Things I want to do:

1.) Develop a program for youth that explores how social identity, faith identity and social justice are so tightly interwoven.

2.) Get out of the states for a few months to just explore life, explore humanity, and love it.

3.) Break bad habits, learn new ones. Learn a useful skill. and teach one too.

4.) Dedicate more time to the youth who have change my life more than I have theirs.

5.) Stay up all night under the stars, see a sunrise, see the deer in the woods and just feel it all.

6.) Organize my life and keep it that way. My room is always counterproductively messy.

7.) Dedicate my energy to a project and stay energized.

8.) Go out on a limb for my practicum, find something daring and adventurous.

9.) Write in Colbert on the presidential docket.

10.) Drink máte. Right now.

Hmmm..

A) I think I am saved from the wrath of my misspellings. I sent a confirmation email to Reg at World Vision with a corrected attachment. A few hours later I got an email from a lady who works with the West Virginia/Appalachia programs saying she was sending it in to HR. So hopefully that means that he just remembered and sent the new version. Does that sound logical?


B) I have a big presentation on Classism on Friday for Social Identity. My "part" of the research was on Cuba but I sort of slacked off. I got distracted by other things and pretty much just gave up. It was difficult to find an array of information on Cuba let alone recent research on its class structure post the legalization of the dollar. Anyway. I volunteered to be more involved with the activity facilitation and discussion plus put together the powerpoint. I feel better about it but I still sort of feel myself slacking. On a lighter note I finished my ICC paper in record time with good confidence that I will pass, and we had our last class period today (it is only two credits so only 8 weeks of class) SO that is one full day during the week that I will have free to catch up on all my other stuff.


C) I started reading Everything Must Change by Brian Mclaren. I had heard of his books and Steve just finished the trilogy (New Kind of Christian etc). He always intrigued me. I have heard him quoted in a lot of the sermons that really resonate with me so I was excited to dig in. I really like it so far. It is doing a great job of ripping apart the institution and historically horrible track record of Christianity in exchange for a faith that is actually focused on Jesus' goals, actions and most importantly hopes. It feels good to read a book that resonates with my heart at this moment. I feel like the weight of Christianity's horrible past has been on my shoulders a little bit at this school and I'm ready to give it UP. I can't blame people for judging the failure of christianity. I can't blamed them for feeling judged by it. I can show them that I love them. I had a realization about this very fact the other day. I said something using the word hate to my dad.. not at him just in conversation. He said, you know I have never heard you say that about someone before. As he said that I realized I didn't even mean it. There are a few people in my life I feel like I should be allowed to hate. But I still don't when I think about it deep deep down. Sometimes I feel like my dad's 77x7 times of forgiveness is about to run up, but it never does.

One thought: part of it goes all the way back to freshman year in highschool. The one person in the world that I have ever truly hated, and felt it, was Ryan Lyles. I remember the night I felt confident enough to say that phrase, "I hate him" coming up from a belly full of anger, hurt, and to pull from class 'internalized oppression. As I said it the many scenes of my worst years flashed through my head. In the midst of my family falling apart he used me as a pinata for his cruelest tricks. Now I know that it wasn't always him, and that at one time we might have been friends, or friends of friends at least. I think he was just the face that I focused it all on. I assumed he was the pack leader. I remember the taunts, the ridicule, the abuse, the depression, the longing to be accepted, the acceptance it would never happen. I remember consoling myself by hanging out with other people, yet knowing that I was being betrayed by my former friends with every step. Beautifully, in the midst of this a friend pulled me to youth group and God sort of plucked me out of that oppression, gave me hope and a cause. He gave me responsibility, leadership, and most importantly empowerment. Despite that, my freshman year I still remember harboring that hatred. The anger that all boiled into this one sack of hideous flesh. I remember being at the football game, it was dark, it was noisy. He passed and grimaced at me while doing so. I remember saying out loud : I HATE HIM. Later that night he and three of his friends stole a car and crashed into a tree, all four dying within minutes.

Now that is a long story merely to say that I don't think I have ever felt that hatred towards another human being again. Maybe it is because I have been empowered out of that internalized oppression, maybe because my heart healed in forgiveness, though a little to late. Possibly it was due to just never going through hell again like I did those few horrible years, praise God. All I know is that it is amazing to me that I can realize that I really don't hate anyone. It is odd alone that that is a surprise, but also a relief.

Now that I know I don't hate anyone, where do I go next. Can one not hate, but still not love? I feel like deep down I love everyone. I love you for instance, it doesn't matter who you are. God created you, God gave you life, and that is amazing to me. So whoever you are know that I love you. But that is not the question of the day. Love should be a verb should it not? So even if that layer of sentiment exists, where does action then come into play? How can I love my fellow human beings, on a personal and even individual way? I think Jesus had the answers. I think I'm gonna keep searching that out.

Sorry for the unintended ramble, but I guess I'm not really here to entertain you (i still love you!) so whatever. The point of today is to say I want to start exploring more. Venturing out with humanity in tow. Understanding more of my place within humanity and how I can make a difference within that world.

Blew my chances :)

So much for working at World Vision. hahah.. so I was checking something the other day and I realized World Vision is not Worldvision. So throughout that splendidly crappy cover letter.. I spelled the name of the organization wrong. Thats what the internet does to you. Blast www.worldvision.com for ruining me. haha.. woops.

WORLD VISION!

So yesterday morning I emailed Lisa Sickler. She was one of the women we worked with in Reynosa when I went with youth group through World Servants. I emailed her to sort of spark her memory of me and see if she had any leads on places I could talk to about possible practicums or jobs. She emailed me back saying she would talk to her dad, who works at World Vision, and I would hear from him in about a week. So he emails me two hours later asking for my "letter of introduction" aka my cover letter. Panicking I called the PDRC and asked if there was any way I could meet with them, there just happened to be a cover letter workshop last night. SO I went to the cover letter workshop and learned all there is to learn about cover letters. I went home and called dad. He had some great encouragement and advice. So last night and this morning I tried my hardest to write a kickass coverletter. I think it was only kickbutt but it will function. I had issues because the organization is faith-based yet still very professional. This tension brings in different aspects of what they want to hear. They want to know I'll be a good example, that I have a faith in line with their own, and also that I am competent, experienced and interculturally savvy. So it was a rather long cover letter.. but not over one page as I was strictly instructed. I feel like I narrated more than I should but I already emailed it to him so lets cross our fingers.. and by that I mean pray.

The good thing is that I know God is so much bigger than networking. I trust him to make the right connections and he will impassion the right people to hire me. My hope is to be getting a hundred phone calls a day asking for me to work for THEM. hahah.. doubtful.. and scary.

The best thing about this scenario is that I know Lisa and Pattie.. and Lisa is way dependable. Ehem. So if all else fails and I can't find anything else to do.. I can always fall back on them to hook me up with something through World Servants. Ah well. I have higher hopes than that.

Halloween with Twiggy and Audrey

Hungry.

A great day.

Today was a good day all around. I blame phil for giving me some hope yesterday.

Got a message from Jon Striker today. What a guy. I haven't talked to him in so long, it was great to hear he is alive and well. Another one off the market :)

So I bought Ghost Peeps yesterday. that made me smile.. but they have these eyes that are made out of weirdness and that part isn't tasty at all.

Im so proud of myself for drinking a lot of water again. I am regaining a little energy that was much needed.

I played with my camera for awhile today.. self portraits and the like. trying to get used to the lighting issues, flashes, etc. I hate not being familiar with a camera.. you never know what is best for each camera.. unfortunately the flash on my camera is SO bright that self portraits with flashes make you look white as a ghost.. ill have to figure that one out.. any suggestions?

I haven't heard anything from the bank about my free ipod.. i hope they follow through or i will be sad. I am in NEED.. not need really.. but id like something to help me escape the chaos of campus and be able to just go walk in my own little world.

I ate a kiwi today and thought of phil :P

Today in training design, katy and i had to demonstrate an experiential learning technique. We wanted to be crafty so we did "construction" we had the students get into pairs, discuss different roles they play in society, and then using everything from paper to feathers create a hat that represents this role. It was pretty funny and katy and i got to make little "buddies" out of pipe cleaners. here they are:

Complete by Stephen Speaks

If i lay my voice
down at Your feet
would you still hear
my song echoing
i might end this game
of hide and seek
because in You

i am complete
oh in You
i am complete

all the voices i hear in my sleep
all the sins of my past echoing
to stay off my knees
and on my feet

oh but they,
they can't complete
cause in You i am complete

Katydid!

So kathryn answered her phone and I officially have a bed to rest in in Michigan. I'm sure I could crash at my brothers but I haven't talked to him in ages.. so I should take care of that before using him for a couch.

I still have a lot of reading.. and I accidentally slept in again. i need to stop doing that. oh well a few hours before class still ill be fine...

All of my reading last night was history related..

One book Eight Eurocentric Historians was a critique on the main schools of thought regarding the european rise to capitalism and their supposed superiority. So far I have gotten through the chapters on Weber, White and Brenner. Its pretty interesting. Actually its almost sad in a way that these historians can so easily be deconstructed and discreditied. I should probably learn the author of the books name, since I now believe he's on a roll.


I am also reading A Different Mirror, which is a survey of US history through the eyes of the minorities and immigrants. It is pretty interesting so far. I like the style of writing. It reminds me of A Peoples History, but its a little different.

We read a lot of excerpts from The Mismeasure of Man, which is utterly fascinating
The Roots of Racism a speech by Fidel Castro

Id love to read more Howard Zinn, W.E.B. Dubois

On a lighter note..

Last night was a relaxing movie night in Janeway. Today is work til you drop day.... I have a lot more reading to do than I convinced myself of. SO ill be getting on that soon enough..

I am excited for Halloween, and then stoked for Thanksgiving. Kathryn needs to answer her phone :(

An email a friend recieved:

(email from a friend:) We just got phone call with our sister living
in Yangon about a few hours ago. (name withheld for privacy; this is
a credible source who was speaking with an American who is living in
Burma--the following is info from that phone call)

We saw on BBC world, saying that 200 monks were arrested. The true
picture is far worse!!!!!!!!!

For one instance, the monastery at an obscure neighborhood of Yangon,
called Ngwe Kyar Yan (on Wei-za-yan-tar Road, Yangon) had been raided
early this morning.

A troop of lone-tein (riot police comprised of paid thugs) protected
by the military trucks, raided the monastery with 200 studying monks.
They systematically ordered all the monks to line up and banged and
crushed each one's head against the brick wall of the monastery. One
by one, the peaceful, non resisting monks, fell to the ground,
screaming in pain. Then, they tore off the red robes and threw them
all in the military trucks (like rice bags) and took the bodies away.

The head monk of the monastery, was tied up in the middle of the
monastery, tortured, bludgeoned, and later died the same day, today.
Tens of thousands of people gathered outside the monastery, warded
off by troops with bayoneted rifles, unable to help their helpless
monks being slaughtered inside the monastery. Their every try to
forge ahead was met with the bayonets.

When all is done, only 10 out of 200 remained alive, hiding in the
monastery. Blood stained everywhere on the walls and floors of the
monastery.

Please tell your audience of the full extent of the fate of the monks
please please !!!!!!!!!!!!

'Arrested' is not enough expression. They have been bludgeoned to
death!!!!!!

Another day shot...

So today wouldve been my day to get all my work done. why you ask? because I had a morning class and I wouldve had all afternoon and evening set aside for studying/writing etc. Well that was shot at 4am this morning when I awoke from my own death. Yes.. thats right.. people can die in their dreams. My mom and I died in a car accident in my dream last night. This is the second time I have died in my dreams. The first time was with jenni shepherd in high school about a month after 9/11. We both had the same dream that our school blew up and we and our friends who were with us died. I woke up with this buzzing feeling and the visual of floating above and seeing everything that was going on, but still feeling a peace. Much like what I would assume going to heaven might feel like.. or the intermediary part of that.

Unfortunately last nights dream was worse. Once the car crashed instead of zipping out of body and watching from above I felt hot. Not like skin crackling fire hot, more like internal body heat, fever kind of heat. On top of that I wanted to cry out, to have a feeling, sadness anger, fear but I couldn't it was this flat horrible apathy that I couldn't break out of. I couldn't speak, I couldn't hear anything but my own thoughts about how I wish I could talk with God, reach out to him and have him be there like he always is. Part of me realized that I do take that for granted. When I pray I do feel like someone is there recieving it, it isn't just going out into nothingness. This part of the dream if felt like I was in an everything proof box.. (not to be confused with a coffin.. but more of a metaphorical box). Like no matter what I said or felt, all my energies remained with me, all my feeling, all my lack of feeling.

A few things I realized about myself:

I hate my own apathy and lack of emotion. I have always struggled with passionately praying for the things that mean the most. It is rare that I have pleaded for anything. There are only a few people in the world who I have wrestled with God over. I think my experiences with the charismatic in high school have given me this fear. The fear that emotion is taking over the grounding in Truth. I saw people get swallowed up in the physical and spiritual experience without grounding it in the Truth, the Word, and the foundation needed to sustain life with this power. I need to reclaim that balance. I don't want to be apathetic. I despise apathy because I think it kills the soul. I want to feel the anger and fear and pain and joy and excitement of faith.

I am scared my mom will just give up. In my dream she let go of the wheel, and even though she was completely at peace with it (and I don't think the fact I was dying with her had anything to do with it.. I don't think it was her "bringing me down" too or anything) it still angered me a little. I will admit i was jealous of the peace I saw on her face, and I don't know if my mom has found that peace, but I do know that I hope she doesn't just give up. I love you mom. Don't give up. I know you are a fighter.. and I also know you are probably tired.

Funny enough part of the dream had something to do with worship. I love to sing, and I love to go to worship services where it is loud with great music and lots of excited people because I can "jam out" and sing my heart out without worrying about following the words. It can just bubble out of me in whatever way my voice feels in can contribute to the chorus. Sometimes my singing worship can be very heartfelt, but other times I just show off to myself. I love singing Jennifer Knapp etc because it is fun to sing. I think I need to start paying more attention to the words.

Lastly and related: I was singing the tune of JKnapps song His Grace is Sufficient, but I kept adding in that His Grace is Addictive too. Ill leave that one to simmer..

Luckily I journaled right after my dream and thank you to the many who walked me through my morning. I was so tired at lunch after not being able to sleep post death that I slept all afternoon and only just finished my dinner ready to get to work. that is 6 whole hours of study time lost. hopefully Ill have the energy to stay up and work.. but thank you to Brooke, Daniel, Steve and my Mom for talking to me. i don't think my prof noticed me texting in class.. i hope not. I barely spoke to anyone this morning and everyone knew something was wrong but i just couldn't digest it all. I can't explain how real this dream was.

DONT TRY IT ITS NOT FUN

Today was a weird day. Just weird. Didn't get a whole lot of work done, disc was poor, and awkwardness with people was at an all time high. oh well. I helped put together cici's shelf. And I got free pizza, and i talked to my mom.. which was happy.


prayer has helped me today. I am trying to come "home" a little bit more each day, and I can feel the stress rolling off my shoulder. He really will carry your burdens if you invite him in. I think everyone should try it at some point in their life, God will come through.

So...

This is what I am thinking..........


I think I am going to drive to Michigan for Thanksgiving. I am pretty sure it is only about 12 hours.. if I drive through Canada... I need some time to just relax and think.. Flying is so stressful sometimes.. That way I can do thanksgiving with my dad/fam, and then head to grand haven for a few days and see people.. I am sad I won't get to see shyle and nate, or lydia and scott, everyone moved! but Ill get to see a lot of other people I am craving hugs from.. so that will be nice.

Pray for me this week as I struggle to get work done.. and to work through a lot of conflicting emotions.

Well last night was the party in Keene. It was a blast. Craziness, drama, and some awesome people. We had a pretty great time so thanks to the boys for letting us join in on some new england good times. Now I need to get to the grindstone and church out some reading and papers. If I get enough done today Ill be heading to the Salsa Party tonight ... if not.. its ok.. Ill have disc tomorrow to use as a catharsis.

Last night brought up the same old emotions once again. I gotta figure out what I want pretty quick here or Im just going to destroy myself emotionally with the games. Im obviously being vague if you couldn't tell.. but there is some reality to the statements. I just have some decisions to make...

I miss you brooke.. I miss our talks. call me.

Whoops to Facebook.

