Sunday, September 02, 2007

Mixed Emotions

So tomorrow is the big day. Here's my plan.

6:30am: Wake up, shower, pack up remnants of my crap in jessie's room.
8:00am: Leave for VT via: 95N-287E-95N-91N... pretty simple.. plus no dealing with NYC.
1-3pm: Arrive in Brattleboro. Hopefully sooner than later... preferably with a pitstop at this mall on the way to see if they have a better winter clothes selection up in that area (Holyoke, MA).
5pm: settled in dorm, dinner and off to hang with already made new friends. There is some sort of a social that night after our dorm meeting.. but we'll see. Maybe some peeps will hit the town. Then again it will be Labor Day.. so it may be a ghost town. I bet walmart will be open across the river!! haha. Or maybe they will have a WAWA!!!!

For now, I am drying freshly dyed hair, watching heroes, and relaxing in an empty house.

Emotions rolling through me:

Nerves, anxiousness, excitement, disappointment, fear, hope, "feelings", frustration, gratefulness, sadness, impatience, unrest, uncomfort.

Thoughts:

Ive done this before, no biggie
Oh shit this is the big one.
I wish, if only, oh well, what now, whatever.
God be with me.
I love family.
God is good.
I wish I knew the next step.
Am I ready?.. of course!.. well.. maybe
I want a hug, a kiss, a pat on the back, and an I love you.

These are the days when my desire for a serious relationship really hit me. God I wish I had a partner in life. Thats all I want. Someone to walk with me through the hard stuff, say you'll be fine, and also say I know you're scared, I can see it in you. I know you well enough to see it. Shit I wish I had someone near who could see how petrified and nervous I am. How did I do this last time? How did I go to undergrad so far away, with no fears whatsoever? Was I running? Part of me thinks four years seemed so long of a time that I didn't consider the end in sight. For me four years in one place meant having a home. I am serious about wishing I had someone.. I feel like if Steve was around he would be a comfort.. he's heard me whine and freak all summer long. But no he has to live a bejillion miles away.. sometimes I think long distance friends are useless. Almost as useless as long distance boyfriends. Almost. But if I didnt have long distance friends.. I would never have any friends. Cuz the people I am closest to always tend to live a few states away when I need them.

SHIT. Im scared. Im pumped as well. But Im nervous I am going to hate it, or suck, or hate the people, or get intimidated and hide in my little shell or something. SHIT.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't be nervous, you must realize that every other young adult starting grad school feels the exact same way. You will be amongst many others with butterflys in the belly. God will be with you, enjoy the ride! Life is good! A partner will be found when and where you least expect it, stop looking and yearning, and it will happen naturally. God Bless you on your funtastic journey!

Phyllistene said...

umm.. so who posted that?

Anonymous said...

Hey Peanut!! hate that dont ya?
How are you?? I know its not easy,and you are nervous and scared,but honey, what a gift you have been given. New friends,wonderful new school,long distance friends, a family who loves you dearly...you will be great. Once you get your feet moving it will all fall into place.You are so good at what you do, as a person, as a witness,loving and loving life. Go get em!!!

I love you, Mom