Gestures..

Got into a pretty interesting conversation with someone today about gestures.. that people make to communicate something. Not like hand gestures, but more meaning gifts, acts of kindness, surprises etc. I think someone had given her flowers and so we were talking about that. This is my conclusion..

Flowers are a waste.. I mean they die. But I would still buckle if I got them. Roses are cliche, but I would love them. I hate people who dry their flowers.. but i would too. because they die and then they are useless. All to say.. the gesture of the flowers is important I just wish it would last. Second.

Chocolates are crap. I hate chocolates.. I am against not knowing what kind it is. I would prefer a bag of Hershey's kisses. No buts. I'm serious.

Jewelry is a waste of money, real diamonds are dangerous and can often be "bloody". I'm ok with something that sparkles even if its a fakey. Id rather know blood wasn't spilled over it and that I can lose it and still be able to eat for a week. I'm not a jewelry person anyway.. so really theres only one piece of serious jewelry I ever intend to own.. which is good cuz I'm clumsy. and irresponsible. and poor. Give me a trip to peru and a cheap piece of fake shiny rock and I'm way better off.

I love hugs. especially surprise ones.. Shyle gives the best surprise hugs, and katie. Boys don't surprise hug enough. They should work on that.

There is something about hearing someone say you are beautiful that helps you believe it. Not the "hey? what do you mean? You are hot!" crap. Ya girls like to hear that every once in a while but there is so much more to hearing you are beautiful. From friends, boys, dads, moms whatever. Beauty is so much deeper and touches so much more.

Being able to do a whole lot of nothing with someone is just as important as being busy and having a thousand plans. However.. being led through a planned surprise date can be so exhilarating.. it shows effort, service, care. Kudos to you boys who put on these perfect dates. We don't need it all the time, every time. But man we love it!


There's more that we chatted about but these were the basics.. I'm very tired after a shift so busy, so I am going to bed soon.

Got some of my reading done yesterday.. I need to go work on it some more.. the textbook is ok.. pretty basic stuff so far, talking about cultures and how they interrelate in organizations. We'll see how it goes.. I am getting nervous for school again. I hope it isn't too rigorous for me. What if I end up failing? I dont know what Ill do. I just dont. I am pretty confident I won't but it is strange to realize I have never failed at anything... big anyway. I don't know how I would react if I just wasn't competent enough for the program... I doubt my own strength in being able to handle it. Hopefully it wont get that far :)

on another note if i pass Ill be in the big kids world getting real jobs and doing some real work. I am excited for that.. but part of me longs to skip town and travel for a few years. Unfortunately I don't have any money of my own. so thats sort of out the window anyway.

Family

Amber and I went to the Well today.. it had been a while since I had been to church due to trips and stuff. It reminded me what a great community that is.. i hope my sister stays plugged in I think there are some great people there to connect with. Makes me miss being a part of a church family. I think that's why I got so homesick for grand haven last time I was in the area. I just missed community in general.

I realized I need to start thinking about getting packed up for school I leave in about two weeks!!! craziness!


I am reading A Pedagogy of Hope by Freire and I am loving it. The guy is an artist with words and finds ways to articulate concepts that I never would've dreamed of. My favorite passage so far:

Hope is an ontological need. Hopelessness is but hope that has lost its bearings, and become a distortion of that ontological need. When it becomes a program, hopelessness paralyzes us, immobilizes us. We succumb to fatalism, and then it becomes impossible to muster the strength we absolutely need for a fierce struggle that will re-create the world.

I am hopeful, not out of mere stubbornness, but out of an existential concrete imperative.

I do not mean that, because I am hopeful, I attribute to this hope of mine the power to transform reality all by itself, so that I set out for the fray without taking account of concrete, material data, declaring "My hope is enough!" No, my hope is necessary, but it is not enough. Alone, it does not win. But without it, my struggle will be weak and wobbly. We need critical hope the way a fish needs unpolluted water.

The idea that hope alone will transform the world, and action undertaken in that kind of naivete, is an excellent route to hopelessness, pessimism, and fatalism. But to attempt to do without hope, in the struggle to improve the world, as if that struggle could be reduced to calculated acts alone, or a purely scientific approach, is frivolous illusion. To attempt to do without hope, which is based on the need for truth as an ethical quality of the struggle is tantamount to denying that struggle is one of its mainstays. The essential thing... is this: hope as an ontological need, demands an anchoring in practice.As an ontological need, hope needs practice in order to become historical concreteness. That is why there is no hope in sheer hopefulness. The hoped-for is not attained by dint of raw hoping. Just to hope is to hope in vain.

Family coming home

So.. My family comes home today. I am very happy about that fact. I miss the noise.. I like to be alone sometimes.. but after awhile it gets pretty old. I went shopping just for some human contact. I did get a good interview outfit for like 50 bucks.. some new tongue posts.. and the toiletries I needed. So that was good. Yesterday i went through office supply, target, staples and barnes and noble looking for a good planner. I am very specific about what I want, and I dont want to pay a lot. I may end up just making one for myself. It did make me feel excited about school to be looking for school supplies. I am actually headed to Barnes and Noble this afternoon.. not to work but to study for a little bit. I have a few chapters to get read.. and I think my other books will be in soon.

Ill let you know how my other books are.. Im sort of excited. :)

Reading.

Started reading one of the recommended reading books for grad school. It is getting me excited for classes and stuff. i was worried that I might want to change my concentration, for fear that I may not be as prepared or "active" in social justice as I should be to get as much out of it. But I think Ill be ok. I may not have the ins and outs of the area down.. but thats what focused studies are for right?

Im reading the first book: Covenant with Black America.
Pretty much it is a Plan of Action for Black America to fight for equality, justice, and healthcare in the US. It is pretty intriguing. Some of the statistics are interesting, and just reading from the black populations perspective is new for me. I dont really know much in this area so I have enjoyed it. I like how the book approaches the issues too.. they have sections in the book where they propose the "problem", statistics about it, then they talk about what people can do right now, give examples of what some organizations are already doing, then they give a plan of action for legislation reformation and outline issues that must be resolved to help the overall problem. In each chapter it emphasizes that people MUST keep their representatives accountable and not just wait around for change to happen. I like that a lot. Im excited for the rest of the book and the few others I have coming in.. Ill keep you updated.

I am sitting in an empty house right now. I dont know if Ill be going to church tomorrow or not. I really should, it has been a rough week or too. Mom I love you and I am worried about you. We just want you to have the best care, and we hate seeing you on that hell hole farm if it is causing you more distress than its worth. I dont have a solution, but know I love you and I am praying.. a lot.

I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Youth group kids were so comforting while in Colorado, blessings and thanks to all the hugs.. even the awkwardly long derek hugs. Lacey I loved getting to know you, and you are one of the reasons I want to move back out to the area.. I hope we keep in touch, and you keep grounded. Im proud of who you are working to become.

It has been good talking to Steve (who I assume will read this :)). Its funny to walk into friendships and complicated relationships. I am glad the conversations we've had, even the harder ones. Im also glad the conversations we don't need to have. Its great to just mosey along with no route in sight, no destination planned. Its also fun to know he may end up a good travel buddy some day. I hold on to those kinda folk for dear life. :)

Im sorry to hear that stan is being a jackass again. AGAIN.. AGAAAAIIIINN.. What a SAC! Megan my dear I am praying for you, and for his mental health. I hope jackson and bella are ok, I hear they had a rough few weeks. I love you girls and Im sorry to hear life is crap once again.

Daniel is ok! I am so excited he is finally doing well, or relatively well. He is one of my favorite people, and really had a hard few months this summer, he has a long way to go but God is good.

Phil it was great to soapbox CoC with you yesterday. I miss our discussions and how you start whispering when it gets serious. hhahah

ehem.. I sorta downloaded the new harry potter onto my computer.. hehe.. im going to go read now!

COLORADO? Check.

So the good times this summer are officially over. hahah.. Colorado was incredible.. Ill be posting pics in a sec but I want to just say how much I miss hiking and being outside. I am pumped to move to Vermont and have hikes and stuff to do all around.

Got to hang out with Katie/Kathryn while in GH.. Man I just love her spirit. I also got to hang with my brother who is doing amazingly well.. Vivian is adorable and his house is so great..

On to pics..

Last blog til August.

I leave for Colorado tomorrow evening.. so Im assuming this will be my last post till I get back on the thirtieth.. or like aug 1 at 1am again. So peace out July!

Talked to the "guys" at work today for awhile about school stuff again. They know some pretty awesome connections around the area. A couple mags to look into, and organizations doing some good work. I also talked to a guy who is about to leave to go live in Mexico City for 2 months. He'll come back after Ive gone, but Im super jealous. I love Mexico City.. Id love to see it. Im still not talking to Nasser.. he still makes me nervous, but I feel I may need to start talking to him again to at the least keep my spanish in practice. hahah.. sad using of friends eh?

Tomorrow at work I get to do Prep stuff for the HP Party again. I get to cook up a Vat full of Frap Mix. I said Im going to pretend its my witchs brew and sing double double toil and trouble or whatever that song his... cackle cackle. How fun!

