Saturday, September 29, 2007

Good times..

Ive written about this before.. but I have been hanging out with this cool group of folks from Keene.. yup that includes you Andrew "Keene" Metell... I chilled out with him/them last night for a few hours and had a really good time. Its nice finding people you can just enjoy spending time with.. no strings, expectations or requirements (aka alcohol or "the best night ever"). I am still a little sick and it was nice to chill out, walk around, snag a slice, watch a good movie and just relax. I am also grateful for tea. mmm.. that was good.

Today began a little later than desired but so far the morning has been quite relaxing. A little studying, some cleaning, stretching, munching. Real chill. This evening Dave and I are going out to play some mini-golf then off on some adventure I am unaware of but thoroughly excited for. Seems like a cool dude with his head on straight. I get a kick out of grounded creativity so we'll see how it goes.

Tomorrow morning Kiera and I are checking out a church together. She seems like she is in the same place I am as far as what we are looking for in a church so it should be fun to get to know her and try and find a place in the area. I crave fellowship and community. I know the point of SIT is to welcome diversity and thrive on the culture of differences, but I need some support. I am stressing out quickly and I need to get my mind and faith back in line a little. It has been awhile since I have just let it all go. I'm grateful His yoke is easy, and burden light, cuz I need to rest a little.

Dad is stressing me out. I'm going to just lay that out there. His solutions for my life are so frustrating, because they feel so contrary to who I am. I don't feel like he even begins to understand who I am and what I want for my life. Being here and learning about the different values frameworks has allowed me to be more patient, however it also brings to light the fact that he may never understand what is important to me because our basic values differ so strongly. I wonder how long it will take us to come to a point where it settles. He feels like I ignore everything he says, or purposefully goes the opposite direction. In some point I see that as true, not because what he says is bad inherently since it comes from him, but because our values are so different. The things he holds most dear are the things that mean the least to me. I don't need a successful lucrative job to take care of myself, be proud of myself and especially not to be happy. If thats what it takes to make him proud, than I'm sorry but that may never happen. I feel bad, but my happiness isn't going to come from making him proud, but rather what makes me respect myself. My joy comes in working hands on in the world, making change and doing what I can to improve the world one life at a time. If I do end up making a good amount of money, the majority of it will be spent allowing me to share that wealth, pay for travel, and not to gain respect or title. I would be content to get a job at barnes and noble, and work with the youth group as an intern/assistant. That work is enough for me. I hope that I can find a way to do something I love full time, but it is more important that I do what I love than to do something I hate and live "easily". My big dream, that I have stated here a few times, will probably leave me dirt poor for many many years. I will probably end up in debt for awhile. I guess part of me craves the challenge of it all. thats not the only reason, just a tiny portion.

Besides all that the only way it will be pulled off is if God is behind it. I am trying to get back to a point where I feel like I am trusting God with my education, future, family etc. I thnk I have been mad at God a little this summer. After Colorado, I struggled coming to him with Stuff.. I feel it in my attitude towards life. I don't like that.

Mom.. you sound like you are doing pretty good. I am happy.. i miss talking to you all the time. Ill try and call more often. I don't know how to pray for you any more. I do my best. I love you, I miss you, and you are on my heart. Be strong. I am so proud of you, what a great strong woman you are!

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