Ultimate..Pain

Got back from ACU Club Ultimate's very first Tournament today. It was an amazing weekend.. a lot of hard work, pain and laughs. We did great for our first tournament and the amount of practice we had had.. We were pleasantly surprised. I am happy to sport pain and bruising.. everyone needs a good scar story right? Well now begins the homestretch for the semester.. It has been a rough one (note I cannot breathe at the moment because our teeny dog flatulated and I swear she is rotting from the inside out.) but Im hoping to pull through.

I need to go crash before I pass out.. I am so sore and Im loving it. Despite the fact that I waddle like a pregnant lady due to the soreness. Girls we ruled out there!

Lots of love out there for everyone.. Pray for my sister, she's back in the hospital for steroid treatment this week and it makes me nervous...

We went geocaching for day two in a row.. yesterday was 9 for 9, today 7 for 7 and WE GOT BRAVO!!! Woot! anyways its very exciting.. now I have to go actually get some studying done.. I forgot about a take home test.. oops

A long week that isnt yet over..

Monday: Painful teeth-> Pain Meds-> Projectile Vomiting

Tuesday: Dizzy, nauseous, but excused from class

Wednesday: Feeling better, studying ALL DAY, Guy chased by police hiding on our front porch til 330 in the morning

Thursday: Class at 8 then all day, Grey's, still tired

Friday: Allergy issues, test retake, lots of homecoming purple, great day at internship, interrupted naptime, fun night at "the Parentals" aka Phil and Jenna's with the SPPh group.

Tomorrow: homecoming galore: parade, ultimate, game, musical, games..

Sunday: death, homework, ultimate/hang with jenna

Another one for the books..

Had a great week/weekend. Felt like junk thursday and graciously skipped classes. Friday internship was a halfday and most of it was spent talking to ed about our NGO and how it is so blessed. He told me a lot of cool thinks about what they are hoping to do in the next few years and it makes me want to stick around to see it happen! I dont know though..

Friday night we had some of megans friends come in town and I had some from town come over. Two words Megans Margaritas. It was a fun night. No damage done. Thanks to ali and haley for the living room dance party. Hats off to Phil for taking my phone away. Word to stan for taking it like a man.. Sorry if I was too mean. Applause to guys who are respectful and sweet.. damn the rest who think they deserve way more than they actually do.

Saturday I had to work at like 9 for an hour. No biggie except that I had only had about 4 hours of sleep.. Brandon and I went geocaching at Will Hair park and were 2 for 3. It was our first successful trip. We're still rookies. But we finally figured out our GPS unit.

Felt like junk for most of saturday.. Sat Night was an amazing steak dinner.. Much love to Meg, Adam and Mckoy for food. Sorry I didnt help but I promise I would have ruined it. Just chilled the rest of the night. Slept in sunday.. Sad.. I wanted to go to church but I wasnt feelin it. Maybe next week.
There is a lot to do this week. I have a test or two.. a rather large amount of homework and lots to do for internship. Fun time is over..

Dad went to china for about 2 weeks Friday. He never called before he left ... Crap.

Another good one...

I am putting off going to class... We're watching Greys Anatomy season two..

This weekend was our first event at Third Rock.. Swing Night.. I was attacked by a really good Swing dancer.. it was a blast.. and I got a tip out of it.. that has to be illegal.. either way it bought me a coke and it was a fun dance!!

Honduras Trip is on its way..

Lectureship is next week which means lots of work at internship in preparation..

and on a smaller note.. we got a new puppy.. YEAAAAH!

A Pretty Darn Good Labor Day Weekend

PS.. I just posted this on Sigma Pi Phi Chronicles website.. oops.. ah well



This weekend was pretty great. Relaxed friday, nothing noteworthy happened.. Saturday I trained cassie on how to open. I didnt do a good job, it was really slow and we just watched movies for awhile.. Oh well.. Ill come in on her shifts and make sure all is well. I fell asleep later that day and woke up to a phone call from Jeremy reminding me to come to austins for a pool party. I was half asleep but woke up around like 730. I decided I needed to be social so I threw on some clothes and headed out to Austins. I wasnt planning on staying long.. I figured it would be like the last time when only a few people showed up. Well there were more people than I expected good food and beverage. It was good to hang out. The highlight of the night was this guy I met. His name was Grant, we ended up talking and hanging out all night. Sadly he's from Tulsa so I dont expect to ever see him again, but its cool. Learned a lot about myself.. im serious.. it sounds corny but Im glad I went. My patience with dating has been revived. So thanks to Grant from Tulsa.. Hope you come hang out again.. if not.. Godspeed and thanks for taking a chance..Sunday was spent sleeping.. Monday was cleaning,homework day because we are having people over tonight.. Now Im off to Starbucks and Fazolis! YUUM!

Cheesesteak

Ultimate tonight was a blast. Really great defense/offense, teams matched up, good sportsmanship. Snagged some good ones, tossed some good ones. The good ones generally outran the bad so it wasnt horrible. I did tend to crap my throws whenever Cody guarded or was near.. he makes me nervous. Injured or not he's good.. amongst other things.
I gained a new nickname..hence the title. It started as philly cheesesteak and morphed.. Im not a big fan but i thought it was funny, cuz one its not very flattering, and two cheesesteaks are gross

Went to church.. we had 11 babies in nursery C, 10 in D and a ton more in the others.. normally its like 4 or 5 babies and one or two workers.. it was nuts.. but a good time. Despite the good times my church shopping begins in august. Shopping isnt the right word.. quest.. venture, looksie.. whatever.

Jenni, Sam and I are officially the only people who are keeping Third Rock running right now.. we realized today that we need to figure out whos doing what since squat was delegated as Rob left for vacation/moving to houston. Oh well I only have a couple more weeks til im free from closing.

My class for summer 2 was cancelled, funny how tempted I was to drop it and decided against it. so Im just teaching and working now. Good news is Ill be able to head to GH in August with brooke.. we were looking up tickets for the weekend of Coast Guard.. I miss home. GH feels like home even if I dont have a house ther, or family. Its my childhood and adolescence in all its pitfalls shortcomings and glorious comebacks.

Not as much crack as I thought..

