Saturday, January 28, 2006

Payday. Good day.

For those confused by the previous post:

A not is something brooke and I came up with last night. Our own category. When people ask me what Im like I never know what to tell them.

Im not a jock but Im athletic.

Im not girlie, but I like to be pretty.

Im not butch but I can wear sweats and short hair.

Im not a nerd, but Im intelligent.

Im not OCD but I like to be clean

Im not a scrub but sometimes I dont take a shower.

Im not a pushover but Im also not a B*tch.

Im not lazy, but I like to relax.

Im not a workaholic but I have a good work ethic.

Im not cocky, but Im confident.

Im not popular but I like who I am.

Im not a musician, but Im musical.

Basically this group is for those of us well rounded folk who arent molding ourselves to one category or another. We decided that although it is ok to be a part of a group such as the above mentioned, some people cop out and pick one because they are too lazy to figure out who they are. So.. Word to all the NOTS out there.. Are you a Not?

Other than that today was pretty crappy.. other than lunch.

I slept through my french class.. yep.. I did. I made it to chapel and was blessed with a lunch with marcus, phil, ahndria, sarah and well.. me. It was tasty and I like them. They are such sweet happy people. I hope to get to know them better..

Then I finally got a hold of my dad after a boring afternoon class. And hell opened. I told him about how I was looking at grad schools and he'd know I was listening to him and putting away some of my pride.. I told him about how Rob basically offered me the future position of running one of his stores, so that he would see that I am enjoying my job and am talented at it.. And what happened? He blew up. He yelled and got pissed, and kept sying all this stuff about how I dont knwo what Im talking about and how I ignore what he says about maybe liking corporate stuff, and not letting me say a word at allllll.. I just stopped listening. I was so pissed.. SO pissed. He has burst my bubble and hurt me too many times. How long will it take for him to realize that although I understand his motives are pure.. or almost pure, it is still my life that I am trying to make something of and I may have to do it MY way.

I cant even explain to you how mad I was.. I got to the point where I almost.. ALMOST screamed F&!K you and hung up. NOT EVEN KIDDING. But I calmed myself atleast til I could get off the phone. He has never brought me to tears before, but this did it. OH this did it.

I am finally to a point in my life where I see a direction I want to go. And although I dont know the next step in the path I can see the general direciton. Its like when you are driving and night in a blizzard and although you cant see ten feet ahead of you you can make out the direction of the lines on the side of the road enough to just keep going. If you were to call someone and say hey what direction do I go.. taht wouldnt help you. Only staring at those lines on the road and being focused on what adventures lay ahead of you will work. Wow.. That just came into my head.. God is good. ANyways..

Work was alright tonight. Not busy. Even though the people I worked with were convinced that was the busiest it had ever been. ahhaha. funny.

Oh last night and this afternoon I had some pretty cool convos with my friend from Mexico City. Man I want to go down there SOO bad. I want to have a vacation so bad. By myself or with a friend. I dont know. I just NEED IT. So I think I am going to save up some of my money from work and fly down to Mexico City this summer for like a week and hang out with my friend. He's a pretty cool guy and I wouldnt feel weird about it. He's a great man of God and is always an encouragement. Plus he said he'd take me on a tour of the pyramids and all the cool museums!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Short and Long

For the simple minded:

I got lost in Abilene today.. actually I just missed a couple exits. I was distracted. I apparently like taking Treadaway to school.

I set off the alarm at work last night. I am an idiot. Oh well. First closing alone time. I was proud of everything else. Hey its not my fault he only showed me how to leave not how to go back in when I forgot my wallet and car keys inside the locked alarmed building. Woopsie.

