Library Blues..

I am in the library. Our internet at the house is out again.. thus to quell my insatiable need to check my email, I actually went to the library. Actually a big part of it was I still have some research I need to do for my presentation on wednesday and I have to do it online.. so.. it was a good excuse..

Forgive my previously incredibly mushy post. Its true Im female every once in awhile.

Tomorrow begins the very last week of undergrad classes. UNREAL.. I dont believe it. I really dont. Im kind of in denial about it. I move in three weeks-ish. thats INSANE. I cant believe I wont be coming back to Texas next year. Im not sure if Ill miss it, but Im more unsure of making a big change. Being in Texas has been a long hard stretch. Once I graduate Ill have no home base. AND THAT IS SCARY. I guess Phillie will be my home base for awhile. but only a little while, then I have to figure out who I want to be, and where I want to be. I realized after spending the week with the first pres kids that my heart is still stuck in GH a little. I miss youth group, my family, and a good spring.

I caught a new vision the other day. I was talking to megan about it some. It may end up being my kick off ministry that can lead me into the cafe/youth ministry/missions thing. I need to talk it up to a few people first.. and that requires Russ to get back from the DR with Tim and Lacey.

I hope its going well for them.. they were so excited.

My dad and Bob Roberts ( his friend that Ive known forever) are coming in for graduation. They are more stoked about it than I am. The graduating part is cool, but Im more excited about the next phase. I guess Im not one of those live in the moment people, I tend to look ahead, and then get excited about where "now" is leading me to. I dont know if thats a strength or a weakness..

I heart Pride and Prejudice

You have bewitched me body and soul..... I love.. I love... I love you...

Man.. you hear that noise? Thats the sound of my knees going weak.. Oh wait.. give it a few minutes... and the best kiss ever.. yes correct the last 15 minutes of the new pride and prejudice get me every time. I do love the old long one for the drama and the build up.. but there is something about the last 10-15 of the new one.. with the music in the background.. the sunset.. then the kiss on the roof. Man. Man.

K im done.. I just wanted to sigh a little.

Thanks to Lacey for stealing Tims phone and calling me at 8am. It was a very good wakeup call. Well I was technically awake.. sort of..

Goodnight all...

I just spent the last couple hours packing up stuff. despite having a weeks worth of time post graduation.. I felt the need to get my room/stuff in some sort of organization. Im really not sure if Im gonna be able to get all my stuff in my car without bottoming out. I may need to go through and pair down some more.. boo.

FINALLY all my grad school paperwork is done and settled.. feels good to know its all ready to go. Now all thats left is a week of classes, finals, graduation, a week finishing the packingness and then off to PHILLIE! I am soooo excited. I am pumped to get to hang out with my amazing sister and her kids. We've been talking a lot more lately and I forget sometimes how well we get along. We're gonna start church shopping when I get there too.. should be awesome

Prayers:
Summer Job stuff
Finals
Roommate travel..
Tim, Russ, Lacey off to the DR for the week
Time and money management..

I have finished the race! I have won the battle! I have written my Term Paper!

I cant proclaim its efficient use of language, it was rather prolific and unorganized, but it is complete to the extent necessary for me to GRADUATE.

Thats all I needed. I didn't even put it off til the VERY last minute. Im two days early.

Tim I hope your presentation went well today, and that you rock your exams tomorrow. Don't worry, you ooze God's favor, you'll do fine. If anything, show them a pic of Maddie and they will melt like chocolate cake on a barbecue.

I love you all.. thanks to family and friends who have helped me get through this crazy CRAZY semester, and those of you who continue to encourage me everyday.

I love my mommy. Hi momma.. Your baby goats callin for ya! I miss you!

Dr. Pepper, M&Ms and my lappy..

Im in a relationship with my lappy. We've been really close these past few days. Sharing stories, working through our issues and creating great works of scholastic achievement. Together. We have been able to minister together to friends back home, listen to music and look at pictures together. I sang to my lappy today.. a lil jmraz for my lovely lappy. Sweet lappy, oh sweet lappy. How I love thee, how I forgive thee for deleting thyself completely...

A few more pages and I am free from the prison that is my term paper. A few weeks and I am a graduate. A few weeks after that and ill be in PA, a few weeks after that Ill be in MI getting coffee with a cool dude and watching the most beautiful wedding since shyle and nate got hitched.

