Sunday, March 30, 2008

Stomach Flu

To add insult to injury- I have the stomach flu. I can't keep anything down. Sad day. But on a lighter note I feel better about life today. I feel hopeful and ok about things.

On the Cusp.

Sometimes hitting rock bottom is the best thing for you. Last night really felt like it, but you know what? The one thing Ive learned about rock bottom is that sometimes it can be a catalyst for change. I really want and need to change some things in my life. There are some things that are going incredibly well for me- unexpected support from people I barely know or haven't known for awhile, art becoming a daily product, classes, family etc. But there are other things going on right now that are inexplicably destructive. I won't blog about them- but it came to my attention last night that I really need to give up a few things. The biggest is my need to be in control of my life, my emotions and my image. I'm giving them up.. and I do mean that directionally. As in giving them UP to God. I can't do it anymore. I shouldn't have tried in the first place but it is my nature. I am so so SO grateful to Him that I am in a place where shame isn't an option, where I am allowed my mistakes and rock bottoms without the world falling to pieces and all integrity eternally lost. It is odd to find both peace and instability in the "world". I find my friends here to be so much more accepting of growth, backslides and really LEARNING. Despite that, I am ready to come home. I mean that in so many ways. I need home in the sense of finding myself in God's hands again, I need home in my faith family, I need home in who I am and more importantly the person I have been working to be for so many years.

Last night was dark.. it was not the me I want to be. Im done escaping.

Friday, March 28, 2008

I finally got a lead on a "possible" apartment opening. Whether or not it works out it is nice to atleast have SOMETHING to follow through with.

I felt super yucky today.. throat nasty and coughy.. I fear I am getting Cici and Kiera's cold- hopefully I'll beat it into submission with sleep and liquids.


10am TSA Clearness meeting
3pm Prison Industrial Complex Abolition mtg for my class with Ken
5pm Austine School: Academic Bowl
after: Keene, dancing, escaping on campus parties post VooV

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Things I need:

Apartment in GH preferably downtown, 1br 350/mo, accepts pets.

Summer Job: Barnes and Noble is fine, but i need hours. A management position at Jumpin Java or somewhere downtown would be perfection

InternshipS: LEDA hasn't called me yet, Russ and I need to hammer out some things.

Summer to get here-someone to do all my projects, and a big hug.

Guitar Lessons, someone to sing harmony with, and some free time.

Things I want:

My dad's interview in China to go swimmingly- he deserves it.

Frisbee to start

Me not to be nervous about saturday and possibly seeing Josh for the first time since that crazy ass weekend.

Youth group to heal itself before I get there.

LEDA to call me. I want to work with them.

Phil to move to MI with me (I fear it is just words) and for Daniel to visit us.

The Mexico trip to happen.

Creative year

So this year is so new and fresh for me.. I have been on this create create CREATE! buzz that I am loooving.. whether it be writing, paper stuff, music, whatever I don't know what is going on but it feels like coming home. I am having a great March and excited for April.. I am pumped to go home and be able to be immersed in art and music again with youth group stuff and just having time again to breathe and work and play! Hurrah!

Can I just say that I am incredibly anxious for my first Lake Michigan Sunset in years.. man man. I am a Pisces.. I need water... like NOW.

Monday, March 24, 2008

The fix

After much deliberation, some tissues and sticky dots:

Sunday, March 23, 2008

So Easter.

I went to Keene and took a pitstop at borders. I wanted to check out the bargain section. I left with a 3dollar journal, a puzzle, and Marie Claire.

On the way home my guts called me to Chesterfield Gorge parking lot, and me my cameras (with unknown to me dying batteries) and my slippery chucks slid down a few trails to the "gorge"/creek to snap a few before the death of batteries.. It was beautiful.

I stopped by rite aid to pick up some batteries and a few other needs... When I got home before even getting in the door I slipped down the slope and took some pics at the creek. Again forewarning I am not used to my camera yet.. but this is what I came up with..