Today in chapel we found out that the Soulforce is coming to ACU. Im not sure exactly what theyre about but it has something to do with Christians and admissions bans agains Gay, Lesbian, Bi or Transexual people. We are one of 14 institutions singled out by their campaign. Not that it makes a difference, but we dont have a ban on GLBT students. Well anyways.. as this was discussed in Chapel Dr. Money (sighing and heart palpitations did in fact occur) proposed different responses to this. He said we could charge them with trespassing and have them arrested. This was said in sarcasm but was followed by a Woop by some dude joking around (I would hope) and followed by laughing and cheering, something I hoped was in response to the woop but I fear was also in favor by some to the arresting of the campaigners. He then offered the option of treating them like any other guests on campus, with kindness, interest and dialogue. I heard some Thank yous yelled by others like myself and I realized I was clapping and saying the same thing before I realized the passion and disgust the previous response instilled. There are some things I can tolerate in the world, hating people with different opinions is not one of them. Thus.. I am excited to see the discussions incurred by the presence of Soulforce on our campus. Some of these students, including myself, need a challenge.

Long winded Phyllis.... If you are bored.. click the next blog in your favorites.. this is for my own personal catharsis. Although some of you may find it interesting. I wont take offense if you dont.

Today I found out that I cant be certified in ESL with my degree not being in education. That would have been a duh type situation had my advisor mentioned to me that he was not sure what the requirements were rather than just telling me that yes it was true and I should go ahead and jump into the 12 hours of courses. So I found out tonight. Its not a huge deal.. I get an endorsement rather than a certification. But still. There are other classes that might be more useful to me than read/write/connect or English Grammar. Seriously.. perhaps a business class, or something that would be helpful to future endeavors. So Im stuck. Do I stick with it and get an ESL endorsement in hopes that some highschool will emergency certify me and Ill be good to go.. Or do I only take the two classes I am now enrolled in and get certified later when I know I want to teach it. I can always take a summer course and get the cert. So Im stuck. The cool thing is that after chapel on Wednesday when they talked about owning your own dream instead of running on the coattails of someone elses (in response to MLK day and his dream) I realized that I have already taken ownership of this dream. To the point where I have openly told a couple people my dream. That freaked me out a little bit but it felt right. And that means a lot. Today in my ESL class I wrote on my Self Portrait page that my dream was to open a cafe as a starting point for a ministry that encourages service and missions in an international context. Wow. That is like only a sliver of the mission statement but it feels right.

So. What does this mean? I am taking serious consideration of the things I would need to get there. For the first time I am considering going and getting an MBA. I think for a long time I avoided it because my dad pushed it so hard even though he wasnt happyin his own business adventures. SO .. we'll see.. but God is pulling rugs underneath me left and right...

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Finding Home

Classes started today. But thats nothing.

For the first time in a long long long time, I found home in myself again. I have finally found who I have not been for such a long time, and for such a long time has missed being.

If that doesnt make sense to you, dont worry. I feel at home with myself. And how did I find it? Well I have found where God fits in me. Or rather where I fit in God. I have struggled with it for so long. Do I have to be a missionary to be a good Christian? Can I only go to church once a week and still be a Christian? Can I be an unfaithful person and still be ok in God's eyes? The answer. I don't have to fit God into whatever turn my life goes in. I don't have to cut a God shaped box in my heart and slip Him in. What I need to do is allow myself to live IN HIM. That is such a cliche thing but I have realized it today. How? Well I dont know. But let me explain a moment to you.

I was in chapel today. I got there and felt the grumbles begin. I didn't want to be there, or I didnt want anyone to think I did. I didnt know whether I wanted to be there or not. I had had so many moments over the past years full of cynicism: All they do is sing no one cares what they say. And then the times where I could see the people with eyes closed and hearts bursting for God and think Showoffs.. they dont mean it. Rediculous.

Something happened in chapel today however. Blessed be thy name. The version where it talks about Blessing Gods name when the world is right or if the world is all wrong. Every time I hear that song I think of my life and see how much God has blessed my name. And I kind of realize as well how little glory I give to God for it. I thank him for the perseverence and character he gives me, but never really ask for more. I never really want to trust my life to more of his "teachings".

