Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Our Mid year retreat offering.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Decisions.

In the process of making some pretty big decisions right now regarding my immediate future. I know it will include El Paso for the time being, graduating earlier than expected, and later than hoped. It will include making big job decisions, and growing up a lot and just a little bit. Confusing? Yes. Good? Yes. I feel like I am finally starting to see what I want to be doing with my life, what I enjoy and what I DON'T enjoy. So I will update you soon enough. Thank you to all who have been keeping an eye out :?)

Feliz Navidad!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Big Things

Some pretty amazing stuff has been happening in my life. I have met some pretty freakin phenomenal people in the last few months, my mom sounds so happy, my sister is doing well, and no fires recently for our family.. It has been great. This past week went by so quickly. I don't believe tomorrow is Friday and I have to study!!! I'll be spending the whole day in a cafe once again trying desperately to catch up. and then we have our team exmas partay!! WOOOOOOT! It will be fun. On saturday the kids comedor has a xmas party, and we might be eating a xmas dinner cooked by my favorite Mexican Mexican ... Nasser Moreno.. Ujuuuu!! at pastor's house as well. It shall be a blast.

Updates: I still don't know about my shoulder surgery. BOO. BUT the lady at the Ortho place is on it.. she hasn't been slacking so thats helpful. The problem is on the end of Workers comp. But coolness lies in the Ortho lady because she said she has called almost every day, and if she doesn't have an answer back from the guy tomorrow she is going to call his supervisor. oooooohhhh.. Praise the Lord for people who want to do their job well and fight for their clients!!!
The bad news is the surgery won't be BEFORE break, but atleast I know stuff is cookin.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Wow. So November's over?

Welcome to December. Yuck.

Things are going well but pretty stressful right now. Doctor hasn't called me to schedule a surgery, my schoolwork is going very VERY slowly, Dad doesn't have a job again, it's been great to hang out with Nasser but stressful too since the Man is somewhat against it. Work wise though not much has changed. Mostly I just feel like I don't have time for ANYTHING. I haven't studied in like 3 weeks because of waiting for my professor to approve my topic. She did, but she changed it so now I have to start over. I was going to yesterday but Thanksgiving craziness took over. I ended up going to thanksgiving with Pastor Jorge and the family. His brother's family lives in El Paso so I crossed to Juarez at 3, went to church at 5, then we left to cross into EL Paso at like 8:30, only to leave the truck and cross by foot. Then at about midnight we finally crossed back into Juarez, only for Nasser and I to jump back in the truck to cross into El Paso again. We were in El Paso that night, then I crossed to Juarez Friday to bring him home, only to be invited to stay in Juarez Friday night. So I stayed and hung out with Eileen most of the night. Went to the comedor on Saturday morning, and finally got "home" at like 3pm on Saturday. I slept allll day until midnight, ate some food and went back to bed. CRAZY. But it ended up a pretty satisfactory Thanksgiving so I'm happy! Nuts though eh?

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Goodness.

At Kinleys. Working on newsletters. My feet are FREEZING.


Updates:

My friend Nasser from Mexico City finally moved out here and what a blast hanging out with him. It's great to have a friend in the area. He is hoping to get an apartment and find some english classes. I am learning more an more spanish everyday thanks to amazing convos with him, eileen and the women at the costura. Things are going pretty well now that the dust has settled from a pretty yucky september/october. November is looking up though!! It is crazy to think the fall semester is over though. I still don't have a paper written! Yikes! I have two weeks before I hit my paper 1 written deadline. I blame my prof for not ever saying my paper is ok. I am ready to write it out and get it done.. but its taking forever for her to let e know when I can start!!

I go for an MRI this week on my shoulder sometime so I can hear back on Tuesday whether surgery is immenant. He sounded pretty sure it would need to happen. Boo. but whatevs.

I found a frisbee league in the area I want to check out. Funny that this follows the surgery blip eh? Well I doubt the surgery would be soon and man I need to get in on some action. I am so freakin out of shape. yuck. I also found some good geocaching in the area.. hurrah.

Mom is moving! Its really happening! She got my car from Michigan and the plans are in the works! We are so excited!!!!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Progress.

Today is a Friday. That means my butt is glued to a seat in Kinleys for hours on end while I try and figure out what the smack I am doing for my papers and classes. Today.. I reached a milestone. My research is basically done in its initial needs. Meaning I no longer have to attack the UTEP library searching for a basis of my paper. I always hating going into a research paper trying to fit sources into what my paper was about. Research is about learning, finding themes, drawing conclusions based off of many sources, ideas, theories, models and seeing what fits and what doesn't. Thats what I think anyway. So I have spent the last few fridays perusing and pillaging the stacks at UTEP. Today I have finally formulated my RPQ for my advisor in hopes of approval so I can begin phase two of my first practicum paper. It has helped immensely that my other cohort folks are online and finally commenting back and forth about whats going on in their own experiences.

One such discussion led me to realize my need to design some trainings while I am here in order to make it relevant to the CLC I am in. SO due to my milestone.. I am off to start designing curriculum for some trainings I am thinking about doing. I think one of them I can do pretty easily without havint to work TOO hard. The other will be pretty extensive though so I am going to wait til I can really journal and explore what that will look like.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

My clock is ticking.

So we have this clock in our living room.. it is the bane of my existence. It is so freaking loud, and until this afternoon it was consistently 15 minutes slow causing us to almost always be late. No big deal in Mexico, but annoying to realize ever time we got their late that one or all of us had been watching the loud clock and thus we were late again. I finally just got up and changed it today. Noone had really taken the minute to do it because it is in an awkward place. To be honest I was just nervous because a cienpies had be seen there recently.. they are these HUGE millipedes that will chomp chomp chomp their way down your arm or leg or whatever it can grab and hurt like a beit. thus.. I just made the addition of ten minutes each time I looked at the clock and moved on. WELL TODAY ALL THAT CHANGED. I was so annoyed by the ticking and the lateness so I got up on the rusty old folding chair wiggled the clock off the rusty old nail in the peeling paint wall and changed it to two minutes fast. bwa ha ha! Triumph!! I know it sounds stupid but it was big.

This morning I got up early after a full nights rest and worked outside a little bit. We all alternate chores and this week was my week for outside. Little did I know God was going to bless me with such a rare occurence as rain. I'm not being facecious it was amazing. You see cleaning outside means sweeping up all the dust back to its original place until it blows back the next week. Usually you sprinkle water on the floors to keep the dust from clouding up but God helped me with my chores and sent me rain!! So I went down in a beautifully cool sprinkle of rain and did some sweeping. I filled two cardboard boxes with dirt and put them in a less annoying place so they wouldn't just go back to where it was. Now that is somewhat futile because theres more dust where that came from.. I mean its the desert people.. but still it felt good. All in all I didn't feel like I did much that directly affect us.. I mean we don't really go down in that courtyard when we don't have groups here.. its right by the bunks, but atleast now we don't look down into it from our house and say ugh.. we need to clean that some time..

Church today was great! We came in last as usual and found some seats offered to us by a woman we know next to a gentleman who was so vibrant and full of joy!! Juan was leading worship so it was joyful and exciting but also very serious and inspiring.. I love this church! It is rediculous to realize that I haven't even felt the need to church shop down here. I love the church and all of the people that go there.. A lot of the women from the Costura go there, and we know a lot of the other women and youth and kids from Saturday Kids Comedor. It was great walking in and seeing so many people I knew and had talked with many times. I was telling becky I feel more welcome and involved in this congregation than any I had ever gone too. Even First Pres. Sure youth group was home, but going to church was always horrible because I never knew anyone. I thought about working with the kids on sundays too but I realized I need the time to refill and renew, to learn and to focus on my own relationship with God and where I'm at. It is not a time for me to serve and give out.. I am doing that all week long. This week Juan and Laura are hosting some Americans who are working with the clown ministry at the Centro (Rehab). The pastor with them gave the sermon while Laura interpreted. Man I don't like interpreting!! I love listening to how people interpret though.. I learn a lot of spanish that way. By seeing and hearing someone make decisions for which words best explain or communicate what they are saying. I was surprised at some of her choices and learned some great new usable phrases.

Tomorrow begins another week and I am super excited. I head to the Costura to work with Peggy on taking pictures of her items to send to my mom via CD. I'll probably also help do some pricing and coding, and just hang out with the women. I loved seeing some of them at church this Sunday and seeing the smiles on their faces when they recognized me too. Its not that I like that theyre happy to see me.. It just feels good that they feel comfortable around me finally.

As you can tell a lot is going on and life is pretty busy. I won't lie though there is a lot going on at home with family, and I miss some of my friends and family so much. Its hard knowing that I really can only talk to people on Fridays.. I guess I can talk late at night but with the time difference it doesn't really work out well. Anyway send me an email, say hello, come visit.. whatever!!

Monday, September 29, 2008

video

The Sanson and Delila video from Kids Comedor. :)

Hello All!


For those of you I've talked to while in the border line.. this is probably what I was looking at.. this is less than a mile of road that takes about 2 hours to drive through.. yuck.

This is my roommate Becky rockin out in our living room on our NEW COUCHES!


Here's Matt (bottom) and Carlos, Carlos won this tshirt for us at a concert.. I'll post some video of it on another post in a minute.. but check out this tshirt. It supposedly says now and for some reason has an american flag. Oh AND it smells like hollister. Weird.


