Out on the town.. sort of

Last night I went out with Emerald and Corrie to Guitars and Cadilacs.. it was pretty fun but not what I expected the night to be. I dont really two step, though I learned how to half step.. not that I could do it again. So mostly we just sat and watched for awhile. Until we were approached by a bunch of Marine Corps guys .. they were a group of friends and saw us sitting alone (insert pathetic smile here) and invited us to join them. Well they were all pretty much getting trashed and smoking up a storm, but we hung out with them and it was fun. They were funny and sweet. The girls with them were awesome.. I knew a couple from ACU. After Guitars was closing Corrie and I decided to meet up with them at a friends house.. we hung out until about 3 or so.. It was fun. But I am afraid I left the impression that I was looking for people to party with. Im not. I am not a party girl, never have been. It was fun to hang out last night, but they arent my kind of people. They knew about a couple salsa bars Id like to check out, but you see I just like to dance. That sounds so dumb but its true. When I go out on the floor I dance by myself.. Im not one of those girls looking for someone to "grind on" .. Thats not fun.. its actually kinda gross, and most of the time the guy cant dance worth crap. I will dance with a guy if he actually knows how to dance. Examples: Isaac, Rodrigo, Jeremy, there are a few more but not many. I guess it goes back to my youth group days.. frightening eh? We would always have dance parties at church.. yes.. its true.. and its not like your going to grind on a guy in the fellowship hall of your church, so we just had fun and danced as a group. I miss that. The point of all this was that last night was a successful going out experience. I reminded myself the only reason I like to go out is to dance.. Im not a party girl, I dont hang out well with people that are. One of the guys has my phone number.. that makes me nervous but Ill let him down gently.

Well.. the house is in shape again. AC, hot water, electricity, crazy roommates. We can clean clothes, do dishes.. its great!

I have strep.. again. I dont know why this happens so much but it does. Anyways.. i got antibiotics yesterday and Im feeling better already. I taught class today but I wont be workign til friday because I am still too contageous to work with food. I was sad to miss my day to meet with Cat at Healing hands.. or excuse me their new name is Global Samaritan Resources.. but hopefully next week or later this week. He's got some good projects lined up for me next week.

I had a tennis written and skills test today. I sucked it up. I dont know how I am going to do in that class. Its hard! I shouldve taken it pass/fail.. but I forgot. Oh well.

Mom needs prayer. She's having issues with her medicaid stuff. she may not get money for her meds.. which IS REALLY REALLY BAD..s o please be praying for her..

I am reading a book called A Love Worth Giving by Max Lucado. It is really good. Last nights chapter was on Love being shown through kindness. Yesterday's was Patience. I really need to be hearing these things right now. Patience has been very hard for me in the love department. Especially with friends, roommates etc. In the romance department too. Im so impatient. Im trhying to work on it though..

Our house is still a sauna.. hotter than hades. Oh well... I can live with it.. it just doesnt give me much incentive to clean.. which is what needs to happen soon..

I decided I am giong to accept Robs latest job offering. He is going to pay me to do the scheduling, hiring and training at third rock. It shouldnt be too demanding and he is making it worth my while. Its weird having him work so hard to keep me around. It feels good but makes me nervous. I feel like a commodity.. and i dontknow if its good or bad.

I think ive decided to stop working at highlan and start looking for a church in the area that fits me better. I started going to highlan and working there when stephen and I were dating. I was trying to become more comfortable with the denomination and get to know it a little. That and a lot of the acu students go there.

Now that I have met soem of the hardin simmons students, im starting to itch to get back to going to church regularly, and one that inspires me and really ignites my faith. I like COC for its tradition, but my faith doesnt click with it enough to become a member. It makes me frustrated because it actually becomes a filter for people i date or dont date. If they are serious about staying COC i really have to think hard about whether or not its worth it. I know that sounds dumb, but I just dont relate to that perspective towards faith. Not that its wrong, its just not the person God has called ME to be.

I have really been working hard on trying to figure that out lately. In the past few weeks I am seeing that God has really big plans for me, and that he has been calling me to them for years. He has known my path and where I should be working towards. I have been ignoring that call for about 3 years now. Not that going to ACU was a mistake, it wasnt. However, I began to slip into the casual christian atmosphere and focused on school, then work, and through it all boys.

My focus is regaining. I am still interested in school, work and yes, those monsters called boys, however they are starting to be filtered through God first. He should be at the center and the rest will come together. Anyway thats what Im dealing with right now. Its rough but it is soooo much better than my sorry existence without my loving creator.

Lazy..

Today was a slackers day..