I forgot these post automatically to facebook.. hehe.. sorry for the "cursing". Its a good thing I don't gossip.. too much. Cuz that would've been awkward.

Man it is a nice and comfortable 10:30.. I had four alarms go off this morning to wake me up. Why is it that the one morning I decide to sleep in (til 10) I have a zillion alarms go off, but the one day I have to be somewhere at 8:30am, they all fail. I guess thats just one of those things God lets happen to "humble" you.. hahaha...

Well this afternoon I have Training Design for Experiential Learning... aka TDEL .. gotta love the acronyms. It seems like it is going to be one of those "practical" classes rather than the discussion/deconstructive classes. So it will be more of a relief than anything. They told me going into Social Justice as a concentration that it was intense emotionally as well as academically.. I believe them. My heart and mind are TIRED. Deconstructing yourself day after day is tough. but soooo good.

Shit. Its October.

Well one month has passed in beautiful Vermont.

Today was an eventful day. ICC-Deaf Culture was super intense today. Shyle I will always think of you when working with sign language. Today's class was focused on deconstructing our self and bias and issues. It was very heavy, very hard but very educational. After class I drove to Keene to deposit my check at bank of america, and took the time to relax and really enjoy being myself. I ate a quesadilla at the local mexican burrito joint, did a tiny bit of journaling and enjoyed the good weather. Its like a vacation driving just 30 minutes away. You drive through the mountains where all the leaves are changing, up and around winding through the hills until you reach a town where no one knows you. I mean I know the guys but there was such a slim chance to see them.

I decided to drop Mandarin. I just feel like I need a time during the day a few times a week where I can journal, pray, think, whatever.. this place is so intense emotionally.. I feel like Ill need the time to release.

Well a slight update..

Church on sunday was aight. Nothing too grand. I will move on to the next one.. Got my response to the MLK Jr. Letter from a Birmingham jail written about 15 minutes before due.. good work phyl.. ugh.


I am frustrated about Burma. I want to do something... I know that they are doing a wear red day on campuses on Friday.. I feel like SIT should be a part of that. We have students from burma.. but even if we didnt .. seriously.

People are getting excited for the Keene party. I am. Woot.

Frisbee was fun yesterday.. but I jammed my finger and slightly sprained my ankle. BOO.

I am very tired.

It was a good night out tonight. My date with dave went well, had a lot of fun. Saw "Good Luck Chuck" which was funny if you can get past the extreme sex montages and nudity. If you can't, don't go see it. I think I would've liked it had it been less overt. We did up the minigolf.. there was a hole called "the deep dark hole" and your ball goes in the "cup" but it goes like deep and you cant see it. You have to reach into the hole to get it out. Dave was brave and let his go in first.. but at this point we didn't know they had it rigged so that every couple 'balls' a hand smacks around in the hole to freak you out. We asked later.. but I didn't even try it. I just moved on. My fear of garbage disposals held me back. dinner was good.. paninis at this place in keene called fritz's fries. Then the movie and after we went to this bar called 21 for a beer and I got this pomegranate martini that has already given me a headache an our later. it tasted good but still. Andrew cunningham was there. It was cool.... these guys are a lot of fun.. real chill to hang with. Made for a good relaxing weekend.

Tomorrow I go to church with Kiera, do some homework then off to frisbee and finishing up of the homework.

Good times..

Ive written about this before.. but I have been hanging out with this cool group of folks from Keene.. yup that includes you Andrew "Keene" Metell... I chilled out with him/them last night for a few hours and had a really good time. Its nice finding people you can just enjoy spending time with.. no strings, expectations or requirements (aka alcohol or "the best night ever"). I am still a little sick and it was nice to chill out, walk around, snag a slice, watch a good movie and just relax. I am also grateful for tea. mmm.. that was good.

Today began a little later than desired but so far the morning has been quite relaxing. A little studying, some cleaning, stretching, munching. Real chill. This evening Dave and I are going out to play some mini-golf then off on some adventure I am unaware of but thoroughly excited for. Seems like a cool dude with his head on straight. I get a kick out of grounded creativity so we'll see how it goes.

Tomorrow morning Kiera and I are checking out a church together. She seems like she is in the same place I am as far as what we are looking for in a church so it should be fun to get to know her and try and find a place in the area. I crave fellowship and community. I know the point of SIT is to welcome diversity and thrive on the culture of differences, but I need some support. I am stressing out quickly and I need to get my mind and faith back in line a little. It has been awhile since I have just let it all go. I'm grateful His yoke is easy, and burden light, cuz I need to rest a little.

Dad is stressing me out. I'm going to just lay that out there. His solutions for my life are so frustrating, because they feel so contrary to who I am. I don't feel like he even begins to understand who I am and what I want for my life. Being here and learning about the different values frameworks has allowed me to be more patient, however it also brings to light the fact that he may never understand what is important to me because our basic values differ so strongly. I wonder how long it will take us to come to a point where it settles. He feels like I ignore everything he says, or purposefully goes the opposite direction. In some point I see that as true, not because what he says is bad inherently since it comes from him, but because our values are so different. The things he holds most dear are the things that mean the least to me. I don't need a successful lucrative job to take care of myself, be proud of myself and especially not to be happy. If thats what it takes to make him proud, than I'm sorry but that may never happen. I feel bad, but my happiness isn't going to come from making him proud, but rather what makes me respect myself. My joy comes in working hands on in the world, making change and doing what I can to improve the world one life at a time. If I do end up making a good amount of money, the majority of it will be spent allowing me to share that wealth, pay for travel, and not to gain respect or title. I would be content to get a job at barnes and noble, and work with the youth group as an intern/assistant. That work is enough for me. I hope that I can find a way to do something I love full time, but it is more important that I do what I love than to do something I hate and live "easily". My big dream, that I have stated here a few times, will probably leave me dirt poor for many many years. I will probably end up in debt for awhile. I guess part of me craves the challenge of it all. thats not the only reason, just a tiny portion.

Besides all that the only way it will be pulled off is if God is behind it. I am trying to get back to a point where I feel like I am trusting God with my education, future, family etc. I thnk I have been mad at God a little this summer. After Colorado, I struggled coming to him with Stuff.. I feel it in my attitude towards life. I don't like that.



Mom.. you sound like you are doing pretty good. I am happy.. i miss talking to you all the time. Ill try and call more often. I don't know how to pray for you any more. I do my best. I love you, I miss you, and you are on my heart. Be strong. I am so proud of you, what a great strong woman you are!

sniffle. cough. sniffle. i hab a cohld.

sad.

address.. i heart care packages.

Phyllis Chill
School for International Training
P.O. 676
Kipling Rd
Brattleboro, VT 05302



Send me stuff :P

First paper submitted. First Class attended. First night of intense reading? just beginning.

Studious

I am approximately 15 minutes away from finishing and submitting my very first grad school paper. WOOT. slash.. im tired already.

On another note it was a great weekend. Spent friday doing nothing but sleeping and sitting in my room. My first night off from the craziness of class/going downtown/bonfires/roommate goodness/bridging the gap/team time/frisbee/ lawn camping/ and the list continues. I have had a lot of fun these first few weeks but I have learned a lot too. We all made fun of Organizational Behavior 1 (OB1) but despite its "obvious" and "simple" ideas, it was very interesting. We worked in a team of 5 students doing different tasks and eventually putting together a presentation and a team paper. My team was pretty great and we struggled to put our newfound education to task. It was a great class in teaching us how to be "aware of the process", another phrase we sort of joked about, meanwhile truly appreciating the information. But now the class is over, I have an 8 pg paper due tomorrow.. but I should be done here in a few. All I have left is formatting, bib page, and submission. Good times.

Tomorrow begins Fall II. My first class tomorrow is Theory and Practice of Social Justice in Intercultural Language aka TPIR. We are all about the acronyms up here. that doesnt start til after lunch so Ill be able to get some of my readings done in the morning. Assuming I go to bed early enough I won't sleep til lunch.

I played Frisbee in Keene today. Man it feels good to have something solid to look forward to outside of classwork. It was a great work out and it was good to see the guys. I joke about my talents as a "bridger". I have been trying to get to know people that go to the other schools in the area. Our school is so tiny and we have all realized and heard from alums that it only gets smaller and smaller as we spend every waking moment together. So I am doing my best to help us out. hahaha.. Right Andrew? hahah... I will throw it out there that we are also trying to up our male-female ratio. Its about 70% female here at SIT, and we are feelin it already.