So the bank stuff worked out.. and God has my back on that. I went to the atm to deposit some checks and cash, and didnt have my atm card.. cuz megan was in the process of being lovely and buying me some Jasons Deli.. yummmmmm.... so I went through the teller thing or whatever and sent the envelope.. I had forgotten to put the cash in the envelope.. umm. thanks for catching my idiocies God.. youre a pal.. I wouldve had to wait like a week before they caught it, told me and then I could go fix it.. that wouldve been bad cuz my rent check should be cashed like TODAY.. and I would be legitimately overdrawn.. sad..But praise be to God I didnt have my atm card and had to talk to real people.. maybe I should just start doing that more often...

On that note.. I really have found myself finding excuses to avoid human contact.. for instance:

ATM, Drive thrus, email vs phone calls, and the like. Part of me blames American culture.. the other part of me knows the truth is my sinful self d0esnt want to have to put up with people. When I say put up with I mean be given the beautiful opportunity of showing stressed out people that God loves them through smiles, courtesy, humor, and joy of life. A fat tip is a big deal in places like restaurants. Even at THird rock I covet the extra change. It means I get to eat lunch every once in awhile. So my point is I think I am going to start parking, walking into restaurants and blinding everyone with the light of Jesus.. bwa ha ha!!! nah but seriously, customers that make it a point to brighten your day do more for the spirit than a check ever could.. So be good patrons! Dont avoid human contact! and Blind the Hell out of people! Literally!

Out on the town.. sort of

Last night I went out with Emerald and Corrie to Guitars and Cadilacs.. it was pretty fun but not what I expected the night to be. I dont really two step, though I learned how to half step.. not that I could do it again. So mostly we just sat and watched for awhile. Until we were approached by a bunch of Marine Corps guys .. they were a group of friends and saw us sitting alone (insert pathetic smile here) and invited us to join them. Well they were all pretty much getting trashed and smoking up a storm, but we hung out with them and it was fun. They were funny and sweet. The girls with them were awesome.. I knew a couple from ACU. After Guitars was closing Corrie and I decided to meet up with them at a friends house.. we hung out until about 3 or so.. It was fun. But I am afraid I left the impression that I was looking for people to party with. Im not. I am not a party girl, never have been. It was fun to hang out last night, but they arent my kind of people. They knew about a couple salsa bars Id like to check out, but you see I just like to dance. That sounds so dumb but its true. When I go out on the floor I dance by myself.. Im not one of those girls looking for someone to "grind on" .. Thats not fun.. its actually kinda gross, and most of the time the guy cant dance worth crap. I will dance with a guy if he actually knows how to dance. Examples: Isaac, Rodrigo, Jeremy, there are a few more but not many. I guess it goes back to my youth group days.. frightening eh? We would always have dance parties at church.. yes.. its true.. and its not like your going to grind on a guy in the fellowship hall of your church, so we just had fun and danced as a group. I miss that. The point of all this was that last night was a successful going out experience. I reminded myself the only reason I like to go out is to dance.. Im not a party girl, I dont hang out well with people that are. One of the guys has my phone number.. that makes me nervous but Ill let him down gently.

Well.. the house is in shape again. AC, hot water, electricity, crazy roommates. We can clean clothes, do dishes.. its great!

I have strep.. again. I dont know why this happens so much but it does. Anyways.. i got antibiotics yesterday and Im feeling better already. I taught class today but I wont be workign til friday because I am still too contageous to work with food. I was sad to miss my day to meet with Cat at Healing hands.. or excuse me their new name is Global Samaritan Resources.. but hopefully next week or later this week. He's got some good projects lined up for me next week.

I had a tennis written and skills test today. I sucked it up. I dont know how I am going to do in that class. Its hard! I shouldve taken it pass/fail.. but I forgot. Oh well.

Mom needs prayer. She's having issues with her medicaid stuff. she may not get money for her meds.. which IS REALLY REALLY BAD..s o please be praying for her..

I am reading a book called A Love Worth Giving by Max Lucado. It is really good. Last nights chapter was on Love being shown through kindness. Yesterday's was Patience. I really need to be hearing these things right now. Patience has been very hard for me in the love department. Especially with friends, roommates etc. In the romance department too. Im so impatient. Im trhying to work on it though..

Our house is still a sauna.. hotter than hades. Oh well... I can live with it.. it just doesnt give me much incentive to clean.. which is what needs to happen soon..

I decided I am giong to accept Robs latest job offering. He is going to pay me to do the scheduling, hiring and training at third rock. It shouldnt be too demanding and he is making it worth my while. Its weird having him work so hard to keep me around. It feels good but makes me nervous. I feel like a commodity.. and i dontknow if its good or bad.

I think ive decided to stop working at highlan and start looking for a church in the area that fits me better. I started going to highlan and working there when stephen and I were dating. I was trying to become more comfortable with the denomination and get to know it a little. That and a lot of the acu students go there.

Now that I have met soem of the hardin simmons students, im starting to itch to get back to going to church regularly, and one that inspires me and really ignites my faith. I like COC for its tradition, but my faith doesnt click with it enough to become a member. It makes me frustrated because it actually becomes a filter for people i date or dont date. If they are serious about staying COC i really have to think hard about whether or not its worth it. I know that sounds dumb, but I just dont relate to that perspective towards faith. Not that its wrong, its just not the person God has called ME to be.

I have really been working hard on trying to figure that out lately. In the past few weeks I am seeing that God has really big plans for me, and that he has been calling me to them for years. He has known my path and where I should be working towards. I have been ignoring that call for about 3 years now. Not that going to ACU was a mistake, it wasnt. However, I began to slip into the casual christian atmosphere and focused on school, then work, and through it all boys.

My focus is regaining. I am still interested in school, work and yes, those monsters called boys, however they are starting to be filtered through God first. He should be at the center and the rest will come together. Anyway thats what Im dealing with right now. Its rough but it is soooo much better than my sorry existence without my loving creator.

Lazy..

Today was a slackers day..

