Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Finding Home

Classes started today. But thats nothing.

For the first time in a long long long time, I found home in myself again. I have finally found who I have not been for such a long time, and for such a long time has missed being.

If that doesnt make sense to you, dont worry. I feel at home with myself. And how did I find it? Well I have found where God fits in me. Or rather where I fit in God. I have struggled with it for so long. Do I have to be a missionary to be a good Christian? Can I only go to church once a week and still be a Christian? Can I be an unfaithful person and still be ok in God's eyes? The answer. I don't have to fit God into whatever turn my life goes in. I don't have to cut a God shaped box in my heart and slip Him in. What I need to do is allow myself to live IN HIM. That is such a cliche thing but I have realized it today. How? Well I dont know. But let me explain a moment to you.

I was in chapel today. I got there and felt the grumbles begin. I didn't want to be there, or I didnt want anyone to think I did. I didnt know whether I wanted to be there or not. I had had so many moments over the past years full of cynicism: All they do is sing no one cares what they say. And then the times where I could see the people with eyes closed and hearts bursting for God and think Showoffs.. they dont mean it. Rediculous.

Something happened in chapel today however. Blessed be thy name. The version where it talks about Blessing Gods name when the world is right or if the world is all wrong. Every time I hear that song I think of my life and see how much God has blessed my name. And I kind of realize as well how little glory I give to God for it. I thank him for the perseverence and character he gives me, but never really ask for more. I never really want to trust my life to more of his "teachings".

The other half of it is this: I am kind of scared to become a "christian girl". The one who glows with love and character, with hospitality and gentleness. The girl who goes on mission trips and babysits for free. I don't want to slip into the "cliche christian girl". The girl all boys think they can bring home to mom cuz they are the "right kind of girl". I dont want to be cast as that girl. Its not that I dont want to be a good person, a person who loves God, or a person of good moral character who is good enough to bring home to mom. I do however want people to see me, see my character and see the flaws as well as the perfections. I want to be a servant of Christ but not one that blindly follows cuz its in the church bulletin. So how do I set myself apart. Well now theres another thought. I am desiring to set myself apart. From good Christian people. So what does that mean? Am I a holier than thou? or do I just desire a genuine faith so that people can taste and see that the Lord is good? My family wont find God because I am "good to bring home to the fam". Thats too "transparent". Rugged Christianity is what I want. And yet that requires truth, confession, and brutal forgiveness, mercy and humility. Much of which I am also petrified.

So I am struggling with where God fits in my heart. Or I was anyway. Until I closed my eyes and sang "Blessed be thy Name" your GLORIOUS NAME! and it all melted away. It was good that I was wrestling with my faith, but even better knowing that God was glorious whether I was Cookie Cutter Christian or Rugged Hardcore Christian. Hey maybe I can just be Phyllis Chill aspiring to be more like the Christ who has been with me from creation.

A song that breaks my heart in a good way:
"Worlds Apart"
I am the only one to blame for this

Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide

With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die
To turn away and not become

Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
[Additional lyrics:]
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now,take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I praytake my world apart

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