Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Another day shot...

So today wouldve been my day to get all my work done. why you ask? because I had a morning class and I wouldve had all afternoon and evening set aside for studying/writing etc. Well that was shot at 4am this morning when I awoke from my own death. Yes.. thats right.. people can die in their dreams. My mom and I died in a car accident in my dream last night. This is the second time I have died in my dreams. The first time was with jenni shepherd in high school about a month after 9/11. We both had the same dream that our school blew up and we and our friends who were with us died. I woke up with this buzzing feeling and the visual of floating above and seeing everything that was going on, but still feeling a peace. Much like what I would assume going to heaven might feel like.. or the intermediary part of that.

Unfortunately last nights dream was worse. Once the car crashed instead of zipping out of body and watching from above I felt hot. Not like skin crackling fire hot, more like internal body heat, fever kind of heat. On top of that I wanted to cry out, to have a feeling, sadness anger, fear but I couldn't it was this flat horrible apathy that I couldn't break out of. I couldn't speak, I couldn't hear anything but my own thoughts about how I wish I could talk with God, reach out to him and have him be there like he always is. Part of me realized that I do take that for granted. When I pray I do feel like someone is there recieving it, it isn't just going out into nothingness. This part of the dream if felt like I was in an everything proof box.. (not to be confused with a coffin.. but more of a metaphorical box). Like no matter what I said or felt, all my energies remained with me, all my feeling, all my lack of feeling.

A few things I realized about myself:

I hate my own apathy and lack of emotion. I have always struggled with passionately praying for the things that mean the most. It is rare that I have pleaded for anything. There are only a few people in the world who I have wrestled with God over. I think my experiences with the charismatic in high school have given me this fear. The fear that emotion is taking over the grounding in Truth. I saw people get swallowed up in the physical and spiritual experience without grounding it in the Truth, the Word, and the foundation needed to sustain life with this power. I need to reclaim that balance. I don't want to be apathetic. I despise apathy because I think it kills the soul. I want to feel the anger and fear and pain and joy and excitement of faith.

I am scared my mom will just give up. In my dream she let go of the wheel, and even though she was completely at peace with it (and I don't think the fact I was dying with her had anything to do with it.. I don't think it was her "bringing me down" too or anything) it still angered me a little. I will admit i was jealous of the peace I saw on her face, and I don't know if my mom has found that peace, but I do know that I hope she doesn't just give up. I love you mom. Don't give up. I know you are a fighter.. and I also know you are probably tired.

Funny enough part of the dream had something to do with worship. I love to sing, and I love to go to worship services where it is loud with great music and lots of excited people because I can "jam out" and sing my heart out without worrying about following the words. It can just bubble out of me in whatever way my voice feels in can contribute to the chorus. Sometimes my singing worship can be very heartfelt, but other times I just show off to myself. I love singing Jennifer Knapp etc because it is fun to sing. I think I need to start paying more attention to the words.

Lastly and related: I was singing the tune of JKnapps song His Grace is Sufficient, but I kept adding in that His Grace is Addictive too. Ill leave that one to simmer..

Luckily I journaled right after my dream and thank you to the many who walked me through my morning. I was so tired at lunch after not being able to sleep post death that I slept all afternoon and only just finished my dinner ready to get to work. that is 6 whole hours of study time lost. hopefully Ill have the energy to stay up and work.. but thank you to Brooke, Daniel, Steve and my Mom for talking to me. i don't think my prof noticed me texting in class.. i hope not. I barely spoke to anyone this morning and everyone knew something was wrong but i just couldn't digest it all. I can't explain how real this dream was.


No comments: