Something hit me today as I read 1 Chronicles. Odd since I rarely actually read when perusing 1/2 Chronicles.. so and so begat so and so etc.. But today God used it. I was reading about how Reuben messed up and his birthright as oldest son was passed to Joseph. Man. I bet if he had known that he could have been the "Abraham, Isaac and Reuben" that he wouldn't have slept with someone else's concubine, or whatever it was. Sometimes I think about the dumb stuff I do that just seems like stupid choices. Have I missed out on my Abraham Isaac and Phyllis? haha. No but seriously.. I know that noone is perfect, and that if Reuben wouldn't have messed up Joseph wouldn't have had a shot at rocking the Pharoahs world. But still.. I want to fulfill the role God has for me in the world, and sometimes I think I am wasting my life away waiting for it to happen. Should I jump? Every sunday we tell youth that they are Jumping into God's will by being here this week and opening their lives up for God to move and transform them. Have I forgotten to Jump?
Its possible that I am super irrational today. but something within me is moving and writhing to get out. What am I missing? Am I denying God the chance to make me that third name? Or am I reubening by making easy choices and taking the road given me. We'll see I guess.. thats my catch phrase for life. I just wish I could take the bull by the horns and run in God's direction.
I sent an email to the Earlham Univ. Border Studies Program again today.. I never heard if they filled the position.. I also emailed Greaterworks, and still waiting about the YW! AD position... I feel pretty at peace though. Sometimes I just want to hit the road, grab a friend and explore people, organizations, communities.
I was sitting today thinking that the one thing I cherish about Youthworks summers is that I am always engaged with the world. I can't check out and read email, facebook or watch tv/movies. I am always in relationship, spending time with people etc. It reminds me of my desire to travel and invest in the body of Christ in an organic way. Not tied to an organization or a city, but engaging people in different places, blessing them, encouraging them, getting to know their personal culture. Its not that I don't want to settle somewhere eventually, but I don't want a life of complacency. I want to move, to be God's instrument, and have freedom in that movement.
Sheesh.. God is doing a lot in me these past few weeks. It is great, but I am sort of soul worn a bit.