Stomach Flu

To add insult to injury- I have the stomach flu. I can't keep anything down. Sad day. But on a lighter note I feel better about life today. I feel hopeful and ok about things.

On the Cusp.

Sometimes hitting rock bottom is the best thing for you. Last night really felt like it, but you know what? The one thing Ive learned about rock bottom is that sometimes it can be a catalyst for change. I really want and need to change some things in my life. There are some things that are going incredibly well for me- unexpected support from people I barely know or haven't known for awhile, art becoming a daily product, classes, family etc. But there are other things going on right now that are inexplicably destructive. I won't blog about them- but it came to my attention last night that I really need to give up a few things. The biggest is my need to be in control of my life, my emotions and my image. I'm giving them up.. and I do mean that directionally. As in giving them UP to God. I can't do it anymore. I shouldn't have tried in the first place but it is my nature. I am so so SO grateful to Him that I am in a place where shame isn't an option, where I am allowed my mistakes and rock bottoms without the world falling to pieces and all integrity eternally lost. It is odd to find both peace and instability in the "world". I find my friends here to be so much more accepting of growth, backslides and really LEARNING. Despite that, I am ready to come home. I mean that in so many ways. I need home in the sense of finding myself in God's hands again, I need home in my faith family, I need home in who I am and more importantly the person I have been working to be for so many years.

Last night was dark.. it was not the me I want to be. Im done escaping.

I finally got a lead on a "possible" apartment opening. Whether or not it works out it is nice to atleast have SOMETHING to follow through with.

I felt super yucky today.. throat nasty and coughy.. I fear I am getting Cici and Kiera's cold- hopefully I'll beat it into submission with sleep and liquids.

Tomorrow:

10am TSA Clearness meeting
3pm Prison Industrial Complex Abolition mtg for my class with Ken
5pm Austine School: Academic Bowl
after: Keene, dancing, escaping on campus parties post VooV

Things I need:

Apartment in GH preferably downtown, 1br 350/mo, accepts pets.

Summer Job: Barnes and Noble is fine, but i need hours. A management position at Jumpin Java or somewhere downtown would be perfection

InternshipS: LEDA hasn't called me yet, Russ and I need to hammer out some things.

Summer to get here-someone to do all my projects, and a big hug.

Guitar Lessons, someone to sing harmony with, and some free time.

Things I want:

My dad's interview in China to go swimmingly- he deserves it.

Frisbee to start

Me not to be nervous about saturday and possibly seeing Josh for the first time since that crazy ass weekend.

Youth group to heal itself before I get there.

LEDA to call me. I want to work with them.

Phil to move to MI with me (I fear it is just words) and for Daniel to visit us.

The Mexico trip to happen.

Creative year

So this year is so new and fresh for me.. I have been on this create create CREATE! buzz that I am loooving.. whether it be writing, paper stuff, music, whatever I don't know what is going on but it feels like coming home. I am having a great March and excited for April.. I am pumped to go home and be able to be immersed in art and music again with youth group stuff and just having time again to breathe and work and play! Hurrah!

Can I just say that I am incredibly anxious for my first Lake Michigan Sunset in years.. man man. I am a Pisces.. I need water... like NOW.

The fix

After much deliberation, some tissues and sticky dots:

So Easter.

I went to Keene and took a pitstop at borders. I wanted to check out the bargain section. I left with a 3dollar journal, a puzzle, and Marie Claire.

On the way home my guts called me to Chesterfield Gorge parking lot, and me my cameras (with unknown to me dying batteries) and my slippery chucks slid down a few trails to the "gorge"/creek to snap a few before the death of batteries.. It was beautiful.

I stopped by rite aid to pick up some batteries and a few other needs... When I got home before even getting in the door I slipped down the slope and took some pics at the creek. Again forewarning I am not used to my camera yet.. but this is what I came up with..

C-E-Nevers

Have you ever heard the term C-E-Os? Well it means Christmas and Easter Onlys. Aka people that only go to church for those specific holiday. I have realized this week that I am really the opposite. For some reason I loathe going to "church" on Christmas and Easter. There is something about the fakeness of the majority of people that come- and the daggers from the eyes of those that have been going all year.. I don't know. I guess to me going to church on christmas and easter is my reminder how so many "so-called christians" "lukewarm live-ers" there are in a church, my church, our church, their church. It makes the meaning of xmas and easter wanting more. So I usually skip church. I am thinking that this year I am going to start a new tradition for myself.. although I haven't yet decided what it is. I really want to be in nature. Maybe climb to an overlook, a peak, a place to see the city and ponder how many souls he sacrificed for in just this view alone. I don't know but I know that (outside of still being too nervous to go to church due to the awkwardness of josh and I) I don't want to go to Agape, or any other church this week. I do however want chocolate.

Weird note: as I sit here my vision is doing something weird. there is a section of my vision that is all watery.. like when you laugh so hard you spit or spill on the tv and it distorts the image. This has happened a view times and I really hate it. I don't know if it is just something because i just woke up, or my contacts, whatever.. weird!

Lazy Daze. PJs. Heroes Craze. Marshmallow Phase. Chicken and Maize. Hopefully Pays. Too Many Mays. I love Fridays.

