Tuesday, November 06, 2007


A) I think I am saved from the wrath of my misspellings. I sent a confirmation email to Reg at World Vision with a corrected attachment. A few hours later I got an email from a lady who works with the West Virginia/Appalachia programs saying she was sending it in to HR. So hopefully that means that he just remembered and sent the new version. Does that sound logical?

B) I have a big presentation on Classism on Friday for Social Identity. My "part" of the research was on Cuba but I sort of slacked off. I got distracted by other things and pretty much just gave up. It was difficult to find an array of information on Cuba let alone recent research on its class structure post the legalization of the dollar. Anyway. I volunteered to be more involved with the activity facilitation and discussion plus put together the powerpoint. I feel better about it but I still sort of feel myself slacking. On a lighter note I finished my ICC paper in record time with good confidence that I will pass, and we had our last class period today (it is only two credits so only 8 weeks of class) SO that is one full day during the week that I will have free to catch up on all my other stuff.

C) I started reading Everything Must Change by Brian Mclaren. I had heard of his books and Steve just finished the trilogy (New Kind of Christian etc). He always intrigued me. I have heard him quoted in a lot of the sermons that really resonate with me so I was excited to dig in. I really like it so far. It is doing a great job of ripping apart the institution and historically horrible track record of Christianity in exchange for a faith that is actually focused on Jesus' goals, actions and most importantly hopes. It feels good to read a book that resonates with my heart at this moment. I feel like the weight of Christianity's horrible past has been on my shoulders a little bit at this school and I'm ready to give it UP. I can't blame people for judging the failure of christianity. I can't blamed them for feeling judged by it. I can show them that I love them. I had a realization about this very fact the other day. I said something using the word hate to my dad.. not at him just in conversation. He said, you know I have never heard you say that about someone before. As he said that I realized I didn't even mean it. There are a few people in my life I feel like I should be allowed to hate. But I still don't when I think about it deep deep down. Sometimes I feel like my dad's 77x7 times of forgiveness is about to run up, but it never does.

One thought: part of it goes all the way back to freshman year in highschool. The one person in the world that I have ever truly hated, and felt it, was Ryan Lyles. I remember the night I felt confident enough to say that phrase, "I hate him" coming up from a belly full of anger, hurt, and to pull from class 'internalized oppression. As I said it the many scenes of my worst years flashed through my head. In the midst of my family falling apart he used me as a pinata for his cruelest tricks. Now I know that it wasn't always him, and that at one time we might have been friends, or friends of friends at least. I think he was just the face that I focused it all on. I assumed he was the pack leader. I remember the taunts, the ridicule, the abuse, the depression, the longing to be accepted, the acceptance it would never happen. I remember consoling myself by hanging out with other people, yet knowing that I was being betrayed by my former friends with every step. Beautifully, in the midst of this a friend pulled me to youth group and God sort of plucked me out of that oppression, gave me hope and a cause. He gave me responsibility, leadership, and most importantly empowerment. Despite that, my freshman year I still remember harboring that hatred. The anger that all boiled into this one sack of hideous flesh. I remember being at the football game, it was dark, it was noisy. He passed and grimaced at me while doing so. I remember saying out loud : I HATE HIM. Later that night he and three of his friends stole a car and crashed into a tree, all four dying within minutes.

Now that is a long story merely to say that I don't think I have ever felt that hatred towards another human being again. Maybe it is because I have been empowered out of that internalized oppression, maybe because my heart healed in forgiveness, though a little to late. Possibly it was due to just never going through hell again like I did those few horrible years, praise God. All I know is that it is amazing to me that I can realize that I really don't hate anyone. It is odd alone that that is a surprise, but also a relief.

Now that I know I don't hate anyone, where do I go next. Can one not hate, but still not love? I feel like deep down I love everyone. I love you for instance, it doesn't matter who you are. God created you, God gave you life, and that is amazing to me. So whoever you are know that I love you. But that is not the question of the day. Love should be a verb should it not? So even if that layer of sentiment exists, where does action then come into play? How can I love my fellow human beings, on a personal and even individual way? I think Jesus had the answers. I think I'm gonna keep searching that out.

Sorry for the unintended ramble, but I guess I'm not really here to entertain you (i still love you!) so whatever. The point of today is to say I want to start exploring more. Venturing out with humanity in tow. Understanding more of my place within humanity and how I can make a difference within that world.

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