Thursday, June 21, 2007


This is going to be one of those posts I regret.. you know.. openness that should probably be held back for the sake of saving face, salvaging pride or whatever. But right now I don't care about my pride, or my face.

I find myself in an unusual predicament. I am on the couch in a house empty of all inhabitants, except for the demon fish in the tank and the fat spider I trapped under a tupperware I am too chicken to move. I watched a little So You Think You Can Dance, did some Sudoku, and I was about to read some Harry Potter. My sister is at work, overtime for some fat cash, the kids are at Julies for the week, and Bill isn't back from his week in one of the Dakotas yet. I am not working again til after our week at the shore and I am realizing how quickly this summer is zooming by. Soon Ill be a graduate student struggling through case studies and research papers, trudging through snow in less than professional clothing, and yuckin it up with international students from all over the world. Before that I get to trudge Colorado with my favorite youths, do some hiking, and praise God for hours! I feel like so much is going on in my life, but at this very moment I am struggling to find activities to keep myself from my least favorite activity.... pining.

I hate pining, especially when there is so much mystery. I haven't heard from Tim all week, since Sunday night. Now let me add some context to those in the dark on this one.. hopefully Tim doesn't get weirded out if he reads this.. Number one I know not many read this blog anyway.. second.. oh well :P
Tim and I have been talking for about 2 1/2 months.. by talking I mean phone convos, emails, texts etc. It has been such a blessing getting to know him, and I have gotten used to hearing from him regularly. I don't feel like he "owes" me the calls, it is just nice to talk to him, and hear about his day. Point is I have gotten accustomed to his companionship no matter how trivial the conversations, and it is weird to feel a sadness because I haven't heard from him in 4 measly days.

The reason I say I hate pining is because it feels so selfish. Why hasnt he called ME? Maybe Ill call him, no I shouldn't be a stalker like that. I sent him a message he hasn't messaged ME back. I don't know, maybe it is just the fact that I assume he is off doing amazingly adventurous things like actually working, playing with my youths, walking Maddie, and spending time with the people I love like Russ, Lacey, etc. So what it comes down to is I am jealous, super jealous for his time. The other aspect is I have no right to be jealous for HIS time. So what changed in the past 2.5 months? When did my heart get wrapped in this guy I've never met but I feel like Ive known for years? Do I take a step back?.. Do I take it as a blessing?.. Am I obsessing?.. I don't know.

I have learned a few lessons though:
  • God pines for my time.. He wishes I would turn away from the computer, tv and HP and spend time with him..
  • God knows if Tim is worth pining over.. He'll show me in due time..
  • Tim is worth the friendship..
  • It is never wrong to care about someone, or to let them know they have touched your heart.
  • I crave companionship, I miss being in a relationship that is based on God's will, I will be ready for a serious relationship very soon, but not quite yet.
  • My nephew gives the best hugs, my niece the best smiles, my sister is quickly becoming my best friend, that makes me happier than I could ever say.
So.. to top off the longest weirdest post ever...
Tim, don't be freaked out... this is me working things out. I love talking to you, hearing about your day, or just saying Hi.. you will never "owe it to me" to call, but it brightens my day. I have invested some of my heart in you, and I like to know you are doing well. Prayers for the end of your rotation, the test, issues with friends, your ministry to our youths, and to a summer of surprises.

Amber, I love you with all my heart, and I am so proud to be your sister. Your friendship means the world, you have always been someone I can look to for strength and love.


1 comment:

abbey said...

i was afraid i had to sign up to leave you a comment. buttt apparently i don't.
oh phyllis chill i miss you! i wish you could come sit on my bed and we could chat! ahaha. life is busy with me too.
between working (now as a lifeguard AND as a server i am working close to 30-40 hours a week), and open houses, and family, and friends, and now (a sort boyfriend?!?! aahh! yes, the same boy who i told you about on the phone). life is insane. i feel like i am in the same position as you in some ways, just, one school behind. Haha.
i love you, and i am praying for you. but i could also use some prayers myself. it's hard to stay so close to God when you feel like you're being torn in a few directions at once. i will go into depth later when i can actually talk to you.
but know that i am thinking about you and missing you more than ever!

love always,