I feel like me.

This has been a crazy week.

Josh and I officially broke up.. or rather I broke up with Josh. No I will not go into details on my blog but there is a wide range of reasons and only some of you know them. I have this fear that I am going to end up the cold heartless bitch in this situation.. if thats the case I can take it, I have thick skin. I know that I surprised him and pretty harshly broke his heart. I feel bad about it. I feel bad for not being more open weeks ago when I was already feeling off about it and too scared to start another "how can we fix this" discussion. Anyway... For those of you who have been so supportive, thank you. For those who think I'm the heartless bitch, thats ok too.. Josh needs support as well.


Where I am at now:

I have been in this wondrous peace. I am focused on what God is calling me to. I am sending resumes and applications to places that might be interested.. I am writing out my proposal for First Pres and starting to find a way to get in touch with the youth who may want to participate in it. I am excited about maybe going to Spain, Mexico and the latest desire is Argentina. I am excited that my world reopened this week and once again the opportunities are limitless as God's imagination.. which is pretty big since he is the creator of the world and all.

Monday is my birthday. It is such great timing. I have always dreaded birthdays because I always get my hopes up for something awesome and though they have been great something weird happens, or I get sick :-p This year I am taking this weekend by storm. I have my whole weekend free and not very much homework. Although monday is my actual birthday I am celebrating early. Monday will be spent in Keene enjoying free coffee and reading for classes that inspire me. So far we are looking at going dancing tonight downtown, Karaoke tomorrow, snowboarding (first time!) saturday morning. We are thinking about going to Amherst saturday night, but I also sort of want to go to this acappella concert downtown.. I haven't heard good vocals in a while. Sunday there is a christian fellowship brunch type thing I am going to with some people at a professors house, and then The girls a planning a "birthday shot" at midnight sunday night :) In the midst of that I have to write and send out my resume, but thats ok.. I think I can handle that :)

Hopefully this weekend I can shake off the negativity of last week and start anew. I don't regret josh and I's relationship and I hope we can be friends eventually. I don't see us "hanging out" comfortably for a while though, but thats only natural. I feel a great peace about where God is bringing me now, that Jeremiah verse rings true as does the one about a "new creation". Thats how I feel.. and to commemorate it, I dyed my hair. :)

I want to go!!!


http://www.sietarglobal2008.org/home/

Its in Spain. I found airfare online for 670. Ive never been to europe. Anyone want to come?

Getting excited for classes.

Despite drama and an upsetting weekend... I started my readings today for my training classes and I have to say I am officially getting excited about my profession. I think in the past few weeks I have really started to realize the depth of how much I want to do what it is I am being educated to do. I joined the "Young SIETAR" organization which is Society for Intercultural Education Training and Research... they have conferences and workshops all over the world, great networking, mentorship programs and some other cool stuff. I am seriously considering investing in going to the "congress" conference they are holding in grenada in October. The workshops look incredible and the stuff they work on is right up my allley.. I have been reading about the Ethics of Intercultural training and they are talking about what a "competent ICC trainer" looks like. They walk through some of the basic competencies and I am realizing that SIT is sneaky and amazing. A big majority of these things have already been covered or experienced via my classes. Social Identity, OB1, ICC, Training Design, and even some of Social Change all cover about 75% of it and I haven't even taken my second semester of it. Now given I am not completely competent but atleast I recognize the theories, names, and have a basic understanding of most of the biggest aspects. It makes me finally feel like I am on the right track, I do have skills and knowledge and I know where I am going. I am interested to see if there is an organization that might hire me for a bit to gain more experience.. man.. I need to get my resume together already :)

ya..

Hoy es un dia en que trato de entender quien soy, y que quiero.. mucho mas lo que quiere Dios de mi vida, de mi alma y el servicio a que me llama. En este momento.. siento tan perdida... no sé que siento más que eso. Es posible que josue y yo ya no mas ser juntos.. es mi culpa... otra vez destruyé una relación relativamente bueno con mi falta de paciencia.. con mi necesidad de hablar de cada cosa que pienso y que entra por un segundo a mi mente. En parte.. siente que es lo que pasará en meses a pesar de la buena de nuestra relación. Habia cosas en que no sentía muy bien, diferencias en carácter, en lo que valemos nosotros, en como queremos vivir y en que sentimos de cosas importantes. Pienso que vivo a veces en el frase que quiero mas al idea de la persona que a la persona especificamente. A veces pienso que es verdadero en como yo actuo con los hombres buenos. Si el es hombre bueno, y eso es bastante. Pero despues de semanas y meses de hombre bueno, me doy cuenta que a pesar de ser tipicamente bueno.. no es el bueno para mi. No es él para mí y estaba trayendo el hombre por un túnel o un viaje.. y el no ve que no le ama personalmente, sólo lo que quiere que sea. No sé si este blog es español bueno, o si los que lo lea lo entienda, pero a mí es importante dar al universo la verdad que siento. Yo peleo con mi mismo. Yo no sé que quiere Dios más que el llamado de ministrio que ya me dio. Esto sé. Esto siento. Esto quiero. Si será muy bueno si un hombre bueno pueda ser parte y acompañarme en este llamado, pero si no.. si yo siempre sera soltera... esto lo puedo hacer muy bien para la gloria de Dios. Porque no quiero nada más que El Dios que me persigue. Nada más. nadie más.

Quiero hablar con mi familia de fé. Quiero reunirme con mi Dios a quien no he hecho caso estos meses pasados. Lo siento Dios. Perdoname.. ayudame.. amame como siempre.

Sea of Writing

I just finished pulling together my piece of our powerpoint for our presentation on the Secure Fence Act of 2006.. aka the big berlin wall between us and Mexico. I am going to post a few pics about it.. it is some interesting and terrifyingly wasteful stuff.. BOO. PS. the pic in black and white is of the Berlin Wall for real. Crazy huh? It sort of brings me back to my days in Mexico. I should upload a picture i have of what we could see from our compound.. We could literally see the highway and border.. You could see the differences in development between El Paso and Juarez.. it was a sad sad sight, especially when the mexican shanty towns were punctuated with ugly factories. yuck.

Now I am off to go write my paper on my "leadership style". I have chosen Servant Leadership because I really think it reflects how I lead. I am talking about RUss as a key exemplifying leader of that style.. he was always a servant first. Even if things change, he taught me a lot back in those days.

Stuck.

Cici just pulled my car out to go drive and pick up her mom.. and got stuck on our hill .. hahha.. also the handle to my little car is about to fall off.. I really need to get that checked out. So easily stealable.

Just bought some Oh's, and V8Fusion-my new love.

This week has pretty much sucked. well.. things have just been super weird and confusing. The epitome was last night, but I don't plan to share the details of that to the wide world. Lets just say sometimes "life" sucks and it shat on me last night. Now I am tired, and I have ton of work to do that I am not looking forward to. I am ready for this semester to be over with. These two classes are a waste of my energy right now and I am officially stressed and frustrated. I need to play some frisbee and get out some of my frustration, but it is snowint and the indoor group isn't coming together as quickly as i would hope. Arg.

On a happy note I talked to Liz Johnson (now Demerest) and heard all about her baby and how things are going. i miss that girl so much, it will be great to be able to see her more often when I move back to michigan this summer

I am also super excited for my brothers wedding this summer, and seeing my sister next week. I need the break so badly..