WORLD VISION!

So yesterday morning I emailed Lisa Sickler. She was one of the women we worked with in Reynosa when I went with youth group through World Servants. I emailed her to sort of spark her memory of me and see if she had any leads on places I could talk to about possible practicums or jobs. She emailed me back saying she would talk to her dad, who works at World Vision, and I would hear from him in about a week. So he emails me two hours later asking for my "letter of introduction" aka my cover letter. Panicking I called the PDRC and asked if there was any way I could meet with them, there just happened to be a cover letter workshop last night. SO I went to the cover letter workshop and learned all there is to learn about cover letters. I went home and called dad. He had some great encouragement and advice. So last night and this morning I tried my hardest to write a kickass coverletter. I think it was only kickbutt but it will function. I had issues because the organization is faith-based yet still very professional. This tension brings in different aspects of what they want to hear. They want to know I'll be a good example, that I have a faith in line with their own, and also that I am competent, experienced and interculturally savvy. So it was a rather long cover letter.. but not over one page as I was strictly instructed. I feel like I narrated more than I should but I already emailed it to him so lets cross our fingers.. and by that I mean pray.

The good thing is that I know God is so much bigger than networking. I trust him to make the right connections and he will impassion the right people to hire me. My hope is to be getting a hundred phone calls a day asking for me to work for THEM. hahah.. doubtful.. and scary.

The best thing about this scenario is that I know Lisa and Pattie.. and Lisa is way dependable. Ehem. So if all else fails and I can't find anything else to do.. I can always fall back on them to hook me up with something through World Servants. Ah well. I have higher hopes than that.

Halloween with Twiggy and Audrey

Hungry.

A great day.

Today was a good day all around. I blame phil for giving me some hope yesterday.

Got a message from Jon Striker today. What a guy. I haven't talked to him in so long, it was great to hear he is alive and well. Another one off the market :)

So I bought Ghost Peeps yesterday. that made me smile.. but they have these eyes that are made out of weirdness and that part isn't tasty at all.

Im so proud of myself for drinking a lot of water again. I am regaining a little energy that was much needed.

I played with my camera for awhile today.. self portraits and the like. trying to get used to the lighting issues, flashes, etc. I hate not being familiar with a camera.. you never know what is best for each camera.. unfortunately the flash on my camera is SO bright that self portraits with flashes make you look white as a ghost.. ill have to figure that one out.. any suggestions?

I haven't heard anything from the bank about my free ipod.. i hope they follow through or i will be sad. I am in NEED.. not need really.. but id like something to help me escape the chaos of campus and be able to just go walk in my own little world.

I ate a kiwi today and thought of phil :P

Today in training design, katy and i had to demonstrate an experiential learning technique. We wanted to be crafty so we did "construction" we had the students get into pairs, discuss different roles they play in society, and then using everything from paper to feathers create a hat that represents this role. It was pretty funny and katy and i got to make little "buddies" out of pipe cleaners. here they are:

Complete by Stephen Speaks

If i lay my voice
down at Your feet
would you still hear
my song echoing
i might end this game
of hide and seek
because in You

i am complete
oh in You
i am complete

all the voices i hear in my sleep
all the sins of my past echoing
to stay off my knees
and on my feet

oh but they,
they can't complete
cause in You i am complete

Katydid!

So kathryn answered her phone and I officially have a bed to rest in in Michigan. I'm sure I could crash at my brothers but I haven't talked to him in ages.. so I should take care of that before using him for a couch.

I still have a lot of reading.. and I accidentally slept in again. i need to stop doing that. oh well a few hours before class still ill be fine...

All of my reading last night was history related..

One book Eight Eurocentric Historians was a critique on the main schools of thought regarding the european rise to capitalism and their supposed superiority. So far I have gotten through the chapters on Weber, White and Brenner. Its pretty interesting. Actually its almost sad in a way that these historians can so easily be deconstructed and discreditied. I should probably learn the author of the books name, since I now believe he's on a roll.


I am also reading A Different Mirror, which is a survey of US history through the eyes of the minorities and immigrants. It is pretty interesting so far. I like the style of writing. It reminds me of A Peoples History, but its a little different.

We read a lot of excerpts from The Mismeasure of Man, which is utterly fascinating
The Roots of Racism a speech by Fidel Castro

Id love to read more Howard Zinn, W.E.B. Dubois

On a lighter note..

Last night was a relaxing movie night in Janeway. Today is work til you drop day.... I have a lot more reading to do than I convinced myself of. SO ill be getting on that soon enough..