These are pics of the area around our house. You can see El Paso and El Asarco..


The building with the yellow bars on the windows is our house. Not a good pic yet but I'll get more tomorrow.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

I am a happy girl today. God is so incredible, so good and faithful. This week has been nuts and already its sunday... yikes! Becky and I have been house sitting for our missionary friends at night and they get back today. Our first week of ministry site stuff somewhat starts today. I am heading to the orphanage early in the morning tomorrow to try and catch the director and talk to her about what I could be doing there with them.. Today Becky has her dinner in El Paso for the folks from her church. Matt and jaci are spending the day in El Paso but I am not heading over til later this afternoon. I am going to take the day to catch up on office work, sleep and phone calls. I'll be glad for a day to myself some.. Not that I don't adore my roommates :)

Monday, September 22, 2008

Gloria A Dios!

I feel like a human for the first time in three or four days. Hurrah! I had a good day yesterday. Woke up feeling quazi yucky but had some breakfast, went to church at La Puerta with Becky. Came back afterwards to find Jaci and Matt with our two "new" couches from Savers in El Paso. Hurrah! The couches that were in here were sickdude.. like dust mites and God knows what else. Now we have nice clean new to us couches. :) Afterwards we did some bumming around before heading to site two for church. That was a blast for me. I hung out with Eileen all night talking about whatever.. messing up miserably in spanish, and watching the dudes/becky play soccer. It was a lot of fun. We came home and Becky and I played our first game of Phase 10. I might be addicted. I lost but I liked it :) Things are settling in here. We are leaving in about a minute to head to Site 4 again to talk to the pastor there about his ministry and school, then off to Site 5 to Mujer a Mujer (women's shelter) and to check out the orphanage (thats what I am interested in). We only have one more ministry to check out after this but then we will be figuring out out for sure schedules.

Well I am off on a new day.. with new intestines, new couches, and new hopes.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Sorry I haven't posted much. Things have been pretty busy, then I got the stomach bug this weekend so I have been fighting off mama mexico. yuck. I am off to church now too so I'll post later but here is a link to where my pics will be on facebook:




http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2065004&l=a4c9a&id=54600030

Thursday, September 18, 2008

First Week.

Things are going well here in Jtown. This week we have been visiting ministries and looking around to see what types of things we might be interested in doing.. I am still not quite sure what exactly I'll be doing but I am pumped about a few of the different things I have seen going on. There is a ministry down here similar to Eternal Threads that is looking to start a website.. I was thinking about figuring out how to sell via a blog because they can't afford to pay for a legit website.. well there's a guy working on one but he won't be done for awhile and I think I can figure something out with a blog and paypal.. but who knows.. I'll ask around and see what people I know are doing... maybe I can hook them up.

Well its nap time.. tired.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Alive in Juarez

Hey yo!

So things are going well and I promise I'll update more but our internet isn't working at the house so we have to go all the way to el paso to check/update email. It will be up soon I promise. We got into Juarez this past saturday.. I missed everyone but I am still adjusting to the realizatioon I'll be here for a year.. hurray!!

Friday, September 05, 2008

Adios!

Well.. tomorrow morning is the big day. I leave for my internship tomorrow morning. I'll be in Minneapolis around 10:30 tomorrow night. I am staying with Nachelle for the night, along with Brenna then we start training stuff on Sunday. I am only slightly worried I won't be able to carry all my crap. hahaha.. oh well.. I'm tough.. :) I don't know exactly when we'll be heading to Mexico but it will be in a week or so I assume. I still have a lot of reading to do before sunday but I'll have plenty of time on the train. I am super excited to tell you that Nasser is moving to Juarez/El Paso so I'll have another friend in the area. I am excited to have another "brother" there.. he's been a good friend these past few years. Speaking of friends, Daniel heads off on his wild bike ride with his dad this weekend. I haven't really heard from him this week but it looks like he's planning on going off the grid for the trip so I am not surprised. He'll definitely be in my prayers, I think God has big plans for this trip!!

I was an idiot the other night. I watched bordertown. The JLo movie about the murders in Juarez. DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL OR YOU WILL PANIC. hahah.. no it is about the factory worker serial murders that have been going on since the nineties.. doesn't really apply to me.. I won't be on buses, working in maquilas or really ever be anywhere alone like an idiot. Still it reminds me why big cities sometimes make me nervous.. for some reason I can handle the slums in mexico way more than I can handle urban chicago. I don't know why. I think I've been conditioned to see their desperation and choices differently. I was reflecting on this a little bit. I think of urban american cities, inner city violence etc as an evil/violent/angry scary... but when I think of the slums in Mexico I just think of families trying to get by with no opportunity, no light, no hope. I don't know why they seem so different.. it is the same systematic oppression, the same pipeline to poverty to prison cycle just with a different language, a different slang and under a different regime. An eye opening realization.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Duh.

So I have a hard time going into stores where people are paid on commission. You know what I mean... So is this what you want? I think you need this? You would enjoy this, this, this, and this too! Foot tapping so they can get on to the next "big fish". Yuck. I would despise that job and I get super tense when I just need to sit stare and think for an hour before making a choice..

This is what happened to me the other day. I went in to REI to buy a backpack.. I knew I wanted an internal frame pack, nothing uber fancy, something on sale preferably, I had about 150 bucks to spend and it was labor day so things were on sale. I didn't know how to size them so I needed one of those sales people but man was he a turd. No thats too much.. he was just annoying. He gave me three options.. ultralight, deluxe or the travelpack thing that I hated. I was thinking ultralight anyway so I grabbed that one.. he said I needed a medium.. handed me a small to my dismay when I got home and I ran to the front. He just kept standing there and asking me about where I was traveling, how, why, and if I had done it before. Yucking it up while I was trying to think. Didn't let me ask questions or ponder.. just kept talking and pressuring. Ugh. Typically I already know what I want and don't want when I go into situations like that.. but whatever..he was doing his job.

So now I am going back to REI.. to switch it out. I haven't decided if I want to get the same one or a different one. Man.. this is why I need a constant wingman.. hahaha.. or wingwoman.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Sup.

So I am starting a blog about this next year.. but I'm not making it public.. I love you all but its just one of those things.. hahah.. I already want to delete this blog.. but it is sort of fun to see how much of an idiot I was 4 years ago, and how much of an idiot I still am, the ups and downs. It's weird to think people could judge me on what stupid decisions I made 4 years ago.. or yesterday. but still it feels like hiding from those decisions if I delete it.. anyway.. God is doing some awesome things with my heart and ive been on the road to making some pretty substantial decisions... I think this year is a big part of it.. so I wanted to start fresh.. it isn't just another day or another experience.. but possibly the start of something new.. so I'll keep this ol regular blog.. but start with the new a bit as well.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Back to Reality..well for a few hours

Made it back from Texas. Tuesday night Daniel and I went to a concert in Fort Worth that was a blast. I had spent the day hanging out with Brooke. Doing the Target runs and shopping fun. The concert was fun... sort of a blast from the past. I didn't know any of the bands that played but they were mostly great. Only one of them made me want to pierce my own eardrums.

Wednesday was spent readin and lounging at the pool, then Daniel came over and we cooked dinner for Brooke and Charles. After that we headed to Arlington and wasted time for the evening since my flight was leaving at like 530am and it wasn't worth sleeping.

Overall it was a great trip and I am sooooo glad I went.

Ileave tomorrow to pick up my sister at the airport.. my brother gets married on Saturday. HURRRRAHHHHH.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Tejas.

So I am in Texas this week and it has been a lot of fun so far! Though stressful on some levels.

Saturday I got here in the morning and Brooke and I helped Charles set up his classroom since he starts his first day as a teacher today (monday). Then we went to their cute awesome apartment in Richland Hills to nap before people were coming over. Daniel had done his job of inviting some folks over and we went out to dinner, played some games and watched some Olympics. Then Sunday morning we went to church at pleasantridge then headed over to Brooke's parents house for some lunch. After lunch and some poster making Brooke and I headed to Abilene for the night. We met up with Megan, Cody, and Brandon for dinner and bowling then ended up at Brandon's house for some Rock Band. It was a blast! I had never played before! After that we headed to Cody's house where we were staying. Thats where Megan will live when they get married in November. It was good to be attacked by Jack a few times but I won't lie I don't miss living with Big Crazy dogs. They might be able to control them but I never could. We stayed up talking about the craziness of life and all of the drama going on. I feel like I am in a VERY weird transition phase right now that just won't actually transition. Hard to explain right here.. maybe I'll figure it out this week some time. Anyway.. Monday morning we got breakfast with Julie, talked with Ed at GSR for a bit, had lunch with some of Brooke's work buddies, headed to ACU to see the new buildings and visit with the Foreign Language Department. Then headed back to the Metroplex. I met with Daniel and we went out to Dinner with his sister, Rachel and Stev then to Stev's Softball Game. That was a lot of fun!!! Dinner was tasty and I am still full!

Weird thing of the week:

Last night my back freaked out. I have posted before about how I have had weird death dreams and my neck freaks out and it feels like this explosion sensation in my spine that is all buzzy, and numb sort of. Well this time it happened in the middle of my lower back where I've had so much pain. It was HUGE and horrible. It lasted for almost like 3 minutes and felt like someone tazered my spine. It felt like when the lady used the electrodes on my shoulder too close the muscle next to my neck and it made my shoulder spasm and freak out. My entire back arched and tensed up. i feel like I did situps and back exercises last night. So now I'm a bit worried about it. I wonder if that mattress this summer messed up my lower back and nerves are pinching.. I don't know but I do NOT want it to happen again.