I let my students out early from class today. Like we literally spied out the door til the professors left for lunch so they could go. I just had no incentive to pretend to teach them a thing. I like teaching. Its fun watching the students become excited about spanish, about something new and difficult. The majority of the students are a blast. They laugh at me and even sometimes my jokes, i can be real with them, but still kick their butts if they talk when im talking. Its been neat. I like leadership roles although I dont think teaching could ever be my full time job. Im just not THAT passionate about it. Teaching knowledge is difficult for me to do because I know how little I have learned from a lot of my classes. Teaching passion through experience is my thing. I want to bring the students into experiences that change their world enough that they want to be a part of something new and radical. Inspiring world changers is my niche in life. Everytime I get into leadership positions the same thing happens. I make connections, use my authority to gain respect not just obedience, and use it to get people excited to do their jobs well for themselves. That is work ethic, that is passion for the job, and I believe that is how God calls us to love others. Encouragement, passion, love, respect, joy in life. Everything comes back to the dream.. what a big dream. And everyday it becomes farther away, and closer too.
I cant believe this time next year Ill be a real person. Graduated, on my way to find a job wherever God takes me. I have finally trusted it to him. I have quit my job, quit trying to control my life, and given it over again.. every day I have to do it. but it happens. I love God, he has given me more life than I ever couldve asked for. He wisked me up out of some horrible situations and placed me on a rock! Set my feet upon a rock and now I KNOW HIM! God is soo good. I lost him for awhile there. Somewhere in the midst of wanting to marry stephen because he is such a good guy, and realizing that God has even bigger plans for my life I found him again. It had something to do with the faces of those beautiful children in Juarez. Of finding that comfort and strength in him against all odds, and despite my horrible disobedience.
God, I want to do your ministry, I want to instill your passion and worship you with my WHOLE life. Not just my weekends, or my hours volunteering, or my leadership. With my mornings, with my naps, with my preparation for teaching, with my tattoo(s) with my love for my roommates, dog, family, and new friends.

I wish i could play guitar. This is the time to write a song.. a psalm, a cry out to the lord!!!

My sister is buying a bible. It makes me want to cry to think about it. i have prayed for my family since the moment I met Jesus on that horrible and wonderful day back in middle school. 10 years of prayer, my sisters daughter wants to go to church because she found a rosary at her grandmas house and started asking about it. Amazing. My sister has been asking about Jesus for the past couple years, i think she is horrified and curious about my life choice to be a Christian and go to a Christian school. To not get drunk, or have sex. Those are the things she sees first .. but she also sees I am happy, and that my life would have dictated otherwise has something else not intervened to give me the strength I needed. I have made so many mistakes in my life, but despite my winters with God, he has always lured me back, because I am his child.

Mom is sick again, and it worries me. Mom you worry me. Dont feel guilty about it, I just love you so much and hate being away from you. I wish you would call me and talk to me when you arent feeling well. You dont have to say anything, I just want to feel like Im near you. I miss you all the time. I miss all my family. It was good to talk to my brother the other day. Andy you are a piece of work. I am crying in my pride for you and your accomplishments. I wish I couldve gone to your graduation. I am soo happy for you.

Ultimate! Snap...

Ok.. so it was an overall good weekend. actually it was one of the better in the past few weeks. Sunday night I went to meet up with people at HSU again to play ultimate. It was exciting to see I was remembered.. and apparently talked about.. which freaked me out only slightly. We played on a new field. I pulled my Quad.. it felt like someone stabbed me and twisted the knife everytime I moved my leg. I tried to play on it then went to sit down for awhile. I got a thigh massage (sounds scandalous but it wasnt) it was like acupressure.. thought of you mom.. by this guy on the team.. he apparently does that often.. the acupressure not the massaging of girls thighs.. It helped some and I went out to play again later. Despite the intense pain I snagged a few good ones (immediately following I fell to my knees when my legs gave out), I blocked a few really good ones.. (sorry cody, but I had to take advantage of your cripplosity as well.. besides you blocked some of mine too.. punk.. im not bitter) overall it was good. and lucky for me we are working on serves in tennis so it didnt stop me from playing this morning.. too bad.

ok.. im done. life is good again. God is good

I QUIT!

I put in my notice at work this morning. I am going to work through july, but as of August first I am a customer and no longer an employee. It feels good. Rob had offered me the position of running the store with profit percent incentives. Not worth. I am so stressed out from life, classes, teaching and my future that I just cant deal with it .. I am in a funk, and a big part of that is the fact that I am overextending myself. The usual cause. So.. the summer will end and I will be in a new phase once again, back to mooching from my dad, loafing around and trying to get some good volunteering in. I am at work right now. and I have no desire to work, clean or do anything. This place has stripped me of my soul and all that that entails. I spent last night sobbing myself to sleep because all was wrong with the world. I need a change. So I called rob this morning before lab and told him. I feel better but it doesnt change the sinking feeling I have hat more changes will need to be made to make it better. only God can do that. so anyways.. thats where I am..

I played ultimate frisbee last sunday with a group of people from hardin simmons. it was a friend of a friend connection and I am hoping to play with them more often. There were a couple of really talented players but really it was just good competitive but polite play. it felt good to get out there again.. it felt even better to be meeting people from HSU.. a new crowd, a different breed. Refreshing..

So we are all moved in. The house is painted and beautiful. Summer classes start next week. Work is frustrating but going good still. I just got back from Moms for the weekend with brooke. She is looking good, and her classes are putting a smile on her face. Talked to Amber for a long time yesterday. It is so good to hear from her. Jesse wants to find a church.. how funny. God is good, faithful and sometimes the trickiest dude I know. My sister and I have been getting into some great conversations and God is putting some good people in her life..

Dad is moving to Newton Kansas. I dont know how I feel about this. I will only have one family member in Michigan. Well immediate family anyway. I dont know what to think about that. Hmmm... I am hoping to go to michigan at the end of the summer for a vacation of sorts. Hit the beach, see friends. Not sure where we will stay. Brian has offered. Lydia, Shyle, or many others are options. We'll see how it goes. Who knows.

Brian had a race in New Jersey last weekend. Bashed his face in pretty good. He is absolutely insane. But I expect nothing less from him.

Lessons in leadership.. the hard way.

Ok.. heres the deal. I love Third Rock. I hate the politics of working in an independent store. Never again will I do it unless I own it myself. Cuz really.. this place I tell you what. I understand what it means to be a manager, and I know what managers in my life instilled in me a desire to work hard and which ones made me want to be lazy. To me a manager needs to be able to treat you like a human and have enough repoire built that they can tell you to get stuff done and let you know when you arent working hard enough without being horrible and mean. I work hard for people that make me feel like Im doing a good job when I work hard. People that tell me Im never doing it good enough make me want to slack off cuz theres no way to reach their desired potential and their being bastards about it. I dont know.. maybe it sounds like I prefer buddy buddy to management stuff. Its not necesarily that.. I just dont think I have to be frowning all the time to get the job done. My staff that works with me three times a week is great, they work hard, listen, and do what I ask. I dont give them grief all the time, but I do tell them when they aren't up to par so they can prove me wrong. Work ethic isnt about pleasing all the bosses, it is about getting the job done the right way, the first time, efficiently, ethically and with a smile on your face. You need to own it. At sixteen I had a work ethic better than most college kids I know now. Thats because my mom showed me you can be proud of how fast and well you do your job.. even washing dishes. I worked in a cafe where we had a lot of dishes all the time.. everyone hated doing dishes.. I loved it. Its concrete work you can do with a smile, efficiently and it makes a big difference in the night. So I did it, every shift as well as I could on top of all the other tasks. It bred in me a pride in my work. In our Chamber choir excellence was the goal of everything. No matter how well we did, we could always do better. But the work it took to get there was the point of it all. And the end result was some amazing concerts, where we could see a huge improvement, were proud of the result and wowed the audience that a highschool choir could sound so professional. Thats where its at. Pride in your work for the sake of the better of all. Not to say Im a good worker, but to say my work makes a difference. Washing dishes makes the night a little less stressful.

Relax. Take pride in your work. Smile and enjoy life. Thats what leadership is about.

wow

Today was tiring.. read brookes blog www.brookeerin.blogspot.com to find out why.. oh and the sunburn applies to me.. only I wore a wifebeater so it is a rediculously strange looking burnt to a crisp...

goiing to mommas next week .. pumped I am PUMPED.. i mean that.. im excited to see my momma.. Im not excited about scrubbing down my cat urine infested apartment that I havent lived in for almost a month and drugging my cats into sitting in my 'trunk'(hatchback so its not as cruel as it sounds) for 14 hours.. luckily i wont have to drug brooke.. she's coming willingly.. she is looking forward to a few days in the country... hahah.. sounds relaxing.. I need it..

Weekend in GH

Wow, I just got back yesterday from GH, Michigan. What a blast it was! So much fun. It had lots of wedding stuff, a couple margaritas, and some good bud time. And a quazi date.. hahah.. Does it count? Who knows.. am I happy about it?.. yes. It was so good to see everyone again. Shyle is MARRIED! Lyds boytoy is awesome, and it was great to hang with Jenni, Kyle, Alex, Mitch, Lyd, Shy, Nate, Drew, Seth, Katie, etc. Oh yah and Zajac. What a sweetheart. A couple really interesting conversations went down. We are gonna keep in touch better this time. God has such strange timing.

Finals are this week, I had two papers due today.. Im tired. But work tonight was good. I talked to rob about changing my schedule next semester so I dont have to close as much. It stresses me out to much. I think im gonna do a couple morning shifts a week. That I can handle.

I need to get some work done before i go to bed. Im going to convince myself Im not waiting up by the phone. Im not.

Horrible title.

Man this week has been crazy but beautiful .. I had monday and tonigh.. wednesday off... I am swithcing with Ashby on fri/sat so that she can go home for easter and I can have a friday night off.. which means I havent worked since friday and I wont work again til Saturday... WOOT.. So I am enjoying life as a free girl for the week.. catching up on projects and watching a lot of Crossing Jordan and CSI Miami my two favorite crime shows.. yes. .true fact I like watching dead bodies be disected and murders be solved... anyways.

My plane tickets were bought for going home for the wedding and I realized that that is like 3 weeks from now.. craziness

We close on our new house next week friday... WOOT

We have a puppy named Jack. Jackie boy!! Can I call him Cowboy? True.

whoosh.. yah that was time..

Ok so it has been quite a while. I apologize it has been a crazy couple of weeks. Spring break was amazing and wonderful. We went to San Diego, stayed in La Jolla, went to LA for the day, saw pepperdines version of what might be akin to SingSong only very much different, and then headed back. I had a lot of coffee.. I tried different cafes under the cover of research and only like about 2 of my ten mochas. Im picky now.. thats all. I found some amazing gifts for my mom and sister which i dare not divulge in case they see this before they recieve their gifts.

I am moving in with Brooke and Megan for this next year. I am pumped. We have a house on E.N. 13th that has some of the most hideous wallpaper.. which will be remedied promptly. It closes on the 21st but Imnot moving in til May cuz I want to wait until after finals and such.

I am still planning on going home to michigan for shyles wedding before finals. man it is going to be nuts. the things you do for quazi family. hahahah

My brother apparently is doing amazing. He and his girlfriend are moving in together and marriage is in the future. I am SOO happy for him, he is an amazing man and I hope that she is cool.. i havent ever met her ( i dont think) so it is exciting. Honestly I hope they get married and have kids.. cuz I think my brother will be an amazing daddy! He was a great older brother!

Things with work are nuts right now.. but good. In fact I actually have to go there to work a short shift. Then its the Shades Show tonight and the Revolution Party! Woot!

It took me 4 hours at the Dep of Public Safety to get my bastard license figured out. 4 hours, zero homework, one Beotch, 2 angels, a written test, a driving test, 2 calls to the insurance agency, 6 calls to a non answering father and one phone call to my angelic brooke who listened past the tears and profanity. Blessings. And God came through. I can drive this week to Cali. Yay.

A White Spotted Weekend

Yes thats right you guessed it. I HAVE STREP. It was an overall good weekend though. Went to Arlington with Brooke and Rm in tow. Went shopping.. which was frustrating.. but saw curious george which is now by far my favorite feel good movie. Then to Chilis for dinner and a drink. Yummy Calipso or however you spell it. Fun with Megan, Phil and Brooke. We went home and I began to feel like.. what was it? Oh yes.. DEATH. The eve of my 21st bday I had full blown strep with a 102 fever. Yay. We almost had to forfeit the zoo. But we didnt. After breaking my fever in Brandons bed.. cuz I slept in his room.. cuz he wasnt home.. I felt pretty ok the next day. My temp was low.. like super low.. like 96.6 or something. So we went. About 130 I was about to pass out with body aches and chills. We went to Brookes and I passed out for a nap. Got ready and we wearily went to the wedding it was a beautiful wedding and reception. They are a favorite couple of mine. So sweet. After the reception it was off to Megans house. After having taken like an hour nap at brookes I started feeling better. We went and watched them play pool and minute by minute life began to renew. By 10pm I was back to being alive and well. I even played ultimate a little and did pretty good for being out of shape. I got home to brookes late after watching Walk the Line with erry body. I went home to bad news. White spots, and a renewed fever (thought not as high as the first time). I felt better though. I didnt feel like walking death. That was good. I slept in through church and we left at about 2pm. It is now 9pm sunday night and I have a pretty big homework load ahead of me. The good news is I am going to the doc tomorrow to get excused from classes for tomorrow and maybe even tuesday. That will help with catching up on homework I couldnt do this weekend and getting better for next weeks trip to cali which I REFUSE to miss.

