straight. I'm too ADD/multitasker for that. Luckily this part of the job will end soon. Not that I don't love writing curriculum for trainings but I like the actual training part better. Or at least I hope I do haha..

So for those who don't know:
About a month ago I started a new job at the El Paso County Sheriff's Department as a trainer for the Law Enforcement Academy for Region 8 Texas. I will be training in victim sensitivity, psychology and whatnot as it relates to Family Violence and Sexual Assault. Its a pretty fun job and will make a difference in how LE works with victims in the field when conducting investigations. The content is heavy, difficult and emotionally exhausting, but it will be a great way to get training hours in so I can be a professional trainer and have the resume to show for it.

Justin gets home in like 60 days and I can't even really believe it. He should be home the first week of November and it makes me all nervous and smiley to even consider th ethought. Not to mention that we're already legally married which is hilarious and so weird. I haven't seen my husband yet. Look up Marriage by Proxy on Google an dyou'll know what i'm talking about. My facebook picture is sort of a giveaway too.. the guy in the picture is Ryan Visser who is married to the woman taking the picture.. If there was audio you'd hear us giggling saying I do's and Amanda saying "this is so weird, this is so weird". Funny day. It worked out well though. The timing hit perfectly. I had crashed my car and was out a vehicle, starting a new job and not wanting to pay for the health insurance and needed more access to Post for Family Company Meetings (FRG).

So in the last 2 months:
- New Job
- Different Car
- New House
- New "status"-.. aka Wife. Military wife at that.


Its been a whirlwind summer but the end is nigh.

December 19 is the wedding. Plans are coming along. Invitations are in the mail for the most part and Justin will be coming home soon.

I love you all and thank you for all the support over this past year. Phew!!

Sunday.

I really don't have a better title than that. Today was a pretty eventless day. I'm recuperating from an awful flu that hit me saturday. Apparently the lot of us who went to Peter Piper Pizza on Wednesday Night caught something because about 9 of us that went ended up with relentless stomach flu (I'll spare the details), fever, chills, dizziness etc. I came home from work early and was racked up in bed all weekend. To top it off I'm still tired and starting to get a sore throat which I am attributing to our newly operational swamp cooler. Same thing happened to Justin and I in this house when he turned it on for the first time last year. Bummer.

The good news. I get my tax check back Tuesday! Which means I get to start my allergy shots, pay off some bills, credit card and have some money to save in the bank towards wedding stuff. So far the plans are working out well and I am excited to move forward again. I am sort of taking a wee break from plans right now. My sister is dealing with the calling off of her wedding and its pretty hard to be planning mine when I know she is struggling and in pain. I love you sister! I am sorry it got called off.. I'm glad you didn't marry what turned out to be a loser. Many prayers.

The one thing I'm worrying about is the budget right now. I need to have a real conversation with my dad about it but it has been such a struggle for us. Its hard to have serious convos when we both have such stubborn heads and differing opinions. I have treated him pretty badly about it, not intentionally but in hindsight I should have been more sensitive. I plan to rectify this when I call him this week. I wish I could fly out to see him and the Mrs. so we could sit down and work together on it. Maybe I'll suggest it.

Ma-wage!

The chaos of wedding planning continues but the good news is we found a venue.. pause.. so before I begin I would like to say that although I do not blog often I refuse to force you to listen to me vent about the chaos of wedding planning through my eyes unless you choose to do so of your own free will. Thus I am starting a blog.. more like a memory book but I am too lazy to scrapbook. I'm gonna post stuff as it comes along. I was never a wedding planner as a young girl so this whole process is utter chaos and confusion to me. I had seen a blog by a girl who posted EVERY FRIGHTENING DETAIL OF HER WEDDING PLANNING EXPERIENCE. And I was scared .. but also intrigued and sort of thinking it might be a cool thing to look back on. Thus begins a new blog.. Eventually we'll post wedding pics and such there too.. for now I plan to vent and think and plan and explode about cool things I find. Hurrah!

EDIT: I gave up already. I enjoy reading other peoples blogs and I don't have time to stress, plan AND blog about my wedding. I will spend that sacred time sleeping, or god forbid working :)

Nonrelated wedding info:
Next week a group from SMU is coming to STAY AT TLC to do volunteer work during the day. Which means two things: Spring break for the kids will be filled with strangers to play with.. and I will be on call 24/7 for the week because I'm volunteer coordinator. Can't I just stay at TLC too? That would be cool.