The other half of it is this: I am kind of scared to become a "christian girl". The one who glows with love and character, with hospitality and gentleness. The girl who goes on mission trips and babysits for free. I don't want to slip into the "cliche christian girl". The girl all boys think they can bring home to mom cuz they are the "right kind of girl". I dont want to be cast as that girl. Its not that I dont want to be a good person, a person who loves God, or a person of good moral character who is good enough to bring home to mom. I do however want people to see me, see my character and see the flaws as well as the perfections. I want to be a servant of Christ but not one that blindly follows cuz its in the church bulletin. So how do I set myself apart. Well now theres another thought. I am desiring to set myself apart. From good Christian people. So what does that mean? Am I a holier than thou? or do I just desire a genuine faith so that people can taste and see that the Lord is good? My family wont find God because I am "good to bring home to the fam". Thats too "transparent". Rugged Christianity is what I want. And yet that requires truth, confession, and brutal forgiveness, mercy and humility. Much of which I am also petrified.

So I am struggling with where God fits in my heart. Or I was anyway. Until I closed my eyes and sang "Blessed be thy Name" your GLORIOUS NAME! and it all melted away. It was good that I was wrestling with my faith, but even better knowing that God was glorious whether I was Cookie Cutter Christian or Rugged Hardcore Christian. Hey maybe I can just be Phyllis Chill aspiring to be more like the Christ who has been with me from creation.

A song that breaks my heart in a good way:
"Worlds Apart"
I am the only one to blame for this

Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide

With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die
To turn away and not become

Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
[Additional lyrics:]
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now,take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I praytake my world apart

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Um. I got a promotion. And a raise. Yum.

So I went in this morning for my first day of work at Third Rock Creamery and Coffee. The Ice Cream consultant had come in from Fort Worth and spent the day teaching us (the manager and assistant managers.. um yah apparently Im one of those!!) how to run the machine and different recipes. It was a fun but long day. 9-5. Literally. The craziness of opening a store ensued. The electrician n came to fix the espresso machine. I talked to the seller on the phone to figure it out. I got it turned on and heating up when the ELECTRICIAN decided she needed to move the machine. That cracked a pipe and it stopped working. This is a five thousand dollar italian machine. There are no manufacturers in texas to fix it in three days. SOOOOO we called the supplier again and the other asst manager had to drive to and from FW to bring it back tonight to be hooked up tomorrow so i can FINALLY start running recipes. Ugh. Well so the day was spent learning ice cream stuff. The machine is easy and the ice cream is AMAZING. man. Im gonna be FAT.

So the fun continued for hours untill about three oclock in the afternoon when the plumbers came to fix the ice machine and turned off a water valve that happened to also be connected to the ice cream machine we were about to run another batch through. Well twenty minutes later after the plumber had left.. the ice cream machine wasnt working. We called suppliers and technicians. It wasnt fixed when I left but will be.. apparently.. tomorrow. So Third Rock Creamery and Coffee has neither the former or the latter.. and we open on wednesday. Umm. wow.. BUT all will come together in the end. I trust that it will.

It has been a bewildering day. An eye opener. But a great light is at the end of so many tunnels..

I am excited to return to work tomorrow and continue the adventure.. for now.. sleep.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

A blank day...

Have you ever woken up and wished the day you were beginning would not exist. Not that you want to die, but just that you wish it would be the next day already. That was today. After a long night of not great sleep I woke up and turned off my alarm. At about 10am I woke up again and forced myself to get ready to take a shower and wait for the call from my boss saying I could come in to work. Its not often you are eagerly awaiting that call. Well I got the call as I turned on the water for my shower. It was not the call I expected. Rather the shipments of coffee and other things we would need for the day wouldnt be there til tomorrow, Thursday. Well I chuckled and said "no problem, see you tomorrow". And slumped. I turned off my shower threw my pjs on again.. ehem.. and then fell asleep again. This time I slept relatively well until about 1pm. Due to paws and meows I finally got up and made my self presentable to the world. Not that I presented myself to it.. I didnt. Instead the day was spent setting up my schedule board, eating crappy steak express, and attempting to Oxy away the nasty stains on my carpet. Fun.

Well all of my chores were done hours ago so now I am watching Smallville and sending weird messages to Brooke who I am jealous of for being at work.

Its strange. I know that it is probably not the best use of my day.. you know wishing it didnt exist... but I am so anxious for having something to do. Idleness is not my cup of tea. Patience isn't either. Maybe because I am so excited about this job God is teaching me a lesson. I don't know. All I know is that my dreams were all about coffee last night and they were restless. I am nervous. Noone should feel nervous to be a coffee barista, but I am. Like I said yesterday, I feel like this job is going to make or break my dream. Basically if I end up hating it I dont know what I will do..find a different dream.. or maybe keep going with my dream and assume it will be different when I am fulfilling God's will for me.