So.. A good weekend.

Bon Anniversaire!

Feliz Cumpleaños! Happy Birthday! Yay!

It is my birthday. I am a happy camper. I have recieved some cool emails and ecards and text messages. I love technology.

Yay for Stephen and Rachel this weekend.

Yay for Curious George tonight

I went to the car dealership today with a load of books ready to plop in some horrible waiting room for the alotted two hours I had before class hoping I could at the very least get a new headlight out of it. I listed all the crap I needed them to check on and asked if I needed to wait to get most of it done since I didn't have a lot of time that day he said. Umm do you need a car? and I was like well yah I have classs. He was like meaning you need another car? Cause your car is still under warranty, a rental is covered. I was like WOAH! sweet dog! So for the next few days I am jammin out in a new malibu until my car is fixed. It actually makes me quite nervous but its better than worrying about not getting my car fixed before Cali! Woot!

I am sitting in the library after Linguistics. I have to study for my french test and start some research for my spanish class before Ahndria gets here to work on our stuff for ESL. Craziness. But I gotta tell you being at a computer with a full screen makes me pumped for my new lappy to get here.. which should arrive in the next few days.

Brrfday

So one week from friday is my 21st birthday.WOOPEE!!!

I am utterly stoked for my birthday for the first time in a long time. Brooke and I are goiing to go to FW Zoo and then go see curious george. Others are invited but I am perfectly excited if not moreso to spend this blessed occasion with my best friend. I enjoyed dinner and a movie with her on hers.. It will be nice to spend mine together with her. She is the best present money could buy and I am so proud of her for becoming such an amazing woman of God with such a great heart. God has blessed me so much these past months with her!! Thanks girl!

So much as I can tell the love interest has fizzled. Not from my end but Im down with honesty from people I trust.. and thus I am satisfied alone with the fact that I do feel ready to date again but am rather glad I have avoided it. or been avoided by it rather.

Speaking of the subject, communication with stephen has slightly resumed. or so the few emails here and there show me. One of the things I want to do this semester is heal that friendship. I understand he and I may never be able to be best friends, but I miss the person that he is and I wish that didnt have to disappear totally.

RM phil and I found a dog today. It was in his yard all cute and scraggly with nasty mattted black hair. It looks like toto but cuter. It is still a wee pup and will not be formally named hathchet as phil and others decided without my presence. Deb is keeping the sweet thing for a while until we decide what to do. My cats didnt like it so much, Z ran for the hills and Ada came to check it out with hair straight up and poofy. She looked like a big grey marshmallow

Tonight at work was frustrating. Rob was breathing down our necks all night long and recorrecting everybody like six thousand times. I understand and the new system he is impementing is working, but I get protective of my staff and frustrated like Im not being allowed to do my job. Hopefully it will improve. The raise was nice at least.

I will have a new compy by the end of the week. Thank God. I am sick of small font and half a screen. Right now half the words are missing so please excuse typos on the far right or left of the screen.

I started my Grad School App for SIT in Brattleboro VT today. I just wanted to see what it felt like. And I really liked it. I decided against the school in Phillie cuz when I read all the bieos these people were like superheros who had conquered the world then decided to go back to school. So right now Im looking at the one in VT. It was the one I found like 2 years ago and almost cried when I found it. It feels like the right fit, and it isn't uber expensive. Plus it is in like a small town area and in the midst of some beautiful countryside. I could use a breather from the town life and moving to a big city didn't sound very pleasing just yet. So we shall see where God leads my path to straighten.

Weird Weekend

So this was a weird weird weekend. It went by slowly and quickly. Friday was a flash. Then Sat morning I had Sing Song practice.. Jenna Lucado and the other girls are so sweet.. It has been such a blessing to get to know them.. I went home and caught up on some sleep I needed after a week of being sick. Then Hooked up with Brooke for a walmart run, quick dinner and a dash to JCPenney to pick up lingirie for Rachel.. we found some cute stuff there.. After that we headed to the Shower and pretty much got lost for like 30 minutes or so.. it was scary a nd dark and BFE. For those of you who dont know what that means.. think Boonies, Nowheresville etc. Well we eventually made it and there were like 45 people there.. it was packed. We watched her blush as she opened presents, played a relatively tame game and then I .. twentyfive minutes later.. had to leave for work. I really did! I felt bad for leaving after so quick.. I wanted to atleast be there for like an hour before having to go.. but there were so many people ther I didnt feel too bad. Anyways.. I got to work and EVERYTHING was under control.. they were doin awesome.. it was clean and neat and efficient. It felt good to feel useless!

I headed over to Sarah Easters house for some Gilmore Girls, lost miserably at the trivia game but it has been great to be welcomed into the friendship of these girls. I am to the point where I am about ready to give up my cats to be able to live with Andrea next year. We'll see. God is Good and I trust him. After that we swung by the boys house where they were watching the Exorcism of Emily Rose. We caught the last part of the movie and then I had to sneak back to work to help them close. We got out by 1:30 which was pretty impressive for a Saturday night.

This morning I accidentally slept through church and went to the nursery. I got to see Lindley and Gracie dance like penguins and watch lil jackson make me nervous as he strutted through the room.. weirdest baby gait ever! but so cute! Holland didnt come. Sad.

I did some homework and headed over to the boys house to bring ERRm to Megiddo for the Superbowl party. I brought brett my NY Times to trade for his Econimist. We are big nerds. It was a good NYT though.. Im excited about the new issue of the Economist!! Then off to the Sullivans for dinner and back to Brookes for studying

It is now 11:11. I saw that this morning and last night. My Grandma is saying hello I think. Or God is trying to tell me something. I dont know but I am at peace about it.

Now I am going to go read some of my frighteningly sweet book. Its so sweet and delicate it is like therapy. Goodnight all!