My mom is dating again. Mom I love you and I'm sure he's a nice guy. I'd like to meet him. I'm praying for him and for you that he's as great as he seems. I'm glad you are happy but don't go crazy head. Take your time. Enjoy it. And slow down on the shots will ya? :P

Can I just take a moment to say that I am so happy for my sister right now? I love my big sister and we've become so close in the past few years. I can't go a few days without hearing from her or I totally worry. I was freaked out when I was in Ohio and never had a chance to give her updates. I never had a moment to call anyone and "spill". I'm so happy for her that she's found true love and is getting married in September. It's such a blast planning our weddings at the same time and being happy for each other. We get to share ideas, and freak out about arguments and stupid stuff. She's also a Lash Stylist now which is crazy cool. Don't be surprised at my wedding if I look outrageously fabulous!!

Off to work now. Parenting Class starts soon and I need to go start hounding and herding :)

Crazy things are happening.

Welcome to March.
Today is my birthday.
I am engaged.

Why do I feel kinda sad today? Weepy even.

Overall life is incredibly great right now. We have a third roommate who is moved "in".. aka paid rent and moved in her furniture. TBD when she starts sleeping at the house. She's hilarious and fun, super outgoing and exciting. My Becky is still an incredible girl who I admire in so many ways. We enjoy our time together and she listens to me ramble when I stress out. She's good at it, I try not to take advantage of it.

Some days my job is great, others I want to just walk out the door and never come back. Today is actually an ok work day. I spent my morning encouraging one of our participants that she really has done some great things she can be proud of. Her husband was a very violent abuser and she slips things into her conversations like... well I still have issues with my teeth since my husband kicked me in the face with his workboot... Rough. Rouuuuugh. I got nothing to complain about.

My cats are great. They give me so much joy. They make it really difficult to get to work on time. I wake up to them all snuggled around me and they are so sweet and affectionate. Makes me happy to feel loved and cared for even if they are just cats.

I'm also engaged. Which is awesome. Justin is such an incredible guy and he has stolen my heart for sure. He's stable and strong, proud and sweet, talented, wise, and lots of fun. We have lots of adventures ahead of us.. the first being getting through this current deployment and executing a huge wedding. That part so far is stressing me out a bit. Next post will have details.

Today I am working and enjoying tedious tasks. I am enjoying birthday wishes from friends and family, and talking with people from venues. Still my heart is sad today. I miss justin a lot. I feel just a little lonely here in el paso even though I am surrounded by people who love me. People at work, my roommates, friends from church. Everywhere. Still I'm sad today. 8 months is not going by fast enough.

Good things abound.

I'm so glad God works all things for those who love him. And I do. And He does.

So on the lighter brighter side of the world:
I went to this training this week to be a racial justice facilitator for the ywca here in El Paso. It was a great and humbling experience. It also reminded me once again that I love my education and what I have learned to do. This training was humbling because it was basically the skin and bones of my degree in three days. I loved hearing how they taught facilitation and issues of social justice to people who would then turn around and start teaching it. I am excited to cofacilitate and learn with other educators how to work the minds of young adults and stretch them to see the harsh reality of the world and more importantly the hope found in working for change. It is amazing that I have been placed in the ONE organization in town who does the work I love for FREE without even knowing it. Which means while I live here I can get hours and hours of training experience without having to do it as a "profession" yet then move to another town and have this amazing portfolio of experience. All while still keeping my job at the shelter and loving the relationships I have here.

On another great note I get to see Justin in a few weeks. I can't tell you how excited I am for this. His deployment made a pretty big shift in our relationship for the better and I am so excited to hug him and tell him I'm proud of him.

On ANOTHER great note.. my diploma is in the post office waiting for when my work schedule allows me to pick it up.

On another good note but.. well brace yourselves. We found another roommate candidate.. but once again.. no phone calls no email. I AM FAITHFUL GOD WILL PROVIDE US A ROOMMATE TODAY AND HER NAME WILL BE DENICE AND SHE WILL BE TINY AND WONDERFUL. Mostly becauas I know God answers prayers and she is cool girl. I just hope she didn't disappear into the abyss like the last one. Makes me fearful to call someone else. Will they too disappear? And to where exactly?