Saturday, March 22, 2008


Have you ever heard the term C-E-Os? Well it means Christmas and Easter Onlys. Aka people that only go to church for those specific holiday. I have realized this week that I am really the opposite. For some reason I loathe going to "church" on Christmas and Easter. There is something about the fakeness of the majority of people that come- and the daggers from the eyes of those that have been going all year.. I don't know. I guess to me going to church on christmas and easter is my reminder how so many "so-called christians" "lukewarm live-ers" there are in a church, my church, our church, their church. It makes the meaning of xmas and easter wanting more. So I usually skip church. I am thinking that this year I am going to start a new tradition for myself.. although I haven't yet decided what it is. I really want to be in nature. Maybe climb to an overlook, a peak, a place to see the city and ponder how many souls he sacrificed for in just this view alone. I don't know but I know that (outside of still being too nervous to go to church due to the awkwardness of josh and I) I don't want to go to Agape, or any other church this week. I do however want chocolate.

Weird note: as I sit here my vision is doing something weird. there is a section of my vision that is all watery.. like when you laugh so hard you spit or spill on the tv and it distorts the image. This has happened a view times and I really hate it. I don't know if it is just something because i just woke up, or my contacts, whatever.. weird!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Lazy Daze. PJs. Heroes Craze. Marshmallow Phase. Chicken and Maize. Hopefully Pays. Too Many Mays. I love Fridays.

Let the good times roll..

Last night was beer olympics at the Railroad in Keene.. but apparently its every week so it wasn't as busy as Kiera, Katy, Liz and I thought. It was actually pretty low key night, which is good cuz this morning I am realizing that the work I have to do for my afternoon class is more than I thought. We had a really good night. Played a few games of pool, which Katy and Kiera lost because TWICE Katy knocked in the eight ball riiiight at the end. It was awesome. There was only one game of beer pong, and we ALLL sucked so we stopped cuz the ball kept flying everywhere. We had some fun aka bursting dollar bottle budlight from us in laughter convos.. We saw and yucked up our favorite bartenders. I think that might be our favorite part is that all of the bartenders are pretty amazing. We threw a bunch of music on the jukebox and had our own mini dance party.. the sucky part was that we only got through 8 of our 12 songs because they had to turn it off at last call. The other weird part was that around that same time people started getting weird.. I said blame the full moon on the first day of spring. Weirdos. There were near fights but nothing spectacular. I think a baby's momma kicked out a baby's daddy.. which was intriguing. I cheered on the mavs- which was dangerous because they were playing the celtics and my arse would have been kicked back to sunday if the barfolks knew it. I got a call from Daniel- making me jealous of his being Ultimate.. that is what you said right? I couldn't hear you but I'll listen to the message today :p sorry I had to go so suddenly, my turn was up in pool. Kiera sang ALLLLL the words to Shoop and Whattaman.. There was an accident on the highway on the way home because where keene got noo snow, brat got like 2 inches. We had to slam the brakes and almost ended up in a ditch ourselves... meanwhile RunDMC and Snoop were playing loudly from my sneakers as we jammed out oldschool. hahaha. Didn't look like there were injuries and we were all grateful for that. Last night I was like maybe I WILL go out again this weekend.. but I decided no... I need a weekend in, to chill and read my book. and oh wait.. STUDY.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

My body hurt today. A lot. Phil has caught me a couple times wincing while I sit, shifting, massaging my legs. I startled myself today because I realized that it has become regular. Not just an every few days thing, but an every day thing. Is it just habit? Is it my posture? Is it not stretching? Is it the chairs? I was startled because I thought of Amber. I saw her in my actions and it made me panic. Number one I know I am one of the worst hypochondriac panickers. Ask my mom and sister. I think they laugh at me with my ailments. Despite that.. you can't blame me for wondering with our family's issues.. Anyway.. I will say that the stretching and rubbing has helped by back muscles. I can actually feel my lower spine now.. before it was so pulled forward (like towards my stomach because my hips were tilted in by my bad sitting posture over all these years) that I couldnt feel the lower spine near my sacrum. it was hidden under tightened muscles.. Despite that my circulation hates our desks, my hips still hate my classroom posture and four hours is too much to handle. Either way.. i don't see myself going to the doc for it because no matter how much I hurt.. I don't think it is more serious than just being a lazy unhealthy eater.. and despite that my mom and sister will always hurt more..

I am from:

Block parties and barbecues

Forts in the woods, lava tag

Coast guard Carnival, and freshwater beaches.

Sage, Tarot and my dreams mean everything.

I am from divorces, and almost remarriages.

4 moves in three years, 19 overall.

I am perpetually packing for tomorrow.

I am from:

New brothers and sisters, a family through faith.

Worship with your every pore and musical beach-night bonfires

I am from “Could I be a leader?” to “Of course you can.”

I am Philippians’ starry skies and Jeremiah’s uncovered plans.