Anyway. peace out to all. Ill let you know how courses go this week.

JW's

Ringin in the Good Times.

So here in Vermont I am living in Janeway dorm with a crew of women who rock my face off. So far we are a nice mix of personalities and it will be a blast of a semester. We are becoming well known for our fun spirit and always willing to have a good time whether it be a smashing game of Catchphrase or a night out on the town. So Word up to My Janeway Ladies. (Front L to R: Jennifer, Allison, Laura, Namiko, Jill. Back L to R: CeCe, Phyllis Katy. We are missing Caitlin and Akiko in this picture. We love them too!!!)

J DUBS!!!! (flash of gang symbol)

This is us all out at Friendly's for Jill's Birthday. Ya Laura definitely had some wicked spooning talent ;) Everyone was staring .. we liked it. Other casualties included Caitlin's oreo soup and Allison's suicidal ice cream cone. All in all a great celebration!

Me and Garret (sp?) at Moles Eye on Ladies/Salsa night. He is 21 years and 362 days old

Some more SIT kids at Mole's Eye

A few pics of SIT. more to come

First class is going well... pretty busy. They leave us a good amount of time to chill out with people on campus. Which is where Im off to.. but I will update more tomorrow about the actual course etc.

and once it stops raining.. ill take pictures....

Dad Time

Had an interesting weekend with dad. It was a good time for most of the weekend, i minor bout about the same old shit, but overall a good time. Got a new digital camera, and a few other things so that is exciting.

I am going to Keene,NH today to go play some disc with some people I met downtown/on campus. Should be fun, hopefully I won't be abducted or anything.

Yes Brattleboro is exit 1-3 in Vermont.. haha..

Just the beginning of gorgeous views to come.


OH YES. It says Moose Crossing.
You should be smiling now.

So here I am in Beautiful Vermont. This campus is rediculous.. I don't have any pics yet, but Ill be getting a camera this weekend so the snapping will begin. It is hard to sit around and not just gasp at the nature surrounding. Besides that this campus is amazing in its diversity of students. We are all global citizens and travellers so it is super easy to get to know people. I am hoping to get to know Brattleboro a little more before classes start up but we got to see a little last night.

I took my spanish placement test today, hopefully Ill do french at some point this week though I dont plan on taking that as my language. Because I will probably fulfill my language requirement with Spanish, I am planning on taking Mandarin during the language courses. They aren't a load on top of other courses, it is free, and they are supposed to be great profs/courses to learn language. So it should be fun.

I am excited for Dad to come out to the campus this weekend and see it. He's going to be blown away.

Mixed Emotions

So tomorrow is the big day. Here's my plan.

6:30am: Wake up, shower, pack up remnants of my crap in jessie's room.
8:00am: Leave for VT via: 95N-287E-95N-91N... pretty simple.. plus no dealing with NYC.
1-3pm: Arrive in Brattleboro. Hopefully sooner than later... preferably with a pitstop at this mall on the way to see if they have a better winter clothes selection up in that area (Holyoke, MA).
5pm: settled in dorm, dinner and off to hang with already made new friends. There is some sort of a social that night after our dorm meeting.. but we'll see. Maybe some peeps will hit the town. Then again it will be Labor Day.. so it may be a ghost town. I bet walmart will be open across the river!! haha. Or maybe they will have a WAWA!!!!

For now, I am drying freshly dyed hair, watching heroes, and relaxing in an empty house.

Emotions rolling through me:

Nerves, anxiousness, excitement, disappointment, fear, hope, "feelings", frustration, gratefulness, sadness, impatience, unrest, uncomfort.

Thoughts:

Ive done this before, no biggie
Oh shit this is the big one.
I wish, if only, oh well, what now, whatever.
God be with me.
I love family.
God is good.
I wish I knew the next step.
Am I ready?.. of course!.. well.. maybe
I want a hug, a kiss, a pat on the back, and an I love you.

These are the days when my desire for a serious relationship really hit me. God I wish I had a partner in life. Thats all I want. Someone to walk with me through the hard stuff, say you'll be fine, and also say I know you're scared, I can see it in you. I know you well enough to see it. Shit I wish I had someone near who could see how petrified and nervous I am. How did I do this last time? How did I go to undergrad so far away, with no fears whatsoever? Was I running? Part of me thinks four years seemed so long of a time that I didn't consider the end in sight. For me four years in one place meant having a home. I am serious about wishing I had someone.. I feel like if Steve was around he would be a comfort.. he's heard me whine and freak all summer long. But no he has to live a bejillion miles away.. sometimes I think long distance friends are useless. Almost as useless as long distance boyfriends. Almost. But if I didnt have long distance friends.. I would never have any friends. Cuz the people I am closest to always tend to live a few states away when I need them.

SHIT. Im scared. Im pumped as well. But Im nervous I am going to hate it, or suck, or hate the people, or get intimidated and hide in my little shell or something. SHIT.

Only a Few More Days..

I leave Monday morning. Setting off into the wild blue.. hahah.. My car is half packed, I finally found a printer today... I feel like I am finally ready to go. Like that is all I need to be ready to completely change my life.. again. I was talking to someone yesterday and telling them that I wasn't really nervous about the move.. nervous about school hell yeah, but the moving to a new city, a new state, new school... nah.. thats old hat. I Google Earthed the city of Brattleboro and laughed for like ten minutes. One word: Tiny. It should be an experience. Atleast it should be filled with tons of hippies and people who travel. WOOOOOOOOT!

Full Moons Suck Crack.

So I hate full moons.. I really do.. I mean they may be pretty, and make nighttime Ultimate worthwhile.. but still weird shit ALWAYS happens on full moons.

Tonights Full Moon Extravaganza:

*Got called in early to work, to find out I was closing alone. The not-cafe-trained manager helped ring customers, while the new kid made fraps because he wasn't even drink trained. I trained him tonight. He could only work til 10 cuz he has school tomorrow. So I attempted to close the whole damn cafe while new kid made fraps and shitty lattes and the manager fumbled through Xcodes to ring up orders. I did however get the place relatively clean and closed by 1130.. which is pretty impressive.

*Meanwhile the manager gets called to the book floor because the head cashier's appendix burst, a lady got "exposed to" by a man in the periodicals section, a woman got kicked out for almost shoplifting, two high schoolers were playing hide and seek and one screamed bloody murder and got kicked out. Also EVERYthing started breaking.. we were down to one grill, espresso machine, blender, even the tongs were broken at one point. The dishwasher broke, then started fixing and the pepsi exploded at one point.

* After all of that, this bookseller I work with asked for my number.. so that made my night. he seems like a pretty cool guy. Goes to Union in Albany, so it'll be nice to have a friend in the are when I go to school.

*Dad got a second interview, which means I am driving myself to grad school. Im ok with this, I am super pumped for his interview stuff.

*I got a phone call from Sara midshift saying she left the house realizing it was locked and I had no key, so I had to drive to Amber's work... sort of an over the river and through the woods type of drive.... I just got home, it is 2am.

*I saw three possums, 2 dear, a cat, a dog and a billion bats on my drive home tonight.


Tonight sucks. For more than just those reasons. I am emotionally going bonkers right now due to feeling anxious, excited,, nervous, unprepared, torn, tied, happy, ill content, and much much more.

....

Spent the day with my niece and nephew.. most of the time was spent at Target. They were helping me find some stuff for school. Just organizational stuff that I tossed like bins, laundry baskets etc. I am sort of excited to move in and be able to make a new place my own. Ill appreciate living in my own room again. And not having to clean my own bathroom.. cuz itll be community.

Albert and I are going to have fun with tie dye tomorrow. Should be fun.

This is my third attempt at posting in three days. I just haven't been able to decide on something worth sharing with the world.

I packed up some stuff yesterday, came upon some old memories and trinkets. I feel like it is about time for me to say "my how the time has passed". Looking at things from high school, back through to middle school. Thinking about the first trips I went on, stuff from freshman year in college. It is strange.