PS. I pray tomorrow will not be awkward. ehem.

Also. Kathryn you are one of most favorite people. I feel like I will forever treasure our friendship no matter how long it takes for me to see you again. Your air, attitude and view of life is so refreshing and incredible. You love on anything and anyone no matter who they are. I love that about you. Keep being you, and get your ass to africa.

Hmmm.

It is nine thirty. It is Tuesday. It is past halfway through July. This summer WHIZZED by.

So.. soon Ill be packing up and heading off to graduate school in Vermont. Conversations with the guy at work yesterday got me thinking. I am excited to be out on my own once again. I love new experiences as much as I love cozy old ones. Getting to meet a thousand new faces, forgetting all their names two seconds after, and then seeing which people change me and stick into my life. I wonder if Ill meet another Shyle or Brooke. Will I meet people like Ed who change my perspective on career? or people like Russ who try hard to make me a better person despite their own flaws? How about people like my sister who make me excited to be a parent someday because it will be a great challenge? I am excited to meet the Phils, and Nates, the Brandons, and Megans too. It is just interesting to reflect and see the array of people who have whipped me into the person I am. I was reading a book the other day, a guilty pleasure Ive read eighty thousand times. She has a character whose accent takes in a little bit from each person she meets. I feel like that too. Not just in my accent. I feel like I take on qualities, good and bad, from the people I meet. I hope that that is not a flaw.. like " I dont know who I am so I just steal stuff from others". I know who I am, and who I strive to be.
I guess I just like to truly see people and what they are about, when Im allowed that far in I tend to leave a piece of me with them, and take a little bit too. I think that is a good definition for what true relationship is. The give and take. Ive had this conversation with Phil before, he was so impressive in his quest for better friendships, deeper roots etc. I think Ive blogged on it before but it relates... Phil was saying he felt like a majority of his friendships were skin deep. Not that he or they were shallow, but that somehow he had never managed to really dig in and find a best friend or companion (I told him I considered him a best friend, because he invests in my life, listens and is always there for me..). We talked about it and realized that he rarely gave of his own story or his own life. Rather he let others tell their stories (like me who can always fill a silence with worthless blabber) and felt that that was his way to give in the relationship. He didn't like to tell his story because it felt like he was "taking" from people and forcing them to hear it. For me.. that was opposite. I think of give and take in a vice versa kind of way. Giving of your story and allowing the other person to take.. or partake of your life. Allowing them to invest in your life and story. If they never know anything about you, they can't invest. Right? The point being that in a relationship.. even though sometimes you feel like you are taking all the time.. you are allowing others to invest in you by letting them "give". I think thats an important thing. Yes we need to give as well by listening, and investing ourselves in the other person.. but it has to be an equal or near equal exchange. Phew.. I dont know if that made sense.. but there is a point..

I am excited to meet new people and begin investing anew. I love hearing peoples stories for the first time. Family, fun stories, hard times, faith stories, travel, hobbies, love triangles, whatever. You can really see the heart of people by hearing their stories.. and how they tell them. Were they ok with the death of their mother, did they actually enjoy punching that girl deep down, did God truly transform their lives, did that experience in South America change their idea of America... YOu know the GOOD stuff.

Well Ill get a nice fat chance to hear some amazing stories in the fall... especially at a school where a lot of the students are either international or travellers.. Steve you would probably get a kick out of visiting just to meet some of the people.. its gonna be fun!

God has been doing some strange things in me these past few months. I have had a lot of faith ups and downs.. Im not complaining. I like knowing God is making me a better person. Trials are just another part of that. I need to get back into my readings, and back on track a little. I was doing well for awhile and I can notice the difference in my attitude.. Im tired again. boo.

well I work most of the day today, but Ill post some work stories if anything happens.

work.

So long day at work. 9-5. boo. It was pretty slow and I worked with kate who was eating the whole time. Shes got balls... I dont know how she has kept her job. Neither of us were feeling that great but the day went by eventually. I work again tomorrow 12-8.

Break was unusually entertaining.. read some economist then started talking to some of the regulars.. older guys in their forties who spend their days off relaxing at good ol b and n. They always have good stories and like to hear about my adventures. We were discussing latest travels, and some things to do in vermont. The rest of the day ended with me spilling drinks all over. yay.

now i have some burritos and napping to do.

Ps. it was good to update you brooke. I miss my girl chatter.. ill let you know how things progress!

I leave on Friday. wow. The plan is Tim picks me up at the airport. I am nervous about this.. It could be incredibly awkward. like HARD CORE awkward.. or it could be totally chill. I still dont know about the 30th yet. As of now I plan on him driving me to detroit.. I may get to see my bro but if not I may cruise to detroit early and hang with the pops in Ann Arbor. Who knows.. my life is not my own when I dont have a car. Boo.

the marathon of work begins to work tomorrow. Good times. its only 9-5 tomorrow.. atleast I dont open.. i just come in and work.. thats nice.. i think i open thurs/fri though. I kinda like opening cuz you have the cafe to yourself for the full hour and you feel like you accomplished something when you open.. like you could say Ta da! to the first customer.

Tonight my dinner is consisting of Doritos and 7up. I got kfc for lunch excited to get one of those mashed potato and chicken bowls.. THEY FORGOT THE CHICKEN.. i was so sad. it was a very mushy lunch.

Im jamming out to Tyrone Wells.. I missed him.. he wasnt working on my ipod for a while

Verbosely speechless..

Incredible weekend. The wedding was awesome, reception a blast, and night out with friends was a lot of fun. I was thrilled to see Steve as much as I did, and meet his friend Josh who was awesome.. I hope Canada's treating him well

Thoughts and memories:
I miss the beach a lot, and just walking with people around town here and from wherever. I love that. Summers in Michigan are beautiful, and I need to partake of them more often.

I don't know if Ill ever find community like that anywhere. I hope I do. I guess its because that's the place I really lived and dug in. Its amazing being able to go back four years later like no time had passed. Seeing everyone and just relaxing in life. I know if I ever need anything I can go back to find a net of community there forever. What a blessing.

It does make me think that I want one, if not two things: to find a place to call home base for a good while.. Not necessarily settle in somewhere for good.. i need my travel, but a place to call home, to come back to. I want a house somewhere near all this community and family i hold so dear. I hope my job next year brings me somewhere I can find that home/house..
If I cant find a home base I want a home somebody.. this is more difficult! It would be nice to have someone to travel with. I guess part of me is ready to find someone for good.. I know that I am not ready to be married this very second, but i think pretty soon Ill be ready to do that. I'm excited to have someONE to share life with. At this point my memories are scattered throughout the multitudes of people I have known, which is fine, but it would be nice to begin an adventure with one person and have lots of memories with them. I know weddings tend to bring out that "single for life" fear in me, but I finally feel like I am who I want to be, and I wont change that for anyone. I know I won't settle for a happy on the outside relationship. and I am glad to finally realize I had done that before.

The other thought and realization this week is that I am so happy I live my life. Like LIVE it really. I don't do as much as I wish I did, but I don't feel like I waste my days away, or cop out of life out of fear. I am also happy that I am wired to serve.. I cant imagine living a life that doesn't change lives, change the world in some way. It is so important to me that my life make an impact, and it doesn't have to make a big one. In fact I would be content at knowing that I made a kid smile this year. But I know I have a lot more to give and that the life that I do live, will be focused on giving out and not giving in. On another level I realized that the dream of a perfect home, family, house, job blahbity blah is so much different for me than many of my friends. Like I said I want to Live life.. and that includes struggling, fights, passion, hardship, sacrifice, dirt, blood whatever. I have so much respect for my friends and the lives they have put together.. Shyle and Nate are a prime example. They live a life of service. Their house is open all the time for anyone to come and use as a refuge. I am so grateful for their friendship and example of love. I liked seeing a billion people just relaxed and hanging out at their house like it was the most obvious thing to do. Anyone and everyone are welcome, all ages and types. it was great. Id like to have that... I will.

Grand Haven.. not so much home anymore.

Last night was a blast, despite infringing upon Steve more than intended. Flights went well minus sweaty man and crying baby. Steve picked me up at the airport and we hung out at his house for a while til his friend Josh arrived. I was planning on seeing everyone at butchs..youth group kids.. but I hadnt really heard from anyone and by the time the cincinnati kids were back it was closed anyway. So then the plan was to go to see harry potter with bethany etc.. BUT josh steve and i got distracted by the beach, pier, sunset etc. Ended up at K2 for some good pizza, crazy nostalgia and a jack and coke I have longed for for quite some time.. It was a lot of fun and I ended up just coming back to shyles after. Now its saturday, rainy and the wedding is in a few hours. I saw lyd at the salon she's looking cheery and gorgeous. after some great harvest and chatting Im back at shyles. I may snooze cuz man yesterday took it out of me and I want to have a really good night.

So far the plan is to hit the wedding with Nate in tow, since wifey's in the wedding.. then to the reception with whoever will give me a ride :) Im sitting by abby+date so that will be fun. After that Im hoping alex, kyle, megan and whoever else is up for some fun will go out. Steve and Josh may end up coming out to GH again, but who knows. Its possible we head to GR somewhere but I doubt that.. everyone will be too "fun" for driving is my guess..