Worthy of the chase I am!

Today was a weird day. I slept through my morning class. Which I hate. I feel so worthless when I skip class. But I am sick and I needed to rest badly. I made it to my one oclock although it wasnt worth going to becuase my head was so foggy I could have worn beer goggles and seen better. Then I went home and did homework. I was proud cuz I didnt go to sleep I actually did my homework. Thats a first. I have been catnapping a lot lately. Its bad.

I went to work tonight and it was weird. My head was still a little screwy so I wasnt efficient at all. Plus I didnt want to touch any of the ice cream and had to wash my hands a thousand times.

I got a promotion last night. Yes another one. I am now the general manager of the store, and second in command. There are a lot of reasons for this promotion but I am soo proud. It is kind of a political thing. Basically so that I can keep an eye on everyone including the other management.. ehem. But its still pretty cool. I am nervous though because I am not higher than a lot of people that are older than me. I was used to that this summer, but its different when its business versus ministry. I still have to change my mindset about that. Losing money is a big deal in a business like this.

God is so good for blessing me with this opportunity and seeing how much he is watching out for me and also lighting the path before me. Everyday the vision becomes clearer.

This weekend is Rachels Lingerie shower. I dont think I can go which stinks. Well sort of. See the thing is I despise lingerie showers. Mostly because it is one of those "advice" sessions and honestly I just dont want to hear it until its my marriage and right before the wedding. Its a personal thing. I struggle with lust a lot and having to hear details and stories and tips about sex for hours isnt my cup of tea. I love you Rachel and you are an amazng girl, many blessings on your wedding but for the sake of my own mental purity I cant go. The main reason is because of this promotion I have to go in and do spot checks at work for like an hour on sat night. But I honestly didnt fight it.. Im sorry.. I am a horrible friend.

So I have a love interest. No names will be revealed but its kinda freakin me out a little bit. I feel like a highschooler. And I never realized how much of a go getter I am as far as dating is concerned. I am so bad at the waiting game. When Im interested I show it and wait for a response. But I am SOOO sick of being the pursuer. I would kill to be pursued. The most attractive thing a guy can do is pursue a girl, pull out all the stops, be open. There is a difference between being one of those overconfident guys who ask you out cuz they KNOW you cant say no. Then there are the guys who go out of their way to say hey, Im interested and I think you might be someone special.. lets find out. SOmeone who does something creative to grab yourr attention cuz they know you might be a catch. I dont know..

All I know is there are a lot of guys who just walked out of my life.. and if they had chased me I might have let them stick around. But its not worth being with someone who doesnt make you feel like your worth the chase.

Girls? Are you with me on this one?

Payday. Good day.

For those confused by the previous post:

A not is something brooke and I came up with last night. Our own category. When people ask me what Im like I never know what to tell them.

Im not a jock but Im athletic.

Im not girlie, but I like to be pretty.

Im not butch but I can wear sweats and short hair.

Im not a nerd, but Im intelligent.

Im not OCD but I like to be clean

Im not a scrub but sometimes I dont take a shower.

Im not a pushover but Im also not a B*tch.

Im not lazy, but I like to relax.

Im not a workaholic but I have a good work ethic.

Im not cocky, but Im confident.

Im not popular but I like who I am.

Im not a musician, but Im musical.

Basically this group is for those of us well rounded folk who arent molding ourselves to one category or another. We decided that although it is ok to be a part of a group such as the above mentioned, some people cop out and pick one because they are too lazy to figure out who they are. So.. Word to all the NOTS out there.. Are you a Not?


Other than that today was pretty crappy.. other than lunch.

I slept through my french class.. yep.. I did. I made it to chapel and was blessed with a lunch with marcus, phil, ahndria, sarah and well.. me. It was tasty and I like them. They are such sweet happy people. I hope to get to know them better..

Then I finally got a hold of my dad after a boring afternoon class. And hell opened. I told him about how I was looking at grad schools and michigan..so he'd know I was listening to him and putting away some of my pride.. I told him about how Rob basically offered me the future position of running one of his stores, so that he would see that I am enjoying my job and am talented at it.. And what happened? He blew up. He yelled and got pissed, and kept sying all this stuff about how I dont knwo what Im talking about and how I ignore what he says about maybe liking corporate stuff, and not letting me say a word at allllll.. I just stopped listening. I was so pissed.. SO pissed. He has burst my bubble and hurt me too many times. How long will it take for him to realize that although I understand his motives are pure.. or almost pure, it is still my life that I am trying to make something of and I may have to do it MY way.

I cant even explain to you how mad I was.. I got to the point where I almost.. ALMOST screamed F&!K you and hung up. NOT EVEN KIDDING. But I calmed myself atleast til I could get off the phone. He has never brought me to tears before, but this did it. OH this did it.

I am finally to a point in my life where I see a direction I want to go. And although I dont know the next step in the path I can see the general direciton. Its like when you are driving and night in a blizzard and although you cant see ten feet ahead of you you can make out the direction of the lines on the side of the road enough to just keep going. If you were to call someone and say hey what direction do I go.. taht wouldnt help you. Only staring at those lines on the road and being focused on what adventures lay ahead of you will work. Wow.. That just came into my head.. God is good. ANyways..

Work was alright tonight. Not busy. Even though the people I worked with were convinced that was the busiest it had ever been. ahhaha. funny.

Oh last night and this afternoon I had some pretty cool convos with my friend from Mexico City. Man I want to go down there SOO bad. I want to have a vacation so bad. By myself or with a friend. I dont know. I just NEED IT. So I think I am going to save up some of my money from work and fly down to Mexico City this summer for like a week and hang out with my friend. He's a pretty cool guy and I wouldnt feel weird about it. He's a great man of God and is always an encouragement. Plus he said he'd take me on a tour of the pyramids and all the cool museums!

I am a NOT.

Short and Long

For the simple minded:

I got lost in Abilene today.. actually I just missed a couple exits. I was distracted. I apparently like taking Treadaway to school.

I set off the alarm at work last night. I am an idiot. Oh well. First closing alone time. I was proud of everything else. Hey its not my fault he only showed me how to leave not how to go back in when I forgot my wallet and car keys inside the locked alarmed building. Woopsie.