I am excited for Halloween, and then stoked for Thanksgiving. Kathryn needs to answer her phone :(

An email a friend recieved:

(email from a friend:) We just got phone call with our sister living
in Yangon about a few hours ago. (name withheld for privacy; this is
a credible source who was speaking with an American who is living in
Burma--the following is info from that phone call)

We saw on BBC world, saying that 200 monks were arrested. The true
picture is far worse!!!!!!!!!

For one instance, the monastery at an obscure neighborhood of Yangon,
called Ngwe Kyar Yan (on Wei-za-yan-tar Road, Yangon) had been raided
early this morning.

A troop of lone-tein (riot police comprised of paid thugs) protected
by the military trucks, raided the monastery with 200 studying monks.
They systematically ordered all the monks to line up and banged and
crushed each one's head against the brick wall of the monastery. One
by one, the peaceful, non resisting monks, fell to the ground,
screaming in pain. Then, they tore off the red robes and threw them
all in the military trucks (like rice bags) and took the bodies away.

The head monk of the monastery, was tied up in the middle of the
monastery, tortured, bludgeoned, and later died the same day, today.
Tens of thousands of people gathered outside the monastery, warded
off by troops with bayoneted rifles, unable to help their helpless
monks being slaughtered inside the monastery. Their every try to
forge ahead was met with the bayonets.

When all is done, only 10 out of 200 remained alive, hiding in the
monastery. Blood stained everywhere on the walls and floors of the
monastery.

Please tell your audience of the full extent of the fate of the monks
please please !!!!!!!!!!!!

'Arrested' is not enough expression. They have been bludgeoned to
death!!!!!!

Another day shot...

So today wouldve been my day to get all my work done. why you ask? because I had a morning class and I wouldve had all afternoon and evening set aside for studying/writing etc. Well that was shot at 4am this morning when I awoke from my own death. Yes.. thats right.. people can die in their dreams. My mom and I died in a car accident in my dream last night. This is the second time I have died in my dreams. The first time was with jenni shepherd in high school about a month after 9/11. We both had the same dream that our school blew up and we and our friends who were with us died. I woke up with this buzzing feeling and the visual of floating above and seeing everything that was going on, but still feeling a peace. Much like what I would assume going to heaven might feel like.. or the intermediary part of that.

Unfortunately last nights dream was worse. Once the car crashed instead of zipping out of body and watching from above I felt hot. Not like skin crackling fire hot, more like internal body heat, fever kind of heat. On top of that I wanted to cry out, to have a feeling, sadness anger, fear but I couldn't it was this flat horrible apathy that I couldn't break out of. I couldn't speak, I couldn't hear anything but my own thoughts about how I wish I could talk with God, reach out to him and have him be there like he always is. Part of me realized that I do take that for granted. When I pray I do feel like someone is there recieving it, it isn't just going out into nothingness. This part of the dream if felt like I was in an everything proof box.. (not to be confused with a coffin.. but more of a metaphorical box). Like no matter what I said or felt, all my energies remained with me, all my feeling, all my lack of feeling.

A few things I realized about myself:

I hate my own apathy and lack of emotion. I have always struggled with passionately praying for the things that mean the most. It is rare that I have pleaded for anything. There are only a few people in the world who I have wrestled with God over. I think my experiences with the charismatic in high school have given me this fear. The fear that emotion is taking over the grounding in Truth. I saw people get swallowed up in the physical and spiritual experience without grounding it in the Truth, the Word, and the foundation needed to sustain life with this power. I need to reclaim that balance. I don't want to be apathetic. I despise apathy because I think it kills the soul. I want to feel the anger and fear and pain and joy and excitement of faith.

I am scared my mom will just give up. In my dream she let go of the wheel, and even though she was completely at peace with it (and I don't think the fact I was dying with her had anything to do with it.. I don't think it was her "bringing me down" too or anything) it still angered me a little. I will admit i was jealous of the peace I saw on her face, and I don't know if my mom has found that peace, but I do know that I hope she doesn't just give up. I love you mom. Don't give up. I know you are a fighter.. and I also know you are probably tired.

Funny enough part of the dream had something to do with worship. I love to sing, and I love to go to worship services where it is loud with great music and lots of excited people because I can "jam out" and sing my heart out without worrying about following the words. It can just bubble out of me in whatever way my voice feels in can contribute to the chorus. Sometimes my singing worship can be very heartfelt, but other times I just show off to myself. I love singing Jennifer Knapp etc because it is fun to sing. I think I need to start paying more attention to the words.