I am so excited/anxious/ nervous/ stressed about school and it is leaking into the rest of my life. Poor steve had to put up with my freak out the other night. I think I took out my panic attack on him. I will say atleast having an idea what classes Ill be taking has helped a little. I get to see my dad in a few weeks too. Which is kind of exciting. I also decided on my concentration.. i think:

Intercultural and Social Activism Training

This concentration offers students an opportunity to focus on training as the primary medium for change. Ethics, intercultural effectiveness, and design will ground the training work within the context of social justice while also encouraging students to pursue areas of personal and professional interests. These courses provide both a foundational and advanced knowledge base as well as relevant skill building for those wanting to do intercultural and/or social action training. The depth of focus in intercultural training and activism design helps to distinguish this concentration from the Community Development and Social Action concentration.

Anyway.. I am trying to calm myself a little today. Hopefully work will help a little bit.. tomorrow.

Gestures..

Got into a pretty interesting conversation with someone today about gestures.. that people make to communicate something. Not like hand gestures, but more meaning gifts, acts of kindness, surprises etc. I think someone had given her flowers and so we were talking about that. This is my conclusion..

Flowers are a waste.. I mean they die. But I would still buckle if I got them. Roses are cliche, but I would love them. I hate people who dry their flowers.. but i would too. because they die and then they are useless. All to say.. the gesture of the flowers is important I just wish it would last. Second.

Chocolates are crap. I hate chocolates.. I am against not knowing what kind it is. I would prefer a bag of Hershey's kisses. No buts. I'm serious.

Jewelry is a waste of money, real diamonds are dangerous and can often be "bloody". I'm ok with something that sparkles even if its a fakey. Id rather know blood wasn't spilled over it and that I can lose it and still be able to eat for a week. I'm not a jewelry person anyway.. so really theres only one piece of serious jewelry I ever intend to own.. which is good cuz I'm clumsy. and irresponsible. and poor. Give me a trip to peru and a cheap piece of fake shiny rock and I'm way better off.

I love hugs. especially surprise ones.. Shyle gives the best surprise hugs, and katie. Boys don't surprise hug enough. They should work on that.

There is something about hearing someone say you are beautiful that helps you believe it. Not the "hey? what do you mean? You are hot!" crap. Ya girls like to hear that every once in a while but there is so much more to hearing you are beautiful. From friends, boys, dads, moms whatever. Beauty is so much deeper and touches so much more.

Being able to do a whole lot of nothing with someone is just as important as being busy and having a thousand plans. However.. being led through a planned surprise date can be so exhilarating.. it shows effort, service, care. Kudos to you boys who put on these perfect dates. We don't need it all the time, every time. But man we love it!


There's more that we chatted about but these were the basics.. I'm very tired after a shift so busy, so I am going to bed soon.

Got some of my reading done yesterday.. I need to go work on it some more.. the textbook is ok.. pretty basic stuff so far, talking about cultures and how they interrelate in organizations. We'll see how it goes.. I am getting nervous for school again. I hope it isn't too rigorous for me. What if I end up failing? I dont know what Ill do. I just dont. I am pretty confident I won't but it is strange to realize I have never failed at anything... big anyway. I don't know how I would react if I just wasn't competent enough for the program... I doubt my own strength in being able to handle it. Hopefully it wont get that far :)

on another note if i pass Ill be in the big kids world getting real jobs and doing some real work. I am excited for that.. but part of me longs to skip town and travel for a few years. Unfortunately I don't have any money of my own. so thats sort of out the window anyway.

Family

Amber and I went to the Well today.. it had been a while since I had been to church due to trips and stuff. It reminded me what a great community that is.. i hope my sister stays plugged in I think there are some great people there to connect with. Makes me miss being a part of a church family. I think that's why I got so homesick for grand haven last time I was in the area. I just missed community in general.

I realized I need to start thinking about getting packed up for school I leave in about two weeks!!! craziness!


I am reading A Pedagogy of Hope by Freire and I am loving it. The guy is an artist with words and finds ways to articulate concepts that I never would've dreamed of. My favorite passage so far:

Hope is an ontological need. Hopelessness is but hope that has lost its bearings, and become a distortion of that ontological need. When it becomes a program, hopelessness paralyzes us, immobilizes us. We succumb to fatalism, and then it becomes impossible to muster the strength we absolutely need for a fierce struggle that will re-create the world.

I am hopeful, not out of mere stubbornness, but out of an existential concrete imperative.

I do not mean that, because I am hopeful, I attribute to this hope of mine the power to transform reality all by itself, so that I set out for the fray without taking account of concrete, material data, declaring "My hope is enough!" No, my hope is necessary, but it is not enough. Alone, it does not win. But without it, my struggle will be weak and wobbly. We need critical hope the way a fish needs unpolluted water.

The idea that hope alone will transform the world, and action undertaken in that kind of naivete, is an excellent route to hopelessness, pessimism, and fatalism. But to attempt to do without hope, in the struggle to improve the world, as if that struggle could be reduced to calculated acts alone, or a purely scientific approach, is frivolous illusion. To attempt to do without hope, which is based on the need for truth as an ethical quality of the struggle is tantamount to denying that struggle is one of its mainstays. The essential thing... is this: hope as an ontological need, demands an anchoring in practice.As an ontological need, hope needs practice in order to become historical concreteness. That is why there is no hope in sheer hopefulness. The hoped-for is not attained by dint of raw hoping. Just to hope is to hope in vain.

Family coming home

So.. My family comes home today. I am very happy about that fact. I miss the noise.. I like to be alone sometimes.. but after awhile it gets pretty old. I went shopping just for some human contact. I did get a good interview outfit for like 50 bucks.. some new tongue posts.. and the toiletries I needed. So that was good. Yesterday i went through office supply, target, staples and barnes and noble looking for a good planner. I am very specific about what I want, and I dont want to pay a lot. I may end up just making one for myself. It did make me feel excited about school to be looking for school supplies. I am actually headed to Barnes and Noble this afternoon.. not to work but to study for a little bit. I have a few chapters to get read.. and I think my other books will be in soon.

Ill let you know how my other books are.. Im sort of excited. :)

Reading.

Started reading one of the recommended reading books for grad school. It is getting me excited for classes and stuff. i was worried that I might want to change my concentration, for fear that I may not be as prepared or "active" in social justice as I should be to get as much out of it. But I think Ill be ok. I may not have the ins and outs of the area down.. but thats what focused studies are for right?

Im reading the first book: Covenant with Black America.
Pretty much it is a Plan of Action for Black America to fight for equality, justice, and healthcare in the US. It is pretty intriguing. Some of the statistics are interesting, and just reading from the black populations perspective is new for me. I dont really know much in this area so I have enjoyed it. I like how the book approaches the issues too.. they have sections in the book where they propose the "problem", statistics about it, then they talk about what people can do right now, give examples of what some organizations are already doing, then they give a plan of action for legislation reformation and outline issues that must be resolved to help the overall problem. In each chapter it emphasizes that people MUST keep their representatives accountable and not just wait around for change to happen. I like that a lot. Im excited for the rest of the book and the few others I have coming in.. Ill keep you updated.

I am sitting in an empty house right now. I dont know if Ill be going to church tomorrow or not. I really should, it has been a rough week or too. Mom I love you and I am worried about you. We just want you to have the best care, and we hate seeing you on that hell hole farm if it is causing you more distress than its worth. I dont have a solution, but know I love you and I am praying.. a lot.

I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Youth group kids were so comforting while in Colorado, blessings and thanks to all the hugs.. even the awkwardly long derek hugs. Lacey I loved getting to know you, and you are one of the reasons I want to move back out to the area.. I hope we keep in touch, and you keep grounded. Im proud of who you are working to become.

It has been good talking to Steve (who I assume will read this :)). Its funny to walk into friendships and complicated relationships. I am glad the conversations we've had, even the harder ones. Im also glad the conversations we don't need to have. Its great to just mosey along with no route in sight, no destination planned. Its also fun to know he may end up a good travel buddy some day. I hold on to those kinda folk for dear life. :)

Im sorry to hear that stan is being a jackass again. AGAIN.. AGAAAAIIIINN.. What a SAC! Megan my dear I am praying for you, and for his mental health. I hope jackson and bella are ok, I hear they had a rough few weeks. I love you girls and Im sorry to hear life is crap once again.

Daniel is ok! I am so excited he is finally doing well, or relatively well. He is one of my favorite people, and really had a hard few months this summer, he has a long way to go but God is good.