More to come this week. I am excited to get ready for Mexico but glad I came here first!

Friday, August 22, 2008

ME VOY A JUAREZ POR UN AÑO!

Chaffeur.

I am about to head out to go pick up my dad from the airport. I leave tomorrow morning bright and early for Texas WOOOT at about 5am. I feel back for my dad since he already wasn't happy about me going, but I am very excited to get down there. We already have lots of things planned and I am pumped.

I talked to Liz and Shyle yesterday. They will BOTH be in Grand Haven the few days I'll be there so I'll get to see them even if it is only for a little bit. I am excited to see Liz's new baby.. All of the family will be in town for Andy's wedding.. My sister flies in around 1:30 so I am picking her up on my way into town and then going to get mom. She's hanging with Aggie the few days before and after the wedding but we are all sharing a hotel room. Girl's time I guess! I am so excited for my brother's wedding. He and vivian are too cute and he deserves it! He is one of my favorite people on this planet and I am sad that I haven't seen him much the past few years. It is always a crazy time coming to Grand Haven. Too many people to see in such short amount of time. It won't be any different this time around!

Once I get back from GH I will be at dad's for just under a week getting ready for the next year. Packing, paperwork, etc.. I am taking the train from Detroit to Minneapolis for 95 bucks!! I couldn't believe the price! It may take the whole day but seriously folks.. when you count in travel time to and from the airport plus exhaustion from planes airports take almost as long. Well ofcourse there's a huge difference between a train from Detroit to Minnepolis and one from New York to San Diego.. :)

Well I'll update when I hear my placement. I know nobody really reads this thing and I'm ok with that.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

GW.

Well.. Got the email from Lisa.. I didn't get the Youthworks position so I'll for sure be doing the Greaterworks Internship. I wasn't totally sure which I would have chosen if they had offered it to me. Probably the YW one, but I am still excited to do Greaterworks this year. It is a pretty amazing program and should be fun. I am still somewhat in the waiting game as I wait for placements. The word is that we should know by friday what our placement is. Possibilities include:

Juarez, mexico
Pine Ridge, SD
Marvell, AR
Monessan (sp?), PA
Booneville, AR
Minneapolis
Milwaukee


So once again WHOO KNOWS.
I had dreams last night that I was in Texas and decided to move there. Arg. hahahha.. doubtful!

Still haven't heard back about the internship, still cleaning the apartment. I did start getting some of my stuff condensed and rooted out.. I have some weird stuff that I will never use ever again.. Off to Goodwill! I bought those compression bags for your clothes and mashed like two bins of clothes in one.. which is an amazing feat and important due to the size of my car :) If I have to drive to Minneapolis assuming I get the internship I'll need to take as much of my stuff as possible. The official move out.. creepy.

Update: My shoulder feels pretty goood.. but I still haven't gotten it checked out.. probably going to wait til I settle somewhere. Now my back problems are back though.. I think its just the lack of walking miles a day.. I had issues last year when I would be sitting for school all day long and its back. Its weird, and doesn't feel great.. Looks like I'll be caching this afternoon to make it feel better :)

Monday, August 18, 2008

Last interview..

I had my phone interview with Lisa tonight. It was pretty great. She seemed very positive about how it went, my experience, and what I'm looking for. It's pretty exciting. I feel great about where I am at with work stuff right now. I should find out in the next few days whether they offer it to me or not. It should be fun to speed apartment hunt. HOPEFULLY Becca will get a job too and she can be my roommate.. We were peeking on craigslist and found a BUNGALOW a block and a half from YW headquarters. Craziness.. its pretty good price too. I would love to just be able to say I lived in a bungalow in minneapolis. holy crap.
I heart Magic Erasers.. you know.. the cleaning thing by mr clean that totally erases like scuff marks and stuff.. I am cleaning Dad's place top to bottom and trying to do some decorating too. Kitchen is almost done, LIving room is a mess but the worst is the walls are so bare!! So I am on a mission to make this place look good while he's gone for the next few days. :) Then off to texas.


I missed Pandora. :)

Saturday, August 16, 2008

to wait.. or to live. meh.

I went geocaching yesterday and today. It was refreshing to be outside in nature that I don't have to fear. I don't mind being in nature in the south or other places that contain rattlesnakes/bears/other creatures I would have no clue what to do with.. but it was liberating being in michigan woods and feeling at home. Given it was a park in the middle of the city.. but there were real trees. real dirt. earthworms and black ants. maples. evergreens. oaks. beautiful woods. Man it was surreal smelling dirt. I know its so strange but when I was little my friends and I lived in the woods. We were constantly in trees, digging up dirt, cleaning out old trees for amazing forts, sledding in the middle of nowhere. I remember one night a bunch of us went out to the old plant up by rosy mound and climbed up the dune and ehem.. over a fence around like 11pm. We found this huge hill and brought all of out sleds and stuff out with us. There was so much snow that if you broke the surface of the snow you were up to your hips without touching ground. We sledded for like 3 hours. I think at one point I didn't even have a sled I was just somersaulting down the hill. haha. Anyway.. yesterday I was 0 for 3. Today I went to 2 of those three and still couldn't find them, but I did find 2 others in another park. Its possible I was trudging through poison ivy... I don't know. I texted Daniel and Brandon.. they both said 3 leaves.. and thats what I was trudging through but I never got itchy. I rocked the listerene bath later.. maybe thats what helped. I don't know. Earlier today Dad and I went to go see Tropic of Thunder. HILARIOUS. It was only slightly crude at parts, but otherwise pretty hysterical. Tonight we are relaxing with burgers "Into the Wild" and some Phelps making history.

OH... I BOUGHT MY PLANE TICKETS TO TEXAS. I am going. Its happening. I am soo excited to come down. I am pumped to stay with Brooke and spend some time with her. I am excited to go to Abilene and see brandon and hopefully megan too. I am so ready to finally see Daniel again too. It is weird talking to him all the time and not ever actually see him. Sometimes it feels like he'll come walking around the corner some day ( I mean that.. its kind of strange :)). That would be a good day... Well anyway It should be an exciting week. It will be fun to see people, and reconnect. I get a full week down there.. from the 23rd to the 30th.. WOOOOOT!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Panera. Oh how I adore thee.

Today's jaunt to Panera was much more successful. Yesterday I came and totally forgot my powercord. Today I have my new laptop! Dad is letting me take his nice vaio because he got a new one for work. So today I am working hard as I try and figure out what the heck I should be doing for my practicum. So far I am still somewhat lost. I do know however that I am leaving for Texas a week from Saturday for a week then heading to the other side of the state for a few days to see SHYLE AND LIZ who will be in town HURRRRRAaaahhhhhh I am excited to see my girls!!!

Well I am off to REI to drool over a GPS and backback. ugh. I hate trying to save money.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

SO ... Now what?

I am officially in Michigan, chilling out at my dad's house.. a recap.....

We drove up from Oklahoma to Kansas City on Saturday... From Kansas City to Minneapolis on Sunday.. we had debrief/check in stuff on Monday. Flew out from Minneapolis on Tuesday to Detroit.. and here I am.

Here's where I'm at:

I am in the process of applying/interviewing for some different things at youthworks. A full time position, a full time paid internship, and lastly a full time internship that is w/ housing and stipends. Pretty cool stuff but a little crazy on the decisions end. All but the last would be based in Minneapolis/St Paul which is fun.. I am pretty excited about that possibility. Its a pretty awesome city...

The internships/job would start in the beginning of september so for now I am hanging out. I am also hoping.. planning.. on going to Texas for a week towards the end of August, then hitting Grand Haven for a few days soon thereafter before packing up and heading out.

Trying to start getting to at least one of my papers for my RPP and some of the business end of that stuff.. yikes.. lots to do. My dad also wants me to start painting/decorating his place up a bit craziess.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Crack.

had my pt appointment yesterday. It hurt but he showed me some exercises to do with one of those big theraband things. I did them today and I hurt but its ok.

Got an email from SIETAR yesterday offering me an almost 700 euro scholarship to go to the congress conference in Spain this fall. Man. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. Could I bet on the possibility of taking a few days off to go to spain? Would I even want to do that alone? Anyone want to go to spain for the week of the 22-25 of October?

Talked to Dave at Greaterworks the other day about possibilities in internship stuff with them. Thats assuming AD stuff with YW doesn't work out. Not that I am even assuming thats what will happen, just saying its still a possibility.

Ohhhh geez OSCers are returning from soccer I gotta go get some finances done. Later!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Crapstack.

So we were all in the Clubroom (all meaning the area staff, because the KC and Booneville staffs are hanging out with us this weekend) watching nothing other than STEP UP TWO WOOOTTTTASTIC. I heard a plop but didn't think anything.. i was too busy grooving. Turns out my cell plopped into my glass of water. Good thing it wasn't soda. But I still don't know if it will be working yet.. SOOOOOO email me your cell # just in case. I can use my alternate if I NEED to get a hold of you.

Medical Update:
Went to the doc thursday.