Things I love:
Talking people into working with me in the future
Encouraging and counseling my youthies.. i miss youth group.
Dr. Pepper, Jones Fufu Berry, and iced mochas.
People volunteering to edit my paper
Getting good music from friends
Heroes, Bueno, and good conversation
My roomies.. ill miss you gals
Great Dane puppies that could eat me at three weeks.. k newfies too.
Meeting fellow men and women of God who are seeking Him wholeheartedly
Singing my heart out at Unite every tuesday with no qualms about it.. what freedom!
Knowing that next year will be a challenge!
My mommy, my sis, my bro, and my cool dad.
Jess' and Albies.
Waking up to a big bag of Honey Combs.
Looking at Job boards for inspiration.
Ultimate.. man I miss disc.
Learning the guitar..


Cheers.

hey hey hey!

k.. so I have been studying/emailing/listening to gospel choral music since like 9:30 this morning.

THUS.. I am quitting for the evening.. I need some good hearty food.

I heard the song Prayer for the Children for the first time in a long time today. I downloaded it. It was a piece the ensemble did senior year. Its a tear jerker.. I sent it to Tim. What a good heart that guy has. Woah.. that sentence was a little too yoda. Man my english has gone to CRAP.

Happy Prom night to the GH kids.. man.. what a time warp...

Yah thats our backyard yesterday. We had all the plumbing redone, but holy cow they like RIPPED IT UP.. the dogs were happy to have plenty of fresh dirt to muddy themselves with.
Off to some Termin action before the Shades Show tonight with Tabitha! Step what?

I just got an answer to a prayer. by way of that quote i just found online. cool.

Si supiera que el mundo se acaba mañana, yo, hoy todavía, plantaría un árbol.

Martin Luther King,

I am officially sick of filling out paperwork for Grad school. I am hoping I just sent in the last of the paperwork. I forgot how much there is. ACU didn't feel this crazy. I guess because Im actually taking out loans for grad school that all that is added on top of it all. Besides that Im pretty lost in what classes Ill be taking.. there are some required and some electives.. but Im assuming the classes can't be too demanding because I need like 32 hours in two semester. that might mean possible death.

HOWEVER look at these amazing courses:

Intercultural Communication
Organizational Behavior: Multicultural Team Devt
Org. Beh:Leadership and Organization
Practitioner Inquiry
Social Change

Conflict Transformation
Cultural Activism
Education for Social Justice
Ethics in Intercultural Training
Fundraising Principles and Practice
Cross Cultural Counseling
International Policy and Citizen Advocacy
Issues in Social Justice in Intercultural Studies
Multicultural Organization Devt
Program Planning and Product Design
Social Identity: Inclusion and Exclusion
Leadership, Community and Coalition Building
Strategic Planning and Implementation
Training Design for Experiential Learning
Training for Social Action

HOLY COW! Im really gonna have to pray about what classes to take.. some of these are so practical and some are just really interesting!

Today was a good day. I was productive. encouraged. and truly blessed by the day.

Thank you God for all of the amazing people you have been putting in my life. Thank you for the chance to chat with Tim. Bless him in his work and guide his steps. Bless our friendship and the conversations we continue to have. Thank you for friends and family who know my heart, and respect the passions and beliefs I have. Thank you for the chance to live out my dreams, your dreams, and raise up world changers.

GOD HELP ME TO WRITE THIS PAPER. No seriously.. it's all yours. Here's the lappy.. go at it. Feel free to abolish NAFTA and do something better in the process. I don't have those kinda powers, but I bet if you wrote my paper you could change the world with every phrase. Man that would be cool. Could I be allowed a smidgen of pride if my lappy was the vessel for the ACTUAL changing of the world.

I would like to draw an application of my nonsense and say.. maybe one day the world will be changed.. from my lappy... but in its current state.. doubtful.

Im gonna go write now. right now. :)

I AM productive
I AM on task
I AM a good writer
I AM not tired
I AM awake
I AM healthy
I AM sick of NAFTA
I AM not a fan of chillie cheese steaks
I AM a Harry Potter fan
I AM a hugger not a fighter
I AM still rather feisty
I AM not currently on task... blast

Loaded

I just realized how loaded that last post was. Sometimes I don't realize the extent to which I divulge of myself on here. Ive never truly been very guarded, but sometimes a girl needs some secrets. Oh well, its already out there I guess. For the world to see. Maybe Im making more of it than it is. I never know anymore..