I am from the great “I AM”, his hands, and plans despite life’s spite.

I am from:

Car accidents, cancer, death and most of all deliverance.

Funerals, tragedy, tears and hugs.

I am from amber's steroid treatments, mom's ever present pneumonia.

Coughing phone calls, and transparent “I’m fines” and “It will be ok’s”

I am from the Lord’s fortress; my Rock and security.

I am from blurring lines and escaping the pain,

Scapegoats and denial, anger, inaction and rebellion.

Yet I am from the place where my Rock never moved.

I am from:

Lifting my eyes up and moving forward.

Applications and acceptance, Lonestar love and longhorns pride.

Moving boxes, potluck roommates, and ultimate Frisbee.

I am from a cappella every day, máte in the morning, and Candombe.

I am from brown dirty faces, and clambering hands, barbed wire playgrounds

Cardboard walls, and “no the showers aren’t heated, its 110 today”.

I am from lead by action, not by words, and serving at the feet.

I am from:

Hope despite.

I am from looking inward and loving outward.

I am from family is more than blood,

It is hoping together in the light, while still in the dark.

Today was a pretty long day.

I woke up to no time for a shower after a long night of nightmares (thanks to Daniel for the prayers and the check-up text today. It is nice to have someone to send those texts to again.. sorry to burden you with it).. death dreams have been recurring a lot in the past few weeks, especially but funeral attendance is a new one. I don't like it.. there are assumptions involved there. It was encouraging to see friends there, but I still don't know whose funeral it was. It was weird to not know.. even in the dream I waited for them to open the casket but they never did, like I wasn't supposed to know who it was.. so I just wondered and I was possibly more scared than when it was my own death in my dreams.

Class this morning was good.. we shared our "I am from" poems, which I am reluctant to post because it really is a pretty personal exposé. I dont know if it will offend or scare people.. who knows. It was hard to read the poems of the other students in the class.. I connected at so many levels with the hope and despair.. It was hard to read about other people and see myself in their words, the many things I didn't include in my poem, that I chose to omit, to hide, to fear. In the group I shared that my poem didn't fully portray who I am, only slices of me. Like crosssecting me and seeing the day they died, or the night he left, or the morning she called. Those moments say a lot but they will never say it all, they may show despair but in them was more hope than ever. So I explained that my poem should be a catalyst for exploration and questions rather than a blanket of understanding. I didn't want people to assume that the words on the page said it all.. they just opened windows for more. I would rather people ask about my story than read between the lines..

Pop/NFed meeting was great today: we designed our training and it is amazing. I want to implement it like now. Maybe I'll post some of it and show you the kind of work I want to do.

Ed for SJ was also good tonight... Bill Holiday came to talk to us today.. he is a high school teacher at the high school in town and he is amazing. He pretty much proved to us today that the assassinations of kennedy and king were setups, hahah.. it was awesome. He said he presents both sides.. far right and far left... to his kids so they can sift through it all and find their place.. rather than teaching from a text that MUST teach the middle so it can be sold to EVERYONE.. He invited us to visit his class any time.. I'll be going next week.. I want to see him teach his kids.

You know me and God
He's gotta rock my world to open my eyes

Brokenness is my Portal
to clarity and understanding

I'll take it"

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I don't take compliments well. What I mean by that is that when someone compliments me I tend to crack a joke, dismiss it, or completely internalize it as if it was a proposal in itself. haha.

The other day a friend of mine said that my necklace matched my green eyes. For some reason it never occurred to me that people actually notice my eyes being green. Probably because as most of you know I vehemently avoid eye contact unless I feel connected to someone. This is something I have been working on because I find that people will open up to me more if I give them sincere, but not creepy, eye contact.

Anyway.. moving on.. it made me laugh because it felt like one of those sappy movie moments.. my heart fluttered *he noticed*. Whats the funniest about this is that it doesn't really matter.. he isn't someone I am interested in, although he is fun to joke around with, and pretty damn funny. Despite that we are from two different worlds and we both know it so I guess thats why it is fun and ok.

Sometimes when I make realizations like this I go wayyyy too deep and connect it to crazy complicated events in my life. I am not going to do that.. as I am also not going to relate his comment to a proposal. I think he would shat his pantalones. HAHAH.

Friend, if you are reading this and know who you are... no worries :p but thanks for the pick me up!

On a side note... it is a beautiful day.. so I went tanning :)

Monday, March 17, 2008

I like today.