He said:
Phys Therapy 3xweek x4weeks. I tore my rotator cuff, he believes. He is saying that its possible the PT will help but might not. If it is still excruciating in four weeks to go get an MRI when I get home so they can do the surgery. He was pretty much like most people would say do the surgery but with schedule stuff I might as well try PT first. Honestly it will waste more time with PT than surgery, but atleast he didn't JUMP to surgery......

pause. just scratched my head and a HUGE flying buzzing thing was on it. My left arm flew up to dust it off AKA PAINFUL OUCH GOING TO BED GOODNIGHT. Sad day.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Well, well well well.

So a pastor just prayed for me on the phone. That was nice of him

My shoulder hurts a bit today.Quite a bit actually but its ok. i head to the doctor tomorrow morning to get it checked out. The resident radiologist/ youth leader is telling me to get an MRI just in case. Yikes. I hope everything is ok.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

one hand

Currently I am one handed typing. Well I should be but I have jimmy rigged it so I can sort of two handed type. Last Monday I dislocated my shoulder.. like seriously grossly done. Went to the ER, no bone chip but it is NOT getting better despite this God forsaken immobilizer sling pos. The hardest part is that I hide pain pretty well.. I think its a family trait ;) I'm not going to lie though, today I am hurting pretty bad. Ice helps a bit but I can't keep it iced all day. Ibuprofen helps, but not for long. The hydrocodone made me pass out and you can't run mission trips half dead. Last week's groups were awesome about it. it happened early in the week and they saw it all go down, out an dback in. YUCK. But now we have a new group coming and I can't decide. Wear the brace, explain the injury and hope that helps when I am having a painful day and can't go above and beyond. Or ditch the brace, let it hurt, and go to the doctor monday and the groups won't be the wiser. I seriously can't decide. Worst yet I dont' think my team believe me that I am in pain.. which is so hard. I don't want to let them down, I don't want to seem like a slacker, especially when I know Zack's knee hurts far worse. But I can't help it. I hurt, and it is exhausting.

In other news: God is good. I learned a lot this week about my own humility, the balance of living in pain without complaint, and allowing others to serve you. I learned that our team is a delicate balance of love and passion, perfection and need for rest.

Well.. just got the call a group will be here in 15 minutes. Gotta run. Pray for us. health. love. patience and that God will move!

Monday, July 07, 2008

Reuben.

Something hit me today as I read 1 Chronicles. Odd since I rarely actually read when perusing 1/2 Chronicles.. so and so begat so and so etc.. But today God used it. I was reading about how Reuben messed up and his birthright as oldest son was passed to Joseph. Man. I bet if he had known that he could have been the "Abraham, Isaac and Reuben" that he wouldn't have slept with someone else's concubine, or whatever it was. Sometimes I think about the dumb stuff I do that just seems like stupid choices. Have I missed out on my Abraham Isaac and Phyllis? haha. No but seriously.. I know that noone is perfect, and that if Reuben wouldn't have messed up Joseph wouldn't have had a shot at rocking the Pharoahs world. But still.. I want to fulfill the role God has for me in the world, and sometimes I think I am wasting my life away waiting for it to happen. Should I jump? Every sunday we tell youth that they are Jumping into God's will by being here this week and opening their lives up for God to move and transform them. Have I forgotten to Jump?

Its possible that I am super irrational today. but something within me is moving and writhing to get out. What am I missing? Am I denying God the chance to make me that third name? Or am I reubening by making easy choices and taking the road given me. We'll see I guess.. thats my catch phrase for life. I just wish I could take the bull by the horns and run in God's direction.


I sent an email to the Earlham Univ. Border Studies Program again today.. I never heard if they filled the position.. I also emailed Greaterworks, and still waiting about the YW! AD position... I feel pretty at peace though. Sometimes I just want to hit the road, grab a friend and explore people, organizations, communities.

I was sitting today thinking that the one thing I cherish about Youthworks summers is that I am always engaged with the world. I can't check out and read email, facebook or watch tv/movies. I am always in relationship, spending time with people etc. It reminds me of my desire to travel and invest in the body of Christ in an organic way. Not tied to an organization or a city, but engaging people in different places, blessing them, encouraging them, getting to know their personal culture. Its not that I don't want to settle somewhere eventually, but I don't want a life of complacency. I want to move, to be God's instrument, and have freedom in that movement.

Sheesh.. God is doing a lot in me these past few weeks. It is great, but I am sort of soul worn a bit.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Amendment etc.

Squidcat got adopted... by a dog. Ofcourse his name was Squid dog. He lives down the road. he showed up friday and fell in love with squid cat "momming" him and loving on him. This included tummy rubs grooming, and picking squidcat up by the scruff and gently bringing him to the shade etc. We came out an hour later to find them both gone. Squid cat never returned though Squid dog is seen randomly.

We had a group cancel this week so we only have 45 people coming. It will be a true blessing because we are going to go to a fundraiser for our evening meal monday night. It is for Jake, the boy who was burned so badly a few weeks ago. The town of Pawhuska has rallied around his family, and because we have a smaller group we will be able to go and support him and his family. It doesn't hurt that the fundraiser is an all you can eat steak dinner. Yum.

I am extremely excited for this week. God has been working on my heart this weekend, and for some reason I have an energy inside of me that is not typical of a Sunday. I am ready for more movement. He has worked so much in each of us this summer, and I am excited to see it come alive once again.

I have been praying a lot about the future. What the next few months might entail. I still haven't heard about the AD position and I am seriously at peace about it. I feel really great about the possibility of taking a few months to travel. Use my summer money to buy some bus tickets and luggable luggage, fly down to dallas, see some friends and then hit the road. I would love a travel buddy (feel free to volunteer anyone interested) and head to central america. I am interesteed in finding some various organizations and looking at the types of training they do pre-missions, pre- immersion trip, pre-study abroad etc. I need to make whatever I do practical for my program, but I feel like God is calling me to be more proactive in my time right now. It is a great time and age to be travelling and exploring. Is Youthworks settling for the easy route? I don't know that thats the case, but I am conflicted and convicted right now. WE'll see what God does this week. I have so many things in my head about certain friends and people I have met recently and long time ago. Some great college friends, some amazing adult leaders. Each week I give a testimony related to "holding on" and it is always more about God holding on to me when I just want to escape. His love is so deep and so penetrating that it is hard to take. But whenever I know I need it, I am scared to let Him in. He finds me in the darkness.

The nearness of God when I suffer is what keeps me praying for challenges. To suffer is to be with God, to be along side him, to be held by him. To be broken is to be moldable, and ready for renewal.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Highlights of this week:

- Friday at the Post office an idiot postal guy charged over seven hundred dollars to my account, thinking i wanted to pay for the money order on my debit, when really it was supposed to be in exchange for the stack of cash sitting directly under his nose. I was only meaning to pay for the postage on a completely seperate package with my debit. BUT God provided and I was able to deposit a money order (from the cash itself) into my debit account to make up for it. I still have to work it all out with the finance dept but its ok.

- We have a new member of our team. His name is squidcat McGee.. and he is a four week old kitten. :) He crawled through the door as we brought in groceries on Friday night. His mom was across a busy street so we put him outside in a place she could find him, but he was still there in the morning. I gave him a pretty hefty flea bath despite the warnings on the package because man.. like a hundred fleas. He is a cute, sweet kitty and will be chillin with us for the summer. An outdoor cat mostly, but naps with us from time to time. He came into our staff meeting last night on a whim :)

- Phil will NOT be coming to see me this weekend. Transportation conflicts made it impossible for him to make it into pawhuska and I can't pick him up in YW vehicles.

-We had a baptism in the principal's hottub last night

- Miss Betty is hysterical, her dog Petie looks like a loaf of bread.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

A pretty great day

So this week has actually been a neat experience. We have all sort of drifted into our "role" work.. meaning the tasks and curriculum specific to our role. Its amazing how God works because most of my role work has been done except for things that needed to wait til today for the others to add on to as they finished their own work. I got sick this weekend and to be honest it couldn't have been timed any better. While others were working on role things, I sat down, took a nap and tried to get healthy. The only work I could have been doing needed to wait a bit longer anyway so it was great.
Last night I was feeling pretty good so while the boys went to the Prairie preserve again to time drives and directions, the girls and I went downtown. We stopped for a snow cone.. not I won't lie, I was rather adventurous and blessing again it was tasty! I got a snocone flavored in yellow cake and chocolate syrup! WEIRD! But great all the same.

Mom I thought of you a lot as I wandered downtown. There are some amazing historical sights in this town that you should come visit. You and grandma would love it! I even drove through the cemetery out of curiosity to see what sort of names came up, who got what kind of graves etc. Fun! My staff thought I was nuts.

While we were walking downtown we found the one store open past five.. and this was a a special occasion. The Chamber of Commerce was having a snackity snack for local businesses in the "Spurs and Arrows" shop downtown. We went in to check out the goods and came upon a bunch of people we had met at church on sunday. They all got my cell promising to call if they knew people who had work projects, and to come to the community bbq on thursday nights! Great stuff!

This morning we all woke up and met Paddy who was escorting us to the local Kiwanis meeting where we all spoke about our work this summer, inviting them to join with us. Sadly we heard that a woman who lives in town, her son was at a bonfire this past weekend and threw a can of WD40 into a fire, it blew up and covered him with FOURTH DEGREE chemical burns. Pretty bad. They are taking up a collection, and the poor woman is trying to stay in Tulsa without any connections there. She works at the local mexican place, that we ate at tonight.. amazing food btw. The owner, amazingly enough, said if others continue to pick up her shifts, HE'll STILL PAY HER. They are taking up a town collection, and it is pretty awesome to see this community love on its members.