Tomorrow church at the waterfront, and possibly a bbq at shyles.. then hanging out and off to PA in the eve.. wow

PS. I miss grand haven but it doesnt feel like home anymore which makes me sad a little. Thats ok Ive always just sort of felt at home whereever I am. Its just weird that GH doesnt have that pull anymore. More of a getaway than a go back to ya know? I did love the pier last night. It was fun to chill with Josh and Steve.. Steves a gentleman through and through whether he likes it or not. Ill miss the kid.

made it to Michigan fine and dandy..

so things didnt work out as planned for friday night cuz I never really heard back from people who COULD hang out.. just people who couldnt.. so Ill see you guys around this weekend.. call me 682 365 6897 or see you at church on sunday

Every time I open my blog it makes me happy to see puppy.... Today went by quick. Started getting packed for the Michigan trip and the Colorado trip. Had some Mojito with the sis after enchiladas...now we are watching "So you think you can dance" with vigor.

Im SOOOOO excited to leave the day after tomorrow.!

My chacos get here tomorrow.. so does my paycheck

work, guitar, and sweet capn crunch lovin..

Work 8-4 was CRAZY busy.. but lots of fun.

Im ready for some Grand Haven.. I am pumped to see the Mexico kids, Shy, Lyd, Russ, Steve, Katy and more and more and more..

Played some Geetar. I plan to play again tonight.. yeah.

I miss brooke.

I want a great dane BADLY.

I mean they start so tiny and end up so freaking amazing. The sweetest doggies.. Huge but so sweet..

Its happenin..

Im so bored. I just got done playing guitar.. my fingers hurt. Family Guy is on.. this show is so funny.

so far its working. I assumed transformers would be corny... it rocked my face off.. I was pleasantly surprised by a few texts I received today..and all things work are turning out well..


I leave for GH in four days. I should think about packing. Maybe. I was going to try and just bring a carryon, but my shoes might take up half the bag... hahaha.. I am posting a picture of the fishies soon.. funnies thing Ive seen in a while .. its like a soap opera under water. We have two fighter fish ... "The Convict" and "The Oscar"... they both love me.. just not each other..

Jess and Albert are doing chores to earn money so they can get a job. Its funny how hard they are trying.. I wonder how long it will last..

Is it sad I am excited for the Veggietales movie coming out in January?

and lastly.. SIT screwed up again and they lost my Perkins MPN. BOOOOOOOOO..

On a lighter note.. Daniel is heavy on my heart today.. I hope he's doing better..

I need to be a pessimist. Im going to try that. Assume EVERYTHING will go wrong and be ecstatic when it goes well.

Sample? Sample? Sample? Sample?

I just handed out samples for 18 hours.. meaning 5 hours.. worst boring work ever. I cant stand baby cups and straws. There's something sinister about them.. like they think they are so damn cute but they're free so they're like whoring out the chocolatey goodness.. maybe im just tired and cranky. Most likely...

my tongue hurts a bit today. not sure why.

two more shifts.. then GH.. i am super pumped. Looks like the Mexico kids are meeting me at Butchs on Friday evening... then wedding stuff on Saturday.. however that turns out. Its a good thing I dont NEED concrete plan s.. cuz i got none. Other than me going to a wedding somehow.. with someone.. at some point.

my room needs some serious cleanage.. yipe. i have 8 non travelling days left in july..

The Well was good this morning.. it was good to see everyone.. I a saw a few people at BN later in the day..

i think maybe its time for some nappy....

My plane tix are in..

Ill be in GR airport at like 445pm ish Friday the 13th.. scary..
then leaveing around 7 on the 15th..

now to find rides to the airport.. any takers? haha..

craziness

Work was crazy today. I opened alone for the first time yet... it went well.. it was super busy all afternoon though.. I finally put the much awaited piercing video on facebook.. I had a few people who wanted to see it.. so there it is.. I dont want it up here.. a little too public.. not like very many people check it.. but still..

I found a dress for the wedding.. I am pumped.. it is my goal to show up the bride.. hahaha.. jk. but my sis had a dress that is amazing so Im stealing it.. I love being the same size! too bad I cant steal her shoes too! I got someone to cover my shift for the wedding ... WOOT.. dad is supposedly getting tix.


ugh im tired.. and I dont know who asked about tim.. but im not going to spill the beans til I get to actually talk to him.. I got some "intel" and it made the situation clearer a bit.. I totally get why he hasn't called but the fact is he sorta pansied out.. so until I have a real conversation with him and get things straightened out.. deal with some vague deets..

early..

Well I work in half an hour but i had to post.... my night turned out better towards the end.. I assume the tequila residue of the night before was working its depressive manner yesterday.. i ALWAYS forget I react like that.. maybe Ill remember next time... hahah.. also.. a side note

CONGRATS TO BROOKE AND CHAUNCEY ON THEIR ENGAGEMENT!!!

Downhill day..

Today quickly got worse worse worse.. many thanks to Russ for the informational and much appreciated conversation. It did however put a damper on my fourth of july..

Thus.. mac and cheese, an empty house, and some soul searching to do... I hate when i get myself into these kinda situations..you know the heart wrenching ones you cant do anything about...

and it started raining. thank you God for doing the crying for me.... I just cant work it up, and I hate crying over guys.. so... ill let the rain do it.

(ps.. Steve if you read this it isnt about you kid.. I had a great dayish with ya.. Ill see you soon!)

A Day with Blade

Well had a good day or so with Steve. He has reinforced his coolness and I am remembering why I liked the kid in the first place. He's such a nut. We hit up Tyler State Park for some geocaching.. lots of weeds, a cornfield run, and a few scenic detours. Then we REALLY took the scenic route to Outback for dinner. It was good food despite the 5 dollar beers... poor steve.. my margarita was fantastically strong. The day continued with a search for margarita mix and a tobacco shop. We did not prevail on all accounts but margaritas were conquered and downed with much enthusiasm. We had a great time, he left this morning to go hang with another pal that lives in Phillie for the fireworks and stuff tonight. All in all a great time, I hope I get to see him when Im in town for the wedding. Thats assuming tickets are bought and I hear from Tim saying I have a ride from the airport. If I dont hear from him soon I may end up conning steve into doing it. we'll see..

Well I am going to go crash for a few hours. then its the fourth.. woot. ehem. I have work tomorrow at 8.. boo.

this doesnt deserve a title.

Work pretty much sucked last night. Busy, worked with the slowest person. Rich was cool though, he's a pretty awesome guy. Too bad he was stressed beyond belief, gotta love being management.

Steve is coming in today. on his way. Should be fun, hopefully I can find SOMETHING entertaining to do.. Im such a stranger to the area that I just dont really know where anything fun is. oh well.

Im still trying to get work off for the wedding.. Im pretty sure Ill just call in if I dont find anyone. I just cant imagine missing it.

back from the shore

Well it was a lovely week out at the shore.. boardwalks, beachwalks, rollercoasters, funnel cake, fudge, waterpark, and piercings.. well piercing singular... heheheheh


I worked last night and it was crazy nuts.. some guy came in and asked for 5 rediculously detailed drinks, he read them out confusingly, I got the drinks right, rang it up wrong and ended up getting tips from the next 3 customers for my mistake.. hahahah.. weird I work again tonight.. with Chris. Should be entertaining.

Well.. I have nothing of consequence to say. I havent heard from tim in forever.. he's starting to frustrate me.. Ill continue to give him the benefit of the doubt.. but I hate when people say theyll call and then dont. Id rather they just say hey Im gonna be busy and may not get a chance to call... it hurts less.. I can take it. On the lighter side of things Steve is coming into town tomorrow. I am super pumped to see him. Its not often you meet such cool people, and get to see them more than once. We'll get to independence day party a wee with the fam.

yup.. this is me going.. really? I posted all that? hahaha.. oh well.. got to love a good cathartic blog... not that it was too drastic.. Ive had worse..

blitz

This is going to be one of those posts I regret.. you know.. openness that should probably be held back for the sake of saving face, salvaging pride or whatever. But right now I don't care about my pride, or my face.

I find myself in an unusual predicament. I am on the couch in a house empty of all inhabitants, except for the demon fish in the tank and the fat spider I trapped under a tupperware I am too chicken to move. I watched a little So You Think You Can Dance, did some Sudoku, and I was about to read some Harry Potter. My sister is at work, overtime for some fat cash, the kids are at Julies for the week, and Bill isn't back from his week in one of the Dakotas yet. I am not working again til after our week at the shore and I am realizing how quickly this summer is zooming by. Soon Ill be a graduate student struggling through case studies and research papers, trudging through snow in less than professional clothing, and yuckin it up with international students from all over the world. Before that I get to trudge Colorado with my favorite youths, do some hiking, and praise God for hours! I feel like so much is going on in my life, but at this very moment I am struggling to find activities to keep myself from my least favorite activity.... pining.