It has been a few weeks.. but I can officially say that today was a good day. I don't know what it was about it exactly. I slept in, read some jodi picoult for class.. which it is actually turning out to be a book I am enjoying. She is a pretty great writer. I am impressed. My dorky side ordered a bunch of Anne McCaffrey books for my mom and I on She got me hooked on this sci fi series and it has sort of become my escape. I have read this trilogy a thousand times I swear but I still love it. Can you detect my evasiveness in owning up to the actual series? It is pretty startrek of me. hahah.

I played a bit of guitar.. as proved in the previous post. I get so frustrated because I just cant for the life of me get a few chords that are integral in a lot of the songs I want to play. I can play all the chords in as the deer (using Em for B cuz that one kills me) but the chord changes are super rough and I don't even know if I have the timing right.. I am not even to the point of strumming yet.. arg. Either way it was nice to be doing music again. I have some lyrics floating around in my head Id like to play around with. Maybe I can find some people this summer who want to do some musicky things.

I had some great convos last night with people I miss dearly. Namely: Phil, Lydia, and Daniel.

Phil: I cannot wait for this summer and to get to chill with you again. I miss our days of mac and cheese and salsa, yucking it up, and whatever the hell else we did. what was that?

Lydia: Glad to hear you are doing well and thanks for listening to me rant about everything with youth group and stuff. I hope I get to see you in the near future. Maybe if I make it out to texas this summer I'll swing by. haha.. I hope so!

Daniel: Oh man. Convos last night were a big encouragement. I am pumped for you to come on the Mexico trip and everything else going on with you. I am glad you feel purpose in your life despite not having any long term plans. Thanks for always being such a good friend despite my completely forsaking you for a year :p Cuidate y dios te bendiga!

I was thinking the other day.. that

I need to start to figure out this damn camera. I have had this new digital for months and it drives me nuts because my pics turn out all blurry. Now obviously I knew this one would. but the point is I wanted to play. So I found my b/w setting today. and these are a few that I liked from the exploration. The one above is a good representation for how the last few months/weeks of my life have felt. Only part of me in focus, and definitely hiding.
This just made me laugh. Where the hell did my head go?

And in ode to Daniel and Phil. I picked up the guitar. I am playing "As the deer" slowly and poorly in this photo. Oh wow I look awkward. my wrist looks broken :)

Saturday, March 15, 2008


The girls

chillin at the farm




For KnitOwl.. a peek into my world of pets that I miss dearly :(

So this is Ada and Z from left to right.. when they were wee kittens... well big kittens.. I don't know where all my pics of them went but they are my girls. They are on the farm with mom right now and I am hoping to take them off her hands when I get an apartment. Last time I did that it was a disaster and they were very stressed about where my old apartment was. I think it was all the bullcats roaming outside that made them pretty territorial. They were very busy marking my apartment all year and it was not pretty. Despite that it was amazing having animals again. They are cuddle buddies and also love to interrupt your reading. Ada is tortoise shell grey with some yellow and white splotches all over, I'll find a better picture of her... She has a hoity toity attitude sometimes that makes me laugh. Very standoffish at first but loves to relax and gets very curious. Z is the cuddle monster. She will be on your lap in a second especially if there is a book to bother. she would sit directly on my textbooks while I was studying. I was often quite grateful for the excuse. They both love to sleep in sinks and on heaters. Their favorite hideouts are boxes and high places. They are mouser cats on the farm as far as inside goes. Ada was an in/out cat at my apartment but not at the farm. Z never really wanted to go out.. I think she was afraid to get her hair dirty.. :)
This is a pic of the goats a few years ago.. Its always a relaxing gorgeous place to be. Congrats on the new babies mom/grandma!
This is Brooke's dog EmmaLea. Congrats to brooke as today is her wedding day, and shout-out to Daniel who called me during the wedding so I could hear the music.. :) He rocks.

This is Jack. I miss my big puppy.. aka Megan's dog... I lived with Emma and Jack last year and as much as living with puppies was sometimes a bit much, it was nice to have animals around. and Jack gives great hugs.

Now I am off to figure out where my pics of the cats went.. it might be on my webshots..