Tom Boone, one of our favorite people out hear.. his uncle died this weekend and they had the funeral today. It was a crazy affair, one we didn't attend but heard about, because apparently they wanted to smoke the body, like the typical indian ritual, and the Indian Baptist Church's new(white.. ehem) pastor yelled at them about it. BUt they figured it all out.. anyway.. they did the old indian ritual, and since the man was a retired police chief ALL the cops were at the processional .. aka if you want to rob someone.. today was the day to do it. They had a big ol feast afterwards and it was a pretty amazing ordeal apparently.

Have I mentioned I really love this community? I might not leave :) Or maybe all the sudden I realize that I actually do like this region.. and I might consider moving back here. This culture rings true in my heart. And yeah. I would forsake my northern fluffy grass for mesquite trees in Texas if it meant Y'alls, drawls, and feeling like I'm always at home... man. Who wouldve thought?

Monday, June 16, 2008

Back to OK

Well we're back in Pawhuska for the summer.. and I have a cold. It is kicking my butt and honestly slowing our team down a bit. Its hard to crack a whip, cough, snort and lay down in agony all in one breath. hahah.. jk. We don't have a WHOLE lot to do.. well I do but there isn't much team stuff left. Just a few random things to figure out.

I am going to go take a nap for a bit/read my newest book for awhile. yay.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

ArkanSASS

I am in Booneville, AR this week working with two other teams to run a YW! week. We got here yesterday after a VERY long day of travel and frustrations. But we made it and today we have been working to set-up for our first week of programming. YAY! My team is leading the evening program, I helped with the Kids Club orientation and it was very nostalgiac. It is weird though, realizing how differently I play with American vs. Latin American kids. Just a different manner of discipline etc.

Ok. I need to go pull together a schedule and a shower in fifteen minutes.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Oklahoma Lowdown:

Well we are halfway through our prep week!! My team is amazing and I love them all very dearly. Yeah we are getting a bit tired, but it has been a great experience connecting and struggling.

Our building is awesome. We have pretty much the run of an entire elementary building. It has an industrial kitchen, copy/faxroom to our disposal, we sleep in air conditioned classrooms, have a huge gym/cafeteria, all of the staff are awesome and the playground rocks!!!

Les Potter is the principal.. he's hysterical.. very sarcastic and a jokester but loves us and really wants to serve youthworks and let them serve his community in return. Theresa is our custodian, Gladys is in the kitchen. They are great!!! Very helpful, and understanding too!

Tom Boone is a local Osage native. He and his family are phenomenal and super pumped to work with us this summer as always. He usually comes on Sundays to talk a bit about the area at orientation and dinner stuff. His daughter sarah is 7 and super cute. Her birthday is the same as Cornells!!!

Boys and Girls Club folks are super excited for our Kids Club and Outrageous Sports Camp.. looks like much bigger groups than we expected. Which is great! We are throwing a barbecue two weeks from tomorrow for all the B&G Kids families plus community members.

Mark Buchanon.. the mayor.. is our main contact for work projects. Should be a good start since last year's WP left us a list of jobs already.. She should be contacting them this week or next.

Other people we met: Greg Hembre, Paul, Debbie, Elizabeth, Earl, the Library girls, the secretary, a teacher at the school and her daughter, and many more!!

I am off to go get to work with my crew. It is 8am CT. Who's excited?

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Ready? Good.

I leave in the morning. I am excited but a bit overwhelmed. This morning was a hard goodbye. I got a big fat hug from Caitlin and accidentally woke Katy up when I locked myself out of the dorm. We were never big huggers to begin with but its weird knowing i probably won't see these girls for a very long time. I hope thats not the case.. but it seems to be how it goes.

Cici. I miss you already girl.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Naked

Phew. Tired..


So my room is packed up and my car is full. All thats left are skeleton hangers, lots of thumbtacks and bobby pins scattered around. My Weekend shtuff/computer and bedding will be the last things to be jammed into my car. Once again I pulled a mary poppins and have plenty of room to spare. Blindspots? Nope.. I love my car. So tonight is a night for relaxing. Katy and I are about to go watch Chronicles of Narnia, and then later I think there is a possibility of Karaoke :) Should be fun!! ehem.. we'll see. Otherwise I leave tomorrow for Michigan. Funny.. I'm not even looking up directions.. I know this route like the back of my hand. Hopefully the traffic won't be too horrendous.

K.. well I am off to movie time. See you on the flipside. My next post probably will be either tomorrow night or in Oklahoma as Training next week will be pretty crazy and doubt i'll have wireless. :(

Longest DAY EVER!

Today was a triumphant but tiring day.

I got up around ten for a group meeting to talk about our presentation and to help set up for the potluck fundraiser starting at 1230. I manned the donation bucket where we made about five hundred bucks in about an hours time. NICE. Class went well.. our discussion about the Prison Industrial Complex went well, and that was the end of my life in classrooms as I knew it. HURRAY. well except for watching/participating in the following two presentations.

After that I went back to JW for a riveting convo with Laura. She is leaving early tomorrow and it will probably be the last time I see her.. ever. :( My quote for the day ended up being something to the effect of "You can't be a bitch just because youre brown!" which I am slightly embarrassed of but it was valid based on the context and referred to a certain few in our classes that have been driving me up the wall last week. Yeah I get it.. I'm white thus have some degree of privilege and power, you are brown which means you don't. Doesn't mean you get to treat me like dirt. Deal with it. It is a rough life I know :P

JW Ice Cream was short but fun. Good to see people. After we went to Dickinson where they.. get this... had slaughtered a goat and barbecued it. YES SLAUGHTERED. AKA IT WAS ALIVE WHEN IT SHOWED UP AT THE DORM. BAhahaha.. I love it. It was very tasty as well. Fun to hang and chat with folks. Around11:30 I went out with some of the girls dancing at Metropolis.. one last hurrah I guess. It had oddly ghettofied for brattleboro and was fun for awhile but quickly became packed with some odd folk we weren't down with. It was still fun to be dancing.

Now it is 2am. I smell like sweat and BBQ and I am going to bed. Tomorrow will entail packing, cleaning and some Gilmore Girls with Katy. Actually I might make her watch Grey's with me cuz I was distracted when I watched Thursday, and I don't htink she's seen it yet. haha..

Later kids. I AM FREEEEEEEE!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I am one measly presentation away from finishing my first year in graduate school. For said presentation my only preparation was to print off pdf fact sheets about the Prison Industrial Complex to use in our small group discussions tomorrow during class. At approximately 5:30pm tomorrow evening. My year will be over, and a new phase will begin. I will no longer be Phyllis Chill- student in graduate level courses. But Phyllis Chill Master of Arts in Social Justice Candidate and Site Director at the Osage Reservation Site with Youthworks Inc. I am still a student, but no more classwork. Hurray. My mom just said "yeah right, you'll find another degree to get." haha. Yeah.. probably so. But not yet!!!! NOT YET!! I am excited to see where my summer brings me, where this degree brings me and the further stretching to come. This time next year I will hopefully in the graduation process. That means I'll have my Masters at 24. I am not going to lie. I am proud of my work this year, and excited to put it to use in the coming year.

Now that that is done..

I drive to Michigan on Sunday and fly to Minneapolis on Monday. What a whirlwind. I am super excited to finally meet my staff, start our training, and get to work for the summer.

Right now I am going to go pull together all the stuff I have been learning about the Osage so that my staff can learn as well. I don't want us all going into a situation we know nothing about. Should be fun.

God has been teaching me something lately. I am amazed at how he works sometimes. I have been doing my best to be obedient and read daily, to pray when I stress rather than whine, and to verbally process with him rather than dumping on those around me. I keep failing miserably but the one thing that keeps coming back to me is the phrase "Take up your mat and walk". Something that has always been a struggle for me is to just make a decision and change a behavior. They say if you do something for 28 days it becomes a habit and you are more likely to stick with it. You just have to force yourself to be intentional about it for 28 days. Lately when things come up that I want to be doing (or not doing), the phrase "Take up your mat and walk" rings through my head. I think just make the decision to ____ and start doing it. Yeah you won't be perfect but you don't just wake up one day and _____ you have to work at it. And to work at it you have to start doing it. So just take up your mat and _____. There are a lot of things that might be inserted into the ____: read daily, pray daily, be patient, love people, don't lie, be responsible, don't pinch people etc. There's a lot of things. And one by one each day I am trying to be intentional about my decisions. So if you see me waddling around struggling with something awkward and heavy. It's probably just my mat. It's ok though. I can tell Jesus has the other end of it.. its like those machines that help you do chin-ups..

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Davey.

Congrats to David Archuleta for rocking the face off of finals last night. I am sad I'll miss the finale tonight. but I'm not going to lie I am VERY excited for So you think you can dance to start! WOOOOT!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Monday, May 19, 2008

Once again.. my friends are absolutely amazing.

Thank you to everyone who tells me to keep looking up and straight.. to work hard, and know I deserve good things and good people.