Phil it was great to soapbox CoC with you yesterday. I miss our discussions and how you start whispering when it gets serious. hhahah

ehem.. I sorta downloaded the new harry potter onto my computer.. hehe.. im going to go read now!

COLORADO? Check.

So the good times this summer are officially over. hahah.. Colorado was incredible.. Ill be posting pics in a sec but I want to just say how much I miss hiking and being outside. I am pumped to move to Vermont and have hikes and stuff to do all around.

Got to hang out with Katie/Kathryn while in GH.. Man I just love her spirit. I also got to hang with my brother who is doing amazingly well.. Vivian is adorable and his house is so great..

On to pics..

Last blog til August.

I leave for Colorado tomorrow evening.. so Im assuming this will be my last post till I get back on the thirtieth.. or like aug 1 at 1am again. So peace out July!

Talked to the "guys" at work today for awhile about school stuff again. They know some pretty awesome connections around the area. A couple mags to look into, and organizations doing some good work. I also talked to a guy who is about to leave to go live in Mexico City for 2 months. He'll come back after Ive gone, but Im super jealous. I love Mexico City.. Id love to see it. Im still not talking to Nasser.. he still makes me nervous, but I feel I may need to start talking to him again to at the least keep my spanish in practice. hahah.. sad using of friends eh?

Tomorrow at work I get to do Prep stuff for the HP Party again. I get to cook up a Vat full of Frap Mix. I said Im going to pretend its my witchs brew and sing double double toil and trouble or whatever that song his... cackle cackle. How fun!

PS. I pray tomorrow will not be awkward. ehem.

Also. Kathryn you are one of most favorite people. I feel like I will forever treasure our friendship no matter how long it takes for me to see you again. Your air, attitude and view of life is so refreshing and incredible. You love on anything and anyone no matter who they are. I love that about you. Keep being you, and get your ass to africa.

Hmmm.

It is nine thirty. It is Tuesday. It is past halfway through July. This summer WHIZZED by.

So.. soon Ill be packing up and heading off to graduate school in Vermont. Conversations with the guy at work yesterday got me thinking. I am excited to be out on my own once again. I love new experiences as much as I love cozy old ones. Getting to meet a thousand new faces, forgetting all their names two seconds after, and then seeing which people change me and stick into my life. I wonder if Ill meet another Shyle or Brooke. Will I meet people like Ed who change my perspective on career? or people like Russ who try hard to make me a better person despite their own flaws? How about people like my sister who make me excited to be a parent someday because it will be a great challenge? I am excited to meet the Phils, and Nates, the Brandons, and Megans too. It is just interesting to reflect and see the array of people who have whipped me into the person I am. I was reading a book the other day, a guilty pleasure Ive read eighty thousand times. She has a character whose accent takes in a little bit from each person she meets. I feel like that too. Not just in my accent. I feel like I take on qualities, good and bad, from the people I meet. I hope that that is not a flaw.. like " I dont know who I am so I just steal stuff from others". I know who I am, and who I strive to be.
I guess I just like to truly see people and what they are about, when Im allowed that far in I tend to leave a piece of me with them, and take a little bit too. I think that is a good definition for what true relationship is. The give and take. Ive had this conversation with Phil before, he was so impressive in his quest for better friendships, deeper roots etc. I think Ive blogged on it before but it relates... Phil was saying he felt like a majority of his friendships were skin deep. Not that he or they were shallow, but that somehow he had never managed to really dig in and find a best friend or companion (I told him I considered him a best friend, because he invests in my life, listens and is always there for me..). We talked about it and realized that he rarely gave of his own story or his own life. Rather he let others tell their stories (like me who can always fill a silence with worthless blabber) and felt that that was his way to give in the relationship. He didn't like to tell his story because it felt like he was "taking" from people and forcing them to hear it. For me.. that was opposite. I think of give and take in a vice versa kind of way. Giving of your story and allowing the other person to take.. or partake of your life. Allowing them to invest in your life and story. If they never know anything about you, they can't invest. Right? The point being that in a relationship.. even though sometimes you feel like you are taking all the time.. you are allowing others to invest in you by letting them "give". I think thats an important thing. Yes we need to give as well by listening, and investing ourselves in the other person.. but it has to be an equal or near equal exchange. Phew.. I dont know if that made sense.. but there is a point..

I am excited to meet new people and begin investing anew. I love hearing peoples stories for the first time. Family, fun stories, hard times, faith stories, travel, hobbies, love triangles, whatever. You can really see the heart of people by hearing their stories.. and how they tell them. Were they ok with the death of their mother, did they actually enjoy punching that girl deep down, did God truly transform their lives, did that experience in South America change their idea of America... YOu know the GOOD stuff.

Well Ill get a nice fat chance to hear some amazing stories in the fall... especially at a school where a lot of the students are either international or travellers.. Steve you would probably get a kick out of visiting just to meet some of the people.. its gonna be fun!

God has been doing some strange things in me these past few months. I have had a lot of faith ups and downs.. Im not complaining. I like knowing God is making me a better person. Trials are just another part of that. I need to get back into my readings, and back on track a little. I was doing well for awhile and I can notice the difference in my attitude.. Im tired again. boo.

well I work most of the day today, but Ill post some work stories if anything happens.

work.

So long day at work. 9-5. boo. It was pretty slow and I worked with kate who was eating the whole time. Shes got balls... I dont know how she has kept her job. Neither of us were feeling that great but the day went by eventually. I work again tomorrow 12-8.

Break was unusually entertaining.. read some economist then started talking to some of the regulars.. older guys in their forties who spend their days off relaxing at good ol b and n. They always have good stories and like to hear about my adventures. We were discussing latest travels, and some things to do in vermont. The rest of the day ended with me spilling drinks all over. yay.

now i have some burritos and napping to do.

Ps. it was good to update you brooke. I miss my girl chatter.. ill let you know how things progress!

I leave on Friday. wow. The plan is Tim picks me up at the airport. I am nervous about this.. It could be incredibly awkward. like HARD CORE awkward.. or it could be totally chill. I still dont know about the 30th yet. As of now I plan on him driving me to detroit.. I may get to see my bro but if not I may cruise to detroit early and hang with the pops in Ann Arbor. Who knows.. my life is not my own when I dont have a car. Boo.

the marathon of work begins to work tomorrow. Good times. its only 9-5 tomorrow.. atleast I dont open.. i just come in and work.. thats nice.. i think i open thurs/fri though. I kinda like opening cuz you have the cafe to yourself for the full hour and you feel like you accomplished something when you open.. like you could say Ta da! to the first customer.

Tonight my dinner is consisting of Doritos and 7up. I got kfc for lunch excited to get one of those mashed potato and chicken bowls.. THEY FORGOT THE CHICKEN.. i was so sad. it was a very mushy lunch.

Im jamming out to Tyrone Wells.. I missed him.. he wasnt working on my ipod for a while

Verbosely speechless..

Incredible weekend. The wedding was awesome, reception a blast, and night out with friends was a lot of fun. I was thrilled to see Steve as much as I did, and meet his friend Josh who was awesome.. I hope Canada's treating him well

Thoughts and memories:
I miss the beach a lot, and just walking with people around town here and from wherever. I love that. Summers in Michigan are beautiful, and I need to partake of them more often.

I don't know if Ill ever find community like that anywhere. I hope I do. I guess its because that's the place I really lived and dug in. Its amazing being able to go back four years later like no time had passed. Seeing everyone and just relaxing in life. I know if I ever need anything I can go back to find a net of community there forever. What a blessing.

It does make me think that I want one, if not two things: to find a place to call home base for a good while.. Not necessarily settle in somewhere for good.. i need my travel, but a place to call home, to come back to. I want a house somewhere near all this community and family i hold so dear. I hope my job next year brings me somewhere I can find that home/house..
If I cant find a home base I want a home somebody.. this is more difficult! It would be nice to have someone to travel with. I guess part of me is ready to find someone for good.. I know that I am not ready to be married this very second, but i think pretty soon Ill be ready to do that. I'm excited to have someONE to share life with. At this point my memories are scattered throughout the multitudes of people I have known, which is fine, but it would be nice to begin an adventure with one person and have lots of memories with them. I know weddings tend to bring out that "single for life" fear in me, but I finally feel like I am who I want to be, and I wont change that for anyone. I know I won't settle for a happy on the outside relationship. and I am glad to finally realize I had done that before.