My guitar is staring me in the face. I really want to play it but I have an hour before my next two classes and a onepager to write... sad.

I wonder if Ill actually take the time to play this summer.. I feel like Im too embarrassed to play in anyone's presence so I may not since the house will be sort of filled all the time.. I just need one song.. just one to get me started.. hahah.. good luck.

ps. Tetanus shots still suck crack.. my arm kills! its like a constant deadarm..

pss. I had some GREAT dreams last night.. it involved lydias wedding and getting to see people I havent seen in a while, and people from yg and stuff. I missed everyone. It was a huggy dream. I like dream hugs, they feel real. which is happy.

Now I get it..

So I finally joined the masses in the switch to the highly acclaimed gmail:
phyllischill@gmail.com

however now I finally realize how crappy hotmail is.. i cant get it to forward my mail to gmail, plus gmail wont add the account to "retrieve" mail from my hmail account.. thus.. Im still technically hotmailing it.. BOO..

My outline and Intro/Basis pages are written for my Term paper.. so i am 2 for 12! WOOT!

I spent a little time checkin out Brattleboro online today. It is a teeny town, but there seems to be a lot to do in the area. So hopefully Ill meet some cool adventurous people. This little checking out was inspired by my oh so painful Physical today.. blood drawn, TB test and the HATED TETANUS shot.. it was necessary though.. it was about to "expire" or whatever and knowing my clumsiness.... dear goodness it was a good idea.

FYI Dr. Essell is amazing.. I highly recommend him to you abilinian folk. Cool cool guy.

Today I am missing Shyle. I read a message of hers or saw a picture or something today.. i dont even remember the trigger. I just miss her. She is such a great gal, and I love her dearly. She has the biggest heart EVER and I am jealous. I tend to be on the more cynical side of life, and I tend to be a big jerk so often. Shyle has the tenderest heart and the coolest hubby. I LOVE YOU TOO NATE! Point being, I am blessed to know her, and she really inspires me to find someone. I know I am still at a place where I am ok with the whole single thing. Im not completely content with myself, and it gets pretty lonely, but Ill live.

I guess the real reason for the post is this: despite being ok with it, being single is a temporary thing. I dont want to be a "single for life". I am not wired that way. I crave companionship, friendship, love and just a partner in crime. I feel like I am officially ready to start seeking a strong relationship. I need to find someone I can laugh with, and someone who gets my passions. Ive always said finding someone who isn't fired up for your basic passion is just dead weight. They'll never truly get who you are. Maybe thats not true, I dont know.

I just would love to find someone who I can call and exclaim over my 2/12 accomplishment, sit and drink dr. pepper, listen to music, say nothing, say everything, crack jokes, beat up a little, get into deep discussions and tirades over the injustice of the world, and love like crazy. But I also know that my go-getter attitude tends to ruin it. I am trying to learn how to sit back and let the guy do the chasing. yah Im sure the "speak your mind" is refreshing sometimes.. but guys... you like working for it a little dont you? and I tell you what us girls really do LOVE being chased...

Seriously.. for me I have ALWAYS wanted a guy to do a big grand gesture. I have always wanted a surprise party, always hoped someone would surprise me with something sweet.. It just rarely happens.. I dont think Ive ever been truly surprised in a big way. I tell you what though... one grand gesture and Im a goner.. i tell you what.. its the truth. Maybe I shouldnt have given that away! hahahhaa..

I better go before I say anything Ill regret..

Chill y Chilito

ehem. an addendum

Five minutes after I posted that relent, I wrote out my entire outline in like five minutes. Figures. I still wasted a lot of my time.. blasted facebook/AIM.. I just need to disconnect and get it done. sheesh

Tomorrow morning is my doc appointment. Physical for gradschool WOOT.. I get the TB shot, possibly Tetanus and hopefully a go ahead to get a test for lupus.. GOODIE


My day got a little brighter with an unexpected email today.

Church was really good today. It was good to see everyone.

Brooke and I had some amazing convos today. I miss that. It was really intense for awhile and it was good to sort some things out in our brains. Also just realizations that we are becoming real people. Strange.

Thanks to Daniel for the ear and encouragement last night. I am excited for all he has going on.