I hate pining, especially when there is so much mystery. I haven't heard from Tim all week, since Sunday night. Now let me add some context to those in the dark on this one.. hopefully Tim doesn't get weirded out if he reads this.. Number one I know not many read this blog anyway.. second.. oh well :P
Tim and I have been talking for about 2 1/2 months.. by talking I mean phone convos, emails, texts etc. It has been such a blessing getting to know him, and I have gotten used to hearing from him regularly. I don't feel like he "owes" me the calls, it is just nice to talk to him, and hear about his day. Point is I have gotten accustomed to his companionship no matter how trivial the conversations, and it is weird to feel a sadness because I haven't heard from him in 4 measly days.

The reason I say I hate pining is because it feels so selfish. Why hasnt he called ME? Maybe Ill call him, no I shouldn't be a stalker like that. I sent him a message he hasn't messaged ME back. I don't know, maybe it is just the fact that I assume he is off doing amazingly adventurous things like actually working, playing with my youths, walking Maddie, and spending time with the people I love like Russ, Lacey, etc. So what it comes down to is I am jealous, super jealous for his time. The other aspect is I have no right to be jealous for HIS time. So what changed in the past 2.5 months? When did my heart get wrapped in this guy I've never met but I feel like Ive known for years? Do I take a step back?.. Do I take it as a blessing?.. Am I obsessing?.. I don't know.

I have learned a few lessons though:

• God pines for my time.. He wishes I would turn away from the computer, tv and HP and spend time with him..
• God knows if Tim is worth pining over.. He'll show me in due time..
• Tim is worth the friendship..
• It is never wrong to care about someone, or to let them know they have touched your heart.
• I crave companionship, I miss being in a relationship that is based on God's will, I will be ready for a serious relationship very soon, but not quite yet.
• My nephew gives the best hugs, my niece the best smiles, my sister is quickly becoming my best friend, that makes me happier than I could ever say.

So.. to top off the longest weirdest post ever...
Tim, don't be freaked out... this is me working things out. I love talking to you, hearing about your day, or just saying Hi.. you will never "owe it to me" to call, but it brightens my day. I have invested some of my heart in you, and I like to know you are doing well. Prayers for the end of your rotation, the test, issues with friends, your ministry to our youths, and to a summer of surprises.

Amber, I love you with all my heart, and I am so proud to be your sister. Your friendship means the world, you have always been someone I can look to for strength and love.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALBERT!

Well so far I am still on the job.. I work in a few hours. Should be fun. I am watching a Baby Story on TLC. Pretty much I am the typical girl right now. Pjs, Dr Pepper, Marie Claire, TV shows that make me excited to have a family some day, and lazy. It is a quiet house without the kids, they are off at Julies this week so I am free of the niece and nephew. I might actually miss the distraction.

I went to a walmart last night to pick up some amenities. It was the weirdest walmart ever. From the outside it was HUGE, but when I got inside it was claustrophobic. Everything was set up strange and they didnt even have a grocery section, just a few aisles with a few things. It was like 20 minutes away too. Not worth. Ill just CVS/ACME it up from now on.

This sunday at church I brought the kids while amber slept from work the night before. They got to hang out with Childrens church and from what I heard they really liked it. Jess helped with the little kids and they both got to make a book for their dad for fathers day. Beth, the lady in charge, fell in love with them.. ofcourse they are both such charmers. :)

So I should really be fired from my job at barnes and noble. But thats ok that I havent been yet. I have one shift this week (because I got my days switched and didnt show for my shift saturday.. oops) then off to the shore for a week. Hopefully SUPER AWESOME RADNESS STEVE will come into Phillie around the fourth, then off to Lyds wedding on the 13-15th.. Colorado the 20th-30th, then Ill need to start figuring stuff out for grad school.. CRAZINESS..

I am officially nervous.

An update on life...

Things are going so well in Philadelphia. I started my job.. and Ill soon be fired. Hahah.. no but I do have to ask off ANOTHER week of work for the Colorado trip with First Pres. Ill be missing the Harry potter release and the whole week after it.. woops. I shouldnt have even applied. oh well.. Hopefully I wont have to quit to avoid getting fired for "abandoning" my job.. as you can tell Im quite worried.. hahah

I got a new cell phone.. thats what I did the movie of Al on.. the pics turn out pretty well too.. who needs a digital camera.. i mean seriously..

We watched our family movie today.. how funny.. its possible that someday I wont be embarrassed of my naked infancy being recorded for all to see.. there was less blushing than normal.. but seriously.. my dad is an embarrassing man.. especially with the naked butt shot.. i mean sheesh..

Steve may be in town for 4th of July.. that will be fun to see him.. he was a cool guy..

Ill finally meet tim two weeks later.. things are going well there, I love talking to him.. what a dork.. It will be fun to take the Colorado trip with youth group and get the chance to get to know him better..


Thats about all I got..

This is my nephew.. He is nuts.. but he has the best giggle..
I love you Albert!

Church hunting

God is so good. This morning Amber, Jess and I checked out a church a few minutes from the house..

www.thewellpa.com

it was an awesome experience. Small, laid back, coffee, art on the walls, great band, and some of the nicest welcoming people. Not to mention you can tell they have their hearts in the right place. I am excited to go back next week. Jess LOVED it. She was surprised at the band, and how informal it was. This is my kind of home church. Makes me not want to move!

I am loving living here. I am in Phillie with my sis, her kids, and bill.. actually.. I am laying on the couch watching the Idol finale.. there is a bunny on the porch outside, the kids are at school, and my sisters upstairs in bed after working last night.. so relaxing.

well.. i should go make myself presentable to the world.. Im in for an old navy run..

Love you guys!

Mom.. call me.. I tried like 4 times but it didnt go through on either your home or cell!

We are in Roanoke, VA in a Days Inn.. Airconditioning, shower, and no sitting in a car

My legs are killing me from our hike in the Smokies today. It was a blast.. a great hike.. a funny waterfall.. and a lot of huffing and puffing from yours truly. Tomorrow we have two hikes planned and about 6 hours of driving.. then PHILLIE! Yay!!!!!

I am super excited to see my sister tomorrow.. and the kids.. I miss them.

Leaving....

My bags are packed.. Im ready to go.. My car is actually "low riding" a little.. quite sad, and I seriously have zero room to accumulate any extra stuff.. its weird to think the majority of my belongings fit in a space roughly the size of a refrigerator box... well a big refrigerator box..

Apologies to those of you going out to sonic on monday night expecting our "last goodbyes". Im pretty horrible at that, and honestly Im an idiot and I just forgot.. but I think inside I just didn't want to say goodbye. You guys have been amazing these four years, I wouldn't have made it through without you, and I can't imagine not seeing you ever again. So despite my joking, Ill see you around. Ill try not to fall off the face of the planet, and Ill try to let you know when Im coming to visit.. Keep in touch.. I love you all.

I cannot WAIT to get to Phillie. Man.. this summer is going to be an adventure. I can see that I am meant to be there, and that God has some awesome things in store for my sister and I. The kids are excited to see me and that is encouraging. Ive always wondered if they even remember me, so Im proud to be the Aunt Pico and spend some time with the munchkins.

God I love you, and I am so thankful

When the rain comes..

I am having a hard night. I spent the last few days with my mom and I got back from missourri yesterday. Mommy, I missed you. I miss you. I will miss you. You have been a light in my life and the only person who has NEVER let me down. Thank you for being the amazing woman you are. I am proud to be your daughter. I love you. Ill see you soon

Today has been stressful so far, but I'm done with finals, the dogs are clean, the house is clean, and my dad will be here soon. I'm nervous for this weekend, but Im proud of my four years in Abilene..

I hope I dont let myself stress out too much.

My last exam is tomorrow morning at 8. crazy.

Ill teach your grandmother to suck eggs!

Sitting watching Heroes. What a great show.. man. GG was good last night too. I have my last final tomorrow.. I don't know how well it will go.. I have to start studying pretty soon. Its for Novel so I have about 5 novelas that i have to review... Its gonna be a lot of work but hopefully it will be ok. My presentations went well yesterday.. I got an A on my Term Paper.. thats pretty exciting..

I got to talk to Tim for awhile last night.. it has been fun getting to know him, and sharing stories. I will say its weird that I haven't actually met him in person.. I feel like we've been friends for a long time. I'm trying to find a way to stay longer in Michigan when I go up for Lyd's wedding. I have so many people to see and spend time with, a few days isn't going to be enough. Besides it would be nice to get a chance to hang out with Tim in person. I even thought about going up in June but I don't know if that can happen logistically or monetarily. Who knows.. I can't wait to see friends and fam in Michigan though. I miss everyone, I miss Grand Haven.

Things I miss from GH:
walking the pier and jumping off it too
bonfires on the beach
playing tag on the imagination station
walking duncan's woods
best fireworks ever
butchs, rays, pizza and sub shop, dairy treat, Jumpin Java,
grass that I can walk in barefoot
ultimate at lakeshore
youth group
jamming with friends, singing with shyle

Im done. Theres more but Im such a dork.

Irrationality ensues. Disregard all thought processes for the coming days.. I will let you know when the clouds have blown over.

Love, Eve.

Announced.