I let my students out early from class today. Like we literally spied out the door til the professors left for lunch so they could go. I just had no incentive to pretend to teach them a thing. I like teaching. Its fun watching the students become excited about spanish, about something new and difficult. The majority of the students are a blast. They laugh at me and even sometimes my jokes, i can be real with them, but still kick their butts if they talk when im talking. Its been neat. I like leadership roles although I dont think teaching could ever be my full time job. Im just not THAT passionate about it. Teaching knowledge is difficult for me to do because I know how little I have learned from a lot of my classes. Teaching passion through experience is my thing. I want to bring the students into experiences that change their world enough that they want to be a part of something new and radical. Inspiring world changers is my niche in life. Everytime I get into leadership positions the same thing happens. I make connections, use my authority to gain respect not just obedience, and use it to get people excited to do their jobs well for themselves. That is work ethic, that is passion for the job, and I believe that is how God calls us to love others. Encouragement, passion, love, respect, joy in life. Everything comes back to the dream.. what a big dream. And everyday it becomes farther away, and closer too.
I cant believe this time next year Ill be a real person. Graduated, on my way to find a job wherever God takes me. I have finally trusted it to him. I have quit my job, quit trying to control my life, and given it over again.. every day I have to do it. but it happens. I love God, he has given me more life than I ever couldve asked for. He wisked me up out of some horrible situations and placed me on a rock! Set my feet upon a rock and now I KNOW HIM! God is soo good. I lost him for awhile there. Somewhere in the midst of wanting to marry stephen because he is such a good guy, and realizing that God has even bigger plans for my life I found him again. It had something to do with the faces of those beautiful children in Juarez. Of finding that comfort and strength in him against all odds, and despite my horrible disobedience.
God, I want to do your ministry, I want to instill your passion and worship you with my WHOLE life. Not just my weekends, or my hours volunteering, or my leadership. With my mornings, with my naps, with my preparation for teaching, with my tattoo(s) with my love for my roommates, dog, family, and new friends.

I wish i could play guitar. This is the time to write a song.. a psalm, a cry out to the lord!!!

My sister is buying a bible. It makes me want to cry to think about it. i have prayed for my family since the moment I met Jesus on that horrible and wonderful day back in middle school. 10 years of prayer, my sisters daughter wants to go to church because she found a rosary at her grandmas house and started asking about it. Amazing. My sister has been asking about Jesus for the past couple years, i think she is horrified and curious about my life choice to be a Christian and go to a Christian school. To not get drunk, or have sex. Those are the things she sees first .. but she also sees I am happy, and that my life would have dictated otherwise has something else not intervened to give me the strength I needed. I have made so many mistakes in my life, but despite my winters with God, he has always lured me back, because I am his child.

Mom is sick again, and it worries me. Mom you worry me. Dont feel guilty about it, I just love you so much and hate being away from you. I wish you would call me and talk to me when you arent feeling well. You dont have to say anything, I just want to feel like Im near you. I miss you all the time. I miss all my family. It was good to talk to my brother the other day. Andy you are a piece of work. I am crying in my pride for you and your accomplishments. I wish I couldve gone to your graduation. I am soo happy for you.

Ultimate! Snap...

Ok.. so it was an overall good weekend. actually it was one of the better in the past few weeks. Sunday night I went to meet up with people at HSU again to play ultimate. It was exciting to see I was remembered.. and apparently talked about.. which freaked me out only slightly. We played on a new field. I pulled my Quad.. it felt like someone stabbed me and twisted the knife everytime I moved my leg. I tried to play on it then went to sit down for awhile. I got a thigh massage (sounds scandalous but it wasnt) it was like acupressure.. thought of you mom.. by this guy on the team.. he apparently does that often.. the acupressure not the massaging of girls thighs.. It helped some and I went out to play again later. Despite the intense pain I snagged a few good ones (immediately following I fell to my knees when my legs gave out), I blocked a few really good ones.. (sorry cody, but I had to take advantage of your cripplosity as well.. besides you blocked some of mine too.. punk.. im not bitter) overall it was good. and lucky for me we are working on serves in tennis so it didnt stop me from playing this morning.. too bad.

ok.. im done. life is good again. God is good

I QUIT!

I put in my notice at work this morning. I am going to work through july, but as of August first I am a customer and no longer an employee. It feels good. Rob had offered me the position of running the store with profit percent incentives. Not worth. I am so stressed out from life, classes, teaching and my future that I just cant deal with it .. I am in a funk, and a big part of that is the fact that I am overextending myself. The usual cause. So.. the summer will end and I will be in a new phase once again, back to mooching from my dad, loafing around and trying to get some good volunteering in. I am at work right now. and I have no desire to work, clean or do anything. This place has stripped me of my soul and all that that entails. I spent last night sobbing myself to sleep because all was wrong with the world. I need a change. So I called rob this morning before lab and told him. I feel better but it doesnt change the sinking feeling I have hat more changes will need to be made to make it better. only God can do that. so anyways.. thats where I am..

I played ultimate frisbee last sunday with a group of people from hardin simmons. it was a friend of a friend connection and I am hoping to play with them more often. There were a couple of really talented players but really it was just good competitive but polite play. it felt good to get out there again.. it felt even better to be meeting people from HSU.. a new crowd, a different breed. Refreshing..