Prayers:
Summer Job issues, travel to Lyd's wedding (WOOT)
Aris, Bethany, Abs, Lacey, Derek, Zak,
Continued energy and desire to actually get work done.
Steve: direction, plans, safety, great experiences...
World Servants: continued renewal, that the bus thing works out

I am tired. I am stressed. And I am utterly confused by my term paper. Everytime I get somewhere on it, I find out something more or different was expected. I am emotional today. This patience thing is hard..it has only been one week of patience.. one week. I hope it gets easier. I want to go home. I want this semester to end now. This big house feels lonely, despite the roommates being in the other room. I want Lydias wedding to be tomorrow.. so I will have graduated, finished all my work, moved, driven 24 hours, flown to GH, seen amazing people, and hopefully a few specifically cool people. I want to hug shyle to death, and find kate and play with er. I want a Russ hug, a Lacey hug, a Tracey hug, a Bryant hug, I need an Abs and Bethany secret or two and a huge bonfire with lots of singing. What I want the most is for God to take over my heart and continue to show me that his desires are bigger than my own. That his plan is safer and better. That he has someone out there for me who is pining just as hard without me knowing it. I want to be in Mexico. I want to sit with Chilito on my lap and giggle. I want to be mobbed by kids, and laughed at by a pastor. But I cant be in Mexico right now. I have Thesis to nail down, and a room full of crap to pack up. I cant be in Grand Haven right now. I have to suffice with tonights dinner with friends and tostadas. I cant go to heaven right now.. God has too much for me to do here.

"I want to be free in this world.
I hope that everybody understands
I want to be free and fly away
And smell all the flowers in the world
I want go go go away.."
Belinda.

Sometimes I check my blog to see if anyone has left comments. I like discussion. But I think I am officially giving up on getting comments.. All my friends are mute slash lacking fingers to type.

So a few weeks ago I thought hey, Ill be on the ball and send in an appy to Barnes and Nobles.. Im a shoe in right? So I did.. humbly of course. I even sent a resume since the appy didnt have room for all my jobs back through my first work at B&N. I called today. They never got it. She's looking for it. I would just print it out again.... but my lappy got wiped.. so I have to redo all my resumes. So... I may have to send in another appy. Maybe Ill send candy too.. gotta butter em up somehow.

I played some GEEtar today. Not much. Im really struggling with it. but some day I will prevail.

Last night's devo verses were really good for where Im at right now:
Phillipians 4: 4... (Mess.:Remix)
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers. Letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle on you. Its wonderful what happens when Christ displaces the worry at the center of your life.
.... Do that... and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies..


Man.. could that be any more perfect?

A Minor Test of Faith.. Just to Drive Home the Point

My Lappy's hard drive got wiped today. Noone's fault, and despite a lot of effort on the part of Team55. But it happened. I lost all pics/docs/music. Learned my lesson.. don't attach personal value to things that aren't more than numbers and data.. its not worth it. I do miss some of the pics.. seeing as I hadnt put them up on facebook. The music I can deal with.. the majority was trash. And luckily I hadnt started actually writing my term paper.. never thought procrastination would be a blessing. I made it through the chaos and phone tag with Team55 without a single expletive or tear. Thats a step. I never used to freak out about stupid stuff, but this past year my stressometer would spike without warning.. resulting in sickness. I guess that incessant "patience, patience, patience" is coming in handy for more situations than I thought...

I did my first networking today. I hooked up WorldServants with a new school bus through Global Sam, plus they may end up making use of WS's stuff they have in warehouses. So thats exciting!!

I started packing again today. Bagging up things Im not going to need for good will, putting away clothes I dont need in the next month. I really dont have nearly as much stuff as I thought. but what I do have is crap. Useless stuff.. like my ESL box from my project last year, bag of markers that are dried out, 2 laptop cases I dont use, more bedding than Ill ever need.. I dont know.. I guess its stuff i just keep moving with me in case Ill EVER need it.. but if there's one thing I learned from my mom, nobody NEEDS all that stuff. Travel light, live light. The more stuff you accumulate the more you have to move. I guess thats just a weird thing because we tended to move a lot, and that hasnt changed for me... There's no complaint there by the way.. I like living light..

As i was thinking about this today.. God started to speak some things into my heart. Don't carry around things that are out of your control (ie lappy crapping out, worries about people, heartache etc), Let God carry those burdens, no matter how light (trivial, minor, simple, worldly). Now I need to figure out why this is being put on my heart right now.. I have some ideas. It goes along with the incessant "patience, patience, patience" Ive been hearing about another subject.. So Ill let you know how it goes.

