4:34am

I am at work right now. It is Christmas eve. Well Christmas morning I guess. All around the nations kids will be shaking their parents awake hoping that its not too early to start opening presents. I was thinking about Christmas and laughing at how many fun traditions it entails. Slyly peeling tape away from presents to peek. You had to do it only with certain types of tape on certain types of wrapping paper and if mom found out or noticed.. yikes. I only have a few strong memories of Christmas but I do know that the experience was in general a good one. We would always get to check out our stockings first while the parentals woke up. We had probably already opened a present the night before which usually set me to bed and I had freaky nightmares of this creepy santa looking elf in my closet for many Christmas eves. I don't think I ever told mom that. I always thought I would sound stupid tellign her there was a monster in my closet. Even at like 7 I knew she'd think I was just being a punk. But for reals folks. There was a tiny santa man who lived in my closet every Christmas eve and he scared me into not trying to catch mom aka Santa putting presents under the tree. He was like the Big Brother elf and I just KNEW I would get coal if I thwarted this little creature. He also made me scared to even step on the floor. But then that was probably because I remember my sister once telling me about some slasher dude in West Michigan who would hide under cars and slash peoples achilles then steal their purse and car while they writhed and screamed in pain. I thought of that every time I stepped out of bed at night.

Older Xmas'
Other than nightmares Christmas Day was always so fun. As a little kid I just remember opening presents and relaxing most of the day. I'm sure we went outside and played in the snow but I don't really remember any crazy details. My mom probably does. Most of the Christmases I remember and relish were when I was in highschool. My mom and I both worked at Barnes and Noble and we would work the holiday schedules together. It was such fun. Busy and crazy with all the holiday traffic. We'd get off work Xmas eve. Do presents or food or whatever then go to bed and work together the next day. We'd make time and a half and still be able to enjoy the holiday together.

Grandma Fly
I would usually do Christmas with Dad at the aunts and uncles houses, or Grandma Phyllis' when she was still alive. Every once in a while I realize how much I miss spending time with Grandma. She really understood me and listened. She stood up for me a few times and was always so proud of me and my choices. She was joyful and giving and kind, creative, musical, and just such a blast. She was sarcastic and dorky sometimes, she played the piano beautifully and was such a hard worker. Incredibly intelligent with amazing stories to tell. She cooked like a wonder and was a tough old bird playing 12 holes of golf in her 70s. I'm proud to be her namesake. I wish I could name a future daughter after her but Id feel like people would be like.. yeah whatever.. she's named after YOU. haha

Present
Now I don't appreciate Christmas much. I think when I have kids I will appreciate it more. I think I've become somewhat jaded by the holiday. Not the joy of family, or giving.. just the necessity this culture has of the yearly rite.

"You going home for Christmas?"- stranger says.
"No I'm working and I'll just chill out."- phyllis says.
"You have to come to my house for Christmas then." -stranger says.
"No thanks, I don't mind. I'll talk to my family. Thats enough." phyllis says.
"How can you not celebrate? Thats so sad!" stranger says.

Meanwhile I am thinking. ... You really think I would rather spend a chaotic traditional "family" holiday with a stranger's family making exhausting small talk and getting pitiful looks while they exchange presents, and probably reserve the "extra" present for me.. the sad excuse for a guest.
I'd rather chill out in my pjs, read a book, watch a movie, go get coffee somewhere, go walking, be alone and relax than feel like an awkward intruder on anyone's holiday. Its one thing if you know them super well but why do strangers think this is a good idea? I've gotten offers from 5 different families that I barely know from work. No thank you. I will take leftovers and reruns. And I will be joyful.

Updates:
Justin is still doing well. I miss him pretty miserably but I am happy he is well and working hard. It has been an interesting experience to work through but for once in my life I have found a good man who has a heart for God and is sane enough to make me think he may not break my heart or go crazy. This could actually work out. Which is encouraging. I was beginning to think I was attracted to only nutjobs, liars, and toads that never turn into princes.

I brought home this stray cat who we have fondly dubbed Lil Bitch.. and or Jezebel. She's awful and I cannot wait to get her to the pound as quickly as possible. She's cute for like three seconds then you just want to dump her in a bin. Its sad because I do love cats but I think my three boys are just some of the best cats I've had in awhile. They are obedient and sweet, but still just aloof enough that they don't crawl all over you. They come when you call them.. sleep on my bed just enough to make me feel cared for, and they don't make a mess or get into stuff. What more could you as for? Well poor charlie and the boys have had a rough few days with lil B around. She is not making things easy for herself either. I've banned her to nights in the garage because I just can't take them hissing and meowing all the time.

Work is crazy. Though not at 5 in the morning on Christmas Eve. They made it sound like I'd be breaking up fights and stuff but its super quiet. Everybody is either gone or asleep. Thank God.