Gotta love my blatant idiocy. I officially sent out my graduation announcements today. And yes the ceremony is saturday. Apologies to my family and friends, it has been a rough semester. Plus I forgot the whole inside and outside envelope action and messed up a bunch of them.. I blame Full House for distracting me.. I mean it WAS the episode at Disney World.. can you blame me.

So I am procrastinating hard today. I just have zero desire to BS anymore. I mean seriously..

I heard from Lydia today, that made me smile, I hope all the planning is going well, I'm sure it will be incredible and that I will be unbecomingly jealous.

I'm watching a lil' GG.. its a nice trip down memory lane.

I graduate in 5 days. Woot.

On a more serious note.. I have been thinking a little bit about my future. I realized that once I'm done with this first year of classes at grad school I could end up anywhere, in the US or out. It's sort of scary, but I guess it's still exciting. Dios Sabe.

Oh Weekend..

It was a good weekend. Im not going to divulge anything else. I just want to say that it is officially finals week. I graduate in 6 days, I have great friends, amazing family, and I keep meeting the coolest people.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO AMBER!
Happy 29th(again)!

" I want an elephants trunk to go over my head in a warm embrace.... what? It looked nice!"
-Brooke

Long Day, but a good one

Cleaned out my car today.. we attempted to see what would fit.. it'll be close but I think its going to work out pretty well.. We also went caching today.. Man I needed to get outside. It was a good day of caching too.. I got eaten alive by mosquitos at one that was near a creek.. we took the LONG way around but found it eventually. The last one we went to was in the erinshire gardens or whatever they are called.. besides that we found nice little patch of BAMBOO trees in the middle of abilene. We grabbed some dead ones for some cool walking stick action.. it was fun. Really beautiful walks.. some interesting hides..

Well Im off to relax some.. tomorrow I get to play some Ultimate and continue the packing/cleaning/studying loveliness..

YAY FOR SCHOOL ALMOST BEING OUT!

First thing's first...

Thanks Steve (blade:P) for getting me hooked on Tyrone Wells and Brian Rowe. Holy crap its really good relaxin music for studying.. Im jammin out to "sea breeze" by TW and lovin it.

Thanks to my cute a** sister who hit on my future manager at work so I can get a job at BN. Heheh.. Im only slightly kidding. I am hoping he gives me a call tomorrow. It was really cool to talk to jess on the phone tonight. I haven't been able to get to know her very well these past years, I am excited to spend some time with her this summer. Wow it's coming soon...

So I decided this summer is my summer for fun reading.. Im gonna make a list of all the great literature I wish I had read.. I was about to start the list.. but I can't decide. Im gonna see what I can find at BN.. you know once i have a discount :)

I got in a conversation today about how I think anyone who cites wikipedia as a direct source should automatically fail the assignment (with fair warning in the syllabus) I mean seriously kids, lets do some real research. It is one thing to use it as a springboard to better resources but as a primary source? really? boo.. the person I talked with was like "Many universities throughout the US take it as a source, even some Ivy Leagues" ... I dont know if I believe that. Plus lets just use common sense here.. Although I will say that I read a journal article the other day that cited it as a source for the basic background knowledge of a topic. I guess I could handle that. You know like the basic history stuff we all know.. but even then.. its a little iffy.

My presentation went well today. I used all 20 of my minutes.. much to the dismay of my fellow classmates. I guess I get excited about good literature. This book was really great.. I think Ill sit down and read it again this summer.. Maybe read one of his others. Keep my spanish fresh. I realized today that friday is my very last spanish class ever. How am I going to keep my spanish fresh? no idea.. Ill have to find some people to talk to until my next trip. I guess I could make amends with Nasser, but he creeped me out.

Love you all. Peace today. Je doit etudier pour mon examen que j'ai demain. Au Revoir!

The lessons of the unavoidable.

Not that anyone cares, but Im sitting in the Foreign Language department making use of their computer lab. They keep walking by looking at me funny. Maybe because Ive had classes all day since 8am and Im still haunting the halls. What can I say, I had some emailing to do.

Today was my last day of TR classes. I have a presentation tomorrow, two exams on thursday, one class to sleep through friday, two fake presentations the following tuesday, one real exam and a french "party" on friday morning. Then graduation saturday with my dad and Bob Roberts in tow. Thats pretty much it for undergrad. Bewildering. I know Ive probably posted about it 800 times but a girls gotta process somehow.

I read this book called La Quinta Montana by Paulo Coelho. He's written a lot of other books ( the alquimist, the witch of portobello, Eleven Minutes, etc) and he's pretty great. His books are all about the spiritual journey of life, the fight for fulfilling your own destiny, and dealing with tragedy's play in that fulfillment. Some of his quotes are pretty awesome.. so here's some sharing time:

-It’s always necessary to know when the stage of one’s life has ended. If you stubbornly cling to it after the end has passed, you lose the joy and meaning of the rest. And you risk being shaken to your senses by God.

-Learn something. At this moment, many people have stopped living. They do not become angry, nor cry out; they merely wait for time to pass. They did not accept the challenge of life, so life no longer challenges them. You are running the same risk; react, face life, but do not stop living.

-Only those men and women with the sacred flame in their hearts had the courage to confront Him. And they alone knew the path back to His love, for they understood that tragedy was not punishment but challenge.

-All life’s battles teach us something, even those we lose…. you’ll discover that you have defended lies, deceived yourself, or suffered for foolishness. If you’re a good warrior, you will not blame yourself for this, but neither will you allow your mistakes to repeat themselves.

- There are moments when God demands our obedience. But there are moments in which He wishes to test our will and challenges us to understand His love.

- There is no tragedy, only the unavoidable. Everything has its reason for being: you only need to distinguish what is temporary from what is lasting. What is temporary?… The unavoidable… and what is lasting?… The lessons of the unavoidable.

- A child can teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires.

- Sadness does not last forever when we walk in the direction of that which we always desired.


SO these are pretty cool in english, and cooler in spanish, but I wanted everyone to enjoy them, so I copped out for you and found the quotes online.. there are a few in spanish too but they are at home and Im not at home. So maybe later

I just love this guys insights. Seriously. What do you think?

Library Blues..

I am in the library. Our internet at the house is out again.. thus to quell my insatiable need to check my email, I actually went to the library. Actually a big part of it was I still have some research I need to do for my presentation on wednesday and I have to do it online.. so.. it was a good excuse..

Forgive my previously incredibly mushy post. Its true Im female every once in awhile.

Tomorrow begins the very last week of undergrad classes. UNREAL.. I dont believe it. I really dont. Im kind of in denial about it. I move in three weeks-ish. thats INSANE. I cant believe I wont be coming back to Texas next year. Im not sure if Ill miss it, but Im more unsure of making a big change. Being in Texas has been a long hard stretch. Once I graduate Ill have no home base. AND THAT IS SCARY. I guess Phillie will be my home base for awhile. but only a little while, then I have to figure out who I want to be, and where I want to be. I realized after spending the week with the first pres kids that my heart is still stuck in GH a little. I miss youth group, my family, and a good spring.

I caught a new vision the other day. I was talking to megan about it some. It may end up being my kick off ministry that can lead me into the cafe/youth ministry/missions thing. I need to talk it up to a few people first.. and that requires Russ to get back from the DR with Tim and Lacey.

I hope its going well for them.. they were so excited.

My dad and Bob Roberts ( his friend that Ive known forever) are coming in for graduation. They are more stoked about it than I am. The graduating part is cool, but Im more excited about the next phase. I guess Im not one of those live in the moment people, I tend to look ahead, and then get excited about where "now" is leading me to. I dont know if thats a strength or a weakness..

I heart Pride and Prejudice

You have bewitched me body and soul..... I love.. I love... I love you...

Man.. you hear that noise? Thats the sound of my knees going weak.. Oh wait.. give it a few minutes... and the best kiss ever.. yes correct the last 15 minutes of the new pride and prejudice get me every time. I do love the old long one for the drama and the build up.. but there is something about the last 10-15 of the new one.. with the music in the background.. the sunset.. then the kiss on the roof. Man. Man.

K im done.. I just wanted to sigh a little.

Thanks to Lacey for stealing Tims phone and calling me at 8am. It was a very good wakeup call. Well I was technically awake.. sort of..

Goodnight all...

I just spent the last couple hours packing up stuff. despite having a weeks worth of time post graduation.. I felt the need to get my room/stuff in some sort of organization. Im really not sure if Im gonna be able to get all my stuff in my car without bottoming out. I may need to go through and pair down some more.. boo.

FINALLY all my grad school paperwork is done and settled.. feels good to know its all ready to go. Now all thats left is a week of classes, finals, graduation, a week finishing the packingness and then off to PHILLIE! I am soooo excited. I am pumped to get to hang out with my amazing sister and her kids. We've been talking a lot more lately and I forget sometimes how well we get along. We're gonna start church shopping when I get there too.. should be awesome

Prayers:
Summer Job stuff
Finals
Roommate travel..
Tim, Russ, Lacey off to the DR for the week
Time and money management..

I have finished the race! I have won the battle! I have written my Term Paper!