Fruit of the Spirit in the Message: Remix:

• Affection for others
• Exuberance about life
• Serenity
• Willingness to stick with things
• Sense of compassion
• Conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people
• Involved in loyal commitments
• Not needing to force our way in life
• Able to marshal and direct our energies wisely

I really like this list.. compared to the overmemorized, peace patience kindness etc.

This list feels more like a list of things that will be manifested in a faithful life.. Ive never thought of it in the way that the fruit of the spirit isn't worked on (though we can make decisions that end up in this fruit directly)... I guess it is just neat to find a new way to articulate it.

Day of Zero Triumph

I read my spanish novel in World religions this morning, then got uber confused in the subsequent french class
I busted my butt reading a really long chapter, and trying to memorize all the Mexican presidents from the Revolution to NAFTA... no quiz today.
I couldve slept through Seminar.. It was on Africa, and yet.. rediculously boring.
I came home, my computer crashed. I was not happy, thanks to phil and Team 55 it may be usable some day.
I have a butt ton of homework.

Today was a very good day.. Im not lying. Despite being exhausted and attempting to not whig out over my poor lappy... I have food in my stomach, a roof over my head, and some amazing kids that I get to talk to when i get my lappy back.

Prayers:

My dad didnt get his job back in Michigan. He is freaking out.. or atleast he is at a crossroads in life. I really want him to do what HE wants to do, not just worry about paying for me..

That my lappy will feel better tomorrow after its surgery, and that m research will still be intact on the hard drive...

That I would not be distracted from God and His Will, no matter how good the distraction is...

The more there are suffering, then, the more natural their sufferings appear. Who wants to prevent the fishes in the sea from getting wet?

And the suffering themselves share this callousness towards themselves and are lacking in kindness towards themselves. It is terrible that human beings so easily put up with existing conditions, not only with the sufferings of strangers but also with their own.

All those who have thought about the bad state of things refuse to appeal to the compassion of one group of people for another. But the compassion of the oppressed for the oppressed is indispensable.

It is the world's one hope.

Bertolt Brecht, "The World's One Hope"

Quotes from my research that I like:

Fleas dream of buying themselves a dog, and nobodies dream of escaping poverty: that one magical day good luck will suddenly rain down on them--will rain down in buckets. But good luck doesn't rain down yesterday, today, tomorrow or ever. Good luck doesn't even fall in a fine drizzle, nomatter how hard the nobodies summon it, even in their left hand is tickling, or if they begin the new day with their right foot, or start the new year with a change of brooms.

The nobodies: nobody's children, owners of nothing. The nobodies: the no ones, the nobodied, running like rabbits, dying through life, screwed every which way.

Who are not, but could be.
Who don't speak languages, but dialects.
Who don't have religions, but superstitions.
Who don't create art, but handicrafts.
Who don't have culture, but folklore.
Who are not human beings, but human resources.
Who do not have faces but arms.
Who do not have names, but numbers.
Who do not appear in the history of the world, but in the police blotter of the local paper.
The nobodies, who are not worth the bullet that kills them.
Eduardo Galeano, "the nobodies"

I love Galeano.. he writes what we feel, or desire to feel about life and living.. man.

My apologies to chance for calling it necessity.
My apologies to necessity if I'm mistaken, after all.
Please, don't be angry, happiness, that I take you as my due.
May my ded be patient with the way my memories fade.
My apologies to time for all the world I overlook each second.
Wislawa Szymborska, "under one small star"

I love that last line.

As hard as concerned Americans have had to strain to understan the Zapatista revolt and its confusing and sorrowful aftermath, we will have to work harder to understand Mexican issues in the future. Our problem is not merely the media, or our notorious inability to learn another language. It is our entire evasive and mendacious culture, which (to the enourmous profit of the megacompanies that feet it) makes our selfish decadence entertaining to us, sells us headsets that deafen us to crying injustices in our own country, and changes every real, complicated, painful struggle into a brief sensation of stars, or meteors, gloriously noble or wicked, always somehow erotically intriguing today, dead boring tomorrow. If in this culture we have to hide or fight to comprehend reality right here, we have to leave all that is familiar and comfortable to comprehend reality in Mexico.
John Womack Jr. Rebellion in Chiapas