Lastly and related: I was singing the tune of JKnapps song His Grace is Sufficient, but I kept adding in that His Grace is Addictive too. Ill leave that one to simmer..

Luckily I journaled right after my dream and thank you to the many who walked me through my morning. I was so tired at lunch after not being able to sleep post death that I slept all afternoon and only just finished my dinner ready to get to work. that is 6 whole hours of study time lost. hopefully Ill have the energy to stay up and work.. but thank you to Brooke, Daniel, Steve and my Mom for talking to me. i don't think my prof noticed me texting in class.. i hope not. I barely spoke to anyone this morning and everyone knew something was wrong but i just couldn't digest it all. I can't explain how real this dream was.

DONT TRY IT ITS NOT FUN

Today was a weird day. Just weird. Didn't get a whole lot of work done, disc was poor, and awkwardness with people was at an all time high. oh well. I helped put together cici's shelf. And I got free pizza, and i talked to my mom.. which was happy.


prayer has helped me today. I am trying to come "home" a little bit more each day, and I can feel the stress rolling off my shoulder. He really will carry your burdens if you invite him in. I think everyone should try it at some point in their life, God will come through.

So...

This is what I am thinking..........


I think I am going to drive to Michigan for Thanksgiving. I am pretty sure it is only about 12 hours.. if I drive through Canada... I need some time to just relax and think.. Flying is so stressful sometimes.. That way I can do thanksgiving with my dad/fam, and then head to grand haven for a few days and see people.. I am sad I won't get to see shyle and nate, or lydia and scott, everyone moved! but Ill get to see a lot of other people I am craving hugs from.. so that will be nice.

Pray for me this week as I struggle to get work done.. and to work through a lot of conflicting emotions.

Well last night was the party in Keene. It was a blast. Craziness, drama, and some awesome people. We had a pretty great time so thanks to the boys for letting us join in on some new england good times. Now I need to get to the grindstone and church out some reading and papers. If I get enough done today Ill be heading to the Salsa Party tonight ... if not.. its ok.. Ill have disc tomorrow to use as a catharsis.

Last night brought up the same old emotions once again. I gotta figure out what I want pretty quick here or Im just going to destroy myself emotionally with the games. Im obviously being vague if you couldn't tell.. but there is some reality to the statements. I just have some decisions to make...

I miss you brooke.. I miss our talks. call me.

Whoops to Facebook.

I forgot these post automatically to facebook.. hehe.. sorry for the "cursing". Its a good thing I don't gossip.. too much. Cuz that would've been awkward.

Man it is a nice and comfortable 10:30.. I had four alarms go off this morning to wake me up. Why is it that the one morning I decide to sleep in (til 10) I have a zillion alarms go off, but the one day I have to be somewhere at 8:30am, they all fail. I guess thats just one of those things God lets happen to "humble" you.. hahaha...

Well this afternoon I have Training Design for Experiential Learning... aka TDEL .. gotta love the acronyms. It seems like it is going to be one of those "practical" classes rather than the discussion/deconstructive classes. So it will be more of a relief than anything. They told me going into Social Justice as a concentration that it was intense emotionally as well as academically.. I believe them. My heart and mind are TIRED. Deconstructing yourself day after day is tough. but soooo good.

Shit. Its October.

Well one month has passed in beautiful Vermont.

Today was an eventful day. ICC-Deaf Culture was super intense today. Shyle I will always think of you when working with sign language. Today's class was focused on deconstructing our self and bias and issues. It was very heavy, very hard but very educational. After class I drove to Keene to deposit my check at bank of america, and took the time to relax and really enjoy being myself. I ate a quesadilla at the local mexican burrito joint, did a tiny bit of journaling and enjoyed the good weather. Its like a vacation driving just 30 minutes away. You drive through the mountains where all the leaves are changing, up and around winding through the hills until you reach a town where no one knows you. I mean I know the guys but there was such a slim chance to see them.

I decided to drop Mandarin. I just feel like I need a time during the day a few times a week where I can journal, pray, think, whatever.. this place is so intense emotionally.. I feel like Ill need the time to release.

Well a slight update..

Church on sunday was aight. Nothing too grand. I will move on to the next one.. Got my response to the MLK Jr. Letter from a Birmingham jail written about 15 minutes before due.. good work phyl.. ugh.


I am frustrated about Burma. I want to do something... I know that they are doing a wear red day on campuses on Friday.. I feel like SIT should be a part of that. We have students from burma.. but even if we didnt .. seriously.

People are getting excited for the Keene party. I am. Woot.

Frisbee was fun yesterday.. but I jammed my finger and slightly sprained my ankle. BOO.