Congrats to Blade aka Steve

Just heard my good friend Steve got engaged! I'm so happy for him I've been hearing a lot about how he's been doing lately and its so good to have good friends with similar interests. We've been long distance buddies for about three years and its been a neat thing God has done. He was showing me this really cool website for "conflict free" diamonds. He's a social justice head like me too and I thought that was neat. I've never been that girl that plans her entire wedding by the age of eight.. just as brooke and megan who both had drawers for their "wedding ideas". I still plan on taking brooke up on the offer of planning and executing my wedding for me some day since I am extremely clueless. Thats ok though. Thats what friends are for right Brooke?

Still no word from the roommate, and still havent heard back from the pastor rick about money for my computer which would be an incredible blessing right about now. Who knows. I just am trying to trust and be faithful that it will all work out. We have a roof and food and good family and friends. We can be poor for another month if we have to.

New Year!!!!

Greaaat News!!

Justin's Leave is going to be sometime in February. He's "requested" the first two weeks so any time within that two weeks he'll get 48 hours notice of his departure and a few days later be in Cincy!! OOOOOT!! I'm very excited. I was expecting to not see him til June, even bracing myself for possibly August which was a total bummer. Now I'll get to see him in just a few weeks AND he may even be home for good in June or July!! I can't even tell you what a relief that will be. It has been a hard few months even though we get to talk pretty often via email and even the phone. I still miss him pretty bad and I can't wait to see him! I already talked to work about getting time off and it looks like they are going to be super flexible with me. I wont know really until about 4 days before I leave but atleast I know it will be in February so I can be prepared and planning for it. I'll fly out to Cincinnatti to meet some of his family, we'll head up to Michigan and see my dad then either go to KC to see mom or Phillie to see Amber. I'm not sure which yet until I talk to my sister. We'll only have a few days at either and I need to see which will work out better because of their work schedules and such..


On a sad note: Jezebel escaped and disappeared.

On a sadder note: The new roommate is NOT ANSWERING MY PHONE CALLS or emails or texts or anything and I am officially freaking out. I have to start budgetting in case she doesn't show up or call this week. i am hoping she's been gone for the holidays or her phone is dead. Otherwise we may just start stealing and gambling to pay first and last months rent in February :P Nahh.. itll work out. God is good and it always does.

Cant wait to see Brooke Charles Landry and Daniel next weeeeeek!!

4:34am

I am at work right now. It is Christmas eve. Well Christmas morning I guess. All around the nations kids will be shaking their parents awake hoping that its not too early to start opening presents. I was thinking about Christmas and laughing at how many fun traditions it entails. Slyly peeling tape away from presents to peek. You had to do it only with certain types of tape on certain types of wrapping paper and if mom found out or noticed.. yikes. I only have a few strong memories of Christmas but I do know that the experience was in general a good one. We would always get to check out our stockings first while the parentals woke up. We had probably already opened a present the night before which usually set me to bed and I had freaky nightmares of this creepy santa looking elf in my closet for many Christmas eves. I don't think I ever told mom that. I always thought I would sound stupid tellign her there was a monster in my closet. Even at like 7 I knew she'd think I was just being a punk. But for reals folks. There was a tiny santa man who lived in my closet every Christmas eve and he scared me into not trying to catch mom aka Santa putting presents under the tree. He was like the Big Brother elf and I just KNEW I would get coal if I thwarted this little creature. He also made me scared to even step on the floor. But then that was probably because I remember my sister once telling me about some slasher dude in West Michigan who would hide under cars and slash peoples achilles then steal their purse and car while they writhed and screamed in pain. I thought of that every time I stepped out of bed at night.

Older Xmas'
Other than nightmares Christmas Day was always so fun. As a little kid I just remember opening presents and relaxing most of the day. I'm sure we went outside and played in the snow but I don't really remember any crazy details. My mom probably does. Most of the Christmases I remember and relish were when I was in highschool. My mom and I both worked at Barnes and Noble and we would work the holiday schedules together. It was such fun. Busy and crazy with all the holiday traffic. We'd get off work Xmas eve. Do presents or food or whatever then go to bed and work together the next day. We'd make time and a half and still be able to enjoy the holiday together.

Grandma Fly
I would usually do Christmas with Dad at the aunts and uncles houses, or Grandma Phyllis' when she was still alive. Every once in a while I realize how much I miss spending time with Grandma. She really understood me and listened. She stood up for me a few times and was always so proud of me and my choices. She was joyful and giving and kind, creative, musical, and just such a blast. She was sarcastic and dorky sometimes, she played the piano beautifully and was such a hard worker. Incredibly intelligent with amazing stories to tell. She cooked like a wonder and was a tough old bird playing 12 holes of golf in her 70s. I'm proud to be her namesake. I wish I could name a future daughter after her but Id feel like people would be like.. yeah whatever.. she's named after YOU. haha

Present
Now I don't appreciate Christmas much. I think when I have kids I will appreciate it more. I think I've become somewhat jaded by the holiday. Not the joy of family, or giving.. just the necessity this culture has of the yearly rite.

"You going home for Christmas?"- stranger says.
"No I'm working and I'll just chill out."- phyllis says.
"You have to come to my house for Christmas then." -stranger says.
"No thanks, I don't mind. I'll talk to my family. Thats enough." phyllis says.
"How can you not celebrate? Thats so sad!" stranger says.

Meanwhile I am thinking. ... You really think I would rather spend a chaotic traditional "family" holiday with a stranger's family making exhausting small talk and getting pitiful looks while they exchange presents, and probably reserve the "extra" present for me.. the sad excuse for a guest.
I'd rather chill out in my pjs, read a book, watch a movie, go get coffee somewhere, go walking, be alone and relax than feel like an awkward intruder on anyone's holiday. Its one thing if you know them super well but why do strangers think this is a good idea? I've gotten offers from 5 different families that I barely know from work. No thank you. I will take leftovers and reruns. And I will be joyful.

Updates:
Justin is still doing well. I miss him pretty miserably but I am happy he is well and working hard. It has been an interesting experience to work through but for once in my life I have found a good man who has a heart for God and is sane enough to make me think he may not break my heart or go crazy. This could actually work out. Which is encouraging. I was beginning to think I was attracted to only nutjobs, liars, and toads that never turn into princes.

I brought home this stray cat who we have fondly dubbed Lil Bitch.. and or Jezebel. She's awful and I cannot wait to get her to the pound as quickly as possible. She's cute for like three seconds then you just want to dump her in a bin. Its sad because I do love cats but I think my three boys are just some of the best cats I've had in awhile. They are obedient and sweet, but still just aloof enough that they don't crawl all over you. They come when you call them.. sleep on my bed just enough to make me feel cared for, and they don't make a mess or get into stuff. What more could you as for? Well poor charlie and the boys have had a rough few days with lil B around. She is not making things easy for herself either. I've banned her to nights in the garage because I just can't take them hissing and meowing all the time.

Work is crazy. Though not at 5 in the morning on Christmas Eve. They made it sound like I'd be breaking up fights and stuff but its super quiet. Everybody is either gone or asleep. Thank God.

Roommates, Santa Claus and Sunshine.

News:

• We found a roommate! Finally!! Woot! Her name is naomi and we think she is going to move in on the first of January. She has I tiny little dog that will live in her room similar to a chia pet and she is suuper sweet. Exciting.
• If you listen to the news and/or KLOVE you will know that there are two climbers stuck on Mt Hood right now and they don't think that they'll make it. One of those climbers is a friend of my sister and I's from the Well in Phillie named Katie Nolan. Scary. Praying.
• Justin disappeared for a few days and reappeared triumphantly via email. A soldier had died and that forces them to cut off communications until next of kin is notified. Scary. He's ok though. Sounds like work is a little rough right now but things will be ok. He is a man of character and will be victorious. Happy 8 Mo. Anniversary!
• Hung out with Mandy before AND after work yesterday and it was fun to spend time with her. "shoutout". She has been such an encouragement and a big blessing in my life.
• Work is nuts right now. Lots of present sorting which makes me feel like santa claus. Mrs Claus? I"m too tall to be an elf. Though my feet are disproportionally big enough for the pointy shoes.
• We're doing an xmas party at our house on Monday including neighbors, ex coworkers, friends, family and other such folk. I am excited to have a good mix of people who I haven't seen in awhile to come hang out and celebrate with us.
• Pandora's Rockin Christmas station makes Christmas music somewhat tolerable

MERRY XMAS!

Trees and drudgery.

Yesterday was exciting. I drove with a group of friends up to cloudcroft, about an hour and a half away and in the mountains. We bought our permits at the local grocery store and drove into the mountains another few miles. We parked. We trekked through 2.5 feet of snow for about 30 minutes and then started chopping. WE GOT XMAS TREES!!! I was so excited. It was harrrd work though! but a blast all around. Our tree looks like a charlie brown wonderfulness but its still cute. and smells great!

I was WHOOPED afterwards though. Man! My body was very tired! Today is worse but it feels good to be sore.

Now I am sitting at work. I've checked my email, postsecret, and have an exit interview at 10am. The rest of the day will be a mix of paperwork and meetings.

Today I miss Justin pretty bad. I wish he could've joined us yesterday. He wouldn't have chopped down a tree.. but he would have run around in the snow with us and probably wrestled me into a three foot snow drift. I haven't talked to him on the phone for a few days now and surprisingly its killing me!! He is emailing though, and he found out he'll know when he can take time off for Leave in a few days. That way we can start planning for Alaska a little better! Woot!

Stupidness.

I'm at the office right now. I got a call from my angry (not at me) boss saying for some dumb reason I was scheduled to cover the front office from 12-4pm today (Sunday after thanksgiving) and was wondering if I wouldn't mind since we dont' have anyone to cover it. I am working 12am-8am on Xmas and New Years eve this year in order to take my holiday hours for other reasons. Because of that they said I wouldn't have to work over thanksgiving. WRONG.
Anyway...
The first trip will be a short weekend in dallas to see Brooke, Charles and Daniel for a little bit. Brooke is about to have her baby and Daniel will be off on his next adventure soon enough. The second will be in the spring when Justin goes on leave. We are planning on heading up to Alaska for a week and I am super excited. He talks about Alaska as if it is the promised land and I've always wanted to go. I feel like I would love every inch of it but we'll see.

To do this week:
- work on Justin's Xmas box.
- Popup Xmas cards
- Clean the house more
- fix the garage door opener
- get the cats fixed
- find a third roommate.. again
- figure out loan stuff for school

Deployment.

I just dropped justin off at the base. He flies out tonight on his way to Iraq for a year. He'll be in Maine for a day, then Germany, then Kuwait, then Iraq. I won't get to see him until the spring when he has his midpoint leave. But even that may be scratched because they may shorten the tour. Which would be ideal.

This morning was difficult though. We sort of avoided each other knowing that we were both on the edge of exploding. I stayed at Clara's last night since we had already moved all of our stuff into Justin's house and packed all of his stuff away. He still needed to pack for Iraq and I needed to get out of the house. It was too hard to watch him pack stuff especially all his gear and protective things. Scary. So I came back to his house this morning at about 8:30. He was on the phone with his dad, and I needed to shower. He shaved his head last night and changed into his uniform while I was in the shower I think. When I saw him that was it. He was a solder. He looked like one of the soldier actors you see on tv. Shaved head, uniform, stern look. He looked strong and willing. It was enough to make me break. I hugged him and we both broke down. It was a hard moment as neither of us have ever even seen the other cry :) We said I love you and resumed the mornings tasks. Breakfast, more packing, feed the cats, check farmville. I set up the utilities at the house, and he called more friends and family. About ten oclock we got in his pathfinder. He kept running through the list of things I needed to do. Drive his car around the block once every two weeks, forward all his mail to his dads, mow the lawn, go to the doctor, bring the cats to the vet, this envelopes for pastor tom, this ones for his leather motorcycle jacket. The list grew and grew. I just said breathe, its ok. I'll remember. It was silent for the twenty minute drive. The impending tears remained and we held hands quietly for the drive. We got to base and had to wait for about an hour. It was the longest hour of my life. We would hug for a few seconds then back away before the tears came again. He just kept saying his mantra.

It will be ok
Its just a year
I'll be safe
Don't worry
I love you.
Take care of Charlie.

We brought his bags where they needed to be and sat for awhile. We didn't really speak and the wind was kind of cold but thank God its texas and there wasn't anything too drastically miserable. Finally it was about 11:30 and we headed towards the car. I needed to be at work around noon and the suspense was killing us. We got to the car and had our final hug. We tried hard but the tears started again. It was too hard. There were sweet kisses, thick hugs, sniffling, tears and finally he pulled away and said 'Lets pray before we say goodbye'. We prayed together by the car and the peace came that we needed. He'll be safe. Its just a year, I'll be ok. He loves me like I love him. And charlie loves us both.

I got in the car and tried to suck it up.

Then he ran up to the car and said "wait wait.. did I ever show you were you have to bang on the car if it doesn't start?'

what?? I howled in laughter before realizing he was serious and already getting the blanket out of the back of the pathfinder to put on the concrete. So we squished under the car together, and he showed me what part I needed to bang on with a hammer if it didn't start. I loved every second of it. :)

We got off the ground, he put the blanket away and took his weapon off the car. I hugged him quick and said goodbye. I love him.

I cried all the way to taco bell, and then all the way to work. Where I am sitting now. The waves hit every once in a while. He's really gone. God please bring him back home. Charlie would die without him.

Justin,
This year has been quite a ride and God has been watching us and filling our lives with grace and mercy since we've met. Please be safe. Know that you have a lot of people who love you and care about you, cats too. Come home safe. Be smart. And trust God. He's the best protection I could offer.

Winter Song

This is one of the songs that make me excited to learn guitar.. which I now have time to do. Next step? Get someone to harmonize with.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUO0gd7cr9o

Spaghetti Brain

Well since I have last posted. I have graduated. You are officially reading the writing of Phyllis Chill M.A. Should I change my card? I kind of liked Phyllis Chill BA more because it made me feel like I could convince people it meant Bad Ass and kick them in the shins. Maybe not.

Today my brain is spaghetti. Masters or not I have zero work ethic and no brain capacity. I have done zilch in the office today except print out a few reports and sort some school supplies. I have lots of things I should be doing but zero desire to do it. I've lost my gumption. Could I have it back?

Part of the craziness is the emotional rollercoaster that is the next few days of my life. I am happy to be done with school, but I don't know what to start doing first. Plus my time is spent with Justin who deploys on Monday. VERY SAD FACE. I will miss him more than I want to think about and openly admit. Ok I admit it.

I told someone the other day that when I get stressed or emotional or well lets face it hormonal.. I tend to get what i call spaghetti brain. Where a thousand different thoughts swirl around and make no sense in my mind at all. Then I end up making stupid conclusions and decisions and end up super irrational and even more emotional than before. One of the things that I love about Justin is that with a word or a hug or a joke all the spaghetti straightens out and my head is clear. Or he just says Phyllis you are being irrational.. and I go Oh!! yeah ok. There are few people in the world that don't make me stubborn: my sister, brooke, and daniel .. and now Justin. Thats pretty exciting because the list isn't long and its hard to find. Praise God that he puts people in our lives who get us.

On a less selfish note.. Justin leaves on Monday morning deploying to Iraq. I will worry about him and pray for him but he has assured me that he will come home and I will see him in Alaska on his leave. His deployment should be over by next fall. I truly believe he is an asset to the military world and I am proud of his work. Now I just have to make it through the next few days.. I may not let him leave :(

Side note: we hit our 7 mo anniversary on the 15th. Thats my longest non-highschool not interuppted by long distance relationship thus far. Figures he deploys :P God speed Justin.

Wednesday = Friday

I'm at work right now. I have a pretty large office. Its actually a living room with two desks (one for me and the other for the interns. My desk is currently covered in sticky notes and reminders, a stack of tracking forms to update and file, piles of children's books, school suppiles and children's artwork. My Diploma from undergrad is hanging on the wall and very conspicuously above it there is a nail hammered in waiting to be the home of my diploma for my master's. Which I will have in no less than 10 days and however long it takes for them to mail it to me.

Today is my last day of work before my time off. Tomorrow will be spent packing and working on my presentation which.. honestly.. I have not even started working on. I will be printing out copies of my portfolio and thesis, making sure everything is in order and spending some time with the boyfriend before heading out on Saturday morning. I will be gone for 8 days returning on the 14th. Justin deploys on the 20th or so. At that point I will be a very happily graduated and sadly lonely girl. It will be strange and wonderful.

I have been racking my brain all day trying to figure out what I need to have done before I leave work at the end of the day. I can't really figure it out. I mean I could file my tracking forms but its not really necessary. All my programming is ready. I've emailed everyone I need to, made the phone calls I need to confirm my presenters, reserved rooms, updated my bosses, turned in my reports early and advised my participants of my absence.

One of two things will happen as I leave the office for over a week:

Either I will have everything so prepared and ready that things will be a breeze and they will be grateful I didn't leave things a mess.

OR

I will come back to them begging that I never leave again.

I do my job well. I know it. They know it. To bad this isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life. Graduating is making the wheels start turning again about what I want to do with my life, and what God is planning for me. I am excited about my calling here at work. I have two goals:
* Gain experience working in a non-profit learning how to write grants, track info for grants, facilitate presentations and workshops, become a part of the racial justice institute facilitators
* Create a sustainable system for this job position so that whoever takes over for me will already have a system in place that works and works well. This is a stepping stone job. The pay is not good enough to keep someone here too long, and the stress is high. BUT it is great experience for entry level grads.

So those are my goals. By May at my one year evaluation. I will look back and see those goals accomplished. However. I'll start looking for other positions and work at that point as well. I am ready to start taking bigger steps towards the non profit I want to open and although I am not going to quit my full time job to do that, I am making choices and steps to get closer to that dream and vision.

I took a nap with the cats at Justins yesterday. I miss them. I'll be happy to have them back when he deploys. I will admit though that I like him better than the cats.

Woah buddy.. take a moment.

I just realized it has been months... actual months.. possibly SEASONS since my last post. Thus.. an update....

It is November. I'm still living in El Paso. I had my evaluation at work like 3 months ago and I'm still working here. I am loving my job for the most part and at the very least happy about my goals with it. I have high hopes for improving the lives of these women, this organization and just an overall great sense of accomplishment. Despite all of that I am also starting to look again towards the future of Phyllisdom and what God's true vision is for my life. which leads me to an announcement...


I GRADUATE NEXT WEEK!
I fly out to Philadelphia on Friday to party with my sister then drive up to Vermont to go present my capstone and graduate!! WOOOHOOO. Bonus= Katy, Aaron, Layli and a few others I adore will also be in town so I couldn't be happier. Bummer= I still don't have housing and I'm struggling to figure out my rental car situation but God will provide, things will work out. No biggie.


Next big update:.
Justin and I are still dating. We celebrated 6 months a few weeks ago and things are still going well. He is an amazing man with a great heart and a passion for life. He treats me well, keeps me on my toes and doesn't let me go crazy. Best of all he doesn't make me get all stubborn and nutso. hahah.. Thats new! Anyway.. He deploys on November 20 or so and Becky and I will be moving into his house and taking over his lease. So Becky and I are looking for a third roommate to join us and split the rent. We had a girl but she backed out last minute so we're trying to figure it out now. It'll work out. No biggie.

Health update:
Things are going better now. I went to the doctors now that I have insurance and she's been testing me for a lot of different things including seeing if any of the family related stuff may be causing some of my symptoms. So in the past like two months I have had more tests and appointments than I can remember. I also went to the allergist which sounds like the treatment will be miraculous. He basically outright told me he can't believe I have lived with my symptoms this long. I guess I never realized how sniffly/sneezy/coughy I was since I moved to texas. He also said he thinks my crazy hives are caused by my allergies being so nuts all the time. So I start allergy shots as soon as I can afford to pay 400 bucks upfront. I was hoping that would be this month but now with the cost of flying out to graduate I am putting it off until december. I've lived with it for 6 years another month won't kill me.

Last...
I have two kittens. They are wonderful. They are now Charlie's (Justin's cats) new stepbrothers . I'll post pictures later. I should probably go work again.

Monthly Report

Wow sorry things have been a bit crazy. It is almost one month since my last post and there is a lot to update.