Friday, March 14, 2008

So at about 1:30am I check my email.. I got an email from Veronica, the girl I give a ride to ASL.. and I realize.. OH CRAP today was thursday.. and I never went to class.. aka I didn't give her a ride either. So I emailed Ina.. I missed a freakin test. So who even knows if I will pass the class now. Dangit. Good thing it isn't going to stop me from graduating.. I really wanted to be there though.. bummer.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

More Popups

This one is finished.. it is my scene "two"
This is my scene three, but it isn't totally finished. There are some touchups to do and I still have to add the verse.
This started as my scene three but it was too "bright" once I finished it. i haven't decided what to do with it quite yet.

I have been "commissioned" to do a card for a dormmate of mine. Uhh.. should be interesting :) I'll let you know how it goes

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Today is an exhausting day and despite really wishing to go to this class tonight.. my brain stopped functioning awhile ago. I think I am fighting a cold, and I just feel like a wreck. I am going to go crash tonight, and reclaim the sleep I have lost this week.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

cell phone pics btw.. all i had on me.

Me and my childhood. Now this is only the first "scene". My entire "who I am" is more than just my childhood.. just wait for the rest of them.. :)

The writing is the first section of what is apparently a poem but it feels more like listing.

This is my boxes and books. hard to read.. sorry good luck squinting. bwa ha ha.
my BBQ looks tasty. Yes there is cheddar on those burgers. No I don't know what kind of veggie that is.
I really thought it was tasty. yum.


My fingers are covered in glue.. which makes typing sort of odd.. As many of the dormmates know I have been on a creation kick. I find that when I am stressed out I have the need to be creative and make fun things like little pipe cleaner friends or something as intricate as tonight..

For our TSA class we are writing and explaining poems we are writing about "where we are from". SO it gave me a great idea. I have missed making popups since the Fox and the Rooster extravaganza so I went to michaels and stocked up. Fun paper of all sorts, this really cool paper cutter thing.. and all sorts of pens. I have made my first "scene" and i am about to get to the hard part of the second scene. Aka my layout is cut, backdrops set, I just need to add in the "popped" parts. Unfortunately this scene includes people.. which I am horrible at. But maybe this book will help my skills and such. coming soon

Saturday, March 08, 2008

A good week. No seriously.

So this week was an odd mixture of good things and lots of stressful reading. Which is why I am about to leave for Panera and get my reading done EARLY this time cuz doing 5 hours of reading before class starts at 8 the next morning got so old. Anywhosawhatsit. the things that happened that made my week:

Going out dancing last night with everyone:
Salsa. Cici. Katy. good times. Dancing with a guy who had rhythm. Too bad he was a really big pansy, and a bit sketchy. hahah.All of you know I don't often dance "with" guys. My two exceptions are salsa and guys who can actually dance. He was good at dancing in general and "leading" partner dancing a bit. I am against the bump and grind. It is just gross.

Finding LEDA online:
I found an organization online that I want to work with. They are the Diversity Alliance that is in charge of diversity day at GHHS which is funny because I always thought that was so inneffective. It was too easy to block it out, get hostile, etc. Despite my experiences with the org I want to work with them, at the very least volunteering, at the most interning or working there as part of my RPP. Who knows? Maybe I can be a part of diversity day next year :)

Phil is moving to Michigan to split an apt with me this summer.

People are amazing and I did end up having a great birthday.

I got my resume finished and sendable.

My classes are going to be awesome.. it is weird we are about to start week three.. i need to get packing!

My Community, and coalition class is going to new orleans the last weekend in May!! Woot!

and many more.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

GelFX crayons are amazing.

Yes its true.

Foiled again.

Today is the day of getting stuff done.

Laundry, meetings, homework, register for a class, take back movies, write a paper, eat, watch american idol from last night, mail stuff etc.

The mail lady took my cash cuz she couldnt take a credit card so I cant do my laundry. I could only find 4 of the 8 AI videos online. I read part of my reading, wrote my ASL paper and paragraphs for Ed for SJ, registered, took back movies, and mailed stuff. HURRAH> so close.. but I still have a ton of homework and very few clean clothes.

Giant step: Josh and I had civil emails today. It was a relief. Maybe someday things will settle again.. the space has helped a lot. And all of the catharsis.

PS> Bryant sent me a birthday present: a candle- in the shape of a poinsettia.. and it cost 11 bucks to ship cuz it was so huge and heavy, plus it busted the package. We set it in the middle of my popular non formal education class, lit it, and laughed as it just sat there all ugly and wonderful. I felt honored to join the weird gift tradition :)

Wednesday, March 05, 2008


I have been in class all day. I made it to my room finally and all I want is a nap. but I can't. because gradschool's foot is up my arse with work to do. I spent all of last night reading and I still felt so unprepared for classes today. I don't have class (except ASL) until friday, but I have two heavy classes that I haven't started working for yet. and tomorrow is chock full of group meetings, RPP info session, ASL and death. Yes its true.


