Dappling in a Downer

So I think my least favorite thing is coming to my blog and finding zero comments. I know this is irrational since one of the only people who actually comment is stephen.. sometimes julie, my mom, etc. Once I pout because I am commentless I pout because I pouted.

I don't feel great today. Grumpy, tired, and just not good. Sad.

I did my devo today. Everyone does one or two over the semester and I did mine this morning.
I think I did pretty good. I did it over Phillipians 2:12-18, one of my favorite passages. I talked about some of the images in it:

1. Working out our salvation with fear and trembling.. letting myself wrestle around ideas and theologies that I have trouble with. The past few weeks has been rocking my world emotionally and spiritually and knowing that we are SUPPOSED to wrestle with our faith is great, to also know that I am allowed to be scared about it is an encouragement. Cuz I often am.

2. Making the choice not to complain or argue for the sake of being blameless and pure in order to "Shine like stars in the Heavens". .. This is something I have tossed around a lot the past few weeks. I have been cranky and irrational a lot, and realizing that those things aren't what give me "attention" from God and others, but rather deciding not to, being patient and kind, etc are what makes me Shine Like A Star. It is true though. I think of shyle when I read that, and Lydia. Very rarely do they complain or argue, I mean we have had our days of ranting, but in general they shine so bright because you NEVER hear them complaining. Thats neat to me.. Thats what I want to be.

3. Feeling good about being "poured out like a drink offering"... I feel like that today. That God has poured out all my reserves of joy, patience, energy, etc. Yet it feel soooooo good because I know He will fill be back up with purer joy, longer patience, and I will once again be energizer bunny until he does it again. I would rather be poured out and refilled every hour on the hour than sit and settle, and stew in myself. Yuck. no thanks.

After talking about all that and relating it some to our experiences here, I whipped out Romans 5:1-5 about actually taking joy in sufferings for perseverence, character, and hope in the Love of God. I was glad I was able to talk about that to the group. It is something that has been on my heart a lot the last couple of months. Stephen and I have talked about it some as well, that it is amazing that Paul rarely rejoices in getting money or friends but rather in suffering for Christ, in the deaths of Christians for their sacrifice, and other things along those lines. I wish I could have a heart like that!
I think but moreso hope that that is why I am so excited for this summer with youthworks. Because it will be fun yes, but mostly a draining, tiring, challenge that will require sacrificing a lot of myself for the sake of the kids, the other leaders, and the communities. I am so excited to be able to share in that sacrifice it gives me chills to think about. Gets me excited for future life possibilities.. definitly reminds me that I dont think I could sit by and watch the world pass me through an office door or window. I want to be out there gettin my hands dirty, working hard, being exhausted and poured out... I hope I can keep that zeal for self sacrifice. Stephen hold me to it.

So anyways.. I think I did alright today.. I liked feeling like I was talking about things that are real and helpful for our situation in Uruguay. I dont mind lovey dovey stuff, but theres a point where it feels fake. Im not doggin anyones devos.. for those of you who read this, Im just saying it felt good to talk about things I hope people could take with them. I know I got a lot from doing it.