LOVE THIS SONG

My Osage Presentation:

SOOOO... I have to put together a presentation for my Education for Social Justice class and I am really struggling on how to do that. The point is to offer content, understanding of a certain topic to a classroom in a way that upholds social justice, equality, fairness etc. The point is to offer different sides of the story, or allow the story, if of a non-dominant culture, to be told by its members. Right ok. Well because I am working on the Osage reservation this summer I thought what better of a chance would I have to explore the Osage history, context, situation etc than via this project. Ok great.. so now I know a whole lot about the timelines, the place, some of the cultural context etc. but that doesn't mean I can pull together a socially just presentation of that content without some sort of outside help. So I have a few things mulling around in my head.

How can I present the culture of the Osage to the students who are coming for one week? Who do I talk to to walk through this "brief" and make sure that it is congruent with who they think they are? How can I present a people who have been around for a few hundred years, who have been exploited, pressed, and pushed around into a tiny space? How do I present on current issues facing the Osage such as jurisdiction within their reservation, Oil rights, Indian Casinos, and the cross-section of poverty and reservation life. I have no idea.

A few cool things that I have gotten from my research so far (Disclaimer.. this is what I have come to understand after like 2 days of research, not through experience with people, conversations, or prolonged exposure... so don't take my word for it.. I just click and read :P):

The culture of the Osage has a focus on balance and dichotomous interconnectedness: aka two groups who are opposite, have different skills, tools, needs- must interact together in a spirit of interchange in order to be a "whole" and surviving tribe.

The larger tribe is split into the Earth people and the Sky people. One group focuses on agriculture, gathering, peacemaking, spiritual wellbeing etc; the other focuses on hunting, defense/war making, material wellbeing of the tribe as a whole. On their own they cannot meet all of their needs, together they are successful. They cannot marry within their own, they must intermarry between the groups. Earth and Sky come together to create "children of the middle", which is congruent with their story of creation. (where earth and sky met, there was land; where people of the roots met people of the branches, there was land; it continues.. interesting stuff)

The other interesting piece of the puzzle is the orientation towards time. Shuffling through a billion forums/blogs/websites looking for different things I often came upon the understanding that the Osage have a time orientation that is represented by the infinity symbol. They are not past, present or future oriented because all are one. It made me incredibly intrigued because as a nation they are working towards a 25 year strategic plan, and trying to decide what they need to be doing to preserve their culture and language. I wonder how the process might go in a culture of such a time orientation. Does it hinder? Or do they have such great oral history and understanding of their past that it becomes easier to see the themes and threads they value.

I don't know.. this is just a few of the things coming out for me. Now how to present on it?

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Waiting. waiting. watiiindkla;gjd;a dgk;laj

I feel like every day is waiting. I am waiting for my room to pack itself, my paper to write itself, my research to find itself, and my groups to self disintegrate. I am also waiting for an amazing car rid to michigan followed by a plane ride to MN and a summer full of adventure and wonder. I have been 'researching' Pawhuska/Osage etc for a presentation and because I'll be living there and it is getting me more and more excited. I haven't lived out there in so long.. it will be fun.

I really REALLY want to go see Chronicles of Narnia. I might go finish the prince of caspian real quick before bed so i'll be ready for it.

Layli and I made the decision that my hair needs cutting.. and that we are both too swamped to make the date.. no worries there I just need to be proactive about making an appointment somewhere. Maybe that lady I went to before will be around > So much for my coming back for a trim. If only she had hunted me down ages ago I wouldn't be in this mess. Actually thats a bit of a lie.

My brain hurts. and I need a kiss.. hershey's that is. it makes me laugh when I pull out a hershey kiss that says "kiss someone" and slyly plant it on someone just to see what they do. HEHEHHE. I have done this a few times and it really makes me laugh when they get all nervous.. hehehe.. Mean? Yes.

Later folks! I miss you all. Daniel.. we need to chat this week cuz I'm not going to lie once summer starts I may fall off the face of the earth. and that would be sad cuz I have enjoyed catching up so much this semester.

Why am I awake.

So it is 6:15am. I am wide awake. Yesterday was such a good day. I went to Panera and worked for about 5 hours, came back and hung out with people for a couple hours. It was the end of the year bash and I'm not going to lie it was dramatic as always. All sorts of conversations with weird people, typical emotional rollercoaster associated with a two-hour open bar followed by a bonfire.. but it was a good night. I liked laughing at/with Katy and Cici, talking with Aaron and working through our stuff, sitting with people and just chilling out. At one point I think Will and I were speaking spanish with each other and that was fun. It was a good night (and I was a good girl I promise). I got back to my dorm at like 11:30pm and completely crashed. I was soo tired. And so here I am, awake at freaking 6:30am trying to decide what to do. I am running my laptop on the 120 dollar power cord I am "loaning" from CircuitCity til mine shows up in the mail this week. I finally started making some headway on my Education for Social Justice presentation. I just really have no clue where to find the information I need on the Osage.. I was planning on doing my presentation on that, and I'm doubting it as we speak but i need to just pick something and go with it already. Oh well.

Well I am going to try and get some work done at this ungodly hour. OH GEEZ.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

"This is our time"

Man I swear.. I'll never get sick of that line. Goonies is possibly one of my all time faves.

We had a movie night on campus last night. It was somewhat of a fundraiser.. we didn't have too many people show up. We were planning on doing it outside but it rained. so I don't think there was much incentive to show up.. lost the luster.. :) Either way I love that movie and it was fun to pull it together and relax to watch the movie.

This has been a pretty good week despite the hectics. My laptop cord is still messed up, my new one on the way, which means I haven't gotten a lot of work done. I struggle with on campus computers.. I'm picky I guess. Besides most of my useful docs are on my lappy soI have to steal Cici's cord all the time and I feel bad. I plan to go to Keene, buy a cord at Circuit City and return it if they'll let me :) I'm a cheater I know. :( Resourceful sounds better.

I was supposed to go to Jersey with Kiera today until tomorrow night but post-movie last night I somewhat panicked at the realization of how much work I really need to get done. So I am heading out to Panera/ Circuit City here in a minute rather than driving with her to Jersey. I appreciate her willingness to let me not go even though I told her last minute and had committed to it before. I suck as a friend.. but this next week is going to be nuts. Two group projects, one huge presentation, a paper, packing, exit interview, and goodbyes all by Sat night. I'll beleaving sunday morning. Its really weird though... This is it. I mean I'm not coming back until capstone. And we all may or may not be at the same seminar so it could be the last time for seeing all of these people. That's insane. I'll miss Cici, Katy and my other JWs more than I ever thought.. and there are a handful of other SITers that I really got to know... Its surprising how quickly you connect with people.. and surprising I let myself. Typically I probably would have guarded myself a bit more knowing that we'll be leaving soon.. but I let it happen a bit, especially with the janeway girls. I've made some great friendships there.. and it makes me smile :)

Monday, May 12, 2008

My staff is placed~ WOOOOOOOOOOT!

So I called my staff: Angela, Cornell, Zach and Brenna.. well I didn't get to talk to Brenna yet. but it was great to finally put a voice to the open spots for this summer. It was exciting to break it to them that we will be in Okey this summer. I caught most of them before they had even gotten the placement email from Youthworks. My next few days are crazy with meetings and things so I wanted to be on the ball and get a hold of as many as I could.


Um. ps. randomly American Gladiator is on.. and the guy only has one leg and a prosthetic CRAZINESS. This guy is nuts.. amazing.. crazy strong. Congrats.


My laptop power cord is officially broken. Which means my laptop is dead. well until i get a new cord. which means I am downstairs on the dorm laptop. I'll be hating life the next few days. WOE IS ME. Pretty much I might as well go to bed because I can't do any homework tonight. Sad.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

For some reason this song speaks to me. I don't know about who or what it refers. Nothing real specific hits me.. I just like it.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Great weekend!

I had an incredibly relaxing and productive in its own way summer. I wrote a paper, socialized, went on two hikes, slept in, volunteered for a race on campus, and I will be on my way to group meetings here in a bit. My body is the good kind of sore, and I feel a lightly sun toasted. I missed summer, the outdoors and being active.

I am really excited to get my hair cut. seriously.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Hurt.

I am not going to lie.. I had a rough morning. I woke up to a comment on my FB wall from a friend of mine blatantly criticizing the work I plan to do this summer connecting it to the "oppressor" talk we so lovingly caress at this school. It angers me. It makes me more passionate as well because I know why I love the work I'll be doing this summer.

I am excited to be working in a community week after week, and see the connections that have been happening all year. I am excited to be in a community YW was invited into.. to work, love and serve in a community that is struggling but bustling with beautiful people- my brothers and sisters.

I am excited about working with my staff, developing friendships, love, work ethic, challenging our faith and actions, biases, and assumptions. I am excited to lead lovingly with a servant-heart and not fear conflict- for it brings growth and fuller understanding.

I am excited to lead and walk with my adult leaders through the intercultural process and teach them how to process with their own students so that they can continue to develop hearts for social justice, and passion for those in need, those that we have impoverished without knowing.

I am excited to walk next to my youth as they struggle, ask questions, love without restriction and process the rehumanization of a population that they have rarely had contact with previously.

I am excited to work with a community culture that I have never known! I cannot wait to learn through loving and serving this community. I am nothing, they are everything. I come to serve and learn, because I have the privilege to build these relationships, foster love and respect for the "other" rather than continue to ignore that it exists. I want to build bridges not walls, love not fix.

Lastly I am excited to be working in the Family again, to be doing ministry, loving and encouraging my brothers and sisters to look beyond them selves to the people of the world, to the God who loves them, and to the Son who died for them. I am excited to be able to serve Jesus, by playing with bubbles with a five year, hugging the necks of struggling youth, painting the house of a family who is sick of lead poisoning, and just "being" in a community.

So.. to whoever has issues with my work.. Shut it and tell me what you would do differently.. lets talk about it. Don't be a wuss and leave me a post on my wall like a slacker who knows how to regurgitate Janaki like its your own thoughts. and P.S. she is excited for me.. so eat that :p

Monday, May 05, 2008

Back from the 'sota!

So Minnesota was amazing. It was a whirlwind weekend of training but it was an overall great experience and I am super excited for this summer. It was interesting as a trainer brain to see more into why the trainer was making the choices she made. Like switching rooms after sessions to break up the day, sitting us with our Areas like small groups to provide safety and build community, we did ice breakers, food in a seperate area, and some other different things that I thought were a lot of fun to notice. We did everything from case studies to role plays, workshop type activities and crazy games. It was a lot of fun and I learned SO much about this summer. Our next all staff training (RAMP: Regional and Area Mission Preparation) is at the end of the month and I am stoked to meet my staff! WOOT!

Now I am back in academia and completely overwhelmed.

Projects:

TSA Paper
Listening Project
TOT project
Ken's Class: Fundraiser, big paper and personal paper
Ed for SJ: Main presentation to class and paper
Spanish Test?

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Ehem.. oops again..

I am so bad at this game. SO I thought that I had changed my settings so my "notes" don't upload to facebook. Thanks amber for commenting and proving to me that yup they do.

SO:

SORRY if any of the people who read it are offended. hehe.. You guys really have been supportive of me all year long and it was more of a general huff than towards any particular person. I think the silver lining outlook is expected.. I just don't want to see it yet.. :)

I leave tomorrow afternoon for MN!!! WOOT!
I am frustrated with people who think it is their job to pretend they know the "bright side" of a shitty situation. Can't you let me be angry for a minute? upset? hurt? sad? just for a minute? I'll get to the bright side eventually but life does always have to be about the "good side" of shit. I think silver linings are a cop out for people who don't know how to feel the bad stuff too. I embrace the crappy side of life.
So bummed about my sister's surgery stuff.. they didn't find anything so we are back to square one I guess. I have so much respect for that girl.. she is so strong.

I leave for Minneapolis tomorrow afternoon. I only just got my I9 signed/notarized and I am hoping the lady didn't mess it up. but whatever.

I have been brainstorming and thinking about some of the things I want to be doing this summer. Some team rituals, ideas, organizational etc. I started pulling together my planner for th esummer and I think it will work nicely. I'll test drive it this weekend/month and see how it goes.

I am such an impatient person- I am trying to work on it.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

TOT is gonna rock my face off.

I took a fabnap today.

Target was amazing too.

I got my Timbuk2 bag in the mail.

IM MOVING TO OKLAHOMA THIS SUMMER! I got my site placement.. I'll be living here:

I'll be living on the Osage tribe reservation in Oklahoma this summer leading trips with Youthworks. Pretty crazy that I'll be down south, but it will be a great experience!

www.osagetribe.com

Monday, April 28, 2008

Oh Beautiful Day.

Today was fantastic. End of story. Rainy, quesadillas, and great conversation. Renewal.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

POPUPS!

So today I had my training and it was so much fun. I felt pretty good about it, we made a collaborative pop-up book and individuals too, although we needed way more time for that part but I couldn't ask for four hours ofcourse. It was a lot of fun and everyone was great. They were all surprised at how simple it was once they got going. Such creative minds!

Now I am uber exhausted, and ready for bed despite having no dinner. I'll munch some cereal and swig a DP but otherwise get me to bed!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Sent in my contract.

Assignments: Mid-states region. Thats all I know :)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Big News.

So today I had my interview with Youthworks and it was amazing. I think Rita, my interviewer, and I should be friends :) It lasted about two hours and consisted of everything from updates since my last summer, to scenarios, "strengths and weaknesses", how do you strengthen your faith questions, leadership styles and decision making, how to work in a team, why you want to work with youthworks, etc. I felt very confident in my answers and felt like I was accurately conveying my leadership style, experience and understanding of youthworks and their values. I was highly impressed with the transitions they are trying to make into a more social justice based realm of content and education rather than skin-deep ministry which is typically self serving and short term. The work they are beginning to work with will have lasting impact and hopefully inspire action plans in the future. For my SJ project I am going to write a proposal/position paper about where I think Youthworks should be moving and what my ideal of their organization would look like based on my understanding of Education for Social Justice. This will tie directly to my desire to begin an organization like Youthworks, but one that is more effective in lasting and longterm impact on both community and youth serving. The job is pretty exciting, great compensation, and the skills I will develop are going to be so helpful in rounding out my resume. I am hoping to move into an Area Director position in the fall and continue on with them for my practicum, but I am not sure if that will happen.

The weird part right now is much like my situation when I was in Uruguay (last time I was in this application proces swith them for my summer in Juarez). I have no idea where they might place me. I know that it won't be Mexico or Puerto Rico, it will probably be either a rural or smalltown site, or a native american reservation. I told her I wasn't sure about working on the native american reservations because I didn't know youthworks' history with those sites. She said from their standpoint all of the sites youthworks is on, abroad and domestic, they have been invited into by the community. They typically have contacts within those communities, or groups who have been on trips elsewhere have contacts, and they are invited to come work with them. She said they first and foremost have worked with the tribal councils to make sure that the work they are doing is something that would meet community needs, and then the did networking within that community to connect with other churchs and possible resources in the area before coming in. Although I am still working through what it means to be a somewhat evangelistic group coming into this type of a situation, I appreciate their process and understanding of that need in the first place. It calmed some of my fears.

the point. YAY!

So now I am trying to get work done early so that I can go on my training next weekend to MN, figure out what I'll need to buy in the next few weeks, and get organized for the summer! WOOT!

Monday, April 21, 2008

My interview went well but I am not sure I'll take it if they offer it. The position is only 3 weeks long, and it may overlap with other possibilities. Apart from that the interview was good practice, and we'll see what happens. They were very flexible about timing and my own needs to fulfill the program so perhaps it will work out.

I am still waiting to hear from the job in El Paso, but I did find out that Samaritan's Purse got my application, they should be contacting me in the next few weeks. I also sent my stuff to Youthworks on a whim. I worked with them in Juarez and they had some openings so I thought I might as well. Within an hour they got back to me hoping to get me into the short term and long term processes. They have some site director positions open for the summer but I would have to commit to it by April 27. Their Area Director positions are more interesting to me, but they recommended the site director position as a possible lead-in to the the full-time work later. I understand but man thats quick! I'd have to fly out to Minneapolis for training May 2-4 and be there by May 27 for the whole summer. YIKES. So once again we'll see what happens. I am just letting everything settle down and see what comes up :)

My Desk.

My interview is in 40 minutes. Exactly. I woke up early today after a weird restless night, grabbed a shower and here I am. Sitting at my desk still covered in work from last night, papers I prepped for the interview, ipod, camera, keys, pop bottles, sunglasses, planner, stapler, pens and assorted writing utensils, ibuprofen, my bible and random post-its everywhere. The latest addition is my landline. It has been neatly tucked away in the abyss of my room since noone even had the number. I think the only people who do now are Daniel and the CEP people. Well SIT people too but they don't use it. I did my bible reading today and it calmed me a bit but I don't even remember what I read.

Listening to Pandora again. I heart this station, I really do.

So I am annoyed at myself- Typically when making big life decisions I pick the one I like the most, go for it and let it work itself out. This time is different because I applied to so many different things that I like in different ways that I just have no clue what I would choose. SO that is going to make this interview awkward. "Oh and btw you guys are the lowest on my list of jobs I actually want.. well second to last next to that IE position in San Francisco, and but I def want to do the IE, Sams and compassion positions before this one. " Yeah.. hmm.. maybe not that way eh?

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Hey guys.

This weekend was pretty great. Thursday was a success and I feel like I can officially say things with Josh are no longer hell. haha.. no seriously he came to the potluck for ASL on Thursday and we were able to have some great casual catching up conversations, joke a bit and it was completely fine. I know it will still be a little weird for a bit, but at least it isn't anger or any of that. I think anyway :) Afterwards their was a fundraiser at Mole's Eye put together by one or two of the Janeway ladies so we went to support! It was hysterical. It ended up being karaoke night at the bar and it was majority SIT students. It was fun to just sit around and chat with people, although it reminded me why I like going to local shows, cafes etc. I missed being able to actually talk to people. Most of the time we go out and dance. Which is fine but you can't really have a good conversation with people while shakin your groove thang.

I missed class Friday morning- not a good choice since she talked about our project, but atleast I found out that I should be able to use my lesson plan for CEP for it (ed for SJ.. pretty much the same as CEP)

Friday afternoon it was 82 degrees! Yikes! Class with Ken was HORRIBLE. Hot, boring, frustrating. We did have a good conversation about Critical Resistance and prison abolition which I really like. That is the organization we are going to work with in New Orleans at the end of the year so our group is using them for our projects.

Saturday was a lazy start, but I DID manage to go eat both lunch and dinner in the IC. That has been a rough thing for me this year. I can't stand half the food. but in the spirit of saving dad some cash, I am trying really hard this week not to spend money. It has been rough. I finished my TSA group paper, my templates and models, my Training Abstract and overall rough Design. I almost finished my I Am From piece, although I am not super happy with the latest scene, but it'll do. I am trying to incorporate different types of media into them, so I used mags and photos a bit. I don't know that it fits with the rest of them but whatever.