Here's to making up a two page paper about deaf culture because I don't have anything to talk about these days.

I agree with layli that today was a melancholy but not depressing day. I like rainy days too. There is something calming about the fact that nature can mimic my mood... sad, but joyful. happiness isn't always smiles and sunshine. it can be the nitty gritty. I also love when the sun comes out. I realized today that there is something powerful when you notice how much more you appreciate the sun when it is trying to peek through the clouds rather than a sun in a clear sky. you know? its like you want to struggle alongside the sun.. same goes for the moon. Although clear night skies are some of my favorite times in my life.

MY alltime favorite moment in life:

Running out to the pier at night with friends, watching the moon reflect off the lake as we pier jump into the warm summer lake. Running in wet jeans back to the church where we change into pjs and watch movies all night on the big screen downstairs. Great times.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Lately, my dad and I have been on the same wavelength. The past few years have felt like an uphill battle with him professionally. I have always sort of felt a negativity from him towards the things I am passionate about. I understand that I have not always had a clearly defined direction, but I always knew the type of lifestyle I wanted to live, and I knew a lot of things I DIDN"T want to do.

Tonight we had a conversation that has sort of earmarked our new journey together as father and daughter. He is looking for a new job, I am in the midst of my own career development. I feel like he is truly appreciating my passion and work ethic, understanding that who I am reflects what I want to do, and respects that I am working hard to gain the skills and education to be an effective and successful (by my own definition) human being.

It is a liberating feeling to break free of something I have resisted and dreaded. I have always known that my dad has had the best intentions for me, and that he never truly resented my beliefs and values. I know that we all have flaws, and that often we don't always know how to express and manifest certain things.. He and I have had an odd, rocky relationship. Yet we can always laugh and know that there is a consistency in our bond as father-daughter. I think I project a lot of anger onto him sometimes, and I tended to assume the worst for many years. I just hope he knows that I do love him, appreciate the support over the years, and I have only done what I knew would make me happy and fulfilled in the end... because I knew that thats really what he wants for me..

Monday, March 03, 2008

PETA would be unhappy with my youth group. I love them.

I heart David Archuleta


I got sunburned today. I went tanning. I think sometimes weird things in life really show me lessons about how relationships with people work. Now if you know me.. you understand that I am super into stretching metaphors until noone but me understands them anymore. So here goes.

My sunburn:

Getting my sunburn was the best experience. It was warm and felt great. I went in knowing I should probably wear some sunblock, especially for certain areas.. like my tattoo :-p I didn't because I was lazy. At about 13 minutes I realized you know what.. I'm feeling a little toasty, but I had put the fan on high and it was cooling me off just enough so I didn't realize what was happening. Finally time was up, the thing turned off and I got out. I felt warm, but a little tight.. Like my skin was dry a bit. I could already see that I had been affected by the light of the bed, and I should have gotten out at 13 minutes before any real damage was done. I think the bed had different bulbs than I was expecting.. stronger this time.. it was still a relaxing 15 minutes.. but man am I feeling it now.

My face is a bit pink, my ass is apple red, and only half of my calves are burnt, but enough to hate my jeans as I walked home. Sitting at panera and then trying to study hurt. I scratched and itch and it hurt like crazy. The burn is affecting every inch of me, everything I do. I can't focus, its on my mind that I feel like I am heating up the entire room by body heat alone. I have my bottle to soothe the pain, but lotion can only do so much. I fear tomorrow and wondering if people will notice. Mostly I fear people will hug me and I will flinch because it will hurt. I know they are doing it for the right reasons but it still hurts.

Was the pain and frustration worth the 15 minutes of relaxation and warm bliss? Honestly? I have conflicting answers. Burns leave lasting damage- I wish I had gotten out earlier.. but I don't think I regret it. How was I supposed to know the bulbs were stronger than last time? And who knew the difference between medium and high on the fan would change my perception of the whole experience. Next time will I stay in for the full fifteen? probably...