Here is a little nugget to chew on for those of you who are curious:

Connecting missions with real life is something that will always be incredibly valuable to me. I grew up in a youth group that tried its best to follow up on mission trips and other acts of service. Unfortunately there was never a real tie between the foreign countries we served and our lives as highschoolers. So how do we make the tie. That tie is what awakes our desire to help those in need, those around the corner and those in the far corners of the world. Win Build Equip Send was the motto for our youth group in highschool. My youth pastor did a great job doing the first three, but in order for the equipped to be sent, that connection must be made mentally and spiritually. A person needs to see the eyes of the person their life choices affect. Serving those who sew the clothes we wear, loving the children who live on the wages their parents make from those jobs, and opening opportunities for improving the lives of both. So how do we do that? Well I dont know exactly quite yet. But my vision is to find it. And my dream is big.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Hotter than Hades.

So it is January 3 and it is 90 degrees outside. HOLLY CRAPP! yes craziness.

So I havent posted in well.. awhile.. so here I am.

My new years was fantastic. Brooke Jules and I went to IHOP for dinner at about 11pm. Brooke and I made it back to her place by the dropping of the ball and hung out making fun of stupidface Haley Duff while silently enjoying her music and being jealous. The past few days has been full of girl lunches, sleeping through church, Mona Lisa Smile, and Coffee. Yes Coffee.

SO MUCH COFFEE. Actually I havent gotten to the point of consuming it yet. I start that tomorrow. This week I have been putting together my training packet for next week when I Phyllis Chill train the employees on how to operate an espresso machine and create beautiful jitter starters.

Im kind of perplexed by the position I have been put in. One I havent actually made an espresso drink since 2 summers ago. Two I have never really been the one to know the ins and outs of the machine, that was all taken care of by management or corporate. And Three I have never worked at a privately owned cafe. All of this leads me to the conclusion that this is going to be an adventure. I am caught up in a fairly complicated but interesting situation.

The other part that kind of freaks me out is that this is preparing me for my future dream. Yes that dream that I have yet to mention on my blog despite its overtaking of my mind and thought process. This is the dream that has invoked a hope and desire to succeed and depend on God cuz there aint NO way I could ever do it by myself. Lydia, my darling, I hope still aspires to be my partner in this dream although I will be quite understanding if God takes her in another direction. Im stalling. I really am. It is one thing to talk and dream about something. It is quite another to confess it and type it out in front of me. I dont want to jinx it. I really dont.

This is a dream that has only just become something conceivable in my eyes. It has always been in the background as a fallback if I never know what I want to be when I grow up. I have always wanted to make a difference in the world. To build great relationships but most importantly influence people, especially youth and college students, to be world changers themselves. In my eyes there is no better way to change the world than multiply yourself into hundreds of world change focused youth. The church of tomorrow, the church of today. Man.

So my dream. Do I dare confess it? Do I? I fear the rejection of my peers as well as my family. Although I already have so many supporters in my mom, sister and even my aunt who I love dearly for literally giggling and bubbling with excitement when I told her. Much better than the horrible answer and discouragement I got from other parts of my family. Although they really never got to see the vision and Im not sure they would approve of it if they did. Either way. Its my dream.. and its a big one.

Because of this dream I have been thinking about stephen a lot lately. Not because I want to get back together with him, but because we dreamed a lot together. We would spend hours talking things through, ideas, hopes, questions what have you. I miss that. I wish I could sit down with him and talk this through for hours. I dont think thats possible. but maybe. Thank God for Brooke who brings up my dream daily to remind me its possible, and its a great dream.

I dont think I will divulge my dream just yet. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. Maybe in ten years when it has come true. Until then. Be praying and keep your eye out for it. You'll know it when you see it.. You'll know it when you feel its effects on the worldchangers of today.

God only you have the power and the might to do this. You planted this dream in my head. Give me the vision, drive and confidence to follow through with something for once in my life.