Let the good times roll..

Last night was beer olympics at the Railroad in Keene.. but apparently its every week so it wasn't as busy as Kiera, Katy, Liz and I thought. It was actually pretty low key night, which is good cuz this morning I am realizing that the work I have to do for my afternoon class is more than I thought. We had a really good night. Played a few games of pool, which Katy and Kiera lost because TWICE Katy knocked in the eight ball riiiight at the end. It was awesome. There was only one game of beer pong, and we ALLL sucked so we stopped cuz the ball kept flying everywhere. We had some fun aka bursting dollar bottle budlight from us in laughter convos.. We saw and yucked up our favorite bartenders. I think that might be our favorite part is that all of the bartenders are pretty amazing. We threw a bunch of music on the jukebox and had our own mini dance party.. the sucky part was that we only got through 8 of our 12 songs because they had to turn it off at last call. The other weird part was that around that same time people started getting weird.. I said blame the full moon on the first day of spring. Weirdos. There were near fights but nothing spectacular. I think a baby's momma kicked out a baby's daddy.. which was intriguing. I cheered on the mavs- which was dangerous because they were playing the celtics and my arse would have been kicked back to sunday if the barfolks knew it. I got a call from Daniel- making me jealous of his being Ultimate.. that is what you said right? I couldn't hear you but I'll listen to the message today :p sorry I had to go so suddenly, my turn was up in pool. Kiera sang ALLLLL the words to Shoop and Whattaman.. There was an accident on the highway on the way home because where keene got noo snow, brat got like 2 inches. We had to slam the brakes and almost ended up in a ditch ourselves... meanwhile RunDMC and Snoop were playing loudly from my sneakers as we jammed out oldschool. hahaha. Didn't look like there were injuries and we were all grateful for that. Last night I was like maybe I WILL go out again this weekend.. but I decided no... I need a weekend in, to chill and read my book. and oh wait.. STUDY.

My body hurt today. A lot. Phil has caught me a couple times wincing while I sit, shifting, massaging my legs. I startled myself today because I realized that it has become regular. Not just an every few days thing, but an every day thing. Is it just habit? Is it my posture? Is it not stretching? Is it the chairs? I was startled because I thought of Amber. I saw her in my actions and it made me panic. Number one I know I am one of the worst hypochondriac panickers. Ask my mom and sister. I think they laugh at me with my ailments. Despite that.. you can't blame me for wondering with our family's issues.. Anyway.. I will say that the stretching and rubbing has helped by back muscles. I can actually feel my lower spine now.. before it was so pulled forward (like towards my stomach because my hips were tilted in by my bad sitting posture over all these years) that I couldnt feel the lower spine near my sacrum. it was hidden under tightened muscles.. Despite that my circulation hates our desks, my hips still hate my classroom posture and four hours is too much to handle. Either way.. i don't see myself going to the doc for it because no matter how much I hurt.. I don't think it is more serious than just being a lazy unhealthy eater.. and despite that my mom and sister will always hurt more..

I am from:

Block parties and barbecues

Forts in the woods, lava tag

Coast guard Carnival, and freshwater beaches.

Sage, Tarot and my dreams mean everything.

I am from divorces, and almost remarriages.

4 moves in three years, 19 overall.

I am perpetually packing for tomorrow.

I am from:

New brothers and sisters, a family through faith.

Worship with your every pore and musical beach-night bonfires

I am from “Could I be a leader?” to “Of course you can.”

I am Philippians’ starry skies and Jeremiah’s uncovered plans.

I am from the great “I AM”, his hands, and plans despite life’s spite.

I am from:

Car accidents, cancer, death and most of all deliverance.

Funerals, tragedy, tears and hugs.

I am from amber's steroid treatments, mom's ever present pneumonia.

Coughing phone calls, and transparent “I’m fines” and “It will be ok’s”

I am from the Lord’s fortress; my Rock and security.

I am from blurring lines and escaping the pain,

Scapegoats and denial, anger, inaction and rebellion.

Yet I am from the place where my Rock never moved.

I am from:

Lifting my eyes up and moving forward.

Applications and acceptance, Lonestar love and longhorns pride.

Moving boxes, potluck roommates, and ultimate Frisbee.

I am from a cappella every day, máte in the morning, and Candombe.

I am from brown dirty faces, and clambering hands, barbed wire playgrounds

Cardboard walls, and “no the showers aren’t heated, its 110 today”.

I am from lead by action, not by words, and serving at the feet.

I am from:

Hope despite.

I am from looking inward and loving outward.

I am from family is more than blood,

It is hoping together in the light, while still in the dark.

Today was a pretty long day.

I woke up to no time for a shower after a long night of nightmares (thanks to Daniel for the prayers and the check-up text today. It is nice to have someone to send those texts to again.. sorry to burden you with it).. death dreams have been recurring a lot in the past few weeks, especially but funeral attendance is a new one. I don't like it.. there are assumptions involved there. It was encouraging to see friends there, but I still don't know whose funeral it was. It was weird to not know.. even in the dream I waited for them to open the casket but they never did, like I wasn't supposed to know who it was.. so I just wondered and I was possibly more scared than when it was my own death in my dreams.