Today in chapel we found out that the Soulforce is coming to ACU. Im not sure exactly what theyre about but it has something to do with Christians and admissions bans agains Gay, Lesbian, Bi or Transexual people. We are one of 14 institutions singled out by their campaign. Not that it makes a difference, but we dont have a ban on GLBT students. Well anyways.. as this was discussed in Chapel Dr. Money (sighing and heart palpitations did in fact occur) proposed different responses to this. He said we could charge them with trespassing and have them arrested. This was said in sarcasm but was followed by a Woop by some dude joking around (I would hope) and followed by laughing and cheering, something I hoped was in response to the woop but I fear was also in favor by some to the arresting of the campaigners. He then offered the option of treating them like any other guests on campus, with kindness, interest and dialogue. I heard some Thank yous yelled by others like myself and I realized I was clapping and saying the same thing before I realized the passion and disgust the previous response instilled. There are some things I can tolerate in the world, hating people with different opinions is not one of them. Thus.. I am excited to see the discussions incurred by the presence of Soulforce on our campus. Some of these students, including myself, need a challenge.

Long winded Phyllis.... If you are bored.. click the next blog in your favorites.. this is for my own personal catharsis. Although some of you may find it interesting. I wont take offense if you dont.

Today I found out that I cant be certified in ESL with my degree not being in education. That would have been a duh type situation had my advisor mentioned to me that he was not sure what the requirements were rather than just telling me that yes it was true and I should go ahead and jump into the 12 hours of courses. So I found out tonight. Its not a huge deal.. I get an endorsement rather than a certification. But still. There are other classes that might be more useful to me than read/write/connect or English Grammar. Seriously.. perhaps a business class, or something that would be helpful to future endeavors. So Im stuck. Do I stick with it and get an ESL endorsement in hopes that some highschool will emergency certify me and Ill be good to go.. Or do I only take the two classes I am now enrolled in and get certified later when I know I want to teach it. I can always take a summer course and get the cert. So Im stuck. The cool thing is that after chapel on Wednesday when they talked about owning your own dream instead of running on the coattails of someone elses (in response to MLK day and his dream) I realized that I have already taken ownership of this dream. To the point where I have openly told a couple people my dream. That freaked me out a little bit but it felt right. And that means a lot. Today in my ESL class I wrote on my Self Portrait page that my dream was to open a cafe as a starting point for a ministry that encourages service and missions in an international context. Wow. That is like only a sliver of the mission statement but it feels right.

So. What does this mean? I am taking serious consideration of the things I would need to get there. For the first time I am considering going and getting an MBA. I think for a long time I avoided it because my dad pushed it so hard even though he wasnt happyin his own business adventures. SO .. we'll see.. but God is pulling rugs underneath me left and right...

Finding Home

Classes started today. But thats nothing.

For the first time in a long long long time, I found home in myself again. I have finally found who I have not been for such a long time, and for such a long time has missed being.

If that doesnt make sense to you, dont worry. I feel at home with myself. And how did I find it? Well I have found where God fits in me. Or rather where I fit in God. I have struggled with it for so long. Do I have to be a missionary to be a good Christian? Can I only go to church once a week and still be a Christian? Can I be an unfaithful person and still be ok in God's eyes? The answer. I don't have to fit God into whatever turn my life goes in. I don't have to cut a God shaped box in my heart and slip Him in. What I need to do is allow myself to live IN HIM. That is such a cliche thing but I have realized it today. How? Well I dont know. But let me explain a moment to you.

I was in chapel today. I got there and felt the grumbles begin. I didn't want to be there, or I didnt want anyone to think I did. I didnt know whether I wanted to be there or not. I had had so many moments over the past years full of cynicism: All they do is sing no one cares what they say. And then the times where I could see the people with eyes closed and hearts bursting for God and think Showoffs.. they dont mean it. Rediculous.

Something happened in chapel today however. Blessed be thy name. The version where it talks about Blessing Gods name when the world is right or if the world is all wrong. Every time I hear that song I think of my life and see how much God has blessed my name. And I kind of realize as well how little glory I give to God for it. I thank him for the perseverence and character he gives me, but never really ask for more. I never really want to trust my life to more of his "teachings".

The other half of it is this: I am kind of scared to become a "christian girl". The one who glows with love and character, with hospitality and gentleness. The girl who goes on mission trips and babysits for free. I don't want to slip into the "cliche christian girl". The girl all boys think they can bring home to mom cuz they are the "right kind of girl". I dont want to be cast as that girl. Its not that I dont want to be a good person, a person who loves God, or a person of good moral character who is good enough to bring home to mom. I do however want people to see me, see my character and see the flaws as well as the perfections. I want to be a servant of Christ but not one that blindly follows cuz its in the church bulletin. So how do I set myself apart. Well now theres another thought. I am desiring to set myself apart. From good Christian people. So what does that mean? Am I a holier than thou? or do I just desire a genuine faith so that people can taste and see that the Lord is good? My family wont find God because I am "good to bring home to the fam". Thats too "transparent". Rugged Christianity is what I want. And yet that requires truth, confession, and brutal forgiveness, mercy and humility. Much of which I am also petrified.

So I am struggling with where God fits in my heart. Or I was anyway. Until I closed my eyes and sang "Blessed be thy Name" your GLORIOUS NAME! and it all melted away. It was good that I was wrestling with my faith, but even better knowing that God was glorious whether I was Cookie Cutter Christian or Rugged Hardcore Christian. Hey maybe I can just be Phyllis Chill aspiring to be more like the Christ who has been with me from creation.

A song that breaks my heart in a good way:
JARS OF CLAY LYRICS
"Worlds Apart"
I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide

With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
[Additional lyrics:]
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now,take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I praytake my world apart

Um. I got a promotion. And a raise. Yum.

So I went in this morning for my first day of work at Third Rock Creamery and Coffee. The Ice Cream consultant had come in from Fort Worth and spent the day teaching us (the manager and assistant managers.. um yah apparently Im one of those!!) how to run the machine and different recipes. It was a fun but long day. 9-5. Literally. The craziness of opening a store ensued. The electrician n came to fix the espresso machine. I talked to the seller on the phone to figure it out. I got it turned on and heating up when the ELECTRICIAN decided she needed to move the machine. That cracked a pipe and it stopped working. This is a five thousand dollar italian machine. There are no manufacturers in texas to fix it in three days. SOOOOO we called the supplier again and the other asst manager had to drive to and from FW to bring it back tonight to be hooked up tomorrow so i can FINALLY start running recipes. Ugh. Well so the day was spent learning ice cream stuff. The machine is easy and the ice cream is AMAZING. man. Im gonna be FAT.

