Sunday, March 30, 2008

On the Cusp.

Sometimes hitting rock bottom is the best thing for you. Last night really felt like it, but you know what? The one thing Ive learned about rock bottom is that sometimes it can be a catalyst for change. I really want and need to change some things in my life. There are some things that are going incredibly well for me- unexpected support from people I barely know or haven't known for awhile, art becoming a daily product, classes, family etc. But there are other things going on right now that are inexplicably destructive. I won't blog about them- but it came to my attention last night that I really need to give up a few things. The biggest is my need to be in control of my life, my emotions and my image. I'm giving them up.. and I do mean that directionally. As in giving them UP to God. I can't do it anymore. I shouldn't have tried in the first place but it is my nature. I am so so SO grateful to Him that I am in a place where shame isn't an option, where I am allowed my mistakes and rock bottoms without the world falling to pieces and all integrity eternally lost. It is odd to find both peace and instability in the "world". I find my friends here to be so much more accepting of growth, backslides and really LEARNING. Despite that, I am ready to come home. I mean that in so many ways. I need home in the sense of finding myself in God's hands again, I need home in my faith family, I need home in who I am and more importantly the person I have been working to be for so many years.

Last night was dark.. it was not the me I want to be. Im done escaping.

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