So.. now is the time for the world to read this and try to decipher what the hell it is I am really talking about. haha.. whats funny is that I already know that Josh is reading into it every negative possibility that makes him the bad guy. He can criminalize himself. I didn't say anything on this blog that wasn't my own honest feelings. And yeah.. it is a free country.. and this is my blog.. I can express whatever the hell I want. I can make him out to be a dog if it makes me feel better.. because this blog is meant to be my own catharsis.. my own truthy mess of feelings and experiences. Just be glad you don't have the http for my other blog. You would crap your pants if you read the rawness of emotion in that baby. which is why it is mine.. because I already know that this blog requires a sense of "filter" and "censor" so as not to alienate myself from all the people who have f*cked me over, hurt me, or just simply annoyed the hell out of me.. as well as the people who I am completely and utterly in love with and worried about.

(PS. People need to stop asking about josh.. but more importantly asking "why" we broke up... I don't have the answer they want to hear and its not their business anyway. The exception goes to the JW ladies who have been amaaazzzing.. Your hugs.. even the painful ones.. mean the world)


I went to target today.. after Panera.. and school supplies were on sale. Made me think of brooke, and I bought a bunch of them.. they were like a buck each and super cute. I figured I can keep an eye out for things that might be useful next year.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Church at Kens

Last night was a relaxing night. I had written a big long post, trying to get some things off my chest and thank friends who were so great friday. I once again apparently made Josh out to be something he doesn't agree with.. sorry if thats how you feel and you are probably right. Either way kid, the post was about how I FELT in the relationship, it wasn't meant to be accusatory, or a statement of your character. And yeah.. you were more invested in it. And no, this relationship isn't happening again. Be a big boy, and move on. Ok that was a bit mean.. but its getting to a point where I don't want to be nice any more, I don't want to lead anyone on anymore. So. Thats that. See?? I already feel guilty again and we aren't even together. Arg.

Today I went with a group of people to a church in uhhh.. i don't remember the name of the city, it was by holyoke, ma. It was a pretty traditional church, but the woodwork and windows were pretty? The best part of the day was afterwards when we went to his house to eat caribbean food prepared by him and his wife. They are from Barbados.. and Trinidad? I think.. AMAZING. I am still full 5 hours later. His daughter was sweet and the discussions and fellowship was fun. I am excited for next time when Varghese cooks chicken Marsala. Ive heard great things about his indian food.

One of the many sad things about this miserable breakup is that I doubt we'll be playing frisbee at Austine. I don't think I could handle seeing Josh in a context where we will both be competitive. I promise it won't turn out well.. too much bitterness right now. Its sad really.. maybe someday we'll grow up... emphasize the "WE" on that in order to not criminalize myself once again. Maybe the keene kids are around playing snowbee or icebee. I am ready for mudbee once the snow melts and super stoked for this summer to play!

PS. PHIL JACOBS SHOULD MOVE TO MICHIGAN THIS SUMMER AND BE MY ROOMMATE.. Come on Roommate Phil. Thats your name.. you know you want to..

I was looking at apartment listings the other day. it is looking like it will be about 450-700 for a one bedroom apartment.. which is something I won't be able to afford until loan money comes in in the fall. I can put living expenses down on fafsa for loans and such. but until august.. yikes.. thats a high rent for not having a fulltime job... I'll probably be working at Barnes and Noble and getting a second job to make cash this summer. SO PHIL SHOULD COME HANG OUT AND SPLIT RENT WITH ME> YET IT IS TRUE> YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO

Phil and I have this crazy cool relationship. We have been friends for five years, and the last few have been some of my favorite college times. He and brandon really became my stability the last year, and I loved our times out geocaching, playing some bee, and just chilling out in general. Our many talks, the three of us, in the Pink Room until 3 in the morning. Phil and I's trek out from Phillie. Its true that I almost throttled him over nothing once we made it to my sisters.. but there is a difference being stuck in a teeny blue car with someone for three days, than having your own space, jobs, and things to do.. RIGHT? hahahah... COME ON PHIL!!

I think Cici is planning something for my bday tonight. I got a text from someone today that asked about my "shindig" at 10.. uhhh.. I know not of what you speak.. talk to CICI.. was my response.. hahah.. oh well.. I love them all.. and I really don't know anything yet. I'll keep you posted.

Tomorrow I'll be heading out to keene after going tanning in the mornin g(ahhhh..) to get allll my work done. hurrah.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

And this is why I didn't post honestly before. I don't want to "air the laundry". sorry to everyone.