I cant proclaim its efficient use of language, it was rather prolific and unorganized, but it is complete to the extent necessary for me to GRADUATE.

Thats all I needed. I didn't even put it off til the VERY last minute. Im two days early.

Tim I hope your presentation went well today, and that you rock your exams tomorrow. Don't worry, you ooze God's favor, you'll do fine. If anything, show them a pic of Maddie and they will melt like chocolate cake on a barbecue.

I love you all.. thanks to family and friends who have helped me get through this crazy CRAZY semester, and those of you who continue to encourage me everyday.

I love my mommy. Hi momma.. Your baby goats callin for ya! I miss you!

Dr. Pepper, M&Ms and my lappy..

Im in a relationship with my lappy. We've been really close these past few days. Sharing stories, working through our issues and creating great works of scholastic achievement. Together. We have been able to minister together to friends back home, listen to music and look at pictures together. I sang to my lappy today.. a lil jmraz for my lovely lappy. Sweet lappy, oh sweet lappy. How I love thee, how I forgive thee for deleting thyself completely...

A few more pages and I am free from the prison that is my term paper. A few weeks and I am a graduate. A few weeks after that and ill be in PA, a few weeks after that Ill be in MI getting coffee with a cool dude and watching the most beautiful wedding since shyle and nate got hitched.

Things I love:
Talking people into working with me in the future
Encouraging and counseling my youthies.. i miss youth group.
Dr. Pepper, Jones Fufu Berry, and iced mochas.
People volunteering to edit my paper
Getting good music from friends
Heroes, Bueno, and good conversation
My roomies.. ill miss you gals
Great Dane puppies that could eat me at three weeks.. k newfies too.
Meeting fellow men and women of God who are seeking Him wholeheartedly
Singing my heart out at Unite every tuesday with no qualms about it.. what freedom!
Knowing that next year will be a challenge!
My mommy, my sis, my bro, and my cool dad.
Jess' and Albies.
Waking up to a big bag of Honey Combs.
Looking at Job boards for inspiration.
Ultimate.. man I miss disc.
Learning the guitar..


Cheers.

hey hey hey!

k.. so I have been studying/emailing/listening to gospel choral music since like 9:30 this morning.

THUS.. I am quitting for the evening.. I need some good hearty food.

I heard the song Prayer for the Children for the first time in a long time today. I downloaded it. It was a piece the ensemble did senior year. Its a tear jerker.. I sent it to Tim. What a good heart that guy has. Woah.. that sentence was a little too yoda. Man my english has gone to CRAP.

Happy Prom night to the GH kids.. man.. what a time warp...

Yah thats our backyard yesterday. We had all the plumbing redone, but holy cow they like RIPPED IT UP.. the dogs were happy to have plenty of fresh dirt to muddy themselves with.
Off to some Termin action before the Shades Show tonight with Tabitha! Step what?

I just got an answer to a prayer. by way of that quote i just found online. cool.

Si supiera que el mundo se acaba mañana, yo, hoy todavía, plantaría un árbol.

Martin Luther King,

I am officially sick of filling out paperwork for Grad school. I am hoping I just sent in the last of the paperwork. I forgot how much there is. ACU didn't feel this crazy. I guess because Im actually taking out loans for grad school that all that is added on top of it all. Besides that Im pretty lost in what classes Ill be taking.. there are some required and some electives.. but Im assuming the classes can't be too demanding because I need like 32 hours in two semester. that might mean possible death.

HOWEVER look at these amazing courses:

Intercultural Communication
Organizational Behavior: Multicultural Team Devt
Org. Beh:Leadership and Organization
Practitioner Inquiry
Social Change

Conflict Transformation
Cultural Activism
Education for Social Justice
Ethics in Intercultural Training
Fundraising Principles and Practice
Cross Cultural Counseling
International Policy and Citizen Advocacy
Issues in Social Justice in Intercultural Studies
Multicultural Organization Devt
Program Planning and Product Design
Social Identity: Inclusion and Exclusion
Leadership, Community and Coalition Building
Strategic Planning and Implementation
Training Design for Experiential Learning
Training for Social Action

HOLY COW! Im really gonna have to pray about what classes to take.. some of these are so practical and some are just really interesting!

Today was a good day. I was productive. encouraged. and truly blessed by the day.

Thank you God for all of the amazing people you have been putting in my life. Thank you for the chance to chat with Tim. Bless him in his work and guide his steps. Bless our friendship and the conversations we continue to have. Thank you for friends and family who know my heart, and respect the passions and beliefs I have. Thank you for the chance to live out my dreams, your dreams, and raise up world changers.

GOD HELP ME TO WRITE THIS PAPER. No seriously.. it's all yours. Here's the lappy.. go at it. Feel free to abolish NAFTA and do something better in the process. I don't have those kinda powers, but I bet if you wrote my paper you could change the world with every phrase. Man that would be cool. Could I be allowed a smidgen of pride if my lappy was the vessel for the ACTUAL changing of the world.

I would like to draw an application of my nonsense and say.. maybe one day the world will be changed.. from my lappy... but in its current state.. doubtful.

Im gonna go write now. right now. :)

I AM productive
I AM on task
I AM a good writer
I AM not tired
I AM awake
I AM healthy
I AM sick of NAFTA
I AM not a fan of chillie cheese steaks
I AM a Harry Potter fan
I AM a hugger not a fighter
I AM still rather feisty
I AM not currently on task... blast

Loaded

I just realized how loaded that last post was. Sometimes I don't realize the extent to which I divulge of myself on here. Ive never truly been very guarded, but sometimes a girl needs some secrets. Oh well, its already out there I guess. For the world to see. Maybe Im making more of it than it is. I never know anymore..

My guitar is staring me in the face. I really want to play it but I have an hour before my next two classes and a onepager to write... sad.

I wonder if Ill actually take the time to play this summer.. I feel like Im too embarrassed to play in anyone's presence so I may not since the house will be sort of filled all the time.. I just need one song.. just one to get me started.. hahah.. good luck.

ps. Tetanus shots still suck crack.. my arm kills! its like a constant deadarm..

pss. I had some GREAT dreams last night.. it involved lydias wedding and getting to see people I havent seen in a while, and people from yg and stuff. I missed everyone. It was a huggy dream. I like dream hugs, they feel real. which is happy.

Now I get it..

So I finally joined the masses in the switch to the highly acclaimed gmail:
phyllischill@gmail.com

however now I finally realize how crappy hotmail is.. i cant get it to forward my mail to gmail, plus gmail wont add the account to "retrieve" mail from my hmail account.. thus.. Im still technically hotmailing it.. BOO..

My outline and Intro/Basis pages are written for my Term paper.. so i am 2 for 12! WOOT!

I spent a little time checkin out Brattleboro online today. It is a teeny town, but there seems to be a lot to do in the area. So hopefully Ill meet some cool adventurous people. This little checking out was inspired by my oh so painful Physical today.. blood drawn, TB test and the HATED TETANUS shot.. it was necessary though.. it was about to "expire" or whatever and knowing my clumsiness.... dear goodness it was a good idea.

FYI Dr. Essell is amazing.. I highly recommend him to you abilinian folk. Cool cool guy.

Today I am missing Shyle. I read a message of hers or saw a picture or something today.. i dont even remember the trigger. I just miss her. She is such a great gal, and I love her dearly. She has the biggest heart EVER and I am jealous. I tend to be on the more cynical side of life, and I tend to be a big jerk so often. Shyle has the tenderest heart and the coolest hubby. I LOVE YOU TOO NATE! Point being, I am blessed to know her, and she really inspires me to find someone. I know I am still at a place where I am ok with the whole single thing. Im not completely content with myself, and it gets pretty lonely, but Ill live.

I guess the real reason for the post is this: despite being ok with it, being single is a temporary thing. I dont want to be a "single for life". I am not wired that way. I crave companionship, friendship, love and just a partner in crime. I feel like I am officially ready to start seeking a strong relationship. I need to find someone I can laugh with, and someone who gets my passions. Ive always said finding someone who isn't fired up for your basic passion is just dead weight. They'll never truly get who you are. Maybe thats not true, I dont know.

I just would love to find someone who I can call and exclaim over my 2/12 accomplishment, sit and drink dr. pepper, listen to music, say nothing, say everything, crack jokes, beat up a little, get into deep discussions and tirades over the injustice of the world, and love like crazy. But I also know that my go-getter attitude tends to ruin it. I am trying to learn how to sit back and let the guy do the chasing. yah Im sure the "speak your mind" is refreshing sometimes.. but guys... you like working for it a little dont you? and I tell you what us girls really do LOVE being chased...

Seriously.. for me I have ALWAYS wanted a guy to do a big grand gesture. I have always wanted a surprise party, always hoped someone would surprise me with something sweet.. It just rarely happens.. I dont think Ive ever been truly surprised in a big way. I tell you what though... one grand gesture and Im a goner.. i tell you what.. its the truth. Maybe I shouldnt have given that away! hahahhaa..

I better go before I say anything Ill regret..