So the fun continued for hours untill about three oclock in the afternoon when the plumbers came to fix the ice machine and turned off a water valve that happened to also be connected to the ice cream machine we were about to run another batch through. Well twenty minutes later after the plumber had left.. the ice cream machine wasnt working. We called suppliers and technicians. It wasnt fixed when I left but will be.. apparently.. tomorrow. So Third Rock Creamery and Coffee has neither the former or the latter.. and we open on wednesday. Umm. wow.. BUT all will come together in the end. I trust that it will.

It has been a bewildering day. An eye opener. But a great light is at the end of so many tunnels..

I am excited to return to work tomorrow and continue the adventure.. for now.. sleep.

A blank day...

Have you ever woken up and wished the day you were beginning would not exist. Not that you want to die, but just that you wish it would be the next day already. That was today. After a long night of not great sleep I woke up and turned off my alarm. At about 10am I woke up again and forced myself to get ready to take a shower and wait for the call from my boss saying I could come in to work. Its not often you are eagerly awaiting that call. Well I got the call as I turned on the water for my shower. It was not the call I expected. Rather the shipments of coffee and other things we would need for the day wouldnt be there til tomorrow, Thursday. Well I chuckled and said "no problem, see you tomorrow". And slumped. I turned off my shower threw my pjs on again.. ehem.. and then fell asleep again. This time I slept relatively well until about 1pm. Due to paws and meows I finally got up and made my self presentable to the world. Not that I presented myself to it.. I didnt. Instead the day was spent setting up my schedule board, eating crappy steak express, and attempting to Oxy away the nasty stains on my carpet. Fun.

Well all of my chores were done hours ago so now I am watching Smallville and sending weird messages to Brooke who I am jealous of for being at work.

Its strange. I know that it is probably not the best use of my day.. you know wishing it didnt exist... but I am so anxious for having something to do. Idleness is not my cup of tea. Patience isn't either. Maybe because I am so excited about this job God is teaching me a lesson. I don't know. All I know is that my dreams were all about coffee last night and they were restless. I am nervous. Noone should feel nervous to be a coffee barista, but I am. Like I said yesterday, I feel like this job is going to make or break my dream. Basically if I end up hating it I dont know what I will do..find a different dream.. or maybe keep going with my dream and assume it will be different when I am fulfilling God's will for me.

Here is a little nugget to chew on for those of you who are curious:

Connecting missions with real life is something that will always be incredibly valuable to me. I grew up in a youth group that tried its best to follow up on mission trips and other acts of service. Unfortunately there was never a real tie between the foreign countries we served and our lives as highschoolers. So how do we make the tie. That tie is what awakes our desire to help those in need, those around the corner and those in the far corners of the world. Win Build Equip Send was the motto for our youth group in highschool. My youth pastor did a great job doing the first three, but in order for the equipped to be sent, that connection must be made mentally and spiritually. A person needs to see the eyes of the person their life choices affect. Serving those who sew the clothes we wear, loving the children who live on the wages their parents make from those jobs, and opening opportunities for improving the lives of both. So how do we do that? Well I dont know exactly quite yet. But my vision is to find it. And my dream is big.

Hotter than Hades.

So it is January 3 and it is 90 degrees outside. HOLLY CRAPP! yes craziness.

So I havent posted in well.. awhile.. so here I am.

My new years was fantastic. Brooke Jules and I went to IHOP for dinner at about 11pm. Brooke and I made it back to her place by the dropping of the ball and hung out making fun of stupidface Haley Duff while silently enjoying her music and being jealous. The past few days has been full of girl lunches, sleeping through church, Mona Lisa Smile, and Coffee. Yes Coffee.

SO MUCH COFFEE. Actually I havent gotten to the point of consuming it yet. I start that tomorrow. This week I have been putting together my training packet for next week when I Phyllis Chill train the employees on how to operate an espresso machine and create beautiful jitter starters.

Im kind of perplexed by the position I have been put in. One I havent actually made an espresso drink since 2 summers ago. Two I have never really been the one to know the ins and outs of the machine, that was all taken care of by management or corporate. And Three I have never worked at a privately owned cafe. All of this leads me to the conclusion that this is going to be an adventure. I am caught up in a fairly complicated but interesting situation.

The other part that kind of freaks me out is that this is preparing me for my future dream. Yes that dream that I have yet to mention on my blog despite its overtaking of my mind and thought process. This is the dream that has invoked a hope and desire to succeed and depend on God cuz there aint NO way I could ever do it by myself. Lydia, my darling, I hope still aspires to be my partner in this dream although I will be quite understanding if God takes her in another direction. Im stalling. I really am. It is one thing to talk and dream about something. It is quite another to confess it and type it out in front of me. I dont want to jinx it. I really dont.

This is a dream that has only just become something conceivable in my eyes. It has always been in the background as a fallback if I never know what I want to be when I grow up. I have always wanted to make a difference in the world. To build great relationships but most importantly influence people, especially youth and college students, to be world changers themselves. In my eyes there is no better way to change the world than multiply yourself into hundreds of world change focused youth. The church of tomorrow, the church of today. Man.

So my dream. Do I dare confess it? Do I? I fear the rejection of my peers as well as my family. Although I already have so many supporters in my mom, sister and even my aunt who I love dearly for literally giggling and bubbling with excitement when I told her. Much better than the horrible answer and discouragement I got from other parts of my family. Although they really never got to see the vision and Im not sure they would approve of it if they did. Either way. Its my dream.. and its a big one.

Because of this dream I have been thinking about stephen a lot lately. Not because I want to get back together with him, but because we dreamed a lot together. We would spend hours talking things through, ideas, hopes, questions what have you. I miss that. I wish I could sit down with him and talk this through for hours. I dont think thats possible. but maybe. Thank God for Brooke who brings up my dream daily to remind me its possible, and its a great dream.

I dont think I will divulge my dream just yet. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. Maybe in ten years when it has come true. Until then. Be praying and keep your eye out for it. You'll know it when you see it.. You'll know it when you feel its effects on the worldchangers of today.

God only you have the power and the might to do this. You planted this dream in my head. Give me the vision, drive and confidence to follow through with something for once in my life.