If I define my neighbor as the one I must go out to look for, on the highways and byways, in the factories and slums, on the farms and in the mines-- then my world changes. This is what is happening with the "option for the poor" for in the gospel it is the poor person who is the neighbor par excellence...
But the poor person does not exist as an inescapable fact of destiny. His or her existences is not politically neutral, and it is not ethically innocent. The poor are a by-product of the system in which we live and for which we are responsible. They are marginalized by our social and cultural world. They are the oppressed, exploited proletariat, robbed of the fruit of their labor and despoiled of their humanity. Hence the poverty of the poor is not a call to generous relief action, but a demand that we go and build a different social order.
Gustavo Gutierrez, The Power of the Poor in History

All the men were used to their fetters, they all regarded them as an accomplished fact with which it was useless to argue. It is unlikely that anyone ever gave the matter an instant's thought, since during all those years it never even once occurred to the doctors to petition the authorities for the removal of the fetters from a convict who was seriously ill, especially in cases of tuberculosis... It may be objected by someone that a convict is a villain and so unworthy of blessings, but can it be right to aggravate the punishment of those whom the wrath of God has smitten in this way?
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The House of the Dead ( a great book! I love good ol Fyodor!)

Sitting, Waiting.

I spent the morning reading. A little Casa de los Espiritus, a little Quinta Montaña, a splash of psalms, and a healthy chunk of Pathologies of Power. My mind is boggled with stories, english and spanish. I have class in thirty minutes and Im at a loss for words. When they ask me how my trip was, Im not sure what I will say. The typical description: incredible, awesome, challenging, I learned a lot, I hate being home. But there was so much more to it. I feel like this past week has been a huge rush of emotions. The trip had so many layers to it. God was in it all. And I feel like I had already known how huge the trip was going to be before I left. What should I be telling people? The trip was life altering, paradigm shifting, worldview shattering, and it felt like home. Its interesting that I have done a lot of travelling, and this is the week that really broke it all down for me. It stripped off that last layer of apathy. I know where my heart is, and how God will be in it. My dreams are still huge, and they are growing and expanding everyday.

Another thought: I have been a nomad since birth. We have always moved a lot and I never really felt like any one place was my home. I spent the most time in Grand Haven, but we didn't stay in one house for too long. That is not a complaint, I like moving. I realized this week that my heart is in the people. God showed me that I can feel safe and at home anywhere as long as I am looking to him first. Dios me cuidara. Right now, sitting in my living room, I don't feel at home. I want to go back to Mexico, sit in the church with kids all around and talk to the mom's about how I am going to kidnap their children because they are so cute. I long to talk to pastor desi about his vision for the church, and to the others there who can see God moving in their lives. Im ready for the next move, the next phase. Im ready to put my experience to use for God's kingdom. God is ready for me to give it to him once and for all.

Some favorites:
cakey neck raspberries from 4 yr olds
Uno with cheaters
talking about music with kids
encouraging kids that God will provide
seeing the kids faces light up when they see bubbles
feeling content in sticky heat
walking dirt roads through neighborhoods without feeling nervous at all
bedsheets for doors
tamales etc.
the most content 6 mo olds Ive ever met.
family, family family

MY FAVORITE CRAZIES!

Our awesome group. Man I miss them all so much.

Coolest bus driver ever. Ill never forget riding through the border at 5am hearing BAM and then.. EETS a Leetle Theen Heere! hahaha..

Me and Mickey..slash, Brownie.. slash Tyler

Me and Russ. It was Crazyface Time.

We were singing some song for the kids.. Atleast this day the kids actually sang too. Thanks Eric for playing guitar! And my twin voice in Bethany was a blast.

Yo Tengo Gozo Gozo Gozo Gozo En Mi Corazon

Down the way from our site in Reynosa.

SO I finally figured out how to upload pics. This is us all at the restaurant in Progreso. We were showing off the Goat's Head we were about to eat. Tongue is my favorite. Ehem. I hope you enjoy.

Gracias a Dios que vivo, respiro, y que puedo tener tantas aventuras como las que he vivido.

Estaba sentado en mi casa, mirando afuera a la niebla que caía en Abilene, una cosa rara. Quería irme para dondequiera, para las montañas de suramerica, para las pampas de Argentina, una bodega mendozana, un techo de Mexico, la selva de Brazil. Quería hablar español a alquien que me pudiera entender. Pero no. En este momento tengo otras cosas para hacer. Estudiar, limpiar la casa, lavar la ropa, comer algo. Como que no puedo vivir en el momento. Como que no. Dime. Pues, no me entienden, pero espero que un día dios me inspirira de vivir en el momento. La vida no es una cosa de odiar, ni evitar. La vida es vivir, equivocar, aprender y agarrar.. Como que no.

