Happy as a Bluebird, Sad as a wilted leaf

I got back from Mexico yesterday. Got home around 5 to some TBueno and a Dr Pepper. Before I went to bed I got on Facebook and was bombarded by messages from the group. I miss everyone already. I was ready to be alone for awhile, but I miss the kids. They blessed me a lot last week. I was so excited to see the fam again. They are so knit into who I am, that its hard to see them so rarely.

God really wanted me to be there. I learned a lot about myself, and who I want to be. This is what I figured out:

I am not typical. I am too trusting and too skeptical at the same time. I fall hard and quick. My heart is in Latin America, in the faces of the children, in the clipped spanish, and slurred speech of the tired mothers. My heart longs to live in a cement block home, with fourteen dirty hands tickling my sides. I have a heart for justice, but I don't speak out for it as much as I should. Who I am is enough. I don't have to feel wrong for not knowing all the ways of God. I believe Muslims are the coolest people, they have so much fire for God.

I realized this week through talking to a new friend, who I fear I may not get to see anytime soon, that I am not living out my passions. My time is wasted in my culture, and I am afraid to change that. I also realized that God is making connections for me. I met people this week who I know I will see again, and who I hope to work with soon.

This week of work with the youth group also taught me that Im not sure I will be able to work with gringos as much as I had once thought. I loved the week, but it was like two seperate experiences. The ministry to the kids, and then experiencing the culture. Seperately they were great, but that seperation was intense and almost pathetic. Maybe some day I can close the gap and find a way to bring the kids into the experience deeper and harder. You can never get too much culture.

I hope that this week was as much of a blessing to the kids as it was to me. I know many of them will throw me a cheers when I say I wasn't the best of leaders. I was rather distracted for some of the trip, but I think they agreed it was worth the time. I know that was cryptic. Deal.

For the next few weeks I am going to be preparing myself for the next phase of life. After a few tests and papers I am officially a real person. I count grad school as adulthood. This summer with my sister will be a big stretch for me.. but I gotta say I have a huge itch to travel now. It had been too long. I felt like I was home this week, and now Im gone again. So I dont know.. I may call up patty and see if she wants some help for a week in Reynosa. Just cuz I need to keep the itch alive. Who knows. I also decided that next summer before my Practicum, I am taking a trip. i dont know to where, or for what reason, but I want an adventure. I want to find some people to travel with and just go. I thought about seeing if Bethany and Abs want to join. It would be fun to keep in touch with them, and mentor them a little more. I see their hearts growing for missions, and I hope it continues. Besides, they are both nuts.

My last note is this: my new friend this week really got into my heart more than I expected. I dont know if he will ever read this, but part of me hopes he does. To Steve: you raised the bar this week. You opened my eyes to a few things I really need in my life, and the type of person I need to be with. I know we are both people who go with the flow sin planes, but I hope one day we can touch base. Your heart is in the same place as mine as far as the desire to help people, fight for justice, and be involved in a community to the extent of lack of self. I hope you can see how much you blessed me and the kids this week by being who you are. I hate that the week was so short.. I couldve spent hours sitting in silent pauses and short quips. But God knows we both have big futures ahead of us fighting for his children. I hope to travel with you again someday.. maybe you'll join us in a year for my travel adventure. Im thinking Peru.. I want to meet my Compassion sponsered kid, and see Machu Pichu, as well as just chill out with some locals for a good long while..

I hope you guys are doing well, and that this didnt kill anyone. I love you dearly.. I am grateful for those of you who have seen me grow, and can be a part of that experience. Pray for me as my life takes a turn towards service and freedom in love.

Blessings..

Prayers:
Summer of ministry, family, getting a job that is worthwhile, loving on my sis and her kids.
My dad wants to start teaching..
Steve.. that God would guide his steps for the next season of his big future
Abs and Bethany, That they would continue with their hearts for service and ministry.
My roommates, i will be moving out soon, I want someone amazing to take my place in the house
That my heart would heal from investing and then losing.. why am I so trusting?