A Fear of Fall

A developed phobia. Yes.. I am afraid of the Fall. Not like adam and eve's "Fall", or even falling, which I often partake in. The season. A season of browning trees, gradually chillier air, and lots of homework. Unfortunately over the past few years all of the "crap" in my life happens in the fall. I have participated in funerals for a four person car accident, 2 drownings, a grandmother and a friend with cancer; an almost pregnant best friend, divorced parents, suicide attempts (cousin's not mine), injuries, brother/sister feuds, breakups, holiday disasters, and so so much more! It seems like every time fall comes around I can expect and experience a tragedy or emotionally draining and trying time. Now all of this sounds like complaining I know, but I have developed an appreciation and gratefulness of brokenness before God. As much as I fear the hurt and pain of losing loved ones, or dealing with trying times, I know that this is merely an ironic answer to prayer. After my very first tragedy (losing four good friends in a car accident) I began a continual prayer for a soft heart. I feared that at losing others, mourning and feeling hurt I would harden my heart against emotions for the sake of self preservation and relief. Only now do I realize that those prayers are answered by a continual brokenness (ironic that fall, a season of death, is followed by spring, a season of renewal). What I did not know is that although I may fear being hurt again, part of me desires those continual tests as a way in sharing the raw heart of compassion Jesus had as well. I would rather feel pain often and be able to share that with others hurting, than to stand in the sunshine and not understand why others are so upset. As much as I wish many of the horrible things that happened wouldn't have happened, I also would never desire to have lived without those experiences. I am the person I am today because of the things I have overcome. I know that there are many people in the world who have had to overcome so much more than me, that I am blessed, safe, happy and surrounded by people who love me. I also know that there are many people at this school alone who have faced few trials in their lives, and their faith reveals that.
I believe that God teaches, and molds us in specific ways through losses and trials. He reminds us that He alone is the source of life when we lose people to death. He reminds us who is important in our lives, and how to depend on others for support while holding true to Him first and foremost. He reminds us that he is in control, and protecting, when we escape predicaments and barriers.
Thank you Lord for your constant work and saving grace in our lives. I say this with a tentative heart, but soften, and gently continue to break and remold my heart as you see fit. I desire more of you, and in that desire your death and shame as well. Thank you for the opportunity to partake in the truth of your broken body.