Today I am swimming in hives. It is awful I took my first day off of work since I started and I hated every minute of it. I am covered in bug bites and/or hives varying from teeny to oreo size bumps. I don't know what bug might have caused it and the meds the doctor gave me were ineffective so I spent my day groggy in a sweltering bed (due to lack of AC still) for no freakin reason. I spent 75 bucks at the clinic, 50 on meds, and I missed a day of work which is about 80 bucks. Pissed = Me.

Other than that.. Work is going really well. I love my job though it is tiring and frustrating sometimes. It has been a long week and its only tuesday. but it should improve soon. I have my first evaluation soon and I am nervous. I feel like I am doing a good job but there is still a lot to learn. Friday night is my first outside of work social function so that will be fun.

Things with Justin are going well. Relaxed, no pressure but still healthy and productive. We spend a lot of time being active, relaxing and cooking. He is super encouraging, responsible, and a big ol sweet heart. We don't really know where we are at, and his deployment looms ever nearer in the future, but overall things are going well and I am happy.

I have been learning a lot lately about things I never thought I would learn, wishing I had more of a social services/social work/sociology background. I am thinking about takinga class or two at UTEP once I finish my masters. I can't imagine not having school outside of work. :)

On that note.. looks like the graduation will be pushed back to november. I just can't imagine finishing in August. I only have a month left and haven't even really taken a hard look at the thesis. Grrr.. Oh well. The bonus is that I might come to Coast Guard Festival in Michigan!

Week of May 18.

Its hump day. And I'm feelin it.. I tired.

Monday was a good day. Spent the day pulling together education resources which was good because I had a participant asking about nursing programs in the afternoon. Thank the Lord for all of my family and friends who have gone through that process. It is by far one of the more popular routes here since you can get your CNA and GED at the same time and build up towards the rest as you go. See I know what I'm talking about! WOOT! After that I got called into one of the caseworkers offices to connect with a new resident. She is pretty awesome and I can't say much because everything is confidential obviously but I am excited to be doing what I am doing. I'll be working closely with some of the other caseworkers and they have all been so nice. A great balance of being patient as I settle in as well as spurring me to take initiative as well. Adan, our administrator was so sweet today. He is excited to hear what projects I have in mind. I didn't know how to tell him I wasn't really there yet. I still sort of feel like I am playing catch up, but that I am almost caught up!

Tuesday I had a few different meetings and some good news about some of the ladies achievements and graduations! I am excited to start being a part of the process when that happens in the future. I had my first one on one with the new resident and signed my first real people papers. Last night I worked with the kids to make a thank you card for the rotary club and although I was a little surprised at the messy (but totally kid made) outcome Clemencia was so excited about it today! So that was good. She was impressed and I felt capable once again. As I left work a bunch of the kids I had met the previous week came up and said miss phyllis we missed you! I almost cried I was so happy. I get paid to be loved on and to love on others. What could be better? Cute little Baruc screamed Lator Gator as I walked out. I deftly answered After awhile Crocodile.. tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. I love my job.

Today was a long but also a great day. I had my first offsite meeting with Shadecie at the Region 19 Homeless and Migrant Org. They run a summer camp that I'll be intimately involved in. Most importantly I get to go on field trips with the kids which means the Zoo, Bowling, Putt Putt and some weird place named BoB-Os. In the meeting we could not get "rafael" to pronounce it.. We thought he was saying Bubbles or bobbles or bo-bos. Finally when I got to the office I looked it up. Indeed it is called Bob-Os . Apparently they have lazer tag. Hurrrrah!! I get to play for a living. After that I worked in the front office most of the afternoon. I still don't know to many answers and I have to forward a lot of calls but I really enjoy the interaction I get with the Participants and staff. I get to play with babies and teach people on the computer, sign paperwork and do my own stuff when it gets slow. We had crazy donations today including two pallets of bananas, a lasagna, salads, cupcakes and a bunch of clothes. It was crazy!!

So today was a good day. I got home and crashed for a bit. I had every intention of studying tonight but I can't figure out where to start. I need UTEP library/internet to find sources because all the ones I want are nowhere to be found. So. Procrastination continues. I will hopefully move in to the new apartment next week with becky and be walking distance to the school so I can finish my paper. Deadline: May 31st for paper three. Outline of Thesis by June 15. We'll see if that happens. Yipe!