En este día, voy a dar cuenta que tengo la oportunidad de vivir valientosamente. Que seré alguien que se puede cambiar el mundo. Una cambiadora mundial.. :)

Tal vez hoy es el día en que la cultura me cambiará, y puedo vivir la frase ... Si Se Puede!

Happy as a Bluebird, Sad as a wilted leaf

I got back from Mexico yesterday. Got home around 5 to some TBueno and a Dr Pepper. Before I went to bed I got on Facebook and was bombarded by messages from the group. I miss everyone already. I was ready to be alone for awhile, but I miss the kids. They blessed me a lot last week. I was so excited to see the fam again. They are so knit into who I am, that its hard to see them so rarely.

God really wanted me to be there. I learned a lot about myself, and who I want to be. This is what I figured out:

I am not typical. I am too trusting and too skeptical at the same time. I fall hard and quick. My heart is in Latin America, in the faces of the children, in the clipped spanish, and slurred speech of the tired mothers. My heart longs to live in a cement block home, with fourteen dirty hands tickling my sides. I have a heart for justice, but I don't speak out for it as much as I should. Who I am is enough. I don't have to feel wrong for not knowing all the ways of God. I believe Muslims are the coolest people, they have so much fire for God.

I realized this week through talking to a new friend, who I fear I may not get to see anytime soon, that I am not living out my passions. My time is wasted in my culture, and I am afraid to change that. I also realized that God is making connections for me. I met people this week who I know I will see again, and who I hope to work with soon.

This week of work with the youth group also taught me that Im not sure I will be able to work with gringos as much as I had once thought. I loved the week, but it was like two seperate experiences. The ministry to the kids, and then experiencing the culture. Seperately they were great, but that seperation was intense and almost pathetic. Maybe some day I can close the gap and find a way to bring the kids into the experience deeper and harder. You can never get too much culture.

I hope that this week was as much of a blessing to the kids as it was to me. I know many of them will throw me a cheers when I say I wasn't the best of leaders. I was rather distracted for some of the trip, but I think they agreed it was worth the time. I know that was cryptic. Deal.

For the next few weeks I am going to be preparing myself for the next phase of life. After a few tests and papers I am officially a real person. I count grad school as adulthood. This summer with my sister will be a big stretch for me.. but I gotta say I have a huge itch to travel now. It had been too long. I felt like I was home this week, and now Im gone again. So I dont know.. I may call up patty and see if she wants some help for a week in Reynosa. Just cuz I need to keep the itch alive. Who knows. I also decided that next summer before my Practicum, I am taking a trip. i dont know to where, or for what reason, but I want an adventure. I want to find some people to travel with and just go. I thought about seeing if Bethany and Abs want to join. It would be fun to keep in touch with them, and mentor them a little more. I see their hearts growing for missions, and I hope it continues. Besides, they are both nuts.

My last note is this: my new friend this week really got into my heart more than I expected. I dont know if he will ever read this, but part of me hopes he does. To Steve: you raised the bar this week. You opened my eyes to a few things I really need in my life, and the type of person I need to be with. I know we are both people who go with the flow sin planes, but I hope one day we can touch base. Your heart is in the same place as mine as far as the desire to help people, fight for justice, and be involved in a community to the extent of lack of self. I hope you can see how much you blessed me and the kids this week by being who you are. I hate that the week was so short.. I couldve spent hours sitting in silent pauses and short quips. But God knows we both have big futures ahead of us fighting for his children. I hope to travel with you again someday.. maybe you'll join us in a year for my travel adventure. Im thinking Peru.. I want to meet my Compassion sponsered kid, and see Machu Pichu, as well as just chill out with some locals for a good long while..

I hope you guys are doing well, and that this didnt kill anyone. I love you dearly.. I am grateful for those of you who have seen me grow, and can be a part of that experience. Pray for me as my life takes a turn towards service and freedom in love.

Blessings..

Prayers:
Summer of ministry, family, getting a job that is worthwhile, loving on my sis and her kids.
My dad wants to start teaching..
Steve.. that God would guide his steps for the next season of his big future
Abs and Bethany, That they would continue with their hearts for service and ministry.
My roommates, i will be moving out soon, I want someone amazing to take my place in the house
That my heart would heal from investing and then losing.. why am I so trusting?