The other thought and realization this week is that I am so happy I live my life. Like LIVE it really. I don't do as much as I wish I did, but I don't feel like I waste my days away, or cop out of life out of fear. I am also happy that I am wired to serve.. I cant imagine living a life that doesn't change lives, change the world in some way. It is so important to me that my life make an impact, and it doesn't have to make a big one. In fact I would be content at knowing that I made a kid smile this year. But I know I have a lot more to give and that the life that I do live, will be focused on giving out and not giving in. On another level I realized that the dream of a perfect home, family, house, job blahbity blah is so much different for me than many of my friends. Like I said I want to Live life.. and that includes struggling, fights, passion, hardship, sacrifice, dirt, blood whatever. I have so much respect for my friends and the lives they have put together.. Shyle and Nate are a prime example. They live a life of service. Their house is open all the time for anyone to come and use as a refuge. I am so grateful for their friendship and example of love. I liked seeing a billion people just relaxed and hanging out at their house like it was the most obvious thing to do. Anyone and everyone are welcome, all ages and types. it was great. Id like to have that... I will.

Grand Haven.. not so much home anymore.

Last night was a blast, despite infringing upon Steve more than intended. Flights went well minus sweaty man and crying baby. Steve picked me up at the airport and we hung out at his house for a while til his friend Josh arrived. I was planning on seeing everyone at butchs..youth group kids.. but I hadnt really heard from anyone and by the time the cincinnati kids were back it was closed anyway. So then the plan was to go to see harry potter with bethany etc.. BUT josh steve and i got distracted by the beach, pier, sunset etc. Ended up at K2 for some good pizza, crazy nostalgia and a jack and coke I have longed for for quite some time.. It was a lot of fun and I ended up just coming back to shyles after. Now its saturday, rainy and the wedding is in a few hours. I saw lyd at the salon she's looking cheery and gorgeous. after some great harvest and chatting Im back at shyles. I may snooze cuz man yesterday took it out of me and I want to have a really good night.

So far the plan is to hit the wedding with Nate in tow, since wifey's in the wedding.. then to the reception with whoever will give me a ride :) Im sitting by abby+date so that will be fun. After that Im hoping alex, kyle, megan and whoever else is up for some fun will go out. Steve and Josh may end up coming out to GH again, but who knows. Its possible we head to GR somewhere but I doubt that.. everyone will be too "fun" for driving is my guess..

Tomorrow church at the waterfront, and possibly a bbq at shyles.. then hanging out and off to PA in the eve.. wow

PS. I miss grand haven but it doesnt feel like home anymore which makes me sad a little. Thats ok Ive always just sort of felt at home whereever I am. Its just weird that GH doesnt have that pull anymore. More of a getaway than a go back to ya know? I did love the pier last night. It was fun to chill with Josh and Steve.. Steves a gentleman through and through whether he likes it or not. Ill miss the kid.

made it to Michigan fine and dandy..

so things didnt work out as planned for friday night cuz I never really heard back from people who COULD hang out.. just people who couldnt.. so Ill see you guys around this weekend.. call me 682 365 6897 or see you at church on sunday

Every time I open my blog it makes me happy to see puppy.... Today went by quick. Started getting packed for the Michigan trip and the Colorado trip. Had some Mojito with the sis after enchiladas...now we are watching "So you think you can dance" with vigor.

Im SOOOOO excited to leave the day after tomorrow.!

My chacos get here tomorrow.. so does my paycheck

work, guitar, and sweet capn crunch lovin..

Work 8-4 was CRAZY busy.. but lots of fun.

Im ready for some Grand Haven.. I am pumped to see the Mexico kids, Shy, Lyd, Russ, Steve, Katy and more and more and more..

Played some Geetar. I plan to play again tonight.. yeah.

I miss brooke.

I want a great dane BADLY.

I mean they start so tiny and end up so freaking amazing. The sweetest doggies.. Huge but so sweet..

Its happenin..

Im so bored. I just got done playing guitar.. my fingers hurt. Family Guy is on.. this show is so funny.

so far its working. I assumed transformers would be corny... it rocked my face off.. I was pleasantly surprised by a few texts I received today..and all things work are turning out well..


I leave for GH in four days. I should think about packing. Maybe. I was going to try and just bring a carryon, but my shoes might take up half the bag... hahaha.. I am posting a picture of the fishies soon.. funnies thing Ive seen in a while .. its like a soap opera under water. We have two fighter fish ... "The Convict" and "The Oscar"... they both love me.. just not each other..

Jess and Albert are doing chores to earn money so they can get a job. Its funny how hard they are trying.. I wonder how long it will last..

Is it sad I am excited for the Veggietales movie coming out in January?

and lastly.. SIT screwed up again and they lost my Perkins MPN. BOOOOOOOOO..

On a lighter note.. Daniel is heavy on my heart today.. I hope he's doing better..

I need to be a pessimist. Im going to try that. Assume EVERYTHING will go wrong and be ecstatic when it goes well.

Sample? Sample? Sample? Sample?

I just handed out samples for 18 hours.. meaning 5 hours.. worst boring work ever. I cant stand baby cups and straws. There's something sinister about them.. like they think they are so damn cute but they're free so they're like whoring out the chocolatey goodness.. maybe im just tired and cranky. Most likely...

my tongue hurts a bit today. not sure why.

two more shifts.. then GH.. i am super pumped. Looks like the Mexico kids are meeting me at Butchs on Friday evening... then wedding stuff on Saturday.. however that turns out. Its a good thing I dont NEED concrete plan s.. cuz i got none. Other than me going to a wedding somehow.. with someone.. at some point.

my room needs some serious cleanage.. yipe. i have 8 non travelling days left in july..

The Well was good this morning.. it was good to see everyone.. I a saw a few people at BN later in the day..

i think maybe its time for some nappy....

My plane tix are in..

Ill be in GR airport at like 445pm ish Friday the 13th.. scary..
then leaveing around 7 on the 15th..

now to find rides to the airport.. any takers? haha..

craziness

Work was crazy today. I opened alone for the first time yet... it went well.. it was super busy all afternoon though.. I finally put the much awaited piercing video on facebook.. I had a few people who wanted to see it.. so there it is.. I dont want it up here.. a little too public.. not like very many people check it.. but still..

I found a dress for the wedding.. I am pumped.. it is my goal to show up the bride.. hahaha.. jk. but my sis had a dress that is amazing so Im stealing it.. I love being the same size! too bad I cant steal her shoes too! I got someone to cover my shift for the wedding ... WOOT.. dad is supposedly getting tix.


ugh im tired.. and I dont know who asked about tim.. but im not going to spill the beans til I get to actually talk to him.. I got some "intel" and it made the situation clearer a bit.. I totally get why he hasn't called but the fact is he sorta pansied out.. so until I have a real conversation with him and get things straightened out.. deal with some vague deets..

early..

Well I work in half an hour but i had to post.... my night turned out better towards the end.. I assume the tequila residue of the night before was working its depressive manner yesterday.. i ALWAYS forget I react like that.. maybe Ill remember next time... hahah.. also.. a side note

CONGRATS TO BROOKE AND CHAUNCEY ON THEIR ENGAGEMENT!!!

Downhill day..

Today quickly got worse worse worse.. many thanks to Russ for the informational and much appreciated conversation. It did however put a damper on my fourth of july..

Thus.. mac and cheese, an empty house, and some soul searching to do... I hate when i get myself into these kinda situations..you know the heart wrenching ones you cant do anything about...

and it started raining. thank you God for doing the crying for me.... I just cant work it up, and I hate crying over guys.. so... ill let the rain do it.

(ps.. Steve if you read this it isnt about you kid.. I had a great dayish with ya.. Ill see you soon!)

A Day with Blade

Well had a good day or so with Steve. He has reinforced his coolness and I am remembering why I liked the kid in the first place. He's such a nut. We hit up Tyler State Park for some geocaching.. lots of weeds, a cornfield run, and a few scenic detours. Then we REALLY took the scenic route to Outback for dinner. It was good food despite the 5 dollar beers... poor steve.. my margarita was fantastically strong. The day continued with a search for margarita mix and a tobacco shop. We did not prevail on all accounts but margaritas were conquered and downed with much enthusiasm. We had a great time, he left this morning to go hang with another pal that lives in Phillie for the fireworks and stuff tonight. All in all a great time, I hope I get to see him when Im in town for the wedding. Thats assuming tickets are bought and I hear from Tim saying I have a ride from the airport. If I dont hear from him soon I may end up conning steve into doing it. we'll see..