Chill y Chilito

ehem. an addendum

Five minutes after I posted that relent, I wrote out my entire outline in like five minutes. Figures. I still wasted a lot of my time.. blasted facebook/AIM.. I just need to disconnect and get it done. sheesh

Tomorrow morning is my doc appointment. Physical for gradschool WOOT.. I get the TB shot, possibly Tetanus and hopefully a go ahead to get a test for lupus.. GOODIE


My day got a little brighter with an unexpected email today.

Church was really good today. It was good to see everyone.

Brooke and I had some amazing convos today. I miss that. It was really intense for awhile and it was good to sort some things out in our brains. Also just realizations that we are becoming real people. Strange.

Thanks to Daniel for the ear and encouragement last night. I am excited for all he has going on.

Prayers:
Summer Job issues, travel to Lyd's wedding (WOOT)
Aris, Bethany, Abs, Lacey, Derek, Zak,
Continued energy and desire to actually get work done.
Steve: direction, plans, safety, great experiences...
World Servants: continued renewal, that the bus thing works out

I am tired. I am stressed. And I am utterly confused by my term paper. Everytime I get somewhere on it, I find out something more or different was expected. I am emotional today. This patience thing is hard..it has only been one week of patience.. one week. I hope it gets easier. I want to go home. I want this semester to end now. This big house feels lonely, despite the roommates being in the other room. I want Lydias wedding to be tomorrow.. so I will have graduated, finished all my work, moved, driven 24 hours, flown to GH, seen amazing people, and hopefully a few specifically cool people. I want to hug shyle to death, and find kate and play with er. I want a Russ hug, a Lacey hug, a Tracey hug, a Bryant hug, I need an Abs and Bethany secret or two and a huge bonfire with lots of singing. What I want the most is for God to take over my heart and continue to show me that his desires are bigger than my own. That his plan is safer and better. That he has someone out there for me who is pining just as hard without me knowing it. I want to be in Mexico. I want to sit with Chilito on my lap and giggle. I want to be mobbed by kids, and laughed at by a pastor. But I cant be in Mexico right now. I have Thesis to nail down, and a room full of crap to pack up. I cant be in Grand Haven right now. I have to suffice with tonights dinner with friends and tostadas. I cant go to heaven right now.. God has too much for me to do here.

"I want to be free in this world.
I hope that everybody understands
I want to be free and fly away
And smell all the flowers in the world
I want go go go away.."
Belinda.

Sometimes I check my blog to see if anyone has left comments. I like discussion. But I think I am officially giving up on getting comments.. All my friends are mute slash lacking fingers to type.

So a few weeks ago I thought hey, Ill be on the ball and send in an appy to Barnes and Nobles.. Im a shoe in right? So I did.. humbly of course. I even sent a resume since the appy didnt have room for all my jobs back through my first work at B&N. I called today. They never got it. She's looking for it. I would just print it out again.... but my lappy got wiped.. so I have to redo all my resumes. So... I may have to send in another appy. Maybe Ill send candy too.. gotta butter em up somehow.

I played some GEEtar today. Not much. Im really struggling with it. but some day I will prevail.

Last night's devo verses were really good for where Im at right now:
Phillipians 4: 4... (Mess.:Remix)
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers. Letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle on you. Its wonderful what happens when Christ displaces the worry at the center of your life.
.... Do that... and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies..


Man.. could that be any more perfect?

A Minor Test of Faith.. Just to Drive Home the Point

My Lappy's hard drive got wiped today. Noone's fault, and despite a lot of effort on the part of Team55. But it happened. I lost all pics/docs/music. Learned my lesson.. don't attach personal value to things that aren't more than numbers and data.. its not worth it. I do miss some of the pics.. seeing as I hadnt put them up on facebook. The music I can deal with.. the majority was trash. And luckily I hadnt started actually writing my term paper.. never thought procrastination would be a blessing. I made it through the chaos and phone tag with Team55 without a single expletive or tear. Thats a step. I never used to freak out about stupid stuff, but this past year my stressometer would spike without warning.. resulting in sickness. I guess that incessant "patience, patience, patience" is coming in handy for more situations than I thought...

I did my first networking today. I hooked up WorldServants with a new school bus through Global Sam, plus they may end up making use of WS's stuff they have in warehouses. So thats exciting!!

I started packing again today. Bagging up things Im not going to need for good will, putting away clothes I dont need in the next month. I really dont have nearly as much stuff as I thought. but what I do have is crap. Useless stuff.. like my ESL box from my project last year, bag of markers that are dried out, 2 laptop cases I dont use, more bedding than Ill ever need.. I dont know.. I guess its stuff i just keep moving with me in case Ill EVER need it.. but if there's one thing I learned from my mom, nobody NEEDS all that stuff. Travel light, live light. The more stuff you accumulate the more you have to move. I guess thats just a weird thing because we tended to move a lot, and that hasnt changed for me... There's no complaint there by the way.. I like living light..

As i was thinking about this today.. God started to speak some things into my heart. Don't carry around things that are out of your control (ie lappy crapping out, worries about people, heartache etc), Let God carry those burdens, no matter how light (trivial, minor, simple, worldly). Now I need to figure out why this is being put on my heart right now.. I have some ideas. It goes along with the incessant "patience, patience, patience" Ive been hearing about another subject.. So Ill let you know how it goes.

Fruit of the Spirit in the Message: Remix:

• Affection for others
• Exuberance about life
• Serenity
• Willingness to stick with things
• Sense of compassion
• Conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people
• Involved in loyal commitments
• Not needing to force our way in life
• Able to marshal and direct our energies wisely

I really like this list.. compared to the overmemorized, peace patience kindness etc.

This list feels more like a list of things that will be manifested in a faithful life.. Ive never thought of it in the way that the fruit of the spirit isn't worked on (though we can make decisions that end up in this fruit directly)... I guess it is just neat to find a new way to articulate it.

Day of Zero Triumph

I read my spanish novel in World religions this morning, then got uber confused in the subsequent french class
I busted my butt reading a really long chapter, and trying to memorize all the Mexican presidents from the Revolution to NAFTA... no quiz today.
I couldve slept through Seminar.. It was on Africa, and yet.. rediculously boring.
I came home, my computer crashed. I was not happy, thanks to phil and Team 55 it may be usable some day.
I have a butt ton of homework.

Today was a very good day.. Im not lying. Despite being exhausted and attempting to not whig out over my poor lappy... I have food in my stomach, a roof over my head, and some amazing kids that I get to talk to when i get my lappy back.

Prayers:

My dad didnt get his job back in Michigan. He is freaking out.. or atleast he is at a crossroads in life. I really want him to do what HE wants to do, not just worry about paying for me..

That my lappy will feel better tomorrow after its surgery, and that m research will still be intact on the hard drive...

That I would not be distracted from God and His Will, no matter how good the distraction is...

The more there are suffering, then, the more natural their sufferings appear. Who wants to prevent the fishes in the sea from getting wet?

And the suffering themselves share this callousness towards themselves and are lacking in kindness towards themselves. It is terrible that human beings so easily put up with existing conditions, not only with the sufferings of strangers but also with their own.

All those who have thought about the bad state of things refuse to appeal to the compassion of one group of people for another. But the compassion of the oppressed for the oppressed is indispensable.

It is the world's one hope.

Bertolt Brecht, "The World's One Hope"

Quotes from my research that I like:

Fleas dream of buying themselves a dog, and nobodies dream of escaping poverty: that one magical day good luck will suddenly rain down on them--will rain down in buckets. But good luck doesn't rain down yesterday, today, tomorrow or ever. Good luck doesn't even fall in a fine drizzle, nomatter how hard the nobodies summon it, even in their left hand is tickling, or if they begin the new day with their right foot, or start the new year with a change of brooms.

The nobodies: nobody's children, owners of nothing. The nobodies: the no ones, the nobodied, running like rabbits, dying through life, screwed every which way.

Who are not, but could be.
Who don't speak languages, but dialects.
Who don't have religions, but superstitions.
Who don't create art, but handicrafts.
Who don't have culture, but folklore.
Who are not human beings, but human resources.
Who do not have faces but arms.
Who do not have names, but numbers.
Who do not appear in the history of the world, but in the police blotter of the local paper.
The nobodies, who are not worth the bullet that kills them.
Eduardo Galeano, "the nobodies"

I love Galeano.. he writes what we feel, or desire to feel about life and living.. man.

My apologies to chance for calling it necessity.
My apologies to necessity if I'm mistaken, after all.
Please, don't be angry, happiness, that I take you as my due.
May my ded be patient with the way my memories fade.
My apologies to time for all the world I overlook each second.
Wislawa Szymborska, "under one small star"

I love that last line.