I listened to Pandora all night, man I love that website. I had this great mix of funky music going.. Kimya Dawson (Juno Soundtrack), Adele, Sara Bareilles, Kate Nash, Nael Yaim, Natasha Bedingfield, The Owls, Kate Voegele, Britt Nicole, KT Tunstall, Grace Potter, Mirah, Anne McCue, Colbie Caillat, the list goes on. They threw in some Jack Johnson, DMB, the Fray, Lauren Hill, Jojo, Amy Winehouse,... Awesomeness.

Today I am writing my Ethics in ICC paper. BOOOOO I thought it was due tuesday.. its due tomorrow morning .. before my INTERVIEW.

VERY BOO. So instead of writing most of it today and then finishing it tomorrow so I can have time to prepare for my interview.. I'll be spending ALL day writing it. I suck at this. I am very disorganized this semester.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Civic Education Project

Things in the works:

I got an email from the Civic Education Project through Northwestern Univ. They want to interview me for the teaching assistant position for their summer programs. Its a pretty good deal. Chicago. 2500/4wks. networking, experience. Room and board etc. It would probably mean not going on the Mexico trip in late June. and I won't hear back from other positions for awhile. Either way I will interview and pull together the requested lesson plan (no clue where to start on that) and proceed with all intentions of filling the position. I mean really- thats good bank for a summer job. $5000 after expenses? true.

I REALLY need to just get this Samaritan's Purse internship stuff in the mail. It is in my backpack in an envelope ready to go.. but not yet gone.

I found out that my Compassion International App didn't ever get sent BOO. So I finally sent it. The actual job position there is not yet reviewed.

The Border Studies Program stuff is all sent- they started reviewing things the other day.

I sent a Resume to University of San Francisco on a whim. Its a pretty crappy year long rm/brd only internship in the IE dept but it would be SOMETHING if all else fails.

I still haven't decided about Project Serve.

I am waiting on Lydia for Myles Fish's contact info at International Aid. Gonna see if he has anything for me there.

Also looking at worldvision, worldservants, youthworks, madventurer, among others- just keeping eyes open.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

So... I am job searching. And I am trying to be prayerful and serious about where I apply. I don't want to just apply and then turn down stuff. Eric Kelly said he has a job in mind for me with Youth for Christ, and that he can pass my resume along for me.. It is weird though. I have this weird thing about it because part of the salary is through support raising and I don't know how I feel about that. Number one I don't know that I have enough people who would "support" me, and secondly I just don't know how I feel about people being my "salary". Given it is only 1/2 salary but thats still al ot of money to be raising annually. On the other hand I sort of like the idea of people being involved in my work. It is an interesting thing in ministry, especially missions. The idea that people want to contribute monetarily to contribute to service when they themselves may not be able to do the work. Like people sending money so you can go on a trip to mexico- they themselves can't take off the week but they are given an opportunity to be a part of the work through support. So I don't know. I guess I am stuck on what to do. I was looking at the programs again and starting to think its not as bad as I thought. I also looked at the position that is open and its pretty awesome, and in Englewood, CA. So I don't know. I guess I need some wisdom. The other thing I am weird about is that although I am applying to all sorts of things (that I am ACTUALLY interested in, not just eVERYTHING like some people I know) I feel like if I tell him to put out my resume that I can't really turn it down if I get the offer, and that would be an insult to ... blah blah blah.. grr.. So this is me venting because I am a poor little educated girl with connections to great jobs and too many options. :)

Goodnight. I need sleep. PS> I am in Ann Arbor, I WILL get homework done this weekend, and I bought this amazing popup book- book.. ITS SOOOO COOL.. I am officially addicted.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Panera

SO this is funny. I am in Michigan.. but at panera. Yeah I can't escape it. Free internet.. thats all Im sayin. I am meeting russ in an hour and a half at Applebees and trying to figure out what I need to talk with him about. I don't want it to be another wishy washy convo.. but now IM the one who is lost. I applied to the few internships and jobs and I just don't know what I'll be doing. I was so set. But things change, life is about adaptation and following your heart right? So.. thats what I'm doing I guess.


MMMMmmmmm coffee

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Capris.. just for spite.

I am willing it to be spring. No seriously I love spring, and I love this week of weather. Sort of like God is dangling a yo-yo and it represents the temperature changes.. a touch of cold, a touch of warm etc. Its sort of odd because I really appreciate it. I sort of see the beauty in it when I heard about the "sugaring" process- aka making maple syrup. Vermont's is the best around and apparently cold nights and warm days are what makes the sap "run". Interesting and fun.

I am off to FINGO tonight at Austine. Im not going to lie I am nervous. But not for fear of seeing Josh, rather- do I know my colors and numbers? haha.. seriously- Im nervous!!hahah.. I haven't been using it as much- not that Josh and I sat and counted together or anything. oh well!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I heart lightning.

Tonight it thunderstormed. I was napping- too exhausted and feeling unproductive to stay awake after dinner. I woke up at the startling thunder- I had cracked my window to the cool breeze that afternoon. The first thing I did was close my door turn off the lights. I tied off my curtain, and rearranged my pillows and blankets so I was cozied and basically hugging the window sill. The crushing sound of rain is so amazing. In my ears it is my favorite sound I think- refreshing, cleansing, dangerous. Rain is individual and collective, free, unchecked and all encompassing. It hits all the land, and has no issues with diversity. Rain quenches our thirst, and overruns our streets. I love it. There is something beautiful about warm spring rains. A lot of somethings actually. The lightning tonight was brilliant, literally! I didn't have contacts in, and I couldn't see much through the screen or trees, but I was blinded despite. The light penetrated the tree cover, and shocked my eyes closed no matter how hard I tried to keep them open. Sometimes I feel like lightning reaches our soul, that when you see it- God touches your soul and awakens your heart. He brings light to the dark crevices, the "dark and twisty" we all have inside. Where some fear lightning, I embrace it. I see God in lightning. For me that moment between the lightning and thunder is my repentance. God brings the light, I breathe in, out, and boom. I am clean, washed white, free, and hopeful once again. I haven't had a good storm in awhile. The storm was only a few miles away tonight, a few hit pretty close to home. At times I looked up at the tree outside my window and thought- if God wanted to, he could strike that tree and kill me in an instant. Why doesn't he? Not that I want to die, but what is it about our creator that he can be so merciful, so full of grace. I am only a girl. I am only a mistake-maker. I am only a child. I am only... his daughter. Ahhh.. maybe thats it. For today at least I see that I am His child, and that suffices my pain. I am not a mother, but I know what it is to be a daughter, especially His daughter.

So today the lightning brought me freedom. He broke the changes, cast off the burdens. I am His again, free and clear.

His lightning lights up the world; the earth sees and trembles. Psalms 97:4

His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. Mathew 28:3

From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder. Revelation 4:5

The voice of the LORD strikes with flashes of lightning. Psalm 29:7

Wink.

Feeling good about life again. Today was a somewhat productive day. A good day in class, email from the realtor lady, got my templates done for my training, I am about to start on work for tomorrow.. it is looking up :)

I found a few apartments that will take the cats too and only like 325/mo!! Hopefully they aren't too ghetto fab but its GH it cant be THAT ghetto.

Heard from Amber today- prayers that her hearing went better than it sounds..

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Stomach Flu

To add insult to injury- I have the stomach flu. I can't keep anything down. Sad day. But on a lighter note I feel better about life today. I feel hopeful and ok about things.

On the Cusp.

Sometimes hitting rock bottom is the best thing for you. Last night really felt like it, but you know what? The one thing Ive learned about rock bottom is that sometimes it can be a catalyst for change. I really want and need to change some things in my life. There are some things that are going incredibly well for me- unexpected support from people I barely know or haven't known for awhile, art becoming a daily product, classes, family etc. But there are other things going on right now that are inexplicably destructive. I won't blog about them- but it came to my attention last night that I really need to give up a few things. The biggest is my need to be in control of my life, my emotions and my image. I'm giving them up.. and I do mean that directionally. As in giving them UP to God. I can't do it anymore. I shouldn't have tried in the first place but it is my nature. I am so so SO grateful to Him that I am in a place where shame isn't an option, where I am allowed my mistakes and rock bottoms without the world falling to pieces and all integrity eternally lost. It is odd to find both peace and instability in the "world". I find my friends here to be so much more accepting of growth, backslides and really LEARNING. Despite that, I am ready to come home. I mean that in so many ways. I need home in the sense of finding myself in God's hands again, I need home in my faith family, I need home in who I am and more importantly the person I have been working to be for so many years.

Last night was dark.. it was not the me I want to be. Im done escaping.

Friday, March 28, 2008

I finally got a lead on a "possible" apartment opening. Whether or not it works out it is nice to atleast have SOMETHING to follow through with.

I felt super yucky today.. throat nasty and coughy.. I fear I am getting Cici and Kiera's cold- hopefully I'll beat it into submission with sleep and liquids.

Tomorrow:

10am TSA Clearness meeting
3pm Prison Industrial Complex Abolition mtg for my class with Ken
5pm Austine School: Academic Bowl
after: Keene, dancing, escaping on campus parties post VooV