Class this morning was good.. we shared our "I am from" poems, which I am reluctant to post because it really is a pretty personal exposé. I dont know if it will offend or scare people.. who knows. It was hard to read the poems of the other students in the class.. I connected at so many levels with the hope and despair.. It was hard to read about other people and see myself in their words, the many things I didn't include in my poem, that I chose to omit, to hide, to fear. In the group I shared that my poem didn't fully portray who I am, only slices of me. Like crosssecting me and seeing the day they died, or the night he left, or the morning she called. Those moments say a lot but they will never say it all, they may show despair but in them was more hope than ever. So I explained that my poem should be a catalyst for exploration and questions rather than a blanket of understanding. I didn't want people to assume that the words on the page said it all.. they just opened windows for more. I would rather people ask about my story than read between the lines..

Pop/NFed meeting was great today: we designed our training and it is amazing. I want to implement it like now. Maybe I'll post some of it and show you the kind of work I want to do.

Ed for SJ was also good tonight... Bill Holiday came to talk to us today.. he is a high school teacher at the high school in town and he is amazing. He pretty much proved to us today that the assassinations of kennedy and king were setups, hahah.. it was awesome. He said he presents both sides.. far right and far left... to his kids so they can sift through it all and find their place.. rather than teaching from a text that MUST teach the middle so it can be sold to EVERYONE.. He invited us to visit his class any time.. I'll be going next week.. I want to see him teach his kids.




You know me and God
He's gotta rock my world to open my eyes

Brokenness is my Portal
to clarity and understanding

I'll take it"

I don't take compliments well. What I mean by that is that when someone compliments me I tend to crack a joke, dismiss it, or completely internalize it as if it was a proposal in itself. haha.

The other day a friend of mine said that my necklace matched my green eyes. For some reason it never occurred to me that people actually notice my eyes being green. Probably because as most of you know I vehemently avoid eye contact unless I feel connected to someone. This is something I have been working on because I find that people will open up to me more if I give them sincere, but not creepy, eye contact.

Anyway.. moving on.. it made me laugh because it felt like one of those sappy movie moments.. my heart fluttered *he noticed*. Whats the funniest about this is that it doesn't really matter.. he isn't someone I am interested in, although he is fun to joke around with, and pretty damn funny. Despite that we are from two different worlds and we both know it so I guess thats why it is fun and ok.

Sometimes when I make realizations like this I go wayyyy too deep and connect it to crazy complicated events in my life. I am not going to do that.. as I am also not going to relate his comment to a proposal. I think he would shat his pantalones. HAHAH.

Friend, if you are reading this and know who you are... no worries :p but thanks for the pick me up!



On a side note... it is a beautiful day.. so I went tanning :)

I like today.

It has been a few weeks.. but I can officially say that today was a good day. I don't know what it was about it exactly. I slept in, read some jodi picoult for class.. which it is actually turning out to be a book I am enjoying. She is a pretty great writer. I am impressed. My dorky side ordered a bunch of Anne McCaffrey books for my mom and I on half.com. She got me hooked on this sci fi series and it has sort of become my escape. I have read this trilogy a thousand times I swear but I still love it. Can you detect my evasiveness in owning up to the actual series? It is pretty startrek of me. hahah.

I played a bit of guitar.. as proved in the previous post. I get so frustrated because I just cant for the life of me get a few chords that are integral in a lot of the songs I want to play. I can play all the chords in as the deer (using Em for B cuz that one kills me) but the chord changes are super rough and I don't even know if I have the timing right.. I am not even to the point of strumming yet.. arg. Either way it was nice to be doing music again. I have some lyrics floating around in my head Id like to play around with. Maybe I can find some people this summer who want to do some musicky things.

I had some great convos last night with people I miss dearly. Namely: Phil, Lydia, and Daniel.

Phil: I cannot wait for this summer and to get to chill with you again. I miss our days of mac and cheese and salsa, yucking it up, and whatever the hell else we did. what was that?

Lydia: Glad to hear you are doing well and thanks for listening to me rant about everything with youth group and stuff. I hope I get to see you in the near future. Maybe if I make it out to texas this summer I'll swing by. haha.. I hope so!

Daniel: Oh man. Convos last night were a big encouragement. I am pumped for you to come on the Mexico trip and everything else going on with you. I am glad you feel purpose in your life despite not having any long term plans. Thanks for always being such a good friend despite my completely forsaking you for a year :p Cuidate y dios te bendiga!

I was thinking the other day.. that

I need to start to figure out this damn camera. I have had this new digital for months and it drives me nuts because my pics turn out all blurry. Now obviously I knew this one would. but the point is I wanted to play. So I found my b/w setting today. and these are a few that I liked from the exploration. The one above is a good representation for how the last few months/weeks of my life have felt. Only part of me in focus, and definitely hiding.
This just made me laugh. Where the hell did my head go?

And in ode to Daniel and Phil. I picked up the guitar. I am playing "As the deer" slowly and poorly in this photo. Oh wow I look awkward. my wrist looks broken :)

yup

chillin at the farm

Catfights