As hard as concerned Americans have had to strain to understan the Zapatista revolt and its confusing and sorrowful aftermath, we will have to work harder to understand Mexican issues in the future. Our problem is not merely the media, or our notorious inability to learn another language. It is our entire evasive and mendacious culture, which (to the enourmous profit of the megacompanies that feet it) makes our selfish decadence entertaining to us, sells us headsets that deafen us to crying injustices in our own country, and changes every real, complicated, painful struggle into a brief sensation of stars, or meteors, gloriously noble or wicked, always somehow erotically intriguing today, dead boring tomorrow. If in this culture we have to hide or fight to comprehend reality right here, we have to leave all that is familiar and comfortable to comprehend reality in Mexico.
John Womack Jr. Rebellion in Chiapas

If I define my neighbor as the one I must go out to look for, on the highways and byways, in the factories and slums, on the farms and in the mines-- then my world changes. This is what is happening with the "option for the poor" for in the gospel it is the poor person who is the neighbor par excellence...
But the poor person does not exist as an inescapable fact of destiny. His or her existences is not politically neutral, and it is not ethically innocent. The poor are a by-product of the system in which we live and for which we are responsible. They are marginalized by our social and cultural world. They are the oppressed, exploited proletariat, robbed of the fruit of their labor and despoiled of their humanity. Hence the poverty of the poor is not a call to generous relief action, but a demand that we go and build a different social order.
Gustavo Gutierrez, The Power of the Poor in History

All the men were used to their fetters, they all regarded them as an accomplished fact with which it was useless to argue. It is unlikely that anyone ever gave the matter an instant's thought, since during all those years it never even once occurred to the doctors to petition the authorities for the removal of the fetters from a convict who was seriously ill, especially in cases of tuberculosis... It may be objected by someone that a convict is a villain and so unworthy of blessings, but can it be right to aggravate the punishment of those whom the wrath of God has smitten in this way?
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The House of the Dead ( a great book! I love good ol Fyodor!)

Sitting, Waiting.

I spent the morning reading. A little Casa de los Espiritus, a little Quinta Montaña, a splash of psalms, and a healthy chunk of Pathologies of Power. My mind is boggled with stories, english and spanish. I have class in thirty minutes and Im at a loss for words. When they ask me how my trip was, Im not sure what I will say. The typical description: incredible, awesome, challenging, I learned a lot, I hate being home. But there was so much more to it. I feel like this past week has been a huge rush of emotions. The trip had so many layers to it. God was in it all. And I feel like I had already known how huge the trip was going to be before I left. What should I be telling people? The trip was life altering, paradigm shifting, worldview shattering, and it felt like home. Its interesting that I have done a lot of travelling, and this is the week that really broke it all down for me. It stripped off that last layer of apathy. I know where my heart is, and how God will be in it. My dreams are still huge, and they are growing and expanding everyday.

Another thought: I have been a nomad since birth. We have always moved a lot and I never really felt like any one place was my home. I spent the most time in Grand Haven, but we didn't stay in one house for too long. That is not a complaint, I like moving. I realized this week that my heart is in the people. God showed me that I can feel safe and at home anywhere as long as I am looking to him first. Dios me cuidara. Right now, sitting in my living room, I don't feel at home. I want to go back to Mexico, sit in the church with kids all around and talk to the mom's about how I am going to kidnap their children because they are so cute. I long to talk to pastor desi about his vision for the church, and to the others there who can see God moving in their lives. Im ready for the next move, the next phase. Im ready to put my experience to use for God's kingdom. God is ready for me to give it to him once and for all.

Some favorites:
cakey neck raspberries from 4 yr olds
Uno with cheaters
talking about music with kids
encouraging kids that God will provide
seeing the kids faces light up when they see bubbles
feeling content in sticky heat
walking dirt roads through neighborhoods without feeling nervous at all
bedsheets for doors
tamales etc.
the most content 6 mo olds Ive ever met.
family, family family

MY FAVORITE CRAZIES!

Our awesome group. Man I miss them all so much.

Coolest bus driver ever. Ill never forget riding through the border at 5am hearing BAM and then.. EETS a Leetle Theen Heere! hahaha..

Me and Mickey..slash, Brownie.. slash Tyler

Me and Russ. It was Crazyface Time.

We were singing some song for the kids.. Atleast this day the kids actually sang too. Thanks Eric for playing guitar! And my twin voice in Bethany was a blast.

Yo Tengo Gozo Gozo Gozo Gozo En Mi Corazon

Down the way from our site in Reynosa.

SO I finally figured out how to upload pics. This is us all at the restaurant in Progreso. We were showing off the Goat's Head we were about to eat. Tongue is my favorite. Ehem. I hope you enjoy.

Gracias a Dios que vivo, respiro, y que puedo tener tantas aventuras como las que he vivido.

Estaba sentado en mi casa, mirando afuera a la niebla que caía en Abilene, una cosa rara. Quería irme para dondequiera, para las montañas de suramerica, para las pampas de Argentina, una bodega mendozana, un techo de Mexico, la selva de Brazil. Quería hablar español a alquien que me pudiera entender. Pero no. En este momento tengo otras cosas para hacer. Estudiar, limpiar la casa, lavar la ropa, comer algo. Como que no puedo vivir en el momento. Como que no. Dime. Pues, no me entienden, pero espero que un día dios me inspirira de vivir en el momento. La vida no es una cosa de odiar, ni evitar. La vida es vivir, equivocar, aprender y agarrar.. Como que no.

En este día, voy a dar cuenta que tengo la oportunidad de vivir valientosamente. Que seré alguien que se puede cambiar el mundo. Una cambiadora mundial.. :)

Tal vez hoy es el día en que la cultura me cambiará, y puedo vivir la frase ... Si Se Puede!

Happy as a Bluebird, Sad as a wilted leaf

I got back from Mexico yesterday. Got home around 5 to some TBueno and a Dr Pepper. Before I went to bed I got on Facebook and was bombarded by messages from the group. I miss everyone already. I was ready to be alone for awhile, but I miss the kids. They blessed me a lot last week. I was so excited to see the fam again. They are so knit into who I am, that its hard to see them so rarely.

God really wanted me to be there. I learned a lot about myself, and who I want to be. This is what I figured out:

I am not typical. I am too trusting and too skeptical at the same time. I fall hard and quick. My heart is in Latin America, in the faces of the children, in the clipped spanish, and slurred speech of the tired mothers. My heart longs to live in a cement block home, with fourteen dirty hands tickling my sides. I have a heart for justice, but I don't speak out for it as much as I should. Who I am is enough. I don't have to feel wrong for not knowing all the ways of God. I believe Muslims are the coolest people, they have so much fire for God.

I realized this week through talking to a new friend, who I fear I may not get to see anytime soon, that I am not living out my passions. My time is wasted in my culture, and I am afraid to change that. I also realized that God is making connections for me. I met people this week who I know I will see again, and who I hope to work with soon.

This week of work with the youth group also taught me that Im not sure I will be able to work with gringos as much as I had once thought. I loved the week, but it was like two seperate experiences. The ministry to the kids, and then experiencing the culture. Seperately they were great, but that seperation was intense and almost pathetic. Maybe some day I can close the gap and find a way to bring the kids into the experience deeper and harder. You can never get too much culture.

I hope that this week was as much of a blessing to the kids as it was to me. I know many of them will throw me a cheers when I say I wasn't the best of leaders. I was rather distracted for some of the trip, but I think they agreed it was worth the time. I know that was cryptic. Deal.

For the next few weeks I am going to be preparing myself for the next phase of life. After a few tests and papers I am officially a real person. I count grad school as adulthood. This summer with my sister will be a big stretch for me.. but I gotta say I have a huge itch to travel now. It had been too long. I felt like I was home this week, and now Im gone again. So I dont know.. I may call up patty and see if she wants some help for a week in Reynosa. Just cuz I need to keep the itch alive. Who knows. I also decided that next summer before my Practicum, I am taking a trip. i dont know to where, or for what reason, but I want an adventure. I want to find some people to travel with and just go. I thought about seeing if Bethany and Abs want to join. It would be fun to keep in touch with them, and mentor them a little more. I see their hearts growing for missions, and I hope it continues. Besides, they are both nuts.

My last note is this: my new friend this week really got into my heart more than I expected. I dont know if he will ever read this, but part of me hopes he does. To Steve: you raised the bar this week. You opened my eyes to a few things I really need in my life, and the type of person I need to be with. I know we are both people who go with the flow sin planes, but I hope one day we can touch base. Your heart is in the same place as mine as far as the desire to help people, fight for justice, and be involved in a community to the extent of lack of self. I hope you can see how much you blessed me and the kids this week by being who you are. I hate that the week was so short.. I couldve spent hours sitting in silent pauses and short quips. But God knows we both have big futures ahead of us fighting for his children. I hope to travel with you again someday.. maybe you'll join us in a year for my travel adventure. Im thinking Peru.. I want to meet my Compassion sponsered kid, and see Machu Pichu, as well as just chill out with some locals for a good long while..

I hope you guys are doing well, and that this didnt kill anyone. I love you dearly.. I am grateful for those of you who have seen me grow, and can be a part of that experience. Pray for me as my life takes a turn towards service and freedom in love.

Blessings..

Prayers:
Summer of ministry, family, getting a job that is worthwhile, loving on my sis and her kids.
My dad wants to start teaching..
Steve.. that God would guide his steps for the next season of his big future
Abs and Bethany, That they would continue with their hearts for service and ministry.
My roommates, i will be moving out soon, I want someone amazing to take my place in the house
That my heart would heal from investing and then losing.. why am I so trusting?