Well I am going to go crash for a few hours. then its the fourth.. woot. ehem. I have work tomorrow at 8.. boo.

this doesnt deserve a title.

Work pretty much sucked last night. Busy, worked with the slowest person. Rich was cool though, he's a pretty awesome guy. Too bad he was stressed beyond belief, gotta love being management.

Steve is coming in today. on his way. Should be fun, hopefully I can find SOMETHING entertaining to do.. Im such a stranger to the area that I just dont really know where anything fun is. oh well.

Im still trying to get work off for the wedding.. Im pretty sure Ill just call in if I dont find anyone. I just cant imagine missing it.

back from the shore

Well it was a lovely week out at the shore.. boardwalks, beachwalks, rollercoasters, funnel cake, fudge, waterpark, and piercings.. well piercing singular... heheheheh


I worked last night and it was crazy nuts.. some guy came in and asked for 5 rediculously detailed drinks, he read them out confusingly, I got the drinks right, rang it up wrong and ended up getting tips from the next 3 customers for my mistake.. hahahah.. weird I work again tonight.. with Chris. Should be entertaining.

Well.. I have nothing of consequence to say. I havent heard from tim in forever.. he's starting to frustrate me.. Ill continue to give him the benefit of the doubt.. but I hate when people say theyll call and then dont. Id rather they just say hey Im gonna be busy and may not get a chance to call... it hurts less.. I can take it. On the lighter side of things Steve is coming into town tomorrow. I am super pumped to see him. Its not often you meet such cool people, and get to see them more than once. We'll get to independence day party a wee with the fam.

yup.. this is me going.. really? I posted all that? hahaha.. oh well.. got to love a good cathartic blog... not that it was too drastic.. Ive had worse..

blitz

This is going to be one of those posts I regret.. you know.. openness that should probably be held back for the sake of saving face, salvaging pride or whatever. But right now I don't care about my pride, or my face.

I find myself in an unusual predicament. I am on the couch in a house empty of all inhabitants, except for the demon fish in the tank and the fat spider I trapped under a tupperware I am too chicken to move. I watched a little So You Think You Can Dance, did some Sudoku, and I was about to read some Harry Potter. My sister is at work, overtime for some fat cash, the kids are at Julies for the week, and Bill isn't back from his week in one of the Dakotas yet. I am not working again til after our week at the shore and I am realizing how quickly this summer is zooming by. Soon Ill be a graduate student struggling through case studies and research papers, trudging through snow in less than professional clothing, and yuckin it up with international students from all over the world. Before that I get to trudge Colorado with my favorite youths, do some hiking, and praise God for hours! I feel like so much is going on in my life, but at this very moment I am struggling to find activities to keep myself from my least favorite activity.... pining.

I hate pining, especially when there is so much mystery. I haven't heard from Tim all week, since Sunday night. Now let me add some context to those in the dark on this one.. hopefully Tim doesn't get weirded out if he reads this.. Number one I know not many read this blog anyway.. second.. oh well :P
Tim and I have been talking for about 2 1/2 months.. by talking I mean phone convos, emails, texts etc. It has been such a blessing getting to know him, and I have gotten used to hearing from him regularly. I don't feel like he "owes" me the calls, it is just nice to talk to him, and hear about his day. Point is I have gotten accustomed to his companionship no matter how trivial the conversations, and it is weird to feel a sadness because I haven't heard from him in 4 measly days.

The reason I say I hate pining is because it feels so selfish. Why hasnt he called ME? Maybe Ill call him, no I shouldn't be a stalker like that. I sent him a message he hasn't messaged ME back. I don't know, maybe it is just the fact that I assume he is off doing amazingly adventurous things like actually working, playing with my youths, walking Maddie, and spending time with the people I love like Russ, Lacey, etc. So what it comes down to is I am jealous, super jealous for his time. The other aspect is I have no right to be jealous for HIS time. So what changed in the past 2.5 months? When did my heart get wrapped in this guy I've never met but I feel like Ive known for years? Do I take a step back?.. Do I take it as a blessing?.. Am I obsessing?.. I don't know.

I have learned a few lessons though:

• God pines for my time.. He wishes I would turn away from the computer, tv and HP and spend time with him..
• God knows if Tim is worth pining over.. He'll show me in due time..
• Tim is worth the friendship..
• It is never wrong to care about someone, or to let them know they have touched your heart.
• I crave companionship, I miss being in a relationship that is based on God's will, I will be ready for a serious relationship very soon, but not quite yet.
• My nephew gives the best hugs, my niece the best smiles, my sister is quickly becoming my best friend, that makes me happier than I could ever say.

So.. to top off the longest weirdest post ever...
Tim, don't be freaked out... this is me working things out. I love talking to you, hearing about your day, or just saying Hi.. you will never "owe it to me" to call, but it brightens my day. I have invested some of my heart in you, and I like to know you are doing well. Prayers for the end of your rotation, the test, issues with friends, your ministry to our youths, and to a summer of surprises.

Amber, I love you with all my heart, and I am so proud to be your sister. Your friendship means the world, you have always been someone I can look to for strength and love.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALBERT!

Well so far I am still on the job.. I work in a few hours. Should be fun. I am watching a Baby Story on TLC. Pretty much I am the typical girl right now. Pjs, Dr Pepper, Marie Claire, TV shows that make me excited to have a family some day, and lazy. It is a quiet house without the kids, they are off at Julies this week so I am free of the niece and nephew. I might actually miss the distraction.

I went to a walmart last night to pick up some amenities. It was the weirdest walmart ever. From the outside it was HUGE, but when I got inside it was claustrophobic. Everything was set up strange and they didnt even have a grocery section, just a few aisles with a few things. It was like 20 minutes away too. Not worth. Ill just CVS/ACME it up from now on.

This sunday at church I brought the kids while amber slept from work the night before. They got to hang out with Childrens church and from what I heard they really liked it. Jess helped with the little kids and they both got to make a book for their dad for fathers day. Beth, the lady in charge, fell in love with them.. ofcourse they are both such charmers. :)

So I should really be fired from my job at barnes and noble. But thats ok that I havent been yet. I have one shift this week (because I got my days switched and didnt show for my shift saturday.. oops) then off to the shore for a week. Hopefully SUPER AWESOME RADNESS STEVE will come into Phillie around the fourth, then off to Lyds wedding on the 13-15th.. Colorado the 20th-30th, then Ill need to start figuring stuff out for grad school.. CRAZINESS..

I am officially nervous.

An update on life...

Things are going so well in Philadelphia. I started my job.. and Ill soon be fired. Hahah.. no but I do have to ask off ANOTHER week of work for the Colorado trip with First Pres. Ill be missing the Harry potter release and the whole week after it.. woops. I shouldnt have even applied. oh well.. Hopefully I wont have to quit to avoid getting fired for "abandoning" my job.. as you can tell Im quite worried.. hahah

I got a new cell phone.. thats what I did the movie of Al on.. the pics turn out pretty well too.. who needs a digital camera.. i mean seriously..

We watched our family movie today.. how funny.. its possible that someday I wont be embarrassed of my naked infancy being recorded for all to see.. there was less blushing than normal.. but seriously.. my dad is an embarrassing man.. especially with the naked butt shot.. i mean sheesh..

Steve may be in town for 4th of July.. that will be fun to see him.. he was a cool guy..

Ill finally meet tim two weeks later.. things are going well there, I love talking to him.. what a dork.. It will be fun to take the Colorado trip with youth group and get the chance to get to know him better..


Thats about all I got..

This is my nephew.. He is nuts.. but he has the best giggle..
I love you Albert!

Church hunting

God is so good. This morning Amber, Jess and I checked out a church a few minutes from the house..

www.thewellpa.com

it was an awesome experience. Small, laid back, coffee, art on the walls, great band, and some of the nicest welcoming people. Not to mention you can tell they have their hearts in the right place. I am excited to go back next week. Jess LOVED it. She was surprised at the band, and how informal it was. This is my kind of home church. Makes me not want to move!